A Ghostly Entry
I did not believe in Ghosts until...28 total reviews
Comment from Mary Shifman
I love stories with a an upbeat ending, although I don't write them that often. I was feeling low today and this story lifted my spirits. I do believe that there are many, many things in the world that happen for no reason we can determine. Anyway, this was an enjoyable story with a little suspense and a more than satisfactory ending. It isn't always easy to achieve that in flash fiction. Well done.
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2021
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I love stories with a an upbeat ending, although I don't write them that often. I was feeling low today and this story lifted my spirits. I do believe that there are many, many things in the world that happen for no reason we can determine. Anyway, this was an enjoyable story with a little suspense and a more than satisfactory ending. It isn't always easy to achieve that in flash fiction. Well done.
Comment Written 23-Sep-2021
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2021
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Mary, Thanks for your review and I am really happy you enjoyed the story. It has been received well by others. Please take care and have a good day.
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You are very welcome.
Comment from Mary Kay Bonfante
You wrote a beautiful, very emotional story, from the perspective of someone who longed for the expressed love of his deceased father. He encounters the evidence that the ghost of his father has returned, to express that love.
I made some suggestions for revisions. Some of these are based on the fact that you had some "fragments" in your story that were not complete sentences. This is improper English, but if this doesn't bother you, you can leave them alone. I didn't correct the last short paragraph (six words) because it seemed very expressive.
Here are the revisions:
I did not believe in Ghosts until... ["ghosts" is not a proper noun and does not need to be capitalized]
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I did not believe in ghosts until...
Nothing or no one in sight.
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There was nothing or no one in sight.
hoping to surprise anyone in there. No one .
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hoping to surprise anyone in there; no one.
I did not believe in Ghosts.
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I did not believe in ghosts.
Scanning the room I moved towards an old desk my father used for business and pleasure.
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Scanning the room, I moved towards an old desk my father used for business and pleasure.
The desk contained many items but most importantly a diary containing entries and letters under his hand.
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The desk contained many items, but most importantly a diary containing entries and letters under his hand.
The diary was still there but rather strangely it was not in the position I last recalled.
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The diary was still there, but rather strangely, it was not in the position I last recalled.
Compelled to remove the diary I found myself unfolding the letters like I was searching for some long lost treasure.
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Compelled to remove the diary, I found myself unfolding the letters, like I was searching for some long lost treasure.
My father had been a tough man. A fair man but not one to express his feelings.
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My father had been a tough man; a fair man but not one to express his feelings.
A hug now and again and a pat on the head for a good job done. Never an "I love you" said or written.
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He would give a hug now and again, and a pat on the head for a good job done, but never an "I love you," spoken or written.
somehow and without worldly explanation there was more.
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somehow and without worldly explanation, there were more.
At the foot of each of the letters, there appeared those words I had longed for during his life.
***
This was a very creative story in response to the writing prompt.
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2021
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You wrote a beautiful, very emotional story, from the perspective of someone who longed for the expressed love of his deceased father. He encounters the evidence that the ghost of his father has returned, to express that love.
I made some suggestions for revisions. Some of these are based on the fact that you had some "fragments" in your story that were not complete sentences. This is improper English, but if this doesn't bother you, you can leave them alone. I didn't correct the last short paragraph (six words) because it seemed very expressive.
Here are the revisions:
I did not believe in Ghosts until... ["ghosts" is not a proper noun and does not need to be capitalized]
-->
I did not believe in ghosts until...
Nothing or no one in sight.
-->
There was nothing or no one in sight.
hoping to surprise anyone in there. No one .
-->
hoping to surprise anyone in there; no one.
I did not believe in Ghosts.
-->
I did not believe in ghosts.
Scanning the room I moved towards an old desk my father used for business and pleasure.
-->
Scanning the room, I moved towards an old desk my father used for business and pleasure.
The desk contained many items but most importantly a diary containing entries and letters under his hand.
-->
The desk contained many items, but most importantly a diary containing entries and letters under his hand.
The diary was still there but rather strangely it was not in the position I last recalled.
-->
The diary was still there, but rather strangely, it was not in the position I last recalled.
Compelled to remove the diary I found myself unfolding the letters like I was searching for some long lost treasure.
-->
Compelled to remove the diary, I found myself unfolding the letters, like I was searching for some long lost treasure.
My father had been a tough man. A fair man but not one to express his feelings.
-->
My father had been a tough man; a fair man but not one to express his feelings.
A hug now and again and a pat on the head for a good job done. Never an "I love you" said or written.
-->
He would give a hug now and again, and a pat on the head for a good job done, but never an "I love you," spoken or written.
somehow and without worldly explanation there was more.
-->
somehow and without worldly explanation, there were more.
At the foot of each of the letters, there appeared those words I had longed for during his life.
***
This was a very creative story in response to the writing prompt.
Comment Written 22-Sep-2021
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2021
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Thank you for your review and suggestions. I certainly will take them on board. I agree with quite a number of them. I hope you are going ok . Take care and you really have been constructive. Cheers
Comment from Pearl Edwards
This is a great and ghostly read that gave me goosebumps as I read. I love the ending with those three words added that he had so longed to see. Well told and good luck in the contest. Cheers
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2021
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This is a great and ghostly read that gave me goosebumps as I read. I love the ending with those three words added that he had so longed to see. Well told and good luck in the contest. Cheers
Comment Written 22-Sep-2021
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2021
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Thanks Pearl for taking time to review the story . I have been delighted with the overall response. Take Care.
Comment from zanya
Yes an enjoyable and thought-provoking read - who knows and how can we tell when and where seminal moments in our lives may occur - a tale well told- thanks for sharing
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2021
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Yes an enjoyable and thought-provoking read - who knows and how can we tell when and where seminal moments in our lives may occur - a tale well told- thanks for sharing
Comment Written 21-Sep-2021
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2021
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Thanks for reviewing my story . I have been pleasantly surprised as to the number of reviews. Take Care.
Comment from estory
This is sort of a melancholy ghost story, and it is quite poignant. Those unspoken words of love seem to reach back from the next life, or seem like a footprint left behind in this world for the narrator to find. I like how you set the scene with that creaking door. It really sets the mood. Nice job using that opening sentence to break into this poignant little story of unspoken love. A different kind of ghost story. estory
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2021
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This is sort of a melancholy ghost story, and it is quite poignant. Those unspoken words of love seem to reach back from the next life, or seem like a footprint left behind in this world for the narrator to find. I like how you set the scene with that creaking door. It really sets the mood. Nice job using that opening sentence to break into this poignant little story of unspoken love. A different kind of ghost story. estory
Comment Written 21-Sep-2021
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2021
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Thanks for your review. I have been pleasantly surprised at the positive feedback. You have a great day and take care.
Comment from papa55mike
Those three words matter whether in life or after death. Yeah, ghost stories are fun to write. What a wonderfully written story.
Good luck in the contest!
Have a great day, and God bless.
mike
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2021
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Those three words matter whether in life or after death. Yeah, ghost stories are fun to write. What a wonderfully written story.
Good luck in the contest!
Have a great day, and God bless.
mike
Comment Written 21-Sep-2021
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2021
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Mike, thanks for taking the time to review my story. I have been pleasantly surprised at the positive feedback which certainly gives me encouragement to enter a few more contests. Hope all is well with you and family. Take Care.
Comment from LJbutterfly
Not a believer in ghosts, I found this story believable. It could be possible that a strange sound in a house would lead a person to look around and discover something they hadn't seen before. I liked that this ghost story had a very happy ending with, "My treasure found." Very creative. Best wishes in the contest.
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2021
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Not a believer in ghosts, I found this story believable. It could be possible that a strange sound in a house would lead a person to look around and discover something they hadn't seen before. I liked that this ghost story had a very happy ending with, "My treasure found." Very creative. Best wishes in the contest.
Comment Written 20-Sep-2021
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2021
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Thanks for your review. It is very much appreciated.Keeps me looking for another writing opportunity. Take Care
Comment from royowen
I agree with you. One of the main things in our lives are the things some parents miss, is that they both love us and approve of us, I know what it's like to have austere parents, and you're right, even in death, our parent's approval is important, brilliantly written, good luck, blessings Roy
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2021
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I agree with you. One of the main things in our lives are the things some parents miss, is that they both love us and approve of us, I know what it's like to have austere parents, and you're right, even in death, our parent's approval is important, brilliantly written, good luck, blessings Roy
Comment Written 20-Sep-2021
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2021
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Thanks Roy. Much appreciate your review and feedback. You and your family take care.Cheers
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Most welcome
Comment from barbara.wilkey
I enjoyed reading your contest entry. I always wonder why the words 'I love you' are so hard for some people to say. Yet, they are so important for people to hear. Thank you for sharing this entry with us. I enjoyed reading.
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2021
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I enjoyed reading your contest entry. I always wonder why the words 'I love you' are so hard for some people to say. Yet, they are so important for people to hear. Thank you for sharing this entry with us. I enjoyed reading.
Comment Written 20-Sep-2021
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2021
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Thanks for your review. Yes it is a bit of a wonder why the three simple words are so hard to say. Please write back to me if you ever discover the reason. I will do likewise. Keep well and have a good day/night.
Comment from Sherry Asbury
Great flash fiction!! You told a bittersweet story and relayed so much emotion in this story. The treasure was found! I love your after-words: "If you do not believe you will not see."
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2021
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Great flash fiction!! You told a bittersweet story and relayed so much emotion in this story. The treasure was found! I love your after-words: "If you do not believe you will not see."
Comment Written 20-Sep-2021
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2021
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Thanks Sherry for your comments. This story just flowed once commenced which is not always the way it goes. Have a good day and take care.
