Joey's Vietnam war love story
a Vietnam war vet finds his Vietnamese wife.4 total reviews
Comment from robyn corum
Jake,
Wow. What a crazy story! hahahaha Sometimes we need to take notes from life for our fiction stories. hahahaha
Some notes, if I may?
1.) was popular with tourists including Vietnam war vets (who) still came occasionally.
--> 'who' for humans
2.) the motorcycles and the backpacker's district (reminded) them of the old Saigon.
3.) If only he could find his wife and his daughter whom he had to leave behind with his Vietnamese wife
--> that's two wives
4.) Can you make it? "
"Sure(.)"
I enjoyed! Thanks!
reply by the author on 03-Sep-2021
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Jake,
Wow. What a crazy story! hahahaha Sometimes we need to take notes from life for our fiction stories. hahahaha
Some notes, if I may?
1.) was popular with tourists including Vietnam war vets (who) still came occasionally.
--> 'who' for humans
2.) the motorcycles and the backpacker's district (reminded) them of the old Saigon.
3.) If only he could find his wife and his daughter whom he had to leave behind with his Vietnamese wife
--> that's two wives
4.) Can you make it? "
"Sure(.)"
I enjoyed! Thanks!
Comment Written 02-Sep-2021
reply by the author on 03-Sep-2021
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thanks glad you liked it and thanks for the constructive comments.
Comment from Sally Law
I was excited to read this story and came away disappointed. It was so poorly written with names spelled incorrectly with missing punctuation and quotation marks. FanStory edit is a very useful tool if applied.
A few improvements for your contest entry.
[Vietcong] is the correct spelling.
[Ho Chi Minh City]. City is part of the name.
[Cu Chi Tunnels.]
K-1 Visa, perhaps?
Sam's text needs to be in bold print or italics, and set apart from the text.
After the above paragraph, the story derailed. I don't think this was your story to tell.
I hope you will take the time to make the necessary improvements and hone your writing skills. FanStory is a great place to improve and grow.
Sending you my best today as always,
Sally
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2021
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I was excited to read this story and came away disappointed. It was so poorly written with names spelled incorrectly with missing punctuation and quotation marks. FanStory edit is a very useful tool if applied.
A few improvements for your contest entry.
[Vietcong] is the correct spelling.
[Ho Chi Minh City]. City is part of the name.
[Cu Chi Tunnels.]
K-1 Visa, perhaps?
Sam's text needs to be in bold print or italics, and set apart from the text.
After the above paragraph, the story derailed. I don't think this was your story to tell.
I hope you will take the time to make the necessary improvements and hone your writing skills. FanStory is a great place to improve and grow.
Sending you my best today as always,
Sally
Comment Written 23-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2021
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I was excited to read this story and came away disappointed. It was so poorly written with names spelled incorrectly with missing punctuation and quotation marks. FanStory edit is a very useful tool if applied.
A few improvements for your contest entry.
[Vietcong] is the correct spelling.
[Ho Chi Minh City]. The city is part of the name.
[Cu Chi Tunnels.]
K-1 Visa, perhaps?
Sam's text needs to be in bold print or italics and set apart from the text.
After the above paragraph, the story derailed. I don't think this was your story to tell.
I hope you will take the time to make the necessary improvements and hone your writing skills. FanStory is a great place to improve and grow.
Sending you my best today as always,
Sally
sally Thanks for the suggestions. I have a life-long slight learning disability which makes self-editing a challenge.
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I am legally blind from retinitis pigmentosa. I am nearing complete blindness and use blind assist tools, voice over text, Apple voice reader, thesaurus, and helps along with edit software. My husband also gives me sighted help, as well as feedback from my copy editor who is a writer here on FanStory. I've left my corporate life and typically write six hours a day. I just keep going, learning and growing. I've only been writing two and a half years after my husband entered me in a national writer's contest. Keep at it. :)
Comment from LisaMay
While I found your story had much human interest appeal, I ended up being irritated by the devious suggestions to try and outwit immigration rules about marriage. The same sex thing came out of nowhere - was the daughter gay?
I think some of your story could have been treated as dialogue to add more variety. There is a lot of he said, they said.
It all worked out well in the end which is good to have a happy ending - all that detail sounds like you have personal experience.
I've been to Vietnam and was amazed at how life seems so normal and forgiving after such a horrific war.
Suggested corrections:
the backpacker's district remained (reminded) them of the old Saigon.
chu chi tunnels (it is Cu Chi Tunnels)
He had walked through the tunnels back in the day looking for Viet Kong but never finding them. (Maybe he crawled through them. Back in the day the tunnels were extremely narrow and low, so I doubt that an American could walk through them. A short area has been made bigger for modern tourists.)
they had survived the war and spend (spent) several years in a re-education camp
Mihn's spies (her name is more likely to be spelled Minh)
A few days later Sam gets a text. ('gets' sounds like the wrong tense verb; maybe 'received a text' sounds better.)
try the second options (option)
I found them and am meeting them tonight. Do you want to come? If so meet us at the bar at 7 pm. You can meet the Viet Kong vets then as well. (put this in italics to differentiate it from the rest of your story.)
many of her clients were ex-military,(add comma here) often coming back
Sam, (add comma) being a former consular officer, (add comma) promised to help with the paperwork.
Now a days (Nowadays is one word) that is becoming easier
95 percent sale (sail) through,
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2021
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While I found your story had much human interest appeal, I ended up being irritated by the devious suggestions to try and outwit immigration rules about marriage. The same sex thing came out of nowhere - was the daughter gay?
I think some of your story could have been treated as dialogue to add more variety. There is a lot of he said, they said.
It all worked out well in the end which is good to have a happy ending - all that detail sounds like you have personal experience.
I've been to Vietnam and was amazed at how life seems so normal and forgiving after such a horrific war.
Suggested corrections:
the backpacker's district remained (reminded) them of the old Saigon.
chu chi tunnels (it is Cu Chi Tunnels)
He had walked through the tunnels back in the day looking for Viet Kong but never finding them. (Maybe he crawled through them. Back in the day the tunnels were extremely narrow and low, so I doubt that an American could walk through them. A short area has been made bigger for modern tourists.)
they had survived the war and spend (spent) several years in a re-education camp
Mihn's spies (her name is more likely to be spelled Minh)
A few days later Sam gets a text. ('gets' sounds like the wrong tense verb; maybe 'received a text' sounds better.)
try the second options (option)
I found them and am meeting them tonight. Do you want to come? If so meet us at the bar at 7 pm. You can meet the Viet Kong vets then as well. (put this in italics to differentiate it from the rest of your story.)
many of her clients were ex-military,(add comma here) often coming back
Sam, (add comma) being a former consular officer, (add comma) promised to help with the paperwork.
Now a days (Nowadays is one word) that is becoming easier
95 percent sale (sail) through,
Comment Written 22-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2021
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Thanks for the suggestions. I have a life-long slight learning disability which makes self-editing a challenge.
great suggestions. I will edit accordingly. re the devious suggestions re the visa issue, I served almost ten years off and on as a visa fraud officer and saw it all. the legal system is broken, so people try the backdoor. and there are lots of crooked attorneys to facilitate the process including sad to say many of my former colleagues, many of whom end up working as either immigrant lawyers or paralegals for those who do not have a law degree.
Sam Adams was trying to help his friends navigate the arcane broken-down immigration system. Re the comment about gay marriage, the idea is that there are now many more avenues to marriage fraud than before. In their case, they would have to marry in the U.S. since U.S. immigration law recognizes foreign marriages according to foreign law so if a foreign county does not authorize gay marriage, being married in that country would not count for U.S immigration purposes but one could still come on a fiancée (K-1) visa since technically they are not married according to local law which is the controlling law in these cases.
When I was doing visa work we did not recognize gay marriages and we had to advise people to either live abroad or have the spouse come as a student, exchange visitor or a temp work visa and keep extending it as long as possible. The problem is that you can only extend it for about ten years. Many immigrant attorneys recommended the investment visa option which is still under subscribed and is the fastest way to immigrate to the U.S. Of course your have to have 1 million dollars to invest and commit to hiring ten US citizens or LPR?s, which could include your relatives. In this case that is what Joey and Minh did to get their daughter into the states.
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Thanks for the suggestions. I have a life-long slight learning disability which makes self-editing a challenge.
great suggestions. I will edit accordingly. re the devious suggestions re the visa issue, I served almost ten years off and on as a visa fraud officer and saw it all. the legal system is broken, so people try the backdoor. and there are lots of crooked attorneys to facilitate the process including sad to say many of my former colleagues, many of whom end up working as either immigrant lawyers or paralegals for those who do not have a law degree.
Sam Adams was trying to help his friends navigate the arcane broken-down immigration system. Re the comment about gay marriage, the idea is that there are now many more avenues to marriage fraud than before. In their case, they would have to marry in the U.S. since U.S. immigration law recognizes foreign marriages according to foreign law so if a foreign county does not authorize gay marriage, being married in that country would not count for U.S immigration purposes but one could still come on a fiancée (K-1) visa since technically they are not married according to local law which is the controlling law in these cases.
When I was doing visa work we did not recognize gay marriages and we had to advise people to either live abroad or have the spouse come as a student, exchange visitor or a temp work visa and keep extending it as long as possible. The problem is that you can only extend it for about ten years. Many immigrant attorneys recommended the investment visa option which is still under subscribed and is the fastest way to immigrate to the U.S. Of course your have to have 1 million dollars to invest and commit to hiring ten US citizens or LPR?s, which could include your relatives. In this case that is what Joey and Minh did to get their daughter into the states.
Comment from Sanku
This is really a fascinating story .I was quite thrilled to read about the reunion and the family finding their feet in the united States.Thank you for sharing this story and all the best.
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2021
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This is really a fascinating story .I was quite thrilled to read about the reunion and the family finding their feet in the united States.Thank you for sharing this story and all the best.
Comment Written 22-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2021
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thanks
