Elvis Presley Ghost
Deceased Elvis sings to a couple.6 total reviews
Comment from Mary Shifman
I like the story premises--maybe because I like Elvis. I did notice a few mistakes--mostly typos and other mechanics. I was fortunate enough to have someone edit one of my stories in some detail last week so I hope you don't mind. You have a good idea and just need to take a little more time. Also, don't forget that you can go back and edit it.
# 1 ... Maybe put saw Elvis and heard him sing to her
...You might try last night instead of yesterday night.
#2 ... Should be singing Jailhouse rock 'to her'
The correct spelling is hallucinating
Who did she call to follow?
#3...when Peter saw Elvis and heard him sing.
#4 Peter was shocked or something like that.
#5...all of the songs Elvis Presley had sung that night.
...leave out with him
#6...woke up
All right (two words)
#7...What will Peter do unless Elvis does him a favor?
...You don't need song here. Sing Hound Dog for both of us.
Last paragraph. Pamela needs capitalized.
Were stunned
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2021
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I like the story premises--maybe because I like Elvis. I did notice a few mistakes--mostly typos and other mechanics. I was fortunate enough to have someone edit one of my stories in some detail last week so I hope you don't mind. You have a good idea and just need to take a little more time. Also, don't forget that you can go back and edit it.
# 1 ... Maybe put saw Elvis and heard him sing to her
...You might try last night instead of yesterday night.
#2 ... Should be singing Jailhouse rock 'to her'
The correct spelling is hallucinating
Who did she call to follow?
#3...when Peter saw Elvis and heard him sing.
#4 Peter was shocked or something like that.
#5...all of the songs Elvis Presley had sung that night.
...leave out with him
#6...woke up
All right (two words)
#7...What will Peter do unless Elvis does him a favor?
...You don't need song here. Sing Hound Dog for both of us.
Last paragraph. Pamela needs capitalized.
Were stunned
Comment Written 22-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2021
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Thank you! Is it now good enough for five stars? Thanks for your help!
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You're entirely welcome.
Comment from Versch
I like the plot of the story. It gives a creepy feeling when someone has woken up from the dead and sing a song. Good luck in the contest!
Suggestions/recommendations: (Keep the narratives in past tense, the dialogues in present tense, examples below)
- Peter told her she's hellucinated. They are at home. -> Peter told her she was hallucinating. They were at home.
- Both are very frightened of Elvis Presly. -> Both were very frightened of Elvis Presley.
- Pamela, instead of being frightened enjoyed all of Elvis Presley's song he has sung that night. Peter was in fumes with him. -> Pamela, instead of being frightened, enjoyed all of Elvis Presley's songs he had sung that night. Peter was fuming with him.
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2021
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I like the plot of the story. It gives a creepy feeling when someone has woken up from the dead and sing a song. Good luck in the contest!
Suggestions/recommendations: (Keep the narratives in past tense, the dialogues in present tense, examples below)
- Peter told her she's hellucinated. They are at home. -> Peter told her she was hallucinating. They were at home.
- Both are very frightened of Elvis Presly. -> Both were very frightened of Elvis Presley.
- Pamela, instead of being frightened enjoyed all of Elvis Presley's song he has sung that night. Peter was in fumes with him. -> Pamela, instead of being frightened, enjoyed all of Elvis Presley's songs he had sung that night. Peter was fuming with him.
Comment Written 22-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2021
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Thank you! I have fixed the mistakes.
Comment from Pantygynt
If you want to see some real ghosts go to Porthcawl in South Wales next month Fri, 24 Sept 2021 - Sun, 26 Sept 2021 is the annual Elvis festival there when hundreds of Elvis lookalikes haunt the town. They werre exorcised last year because of Coronavirus restrictions but this year they'll be back.
Remind me to stay away from the place. Lol.
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2021
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If you want to see some real ghosts go to Porthcawl in South Wales next month Fri, 24 Sept 2021 - Sun, 26 Sept 2021 is the annual Elvis festival there when hundreds of Elvis lookalikes haunt the town. They werre exorcised last year because of Coronavirus restrictions but this year they'll be back.
Remind me to stay away from the place. Lol.
Comment Written 22-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2021
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Thank you!
Comment from Jessica Borras
This was a very interesting story, and easy to read. I'm not sure that it was especially scary for me lol but I get how zombie Elvis could be horror. If I could make one suggestion, the sentence "Pamela, instead of being frightened enjoyed all of Elvis Presley's song he has sung that night. Peter was in fumes with him." didn't flow as well as the rest. I'm not sure if it could use another comma, or if you could write Elvis instead of just "him"... But it was a fun story to read, anyhow. Thanks for sharing!
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2021
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This was a very interesting story, and easy to read. I'm not sure that it was especially scary for me lol but I get how zombie Elvis could be horror. If I could make one suggestion, the sentence "Pamela, instead of being frightened enjoyed all of Elvis Presley's song he has sung that night. Peter was in fumes with him." didn't flow as well as the rest. I'm not sure if it could use another comma, or if you could write Elvis instead of just "him"... But it was a fun story to read, anyhow. Thanks for sharing!
Comment Written 22-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2021
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Thank you!
Comment from Carmen Ducharme
I love Elvis you made me so confused .Anything to do with the King makes my heart sing I actually just went to Graceland !! Your poem confuses me .God Bless
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2021
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I love Elvis you made me so confused .Anything to do with the King makes my heart sing I actually just went to Graceland !! Your poem confuses me .God Bless
Comment Written 20-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2021
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Thank you! It is a flash fiction story contest.
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So sorry im just learning the different phases of poetry .I did absolutely enjoy it !
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You're forgiven. I'm happy you enjoyed my story! Happy writing, my friend!
Comment from Eunice Amero
Pamela knew that Elvis was dead. Sang should be sing. The second one should also be sing,
songs. This was good. You noticed l fixed a few mistakes. Hope you dont mind. Thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2021
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Pamela knew that Elvis was dead. Sang should be sing. The second one should also be sing,
songs. This was good. You noticed l fixed a few mistakes. Hope you dont mind. Thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 20-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2021
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Thank you!
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you're welcome
