The Walking Dead Rats
Dead rats rule.11 total reviews
Comment from lyenochka
Lol! I guess you have made a rat and cat zombie story. I'm glad that they all became friends in the end. I think Jake has a very big job now. Congratulation on the win!
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2021
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Lol! I guess you have made a rat and cat zombie story. I'm glad that they all became friends in the end. I think Jake has a very big job now. Congratulation on the win!
Comment Written 18-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2021
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Thank you, my friend! I'm proud of myself! :)
Comment from Sean Daily
First, I am in awe of your creativity! How you came up with this story based on the writing prompt, well, let me just say I will be anxiously awaiting more of your work. I really enjoyed this story in and of itself. Also, flash fiction isn't easy. You did a great job.
I rate you six stars for creativity and you deserve more, but that's all there is. I blame FanStory.
I give you four stars for errors:
-The first four sentences are present tense, then the fifth sentence changes to past tense. The sixth returns to present.
-In the fifth sentence "a" cat actually killed Jake's rat, not "the" cat. "The" would be more appropriate here if Jake also owned the cat. Since you state the cat killed Jake's pet I can infer that the cat was random, not also a pet.
-I like the way you open with choppy sentences to move the story quickly into the meat of it. This also fits well with your genre as I'm sure you're aware. The sentence "But Jake is terrified..." is your longest sentence and slows the piece down letting the reader unconsciously know they have arrived at the real action of the story. Great job with that. However, I recommend, for the purpose of flow, to begin that sentence simply with, "He is terrified..." The previous sentence also begins with "Jake" so it will read better. Also, in horror it's ok to use prepositions to begin a sentence because it helps us keep that chop and build suspense, but it's no longer necessary at this point in your story so it just seems like bad grammar. Simply writing, "He is terrified..." will kill both those birds.
-"There isn't a single live feline around are all dead." is two sentences with
the second verb in the wrong place. ??
-In the sentence after that, maybe change "by" to "as" or "because".
-"Lead us the way!" should maybe read either "Lead the way" or "Lead us."
-"The new batch of evil." This is not necessarily an error because sentence fragments are allowed in horror. I'm just pointing it out for you to be aware that it is a fragment if you hadn't meant it to be.
The only real criticism I have is on your premise. While I love the story, I couldn't help but giggle as I read because of what seemed to me to be a pretty big flaw. You state, "They have eaten and killed all the rats remaining." My question is, did the cat poop reconstitute itself into the rats it used to be or did the rats eat their way out of the cats thus killing them? Otherwise, how did the rats come back to life if they were eaten? I giggled, not because you made a mistake, but because of the mental picture I kept having to push from my mind to continue reading the story. Maybe state that the rats were only partially eaten, partially digested, or that they actually eat their way out of the cats to kill them. I had to give you two stars for this. It was very distracting and took my attention away from an otherwise engrossing zombie tale.
(6 + 4 + 2) / 3 = 4 stars. This could easily be a six all the way across. I hope this was helpful. I really love your ideas! Thanks for the read!
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2021
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First, I am in awe of your creativity! How you came up with this story based on the writing prompt, well, let me just say I will be anxiously awaiting more of your work. I really enjoyed this story in and of itself. Also, flash fiction isn't easy. You did a great job.
I rate you six stars for creativity and you deserve more, but that's all there is. I blame FanStory.
I give you four stars for errors:
-The first four sentences are present tense, then the fifth sentence changes to past tense. The sixth returns to present.
-In the fifth sentence "a" cat actually killed Jake's rat, not "the" cat. "The" would be more appropriate here if Jake also owned the cat. Since you state the cat killed Jake's pet I can infer that the cat was random, not also a pet.
-I like the way you open with choppy sentences to move the story quickly into the meat of it. This also fits well with your genre as I'm sure you're aware. The sentence "But Jake is terrified..." is your longest sentence and slows the piece down letting the reader unconsciously know they have arrived at the real action of the story. Great job with that. However, I recommend, for the purpose of flow, to begin that sentence simply with, "He is terrified..." The previous sentence also begins with "Jake" so it will read better. Also, in horror it's ok to use prepositions to begin a sentence because it helps us keep that chop and build suspense, but it's no longer necessary at this point in your story so it just seems like bad grammar. Simply writing, "He is terrified..." will kill both those birds.
-"There isn't a single live feline around are all dead." is two sentences with
the second verb in the wrong place. ??
-In the sentence after that, maybe change "by" to "as" or "because".
-"Lead us the way!" should maybe read either "Lead the way" or "Lead us."
-"The new batch of evil." This is not necessarily an error because sentence fragments are allowed in horror. I'm just pointing it out for you to be aware that it is a fragment if you hadn't meant it to be.
The only real criticism I have is on your premise. While I love the story, I couldn't help but giggle as I read because of what seemed to me to be a pretty big flaw. You state, "They have eaten and killed all the rats remaining." My question is, did the cat poop reconstitute itself into the rats it used to be or did the rats eat their way out of the cats thus killing them? Otherwise, how did the rats come back to life if they were eaten? I giggled, not because you made a mistake, but because of the mental picture I kept having to push from my mind to continue reading the story. Maybe state that the rats were only partially eaten, partially digested, or that they actually eat their way out of the cats to kill them. I had to give you two stars for this. It was very distracting and took my attention away from an otherwise engrossing zombie tale.
(6 + 4 + 2) / 3 = 4 stars. This could easily be a six all the way across. I hope this was helpful. I really love your ideas! Thanks for the read!
Comment Written 18-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2021
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Thank you!
Comment from J.R. Michael
A very curious piece. The rats and cats both coming back was a nice twist. I appreciate the mystery is often times better than the answer. Having said that, I think there are a few too many unanswered questions. Why did the rats come back, why did that cats come back, how is Jake involved, how are the animals able to talk? I understand it's flash fiction so you don't have a lot of room for answers. So maybe having a hint to some of the questions would allow for a more cohesive piece.
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2021
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A very curious piece. The rats and cats both coming back was a nice twist. I appreciate the mystery is often times better than the answer. Having said that, I think there are a few too many unanswered questions. Why did the rats come back, why did that cats come back, how is Jake involved, how are the animals able to talk? I understand it's flash fiction so you don't have a lot of room for answers. So maybe having a hint to some of the questions would allow for a more cohesive piece.
Comment Written 16-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2021
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Thank you!
Comment from Rosemary Everson1
Ouch...this reminds me of some films where animals attack and kill people. Did you ever see the movie, The Birds? The original ending of The Birds was supposed to be a lot more elaborate. They also had devastation and dead people.
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2021
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Ouch...this reminds me of some films where animals attack and kill people. Did you ever see the movie, The Birds? The original ending of The Birds was supposed to be a lot more elaborate. They also had devastation and dead people.
Comment Written 16-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2021
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Thank you! No, I haven't seen The Birds. Thanks for the compliment!
Comment from JennStar
I liked the idea of this short story. The problem is it is hard to read. Some of the sentences are choppy and disconnected (not really grammar mistakes but style issues). There is no real development of emotion or connection so the horror that could be present is never felt. There is no reason for the conclusion of the story.
Here are just a couple grammar things I found:
*comma isn't needed - But, Jake is terrified of what both species are going to become.
* not a 100% but I think this should be were not are - The felines didn't know that they (are) coming back to hunt them down.
*add an - His pet is now (an) accessory to murder
*This doesn't read like a complete sentence - The rodents laugh of sweet revenge.
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2021
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I liked the idea of this short story. The problem is it is hard to read. Some of the sentences are choppy and disconnected (not really grammar mistakes but style issues). There is no real development of emotion or connection so the horror that could be present is never felt. There is no reason for the conclusion of the story.
Here are just a couple grammar things I found:
*comma isn't needed - But, Jake is terrified of what both species are going to become.
* not a 100% but I think this should be were not are - The felines didn't know that they (are) coming back to hunt them down.
*add an - His pet is now (an) accessory to murder
*This doesn't read like a complete sentence - The rodents laugh of sweet revenge.
Comment Written 15-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2021
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Thank you! Okay, I have fixed the mistakes. Please check it again. Is it good enough for a five stars rating now?
Comment from Gert sherwood
The Walking Dead Rats
Raul1 I know one thing you like to write about the horror of dead rats that are trying to rid of cats
Sounds like one should find a way to destroy the dead rats that aren't any cats.
Gert
Now that would make a good horror story
Find away to chase the dead rats out of New York
Gert
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2021
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The Walking Dead Rats
Raul1 I know one thing you like to write about the horror of dead rats that are trying to rid of cats
Sounds like one should find a way to destroy the dead rats that aren't any cats.
Gert
Now that would make a good horror story
Find away to chase the dead rats out of New York
Gert
Comment Written 15-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2021
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Thank you!
Comment from Mary Shifman
Wow, talk about a chain reaction! I'm glad I don't live anywhere near New York City. There is a lot of action but it has a stream of consciousness feel to it. Maybe that was your intention and if so, you succeeded. Personally, I feel that your story would benefit from some pauses so that your reader could catch their breath. I felt as if I'd been running down hill when I finished! Still, I think teenagers would love it.
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reply by the author on 15-Aug-2021
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Wow, talk about a chain reaction! I'm glad I don't live anywhere near New York City. There is a lot of action but it has a stream of consciousness feel to it. Maybe that was your intention and if so, you succeeded. Personally, I feel that your story would benefit from some pauses so that your reader could catch their breath. I felt as if I'd been running down hill when I finished! Still, I think teenagers would love it.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 15-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2021
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Thank you!
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You are welcome.
Comment from NABattaglia
Oh how the plot keeps switching and switching! Hard to believe NYC rats could fall pray to cats though--those things are huge! I guess it is fitting they came back with a vengeance. Great story and twist--thanks for sharing!
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2021
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Oh how the plot keeps switching and switching! Hard to believe NYC rats could fall pray to cats though--those things are huge! I guess it is fitting they came back with a vengeance. Great story and twist--thanks for sharing!
Comment Written 15-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2021
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Thank you!
Comment from Dolly'sPoems
It sounds like the rats are fighting back and the cats are suffering as a result here! I personally don't think rats will ever survive a stalking cat, but the tables turned here, a fun write, unusually and inventive, love Dolly x
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2021
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It sounds like the rats are fighting back and the cats are suffering as a result here! I personally don't think rats will ever survive a stalking cat, but the tables turned here, a fun write, unusually and inventive, love Dolly x
Comment Written 15-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2021
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Thank you!
Comment from Elizabeth Emerald
Vivid! You have the knack for horror!
coming back to haunt=>HUNT them down.
There isn't a single live feline around, [SUGG: OMIT but] are all dead.
The strangers look at them [unreal=>WITH DISBELIEF--is this what you mean?], and the dead cats come back to life.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2021
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Vivid! You have the knack for horror!
coming back to haunt=>HUNT them down.
There isn't a single live feline around, [SUGG: OMIT but] are all dead.
The strangers look at them [unreal=>WITH DISBELIEF--is this what you mean?], and the dead cats come back to life.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 14-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2021
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Thank you! I do have the knack for horror. Thanks for the compliment! I have fixed the mistakes.
