A Dying Wife's Last Wish
A wife dying of cancer. Leaves one request for her husband5 total reviews
Comment from Frances Jean
Ah, what a beautiful, well written story. It made me cry and I was completely absorbed. The end was a bit predictable but did not spoil the story at all. Only one grammatical error, '...despite the pain. Could...' should be could. All the best in the competition.Franky
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Ah, what a beautiful, well written story. It made me cry and I was completely absorbed. The end was a bit predictable but did not spoil the story at all. Only one grammatical error, '...despite the pain. Could...' should be could. All the best in the competition.Franky
Comment Written 03-Sep-2021
Comment from Katherine M. (k-11)
This is an extremely poignant story. The similarity of the two parcels is perhaps deliberate, but this is confusing to the reader.
Unfortunately, the piece is let down by many SPAG mistakes. I hope you will have time to fix these before the contest deadline. A few examples:
I told her, no, but she might > missing verb after but eg added / said
before I open it. > before I opened it.
carefully tore apart > contradiction in terms
and pulled and pulled a piece of tissue apart >
? and pulled a piece of tissue aside
started to thinking > started to think
at Harvard, I met and fell in love > at Harvard I met and fell in loved
daughter, Hannah > daughter Hannah
Since, I cannot cook, > Since I cannot cook,
sobbing in my chair tightly hold her letter. > sobbing in my chair tightly holding her letter.
Since we do not know when our time comes. I decided to say my goodbyes in these letters. > Since we do not know when our time comes, I decided to say my goodbyes in these letters. (nb there are several more places where you have used a stop instead of a comma, so sentences are incomplete)
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2021
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This is an extremely poignant story. The similarity of the two parcels is perhaps deliberate, but this is confusing to the reader.
Unfortunately, the piece is let down by many SPAG mistakes. I hope you will have time to fix these before the contest deadline. A few examples:
I told her, no, but she might > missing verb after but eg added / said
before I open it. > before I opened it.
carefully tore apart > contradiction in terms
and pulled and pulled a piece of tissue apart >
? and pulled a piece of tissue aside
started to thinking > started to think
at Harvard, I met and fell in love > at Harvard I met and fell in loved
daughter, Hannah > daughter Hannah
Since, I cannot cook, > Since I cannot cook,
sobbing in my chair tightly hold her letter. > sobbing in my chair tightly holding her letter.
Since we do not know when our time comes. I decided to say my goodbyes in these letters. > Since we do not know when our time comes, I decided to say my goodbyes in these letters. (nb there are several more places where you have used a stop instead of a comma, so sentences are incomplete)
Comment Written 12-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2021
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Thank you so much for the suggestions. As you can tell, English is not my strong suit.
If you have time. Could you take another look at it and let me know if it looks better? I did make changes.
I appreciate people such as yourself taking the time to really help someone.
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I have the greatest admiration for NNESs such as yourself writing in English, and am always wary of making suggestions, as I don't want to seem critical. But when I see a really good story like yours I just want it to be polished and flow as best possible, without detracting from what you want to say. I will be happy to read it again this evening (it is now 8 p.m. here - even if that's a bit late for the contest, at least it may help you for your next post).
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It is better, but I feel there is still room for improvement, both because of suggested changes you chose not to add, and because you didn't always look at an example given, and manage to change all sentences with the same structure problem. I think as it is it is Okay, and you will get better now with practise and especially lots of reading of good work. Good luck with your writing, Katherine.
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Katherine,
Thank you so much for taking the time to go over my changes. I found a class at a nearby community college that has several courses in writing. I plan on taking one of their courses.
Again, I cannot thank you enough for your help.
Richard
Comment from RodG
Your story is poignant as we meet the judge and his beloved Kathleen who knows him so well. You describe her decline, her death and the aftermath (her letters) without being maudlin. We are happy for him that an old friend reenters his life. Although the events of your story are predictable, I enjoyed reading it.
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2021
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Your story is poignant as we meet the judge and his beloved Kathleen who knows him so well. You describe her decline, her death and the aftermath (her letters) without being maudlin. We are happy for him that an old friend reenters his life. Although the events of your story are predictable, I enjoyed reading it.
Comment Written 11-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2021
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I consider a story I write a success when I read comments such as yours. I write for the enjoyment and the hope my stories bring something to a reader.
Thank you again!
Comment from Elizabeth Emerald
Heartbreaking/warming. Wonderful story--grabbed and held--brilliantly narrated--internal monolgue rings true. This may be a winner.
stain=>STAINED glass window
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2021
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Heartbreaking/warming. Wonderful story--grabbed and held--brilliantly narrated--internal monolgue rings true. This may be a winner.
stain=>STAINED glass window
Comment Written 11-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2021
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Thank you for reading one more of my stories. I appreciate it very much. I write for the love of writing and the hope those that read one of my stories find some enjoyment in them.
Comment from Bonnie Seach
The story conveys the author's feelings at the loss of his wife, and finding her final request.
It is emotive and poignant.
Death has a terrible sting.
May the author and his children find comfort in the Bible promise of a resurrection of the dead from the Memorial Tombs. John 5:28,29
Thank you for sharing
Best wishes
tomorrow's trial. I was startled
A comma is needed after "trial", not a period
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2021
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The story conveys the author's feelings at the loss of his wife, and finding her final request.
It is emotive and poignant.
Death has a terrible sting.
May the author and his children find comfort in the Bible promise of a resurrection of the dead from the Memorial Tombs. John 5:28,29
Thank you for sharing
Best wishes
tomorrow's trial. I was startled
A comma is needed after "trial", not a period
Comment Written 11-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2021
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Thank you for your kind words. They are greatly appreciated.
I hope if you have time, you read some of my other stories. In most you will find a common theme. Stories that have struggles, faith, spirit, friendship and a meaning.
I am a person of great faith and I try to convey that in writings.
I just finished a true story about my oldest brother. It is in a small way a tribute to him.
