Secrets in the Wind
Viewing comments for Chapter 21 "Secrets in the Wind - Chap 21"A story of loss, deceit, murder and crime
17 total reviews
Comment from karenina
Oh good grief! This was a five tissue chapter! I'd guessed "twins" but could not have guessed this heart rendering expose' and yes, it got to me... How wonderful Mary and Faith were able to glow in the joy of mother and daughter-- I so hoped within those boxes something would bring peace to Faith as she lay dying! As for the anger Garth erupted with? Well heck yeah! The ball was dropped big time, on his watch...and this little confession about letting the priest in the room? Wow--that's going to backfire on bad boy Jon! I liked Allie's spunk! If she can make it through the tussle up in prison she surely has proven she can be a spitfire! One little type I think? ""Who knows Cassidy is alive? Has anyone seen here since the lockdown?"--Did you want "her" not "here"??
(I am the official queen of typos so don't even think this little slip gats you a leg up on me!
Besides! I could not sleep last night wondering how you were going to pull off getting Cassidy somewhere besides back in prison! I never doubted you...but (duh on me!)--"killing her"--and notifying her (grrrr) brother Jon is really going to set off an explosion of epic proportions!
GREAT chapter--gotta hand you a six here, Carol If it makes me cry, I know you're doing your thing!
Karenina
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2021
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Oh good grief! This was a five tissue chapter! I'd guessed "twins" but could not have guessed this heart rendering expose' and yes, it got to me... How wonderful Mary and Faith were able to glow in the joy of mother and daughter-- I so hoped within those boxes something would bring peace to Faith as she lay dying! As for the anger Garth erupted with? Well heck yeah! The ball was dropped big time, on his watch...and this little confession about letting the priest in the room? Wow--that's going to backfire on bad boy Jon! I liked Allie's spunk! If she can make it through the tussle up in prison she surely has proven she can be a spitfire! One little type I think? ""Who knows Cassidy is alive? Has anyone seen here since the lockdown?"--Did you want "her" not "here"??
(I am the official queen of typos so don't even think this little slip gats you a leg up on me!
Besides! I could not sleep last night wondering how you were going to pull off getting Cassidy somewhere besides back in prison! I never doubted you...but (duh on me!)--"killing her"--and notifying her (grrrr) brother Jon is really going to set off an explosion of epic proportions!
GREAT chapter--gotta hand you a six here, Carol If it makes me cry, I know you're doing your thing!
Karenina
Comment Written 31-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2021
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I am laughing so hard and loving every minute of this review...regardless of the wonderful stars. I loved the chapter and Allie's personality lighting up the place...some did not. You've made this tiresome day into a peaceful night. I am exhausted but I had to answer your reviews. If you can do it, so can I.
Love you...Carol
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I am a thrilled I made you laugh! Music to my ears!
Karenina
Comment from Raffaelina Lowcock
The scheme to kill has failed but a new scheme by the FBI will secure her life. Pretending she has died should help in keeping her safe. As to the mysterious Faith, the turn of events seem somewhat miraculous. The retired nurse and current caregiver of Faith finds out that she has been caring for her own daughter. She had given up twins for adoption and Faith was one of them. What a blessing.
Ralf
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2021
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The scheme to kill has failed but a new scheme by the FBI will secure her life. Pretending she has died should help in keeping her safe. As to the mysterious Faith, the turn of events seem somewhat miraculous. The retired nurse and current caregiver of Faith finds out that she has been caring for her own daughter. She had given up twins for adoption and Faith was one of them. What a blessing.
Ralf
Comment Written 22-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2021
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Ralf,
You have jumped around the chapters so much I have no idea how you are keeping the story straight. I have difficulty and I am writing it. LOL Thank you so much for reading and catching up on all the chapters. It's awesome. Smiles, Carol
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Your stories are easy to follow because the content is so well composed in a systematic way. Each character has their own story and everything conncects.
Ralf
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Awesome! That makes me feel so good!
Comment from Mary Kay Bonfante
So... two bombshells in this chapter! First, the agents did not initially know that "Father" Jon was involved in the nurse's poisoning at the hospital; and then, we see Mary discovering that Faith is really her daughter -- and Annie is her granddaughter! I wonder what really happened to Hope, Faith's weaker twin sister?
Small spags:
Just waiting on you.
-->
Just waiting on you."
Garth swallowed his coffee
-->
Garth swallowed his coffee.
Faith Cranston-Newton - daughter of the Ted and Meredith Cranston
-->
Faith Cranston-Newton - daughter of Ted and Meredith Cranston
***
Allie is a real firecracker, bursting into an FBI meeting and running over an agent with a motorized wheelchair, in the process. She had a good idea, to hide Cassidy at Elizabeth's place... but are too many spies lurking around there?
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2021
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So... two bombshells in this chapter! First, the agents did not initially know that "Father" Jon was involved in the nurse's poisoning at the hospital; and then, we see Mary discovering that Faith is really her daughter -- and Annie is her granddaughter! I wonder what really happened to Hope, Faith's weaker twin sister?
Small spags:
Just waiting on you.
-->
Just waiting on you."
Garth swallowed his coffee
-->
Garth swallowed his coffee.
Faith Cranston-Newton - daughter of the Ted and Meredith Cranston
-->
Faith Cranston-Newton - daughter of Ted and Meredith Cranston
***
Allie is a real firecracker, bursting into an FBI meeting and running over an agent with a motorized wheelchair, in the process. She had a good idea, to hide Cassidy at Elizabeth's place... but are too many spies lurking around there?
Comment Written 13-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2021
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Yes, look out for Allie. She's not going to let anyone push her around nor will she let anything happen to her friends if she can help it. Thanks for the review and all the help. Smiles, Carol
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Allie is a tough cookie, with a tender heart.
You're welcome, as always.
God bless you and your family.
Love, Mary Kay xoxo
Comment from Susan Newell
Good morning Carol,
This one was really hard for me to review. As I read, I feel like you are ignoring your story in order to rapidly advance the plot. The second half was much better than the first, but both need work. Once again, narrative is suffering at the hands of dialogue. It seems that you are rushing to tell something in five or six words, particularly when writing about things about which you have a shallow depth of knowledge. Readers demand an authentic read. The whole lockdown of the fifth floor seems inapt. They'd secure the room, but the perp was long gone. I also thought Allie came across as an obnoxious bitch, which doesn't conform to how she'd have to act to gain someone's confidence and get an inside story.
Everything is moving, and that's good. But maybe you are moving too fast. Perhaps you could do a plot outline, look for inconsistencies, then go back and write the story. Once you have your plot "on paper," you can relax and really flesh out the story. I think you just have too much inside that is screaming to get out, so you short-change the present to get to the future more quickly.
I know you can write rich narrative if you allow yourself the time to do so. Copious notes follow.
Holding a carrot and a stick. :-)
Sue
as the light changed. -- suggest: when the light (avoids back-to-back use of as
crime lab.-- crime scene team?
Tango hung up the phone and sent out a group text. -- "hung up" seems out of place for a cell phone
"Conference Room 2 in fifteen minutes. Mandatory." -- Where is the conference room? At the hospital? Are they just commandeering it?
things popped. -- used the word popping a few paragraphs above. Reword?
went into lockdown. Staff, including nurses, orderlies, and aides, transferred the patients to different wings. -- This is contradictory. In "lockdown" no one comes or goes.
dusted every inch of room 520 for fingerprints or other clues. -- Did they dust for other clues? :-)
Agents checked the cameras -- needs more. They would have to look at footage from security cameras. They don't even have tapes anymore. It's all digital. This may be premature because they don't yet know what they are looking for.
"Caldwell 2 - Woodhouse 0. I don't know about you, but I don't care for those statistics." -- statistics seems a little much and not confrontational in nature. How about "that score".
"Yes, sir. Black?" Garth nodded, -- on first read it seems as though Garth is speaking.
accepted the coffee cup -- sounds out of place. Was it styrofoam?
"This is a private FBI meeting, Sunshine." Garth towered over Allie, but she had no intention of backing down. -- This whole section seems "off." Garth had already made Allie part of the team. He would have included her from the start since she was in prison with Cassidy and could have a lot to contribute.
his......." ==> his . . ."
The standard plastic sealed the candy box." -- I would place this info right after basket, and I think you need to pump up the info about the factory seal. Perhaps the store owner remembered having to open a new carton to fill the order.
muddle up the waters. ==> muddy ?
Somehow that candy got in the room -- should clarify between shop candy and poisoned candy
"His back because he was facing the bed. -- seems a little awkward. Perhaps begin with "I could see . . ."
But I could hear him." ==> And I could . . .
Garth knew he was hard on him, but he needed answers, ones only Howard could give. ==>
Garth knew he was [insert] being hard on [change to] Howard, but he needed answers, ones only Howard could give.
"Someone check the security cameras. -- you already had them doing this. They need to do it again looking for something specific (or delete the first one and expand this one.
"We've got to get her to safety, but how and where?" -- it doesn't seem authentic that Garth wouldn't know how to handle this. End after "safety" and Allie could still make her suggestions.
"No, once the gurney rushed to OR, -- the OR for poisoning? I think the ER.
"Send officers to the church and tell Jon she died." -- Is this Allie speaking? Do we know that she knows Jon and Cassidy are siblings? Does "the team" know that? Wouldn't Garth pretty quickly put two and two together if he knew Cassidy's brother was a priest? Jon didn't tell Howard he was there to see his sister.
"You don't think her brother will want to see her body? What about a funeral? It won't work." -- Is this Garth speaking? An agent? See above.
Allie's cheesy smile screamed, "Score one for me." -- I think this diminishes the story.
Part 2
a shot record, ==> vaccination record
Reverend Mother had taken it thirty years ago. -- suggest snapped; taken has a connotation of having absconded with it.
and taking the picture -- she didn't take it, she posed for it.
The box held a treasure ==> One box (there were several)
You've been the only mother I ever wanted, Mary. You've been there for Annie and me through it all. -- Seems odd. What about her adoptive mother? And Mary only arrived when Faith needed home care. More like a second mother?
"The nuns took her to the poor-folks hospital. -- sounds more like 1880 than 1980. Did she give birth in the convent infirmary? A Catholic Charities hospital pediatric unit would be more believable.
"Mary... Is this real? You're my mom. You're Annie's grandmother. -- last two sentences are also question.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2021
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Good morning Carol,
This one was really hard for me to review. As I read, I feel like you are ignoring your story in order to rapidly advance the plot. The second half was much better than the first, but both need work. Once again, narrative is suffering at the hands of dialogue. It seems that you are rushing to tell something in five or six words, particularly when writing about things about which you have a shallow depth of knowledge. Readers demand an authentic read. The whole lockdown of the fifth floor seems inapt. They'd secure the room, but the perp was long gone. I also thought Allie came across as an obnoxious bitch, which doesn't conform to how she'd have to act to gain someone's confidence and get an inside story.
Everything is moving, and that's good. But maybe you are moving too fast. Perhaps you could do a plot outline, look for inconsistencies, then go back and write the story. Once you have your plot "on paper," you can relax and really flesh out the story. I think you just have too much inside that is screaming to get out, so you short-change the present to get to the future more quickly.
I know you can write rich narrative if you allow yourself the time to do so. Copious notes follow.
Holding a carrot and a stick. :-)
Sue
as the light changed. -- suggest: when the light (avoids back-to-back use of as
crime lab.-- crime scene team?
Tango hung up the phone and sent out a group text. -- "hung up" seems out of place for a cell phone
"Conference Room 2 in fifteen minutes. Mandatory." -- Where is the conference room? At the hospital? Are they just commandeering it?
things popped. -- used the word popping a few paragraphs above. Reword?
went into lockdown. Staff, including nurses, orderlies, and aides, transferred the patients to different wings. -- This is contradictory. In "lockdown" no one comes or goes.
dusted every inch of room 520 for fingerprints or other clues. -- Did they dust for other clues? :-)
Agents checked the cameras -- needs more. They would have to look at footage from security cameras. They don't even have tapes anymore. It's all digital. This may be premature because they don't yet know what they are looking for.
"Caldwell 2 - Woodhouse 0. I don't know about you, but I don't care for those statistics." -- statistics seems a little much and not confrontational in nature. How about "that score".
"Yes, sir. Black?" Garth nodded, -- on first read it seems as though Garth is speaking.
accepted the coffee cup -- sounds out of place. Was it styrofoam?
"This is a private FBI meeting, Sunshine." Garth towered over Allie, but she had no intention of backing down. -- This whole section seems "off." Garth had already made Allie part of the team. He would have included her from the start since she was in prison with Cassidy and could have a lot to contribute.
his......." ==> his . . ."
The standard plastic sealed the candy box." -- I would place this info right after basket, and I think you need to pump up the info about the factory seal. Perhaps the store owner remembered having to open a new carton to fill the order.
muddle up the waters. ==> muddy ?
Somehow that candy got in the room -- should clarify between shop candy and poisoned candy
"His back because he was facing the bed. -- seems a little awkward. Perhaps begin with "I could see . . ."
But I could hear him." ==> And I could . . .
Garth knew he was hard on him, but he needed answers, ones only Howard could give. ==>
Garth knew he was [insert] being hard on [change to] Howard, but he needed answers, ones only Howard could give.
"Someone check the security cameras. -- you already had them doing this. They need to do it again looking for something specific (or delete the first one and expand this one.
"We've got to get her to safety, but how and where?" -- it doesn't seem authentic that Garth wouldn't know how to handle this. End after "safety" and Allie could still make her suggestions.
"No, once the gurney rushed to OR, -- the OR for poisoning? I think the ER.
"Send officers to the church and tell Jon she died." -- Is this Allie speaking? Do we know that she knows Jon and Cassidy are siblings? Does "the team" know that? Wouldn't Garth pretty quickly put two and two together if he knew Cassidy's brother was a priest? Jon didn't tell Howard he was there to see his sister.
"You don't think her brother will want to see her body? What about a funeral? It won't work." -- Is this Garth speaking? An agent? See above.
Allie's cheesy smile screamed, "Score one for me." -- I think this diminishes the story.
Part 2
a shot record, ==> vaccination record
Reverend Mother had taken it thirty years ago. -- suggest snapped; taken has a connotation of having absconded with it.
and taking the picture -- she didn't take it, she posed for it.
The box held a treasure ==> One box (there were several)
You've been the only mother I ever wanted, Mary. You've been there for Annie and me through it all. -- Seems odd. What about her adoptive mother? And Mary only arrived when Faith needed home care. More like a second mother?
"The nuns took her to the poor-folks hospital. -- sounds more like 1880 than 1980. Did she give birth in the convent infirmary? A Catholic Charities hospital pediatric unit would be more believable.
"Mary... Is this real? You're my mom. You're Annie's grandmother. -- last two sentences are also question.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 09-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2021
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Hi, Sue... Hope you are doing okay. Haven't heard from you nor have I seen the story you were writing. It's sweltering and humid here...between the storms which keep knocking out my internet. I believe I got the changes or at least I hope they all were saved.
Thank you as always...As I melt away like the wicked witch of the east. smiles and hugs, Carol
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Good morning,
Sweltering here, too. Storms mostly went around us yesterday afternoon with a very brief cooling. Hot and sticky this A.M. i gave up on my story for now. It just wasn't working and it's too hot to think. Glad to see you back. I was wondering where you'd been.
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
Oh! I'm thinking that Liz is her twin, and she must find out before Faith dies! That would be so unfair if she never finds out, and of course, Mary would be Liz's mother, too! What a turn-up for the books!! I have another chapter to read, I'm off to do it now! Superp, my friend!! :)) Sandra xxx
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2021
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Oh! I'm thinking that Liz is her twin, and she must find out before Faith dies! That would be so unfair if she never finds out, and of course, Mary would be Liz's mother, too! What a turn-up for the books!! I have another chapter to read, I'm off to do it now! Superp, my friend!! :)) Sandra xxx
Comment Written 09-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2021
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thanks, Sandra...
It seems everyone likes the story line, but a few don't like how I do it. I keep reminding myself what you told me.... I can't please everyone. i just have to write and hope I do my best. It's been a tough day but I made it through it. Thanks for the review and all your support.
Smiles, Carol
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I've just read your reviews. Carol, this is your story, not your readers. Constructive critisism is fine, but don't let your story be taken over by them. I think you are doing a great job, and I'm not alone thinking that. Stick to your guns and continue to write your way, after all, we are what we write, not what others want us to write. You're doing fine! xxxx
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Thank you as always...I know you always have my back and are always there to support me. You are awesome!
Smiles and hugs, Carol
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I only tell you the truth, my friend. But, I like being awesome!!! Lol. xxxx
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LOL... That's why I love you!
Comment from ShirleyT1
Another wonderful, action packed chapter. This one is also full of emotion and lost 'hope' being re-stirred. You are a great writer who keeps the reader involved whole-heartedly in your story.
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2021
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Another wonderful, action packed chapter. This one is also full of emotion and lost 'hope' being re-stirred. You are a great writer who keeps the reader involved whole-heartedly in your story.
Comment Written 09-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2021
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Thank you Shirley...
I write from emotions and I am thrilled when someone says they feel that and respond to it. Many thanks for your kindness and support.
Smiles, Carol
Comment from Judy Lawless
Wow, isn't this a box of emotions! Carol, you've taken us from tears of fear for Cassidy and Stacy, to share Garth's anger and the mistakes made, and then back to tears of joy for Mary and Faith, all in ten minutes of reading. Whew, I think I'm done reviewing for now. Well done!
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2021
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Wow, isn't this a box of emotions! Carol, you've taken us from tears of fear for Cassidy and Stacy, to share Garth's anger and the mistakes made, and then back to tears of joy for Mary and Faith, all in ten minutes of reading. Whew, I think I'm done reviewing for now. Well done!
Comment Written 08-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2021
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you are just awesome and I love it! I have been wanting to write this chapter ever since I thought of it. It actually should have been two chapters but...I started and just had to do it. I am thrilled you had the reaction I was hoping for...
Love ya, Carol
Comment from royowen
What an incredible gift, Mary's daughter returned to her, and the incredible way in which it was done, you know how to move your reader, I have been a dreamer since my childhood. It looks like Howard is in trouble and is naive enough to know he's been gypped! But not Allie, she's a fireball. Beautifully written my friend, blessings Roy
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2021
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What an incredible gift, Mary's daughter returned to her, and the incredible way in which it was done, you know how to move your reader, I have been a dreamer since my childhood. It looks like Howard is in trouble and is naive enough to know he's been gypped! But not Allie, she's a fireball. Beautifully written my friend, blessings Roy
Comment Written 08-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2021
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thanks... I couldn't wait to tell Mary's story...I've wanted to write it ever since I thought of it. and Allie.... yeah, don't get in her way!
Smiles, Carol
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Excellent about Mary, almost a separate story, you?re a dreamer, you must be plugged in to mine.
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yes, i could have written so much more but I didn't want a lopsided story. LOL My heart wanted to bring happiness into the book...bad is still going to happy but the focus is on a happy ending.
Smiles, Carol
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Yep, I know your mind works as mine, let?s face it, it does, even if it doesn?t seem that way sometimes,
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Yep, I know your mind works as mine, let?s face it, it does work out, even if it doesn?t seem that way sometimes,
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Thanks for the smiles you added to my day... I might need extra prayers tomorrow but I'm trying to be positive. Smiles, Carol
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God meant for me to meet you so i would open up my heart and soul more to sharing about how I feel about our Lord. Thank you...
Hugs, Carol
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I?m so glad you believe that God doesn?t make mistakes, we all need each other.
Comment from Carol Clark2
So much information is shared in this chapter. It's great that Mary has been caring for her own daughter and granddaughter all along. What a gift! I'm looking forward to the reunion with the missing twin. Blessings. Carol
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2021
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So much information is shared in this chapter. It's great that Mary has been caring for her own daughter and granddaughter all along. What a gift! I'm looking forward to the reunion with the missing twin. Blessings. Carol
Comment Written 08-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2021
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Hi, Carol
Yes, it was a powerful chapter and lots of emotions. I am happy that Mary and Faith are together and that they have had five years of together time before she became so ill.
The review and the stars are awesome and so are you!
Smiles, Carol
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Awww, you're sweet! Have a blessed week. Smiles back to you. Carol
Comment from barbara.wilkey
Allie is good for Garth, or maybe Garth is good for Allie, anyway, I like them together. LOL I am also happy that Mary discovered Faith is her baby. What I am wondering if is Liz isn't the missing baby, presumed to be dead. I like this story.
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2021
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Allie is good for Garth, or maybe Garth is good for Allie, anyway, I like them together. LOL I am also happy that Mary discovered Faith is her baby. What I am wondering if is Liz isn't the missing baby, presumed to be dead. I like this story.
Comment Written 08-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2021
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Thanks for your continued support, Barbara. I am thrilled you are enjoying the story.
Smiles, Carol