Secrets in the Wind
Viewing comments for Chapter 19 "Secrets in the Wind - Chapter 19"A story of loss, deceit, murder and crime
18 total reviews
Comment from Wendy G
My mind is tying a few threads together - but I know I must wait. It was interesting to get this backstory on Mary, Faith and Annie.
I noticed a couple of things: "Scarfed covered head" in line1 (Just "scarf-covered"). Regarding her glass of water: "can't reach it" sounds better than "can't reach to it". And I wondered about the expression "two way street", as over here it means that there is mutual obligation or duty, so I wondered if "a win-win situation" might be better. Just a thought.
Still very much enjoying your story!
Wendy
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2021
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My mind is tying a few threads together - but I know I must wait. It was interesting to get this backstory on Mary, Faith and Annie.
I noticed a couple of things: "Scarfed covered head" in line1 (Just "scarf-covered"). Regarding her glass of water: "can't reach it" sounds better than "can't reach to it". And I wondered about the expression "two way street", as over here it means that there is mutual obligation or duty, so I wondered if "a win-win situation" might be better. Just a thought.
Still very much enjoying your story!
Wendy
Comment Written 05-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2021
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Thanks Wendy and Good morning
I rechecked and fixed the suggestions and I appreciate it very much. Sometimes I can read something and that's not how I meant to write it....or I think something and type something totally different. I think I might have a screw loose somewhere. LOL
Smiles, Carol
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Oh you wouldn?t believe the corrections I have to make if I am using my phone instead of the computer. One letter wrong and it changes the word to what it thinks I may have wanted to say - and it comes out totally wrong. So, no you don?t have a screw loose! It can so easily happen. Hugs to you. Love your story.
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
That was a shock for me, too, Carol! What a shame! It's great that Many became their legal guardian, that will help with poor Annie after her mummy has passed away. But, I agree with Hank, why all the mystery? Why didn't he mention her to Liz? There has to be a lot more going on here than we know about. I don't for one minute believe Jack cheated on Liz, so what was the problem. You will let us know in your own good time, I know that, but I'm IMPATIENT!!!! Great part in this story, and so beautifully written. Well done, my friend. :)) Sandra xxx
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2021
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That was a shock for me, too, Carol! What a shame! It's great that Many became their legal guardian, that will help with poor Annie after her mummy has passed away. But, I agree with Hank, why all the mystery? Why didn't he mention her to Liz? There has to be a lot more going on here than we know about. I don't for one minute believe Jack cheated on Liz, so what was the problem. You will let us know in your own good time, I know that, but I'm IMPATIENT!!!! Great part in this story, and so beautifully written. Well done, my friend. :)) Sandra xxx
Comment Written 05-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2021
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I've written myself into a bit of a bind.... Initially, Liz was not to know she was adopted, but when I wrote her talking it just seemed to flow differently...Anyhow, I believe he sent DNA away and was waiting for the results when he was murdered. I always seem to make a goof somewhere because my mind changes the story while I go. Working on it!!!
Love ya, Carol
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My story changed direction more times than I've turned corners! It's the way it goes sometimes. Let your fingers do the business, they seem to be doing very well!! LOL. Love you back! xxx
Comment from Susan Newell
This is a good chapter as we learn more about Mary, Faith and Annie. Without a book to flip through to refresh myself, I'm struggling to keep track of al the women. Mary and Cassidy are about the same age. Cassidy and Faith were born on the same day in the same place. At about the same time Mary gave birth to twin daughters where? One was adopted, one died?
Notes/proofing:
scarfed covered ==> scarf-covered
making the unused dining room--converting?
" A raspy cough escaped her ==> Faith's (no clear antecedent for her)
She reached out her skeletal hand toward Mary. Holding hands, she struggled for air before continuing, -- She stretched her arm to clasp Mary's hand in her own skeletal one, and struggled for air before she continued, ???
Her heart still ached for both of them; one adopted and the other an angel. -- By now I've forgotten Mary's backstory. Impregnated by Jon, had twin daughters, one adopted, one died? Maybe a little review via Mary's thoughts would help reader recall.
Smiled and adjusted the scarf ==> She smiled
A tear trickled down her sunken cheek. -- Faith's; no antecedent for her.
aching heart as she laid the blanket around the frail, -- laid or tucked?
Jack McKinley and the -- extra space
Mary's finger tightened on the rifle's trigger as she pointed the gun at the stranger. -- Rule number one of gun safety is never point a gun with your finger on the trigger unless you know you are going to shoot. Her finger would be on the trigger guard, ready to go to the trigger if necessary. You definitely wouldn't put pressure on the trigger while you were assessing the situation.
He didn't offer how shocked they'd been to discover their existence.-- a little awkward since they and their are two different groups. You can reword this.
leaned it against the porch railing. -- extra space
He stacked the boxes -- who did? Read's like Sebastian. Giggling at the image. :-)
so she's taking a nap with her daughter, Annie." -- they aren't napping together. Is Mary lying to Hank?
Faith stopped all treatments except for the chemo shot Dr. Copeland gives her every Thursday. -- earlier you said she stopped all chem. Should this just be a shot?
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2021
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This is a good chapter as we learn more about Mary, Faith and Annie. Without a book to flip through to refresh myself, I'm struggling to keep track of al the women. Mary and Cassidy are about the same age. Cassidy and Faith were born on the same day in the same place. At about the same time Mary gave birth to twin daughters where? One was adopted, one died?
Notes/proofing:
scarfed covered ==> scarf-covered
making the unused dining room--converting?
" A raspy cough escaped her ==> Faith's (no clear antecedent for her)
She reached out her skeletal hand toward Mary. Holding hands, she struggled for air before continuing, -- She stretched her arm to clasp Mary's hand in her own skeletal one, and struggled for air before she continued, ???
Her heart still ached for both of them; one adopted and the other an angel. -- By now I've forgotten Mary's backstory. Impregnated by Jon, had twin daughters, one adopted, one died? Maybe a little review via Mary's thoughts would help reader recall.
Smiled and adjusted the scarf ==> She smiled
A tear trickled down her sunken cheek. -- Faith's; no antecedent for her.
aching heart as she laid the blanket around the frail, -- laid or tucked?
Jack McKinley and the -- extra space
Mary's finger tightened on the rifle's trigger as she pointed the gun at the stranger. -- Rule number one of gun safety is never point a gun with your finger on the trigger unless you know you are going to shoot. Her finger would be on the trigger guard, ready to go to the trigger if necessary. You definitely wouldn't put pressure on the trigger while you were assessing the situation.
He didn't offer how shocked they'd been to discover their existence.-- a little awkward since they and their are two different groups. You can reword this.
leaned it against the porch railing. -- extra space
He stacked the boxes -- who did? Read's like Sebastian. Giggling at the image. :-)
so she's taking a nap with her daughter, Annie." -- they aren't napping together. Is Mary lying to Hank?
Faith stopped all treatments except for the chemo shot Dr. Copeland gives her every Thursday. -- earlier you said she stopped all chem. Should this just be a shot?
Comment Written 05-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2021
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NOTE FROM THE FIRST CHAPTER:
Frantic, Mary had tried to reach Jon, Alec, or the Saladino family with no response to any of her phone calls. The next day, she received a package from Jon?s sister Cassidy. Inside, she found a photo album with pictures of Jon and a brief note explaining how the Saladino family had decided on a small cremation service for immediate family only. It also said their dad had accepted a transfer to Italy, and they were moving immediately.
*************
The manipulating parents had forced her and Jon to bend to their ways.
*******
My mother did not take the "original chemo," but the third time she had cancer, she had shots once a week in the chemo lab at $28,000 a pop (I didn't find that out until I started going through her insurance papers). We were told they were a form of chemo shots. That's what I based it on for the story. It's not chemo that people normally think about, but they are called chemo shots.
I believe I have fixed everything, and all is well in Chapter 19. LOL Thank you once again for all your smarts and know-how!
Smiles and hugs, Carol
Comment from royowen
What a sad "one off" , that's what it sounds like, looking after a terminally ill patient, with a precious little daughter, I don't think I would hesitate to adopt a child if I could, I don't think a child should ever be an orphan. Beautifully written again Carol, blessings Roy
Typo : I can't seem to reach (to) it.
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2021
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What a sad "one off" , that's what it sounds like, looking after a terminally ill patient, with a precious little daughter, I don't think I would hesitate to adopt a child if I could, I don't think a child should ever be an orphan. Beautifully written again Carol, blessings Roy
Typo : I can't seem to reach (to) it.
Comment Written 05-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2021
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Me either... WE are meant to have families and friends...the bigger the better. Sharing life's blessings and singing our Lord's praises.
Smiles, Carol
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You?re absolutely right Carol.
Comment from Beejay
You are such an inspiration and have so much talent...you are definitely a brilliant wordsmith, as this is the work of a gifted story teller..
It's always a privilege to read your work.
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2021
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You are such an inspiration and have so much talent...you are definitely a brilliant wordsmith, as this is the work of a gifted story teller..
It's always a privilege to read your work.
Comment Written 05-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2021
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Beejay,
You touch my heart with your kindness and I don't know how to thank you enough. I greatest enjoyment is to know that others truly appreciate and enjoy my work. You are awesome and I have tears in my eyes.
smiles and hugs, Carol
Comment from Ric Myworld
Sadly, all the rifles in the world won't be able to protect Faith for long. But we can always pray for a miracle, which don't always come around in time. Thanks for sharing.
But her she was, standing on her front porch,
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2021
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Sadly, all the rifles in the world won't be able to protect Faith for long. But we can always pray for a miracle, which don't always come around in time. Thanks for sharing.
But her she was, standing on her front porch,
Comment Written 05-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2021
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Got it fixed!!
Yes, miracles don't always happen. MY mom's miracle was she had no pain. The doctors could not explain how her body was completely ravaged by cancer and she never felt any pain. She was talking to me the last night like normal, fell asleep and just didn't wake up. She was blessed and so was I.
Smiles, Carol
Comment from barbara.wilkey
This post helps describe more of the situation, but also causes more questions. Why was Jack keeping such a secret?
But her she was, standing on her front porch, watching a Jeep make its way toward the house. (But here????)
"She nodded, "Yes, I am." (Don't need quotation mark in front of 'She')
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reply by the author on 05-Aug-2021
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This post helps describe more of the situation, but also causes more questions. Why was Jack keeping such a secret?
But her she was, standing on her front porch, watching a Jeep make its way toward the house. (But here????)
"She nodded, "Yes, I am." (Don't need quotation mark in front of 'She')
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 05-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2021
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I saw that mistake and went back over it three times and couldn't find it...I am going blind. Thank you!
I think he loved Liz so much that he wanted to be sure before he ever dropped such a big thing on her...In his eyes and Allie's, she was quite fragile. And then he died...murdered or accident? Time ran out.
Smiles, Carol
Comment from Elizabeth Emerald
You nailed it again. Heartrending death scene, poignant interation.
typos:
But her=>HERE she was, standing on her front porch, watching a Jeep
Recent heavy rain [SUGG: HAD] washed out parts of the road
Six weeks of obedience school had taught Sebastion=>SEBASTIAN well.
"I'm Hank Armato, a friend of the McKinley's=>McKinleys
alright UK/all right US==where do you live?
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reply by the author on 05-Aug-2021
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You nailed it again. Heartrending death scene, poignant interation.
typos:
But her=>HERE she was, standing on her front porch, watching a Jeep
Recent heavy rain [SUGG: HAD] washed out parts of the road
Six weeks of obedience school had taught Sebastion=>SEBASTIAN well.
"I'm Hank Armato, a friend of the McKinley's=>McKinleys
alright UK/all right US==where do you live?
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 05-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2021
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I've lived in the US all my life, but I am part English so maybe that explains why I've always used alright. LOL Everything else is fixed and I thank you for the additional ones.
Death scene? Did I write something wrong? No one died yet...close by not yet.
Smiles, Carol
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No--but damn close to death!
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Yes she is!
