Genius in Love
Viewing comments for Chapter 8 "Genius in Love, Scene 8"In Search of a Soul
26 total reviews
Comment from kmoss
Your beginning warning is hilarious. The seats were a little too warm. Lol.
This didn't feel long at all! It flows very nicely. I don't know why that this is the first time I've picked up on the magic castle and how it would ruin Cornelius. Maybe it was meant to be revealed now instead of earlier. It's absolutely genius. I'm impressed, as always.
One note, I think this could be phrased better: Gone before you get to know that out of the two of you would have sprung a far greater magic than Pidely-Poo's.
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2021
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Your beginning warning is hilarious. The seats were a little too warm. Lol.
This didn't feel long at all! It flows very nicely. I don't know why that this is the first time I've picked up on the magic castle and how it would ruin Cornelius. Maybe it was meant to be revealed now instead of earlier. It's absolutely genius. I'm impressed, as always.
One note, I think this could be phrased better: Gone before you get to know that out of the two of you would have sprung a far greater magic than Pidely-Poo's.
Comment Written 11-Jul-2021
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2021
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Thank you for your kindness and your suggestion. I'll have a closer look at it this evening. I tend to wax poetic with Cililla.
Comment from Bill Schott
What a scene! This is the height of emotions between the former self and the blossoming self who is trying so hard to keep Cornelius from sliding back into is childhood prison of unresolved feelngs which never see the light of day.
Looks like Cililla has persevered and defeated the seemingly evil former playmate.
Fantastic dialogue. Lots of character animation.
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2021
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What a scene! This is the height of emotions between the former self and the blossoming self who is trying so hard to keep Cornelius from sliding back into is childhood prison of unresolved feelngs which never see the light of day.
Looks like Cililla has persevered and defeated the seemingly evil former playmate.
Fantastic dialogue. Lots of character animation.
Comment Written 24-Jun-2021
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2021
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Thank you. Yes, I liked this scene myself. It had a bit of the Theater of the Absurd feel about it. But it definitely was a turning point. Unfortunately, it didn't set that well with a lot of my readers. Though I promoted it near the top far too few readers went for it. Thank you so much for the six stars.
Comment from Jasmine Girl
Wow. I like this fantasy world you have created and its conflicts. It seems to me that both Cililla and Pidely-Poo are competing Cornie's attention. They are both attracted to Cornie's music talent.
This is a very fun play and I can tell you are enjoying writing it. You should put it into a production sometimes.
Well done.
reply by the author on 19-Jun-2021
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Wow. I like this fantasy world you have created and its conflicts. It seems to me that both Cililla and Pidely-Poo are competing Cornie's attention. They are both attracted to Cornie's music talent.
This is a very fun play and I can tell you are enjoying writing it. You should put it into a production sometimes.
Well done.
Comment Written 19-Jun-2021
reply by the author on 19-Jun-2021
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Thank you so very much, Lisa. You are giving me more hope for my play. I'll be posting Scene 9 tomorrow, a shortie. I think you'll enjoy it.
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I'm looking forward to it.
Comment from Raffaelina Lowcock
This is Cornelius's goodbye to Piddly Poo. The past fantasy rivalled against the present fantasy Cililla. In truth when you examine the rhetoric produced in his mind, it is really a struggling conscience vying for his present situation which determines that the past must be left behind while he continues forth. You've developed a very complex person with much to overcome.
Ralf
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2021
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This is Cornelius's goodbye to Piddly Poo. The past fantasy rivalled against the present fantasy Cililla. In truth when you examine the rhetoric produced in his mind, it is really a struggling conscience vying for his present situation which determines that the past must be left behind while he continues forth. You've developed a very complex person with much to overcome.
Ralf
Comment Written 18-Jun-2021
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2021
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I am so happy, Ralf, that you took away so much from your reading ... and all of it was exactly as I hoped the reader would gather. Based on some of the reviews, some didn't seem to get it. They couldn't see the characters of Cililla and Pidely-Poo as mental constructs in Cornelius's mind.
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Thank you for confirming my thoughts, Jay. I appreciate that.
Ralf
Comment from Lobber
June 18, 2021
Hi Jay,
Some comments on format:
First:
I would not use boldface for the dialogue for various reasons -
.- it is the standard convention for most playwriting
.- it is hard to read...both for the Reader or Actor
.- it tends to )shout out(
.- it allows the writer to use boldface as a special tool when it may actually be needed in the dialogue(s) (as a guide for the actor or director)
I would change all stage directions to italics -
.- it is the standard convention for most playwriting
.- it makes the script easier to read......both for the Reader and Actor
.- you might consider indenting the directions and using a blank line as a spacer, both before and after. This offers a less bumpy read for Reader/Director/Actor
Next: I would asked for consistency in your script...it is not clear why you use the characters : ) [ ]s vs ( )s (
PIDELY- POO
(Stomping his foot...
[PIDLEY-POO starts...
Also, the last two dialogues of PIDLEY-POO need their )after ID( colon : marker.
Finally
Since a play is always in the )present) and the actors/directors use the script as a )how to do( manual vs )how we did it(, I would recommend that you change all the )Continued( directions to )Continuing(...perhaps a small point, but it makes the characters seem more alive.
Stay alive!
- Jerry
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2021
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June 18, 2021
Hi Jay,
Some comments on format:
First:
I would not use boldface for the dialogue for various reasons -
.- it is the standard convention for most playwriting
.- it is hard to read...both for the Reader or Actor
.- it tends to )shout out(
.- it allows the writer to use boldface as a special tool when it may actually be needed in the dialogue(s) (as a guide for the actor or director)
I would change all stage directions to italics -
.- it is the standard convention for most playwriting
.- it makes the script easier to read......both for the Reader and Actor
.- you might consider indenting the directions and using a blank line as a spacer, both before and after. This offers a less bumpy read for Reader/Director/Actor
Next: I would asked for consistency in your script...it is not clear why you use the characters : ) [ ]s vs ( )s (
PIDELY- POO
(Stomping his foot...
[PIDLEY-POO starts...
Also, the last two dialogues of PIDLEY-POO need their )after ID( colon : marker.
Finally
Since a play is always in the )present) and the actors/directors use the script as a )how to do( manual vs )how we did it(, I would recommend that you change all the )Continued( directions to )Continuing(...perhaps a small point, but it makes the characters seem more alive.
Stay alive!
- Jerry
Comment Written 18-Jun-2021
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2021
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That's the sort of thing, I'm looking for, Jerry. I'll need to look over them again to absorb your meaning more fully. I realized that I was violating most of the playwrighting strictures and that my play would be for reading only.
I'm linking you to my play of about 1 1/2 years ago. Only to show you that I was nearer to the model that you are talking about now. https://fanstory.com/displaystory.jsp?hd=1&id=831312. I'm not expecting you to read it, but only to catch a drift of the formatting of it, and some of the problems I had in its consistency. Fanstory is not the best place to format a play.
Meanwhile, thank you so much Jerry for lending me your experience in playwrighting. How valuable that is!
Jay
Comment from Father Flaps
Hi Jay,
I really enjoyed this scene. It must have been quite upsetting for Cornelius, though. Pidely-Poo and Cililla are battling it out inside his mind. It seems that Cililla won the joust, but only by causing Cornelius to look at Jennie Jax. He realizes that he loves her. In those moments when their eyes meet, Cornelius forgets Cililla. He doesn't even notice Pidely-Poo falling apart near the stage exit. The little begger tried his best, but lost... not so much to Cililla, but to Jennie Jax. I don't think we'll see Pidely-Poo again.
Underneath it all, you've done a good job of showing how a young fellow suddenly wakes up to the fairer sex when he reaches the age of 12 or 13. That's as magical as Pidely-Poo and the Island of Awm; as magical as Pidely-Poo fumbling with Cililla's panty line.
The idea of losing his ability to make music didn't seem to bother Cornelius as much as losing his chance with Jennie Jax. And they haven't even been the slightest intimate with each other yet.
You have also done a terrific job in portraying Pidely-Poo and Cililla. They actually seem more real than Cornelius, and yet they're all in his mind. I actually felt sorry for Pidely-Poo when he collapsed as he was crawling away. It was like feeling sorry for the villain, Darth Vader, as he was dying.
I think love and music is what will finally save Cornelius. But Cililla is going to have to step up her game now. She will help Cornelius to make those first tense steps toward Jennie Jax.
Terrific writing, Jay! You excel at screen-writing.
Keep up the good work!
Cheers,
Kimbob
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2021
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Hi Jay,
I really enjoyed this scene. It must have been quite upsetting for Cornelius, though. Pidely-Poo and Cililla are battling it out inside his mind. It seems that Cililla won the joust, but only by causing Cornelius to look at Jennie Jax. He realizes that he loves her. In those moments when their eyes meet, Cornelius forgets Cililla. He doesn't even notice Pidely-Poo falling apart near the stage exit. The little begger tried his best, but lost... not so much to Cililla, but to Jennie Jax. I don't think we'll see Pidely-Poo again.
Underneath it all, you've done a good job of showing how a young fellow suddenly wakes up to the fairer sex when he reaches the age of 12 or 13. That's as magical as Pidely-Poo and the Island of Awm; as magical as Pidely-Poo fumbling with Cililla's panty line.
The idea of losing his ability to make music didn't seem to bother Cornelius as much as losing his chance with Jennie Jax. And they haven't even been the slightest intimate with each other yet.
You have also done a terrific job in portraying Pidely-Poo and Cililla. They actually seem more real than Cornelius, and yet they're all in his mind. I actually felt sorry for Pidely-Poo when he collapsed as he was crawling away. It was like feeling sorry for the villain, Darth Vader, as he was dying.
I think love and music is what will finally save Cornelius. But Cililla is going to have to step up her game now. She will help Cornelius to make those first tense steps toward Jennie Jax.
Terrific writing, Jay! You excel at screen-writing.
Keep up the good work!
Cheers,
Kimbob
Comment Written 18-Jun-2021
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2021
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Once again, WWWWWow, Kimbob! I'm glad you stopped when you did. You were just about to enter into the next scene two days early. What a horrible spoiler alert that would be, you NOSTRADAMUS, YOU! Thank you, as usual, Kimbob, for your sage dissection. I'll see you next time, my friend, my prophet!
Comment from Dilettante junior
Dear Jay,
A little late but here I am back as promised.
What a treat you left! Honestly I believe this is script-writing at its best. There is so much to this new revelatory scene. Its essence is very deep. Feels like running through slices of an autistic mind, the specifiers definitely there: the hightened senses of Cornie, the particular aspect of verbal and non-verbal communication, the repetitive pseudo-seizures, the distinct set of strengths and challenges portrayed, his rich internal environment and his musical gift amongst others.
Also Cornie's stubborn adherence to his childhood is well presented in the ongoing battle between Pidely-Poo and Cililla Queez (a puzzling quiz, smiles), displayed as Cornie's court of conscience, debating whether he should grow up or not, highlighting another autistic trait- resistance to change.
Finally, I was really happy to see the Infinity symbol where we first met, when I somehow wrote about the way dichotomies dovetailed well at its cosmic core, to reflect the internal battle of Cornie's mind which ultimately leads to his growth.
There are so many secrets you left for us to go on an easter egg hunt in smart details throughout this script.
That reflects nothing but your gift dear friend and that is to say the least.
Well done really!
Oustanding.
Cheers,
DJ
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2021
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Dear Jay,
A little late but here I am back as promised.
What a treat you left! Honestly I believe this is script-writing at its best. There is so much to this new revelatory scene. Its essence is very deep. Feels like running through slices of an autistic mind, the specifiers definitely there: the hightened senses of Cornie, the particular aspect of verbal and non-verbal communication, the repetitive pseudo-seizures, the distinct set of strengths and challenges portrayed, his rich internal environment and his musical gift amongst others.
Also Cornie's stubborn adherence to his childhood is well presented in the ongoing battle between Pidely-Poo and Cililla Queez (a puzzling quiz, smiles), displayed as Cornie's court of conscience, debating whether he should grow up or not, highlighting another autistic trait- resistance to change.
Finally, I was really happy to see the Infinity symbol where we first met, when I somehow wrote about the way dichotomies dovetailed well at its cosmic core, to reflect the internal battle of Cornie's mind which ultimately leads to his growth.
There are so many secrets you left for us to go on an easter egg hunt in smart details throughout this script.
That reflects nothing but your gift dear friend and that is to say the least.
Well done really!
Oustanding.
Cheers,
DJ
Comment Written 17-Jun-2021
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2021
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What a beautiful way to wake up and begin my daily routine, Dear DJ. Your depth of knowledge ... how you find words for the unspoken, barely felt, is astounding. You home in on what I was trying so desperately to dredge metaphors to express through the three active characters in this scene. This is far and away the best review I've received for this play, and it couldn't have come at a better time. The dwindling number of reads over the last two scenes have been disheartening. Your name has been afixed to the tablet by my computer so I won't forget to nominate you for July's reviewer of the month. I only wish I could do it for this month. You represent what FanStory is supposed to be for. Thank you, my friend!
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Reading your script was my pleasure dear Jay. I believe it is one of a kind. I will certainly be waiting for the next scenes. It is a special script you've got here. Keep up the great work! Cheers, DJ
Comment from lyenochka
I'm not sure if Cornelius is suffering from autism or schizophrenia the way the Cililla and Pidely are fighting over him. I thought it was symbolic of his childhood and his future adolescence that was trying to gain control but it seems that possible connection with potential real love in the real world with Jennie Jax can save him.
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2021
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I'm not sure if Cornelius is suffering from autism or schizophrenia the way the Cililla and Pidely are fighting over him. I thought it was symbolic of his childhood and his future adolescence that was trying to gain control but it seems that possible connection with potential real love in the real world with Jennie Jax can save him.
Comment Written 17-Jun-2021
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2021
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You are a joy, Lyenochka. Thank you for reading this scene. You are the second person to mention the similarity to Schizophrenia. That is fascinating. I think we'll sync back to autism (or at least the spectra) next scene (Saturday night) when he and Jennie share their lunch time in the school yard. I think you'll like it. Once again, thank you so much for your enthusiastic loyalty.
Comment from Lana Marie
I think you for preparing a warm seat for me to sit back and say read through your work. It helped that you describe the characters at the beginning so that we would know who each person was real or imaginary. It would be really neat if there was a way to be able to go inside the mind of an autistic brain. And I don't mean anything rude by that. As I know several people who have children that are autistic. Everyone of them is so different and process life very uniquely. Well written and descriptive. The picture of the boy is very handsome. I worked with youth for many years and there was a boy in there that did not graduate out of the youth program for several years as other kids would come and go. He was a joy to be around. I do remember his thoughts were changing when he would start noticing the girls during his beginnings of puberty. I haven't read any of your other story, but the segment was well written.
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2021
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I think you for preparing a warm seat for me to sit back and say read through your work. It helped that you describe the characters at the beginning so that we would know who each person was real or imaginary. It would be really neat if there was a way to be able to go inside the mind of an autistic brain. And I don't mean anything rude by that. As I know several people who have children that are autistic. Everyone of them is so different and process life very uniquely. Well written and descriptive. The picture of the boy is very handsome. I worked with youth for many years and there was a boy in there that did not graduate out of the youth program for several years as other kids would come and go. He was a joy to be around. I do remember his thoughts were changing when he would start noticing the girls during his beginnings of puberty. I haven't read any of your other story, but the segment was well written.
Comment Written 17-Jun-2021
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2021
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First of all, thank you so much for your kind review. It sounds like you read it with genuine interest in the characters. and that makes me feel good. I have spent a lot of time (about 5-10 hours per scene) developing the storyline trajectory and the constancy of the characters. So it's good to know it's appreciated.
I hope you got to this before the promotion ended. You did, didn't you? Saturday, at 9 PM LA time, I will post the next scene. I promise you it will be shorter than this one. And I hope it will be touching.
Anyway, again, thank you, thank you, thank you!
Comment from Katherine M. (k-11)
I can't remember what I wrote last time, but I remember feeling distressed at the joint presence of Cililla and Pidely... however this was a tour de force of the battle between the two stages of life that I would not hve missed for anything. I am glad Cornelius found enough strength to move on fully into the world of Cililla and watched with glee the collapse of Pidely - hopefully the end of him.
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2021
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I can't remember what I wrote last time, but I remember feeling distressed at the joint presence of Cililla and Pidely... however this was a tour de force of the battle between the two stages of life that I would not hve missed for anything. I am glad Cornelius found enough strength to move on fully into the world of Cililla and watched with glee the collapse of Pidely - hopefully the end of him.
Comment Written 15-Jun-2021
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2021
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Such an encouraging and uplifting review, Katherine. You hit on my intent throughout in the worlds of Cornelius, Cililla and Pidely-Poo. Strange, Pidely didn't start out such a villain. He really performed an important function in Cornelius's really young life, but he didn't know how to let go (or, Cornelius didn't know how to let go of that part of his mind and development.
Thank you for seeing all that as the play grew. And for the encouragement of a 6 star rating! You are appreciated.