The silent City
Buildings beneath the sea.10 total reviews
Comment from patcelaw
This is a very good story for the contest and I wish you the best in 6the contest. May your weekend be blessed with good things.
Patricia
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2021
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This is a very good story for the contest and I wish you the best in 6the contest. May your weekend be blessed with good things.
Patricia
Comment Written 11-Jun-2021
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2021
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Hello Patricia, How are you? Winter here. I had a lovely Saturday. My carer took me to the seaside markets. Hope you get out and about some days. Glad you liked my story. Blessings and love, Kay XX
Comment from Sugarray77
Wow, great story and so very imaginative. I could feel the creepiness of the underwater building and the eeriness of the history surrounding it. You did a fantastic job with this... I would mention that there is a disjointed phrase...second paragraph.. a slimy a film stared back at me... a bit confusing. Great job and I wish you luck, my friend.
Melissa
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2021
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Wow, great story and so very imaginative. I could feel the creepiness of the underwater building and the eeriness of the history surrounding it. You did a fantastic job with this... I would mention that there is a disjointed phrase...second paragraph.. a slimy a film stared back at me... a bit confusing. Great job and I wish you luck, my friend.
Melissa
Comment Written 10-Jun-2021
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2021
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Hi Melissa, Thanks for reading and glad you enjoyed. Blessings, K xx
Comment from June Sargent
This was a great story for the contest! Hooked me in right from the start. Is there actually a sunken city in your area? We have several cities here that were inundated in the 1930's to create a reseroir. There are actual buildings beneath the water - just like the ones in your story. I love the suspense of finding and opening that box with the coins. This would make a great mystery novel! Great job.
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2021
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This was a great story for the contest! Hooked me in right from the start. Is there actually a sunken city in your area? We have several cities here that were inundated in the 1930's to create a reseroir. There are actual buildings beneath the water - just like the ones in your story. I love the suspense of finding and opening that box with the coins. This would make a great mystery novel! Great job.
Comment Written 10-Jun-2021
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2021
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Hi June, I roughly based this on a sunken city in England many moons ago. I'm glad you enjoyed my friend. Love, Kay X
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
I liked this piece. It's a pretty inventive use of the opening line which hopefully will set it apart. it's not something which would have struck me. nice job with that.
Good, solid tone to the piece. I enjoyed the little misdirection with Jimbo in the boat, fearing something much worse.
A couple of things I jotted down whilst reading through.
The only sound were the air bubbles from my tanks. I could vaguely hear the roaring waves above the sunken city.- the two descriptions here appear to be contradictory. if the only sound was from the tank bubbles, you wouldn't hear the waves.
a slimy a film stared back at me. - delete the 'a' from between slimy and film.
"What had happened in this place?" I asked my self. - myself can be a single word here.
and a gas stove lay on it's side. - its side (no apostrophe for possession).
So eerie, all the teller's stalls still standing, - in this instance it would be tellers' as it's plural.
Obviously a good safe, almost airtight. - I would remove almost from here. After 3 years, it would be flooded if only almost airtight.
Best of luck to you in the judging.
GMG
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2021
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Hi there,
I liked this piece. It's a pretty inventive use of the opening line which hopefully will set it apart. it's not something which would have struck me. nice job with that.
Good, solid tone to the piece. I enjoyed the little misdirection with Jimbo in the boat, fearing something much worse.
A couple of things I jotted down whilst reading through.
The only sound were the air bubbles from my tanks. I could vaguely hear the roaring waves above the sunken city.- the two descriptions here appear to be contradictory. if the only sound was from the tank bubbles, you wouldn't hear the waves.
a slimy a film stared back at me. - delete the 'a' from between slimy and film.
"What had happened in this place?" I asked my self. - myself can be a single word here.
and a gas stove lay on it's side. - its side (no apostrophe for possession).
So eerie, all the teller's stalls still standing, - in this instance it would be tellers' as it's plural.
Obviously a good safe, almost airtight. - I would remove almost from here. After 3 years, it would be flooded if only almost airtight.
Best of luck to you in the judging.
GMG
Comment Written 10-Jun-2021
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2021
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Hello friend, I didn't want to write about a Covid mask! We have it in our face all the time, on radio and TV. I thank you for the edits, much appreciated I know you are a top writer. Bless you, Kay XX
Comment from Wendy G
Well written story for the competition. You have shown imagination - and courage in thinking through your plot. I was feeling your fear with you. Best wishes for the contest.
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2021
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Well written story for the competition. You have shown imagination - and courage in thinking through your plot. I was feeling your fear with you. Best wishes for the contest.
Comment Written 09-Jun-2021
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2021
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Hello Wendy, Thanks so much for reading. Brass monkey weather here. Love, Kay.
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Here, very cold. I went to visit friends at Blaxland and it reached a maximum of 6 degrees, and at home maximum of 8!
Comment from mermaids
I enjoyed this underwater adventure. It reads like a mini movie. There is a feeling of suspense as I could feel what the diver was going through in the buildings. This is well written, excellent character development, and a story that holds the reader's interest.
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2021
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I enjoyed this underwater adventure. It reads like a mini movie. There is a feeling of suspense as I could feel what the diver was going through in the buildings. This is well written, excellent character development, and a story that holds the reader's interest.
Comment Written 09-Jun-2021
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2021
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Thank you Elaine. So glad you enjoyed. I didn't want to write about a covid mask entering a building! Love, Kay.
Comment from Janetsue
This is such an exciting story, Kay. I truly enjoyed reading it. I used to go diving in the Caribbean in my salad days (as they say) and can relate to the mood of your piece very well. (I never found any treasure, though lol) I think you did an exceptional job and wish you well in the contest! xo Janet
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2021
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This is such an exciting story, Kay. I truly enjoyed reading it. I used to go diving in the Caribbean in my salad days (as they say) and can relate to the mood of your piece very well. (I never found any treasure, though lol) I think you did an exceptional job and wish you well in the contest! xo Janet
Comment Written 09-Jun-2021
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2021
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Hello Janet, Thanks so much, you would have got the feel of being a diver. If you were in your salad days, what are you in now? Love, K XX
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I have reached the sipping tea in a rocking chair stage. lol
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Hee, Hee.
Comment from aryr
Wow, what a great entry to the This Sentence Starts The Story contest. It maintains a sense of suspense deep within the depths of the water. I really enjoyed the mystery as it seemed to billed. Poor Jimbo through all the trials and tribulations he stuck threw to the job. Very well done and immensely enjoyed.
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2021
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Wow, what a great entry to the This Sentence Starts The Story contest. It maintains a sense of suspense deep within the depths of the water. I really enjoyed the mystery as it seemed to billed. Poor Jimbo through all the trials and tribulations he stuck threw to the job. Very well done and immensely enjoyed.
Comment Written 09-Jun-2021
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2021
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Hello Alie, Thanks so much for your review, glad you enjoyed. Love, Kay.
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Most welcome my friend.
Comment from RodG
Immediately you hooked my interest because of the SETTING, a sunken city buried by waters of a dam. The creepy suspense of swimming among the dead kept me reading. And finding treasure in a submerged bank would be exciting. Well told.
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2021
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Immediately you hooked my interest because of the SETTING, a sunken city buried by waters of a dam. The creepy suspense of swimming among the dead kept me reading. And finding treasure in a submerged bank would be exciting. Well told.
Comment Written 09-Jun-2021
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2021
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Hi RodG, I didn't want to write about a covid mask entering a building! I thought this would be more interesting. Glad you enjoyed. Blessings, Kay.
Comment from Susan Newell
I like the improvements. It is now more believable. Good job.
This is a very creative response to the prompt, and the story line in general is excellent. However, problems with details prevent me from giving it a five. I can take one giant leap of faith that the government would flood a seashore town, though I can't imagine why. The corpse swinging from the cord isn't believable. After three years in the sea, it would have been eaten. The vault was completely airtight, or there would have been no "whoosh." I don't think any paper money would have been left in the vault. Safe deposit boxes usually require two keys (bank's and customer's) to open the outside compartment door and remove the inner box. Anyway, it's these kinds of things that pull the story down. I can't remember whether or not this contest had a word limit, but I'm sure the story could be improved with the addition of some backstory about why the uncle left the money in the vault, and fixing some of the inconsistencies and inaccuracies. Like I said earlier, the basic storyline is great. It just needs to have more credibility in details.
Notes:
only sound were the air bubbles from my tanks. ==> sounds were
a slimy a film stared -- extra "a"
as I swum ==> swam
and the last numbers seven ==> number, seven,
jewellery ==> jewelry
you can haul the safe up." -- later you talk about just an individual safe deposit box
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2021
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I like the improvements. It is now more believable. Good job.
This is a very creative response to the prompt, and the story line in general is excellent. However, problems with details prevent me from giving it a five. I can take one giant leap of faith that the government would flood a seashore town, though I can't imagine why. The corpse swinging from the cord isn't believable. After three years in the sea, it would have been eaten. The vault was completely airtight, or there would have been no "whoosh." I don't think any paper money would have been left in the vault. Safe deposit boxes usually require two keys (bank's and customer's) to open the outside compartment door and remove the inner box. Anyway, it's these kinds of things that pull the story down. I can't remember whether or not this contest had a word limit, but I'm sure the story could be improved with the addition of some backstory about why the uncle left the money in the vault, and fixing some of the inconsistencies and inaccuracies. Like I said earlier, the basic storyline is great. It just needs to have more credibility in details.
Notes:
only sound were the air bubbles from my tanks. ==> sounds were
a slimy a film stared -- extra "a"
as I swum ==> swam
and the last numbers seven ==> number, seven,
jewellery ==> jewelry
you can haul the safe up." -- later you talk about just an individual safe deposit box
Comment Written 09-Jun-2021
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2021
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OK gotcha. I just sat down and wrote it. I see the mistakes and will fix them. Thank you friend. Blessings, K XX
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Let me know when you've done some more work on it. I'll want to read and review again.
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I have edited this and would appreciate your looking at it again? Thank you (we spell jewellery this way. K XX
