Night Birds Sing
Possibilities for my personal growth32 total reviews
Comment from Ulla
Hi Jesse, this is just so beautifully rendered. I was there with you ans night turned into day and the sounds of the dawn got louder and louder. I loved. It's very well written. Ulla:)))
reply by the author on 08-Jun-2021
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Hi Jesse, this is just so beautifully rendered. I was there with you ans night turned into day and the sounds of the dawn got louder and louder. I loved. It's very well written. Ulla:)))
Comment Written 07-Jun-2021
reply by the author on 08-Jun-2021
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Hello Ulla. I am glad this resonated with you and that you loved the description of the sounds and sights of the new day arriving. Your kind words are very appreciated.
Have a wonderful rest of your week,
Jesse
Comment from Gloria ....
This is so beautifully rendered, Jesse. Your reader can hear all the sounds of morning coming back to life with the birds, and cars. Hope fills each word with possibilities of good things to come.
And yes to be able to put toes in the beach's sand is a large measure of that.
Great job with this. I truly am enjoying your prose which keeps getting better each posting. :)
Gloria
reply by the author on 08-Jun-2021
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This is so beautifully rendered, Jesse. Your reader can hear all the sounds of morning coming back to life with the birds, and cars. Hope fills each word with possibilities of good things to come.
And yes to be able to put toes in the beach's sand is a large measure of that.
Great job with this. I truly am enjoying your prose which keeps getting better each posting. :)
Gloria
Comment Written 07-Jun-2021
reply by the author on 08-Jun-2021
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Hello Gloria. I am honored by your kind words and your wonderfully descriptive review of my prose. I am glad you enjoyed this, and I hope you are right about me getting better with each post.
Have a great day,
Jesse
Comment from tfawcus
You have captured something of the sense of reverential awe that this pre-dawn time brings, with the gradual awakening of the day, from the first hesitant piping to the full glory of the dawn chorus, The expression 'night birds' is so cleverly coined to suggest how the restlessness of dreams and self-doubt transition into the eternal sense of hope the new day brings,
I have tried to capture it once or twice in poems, but it is an elusive and transient thing, hard to pin down in words. A few years ago, I wrote this poem in an attempt to capture something of the atmosphere: https://fanstory.com/displaystory.jsp?id=813446
reply by the author on 08-Jun-2021
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You have captured something of the sense of reverential awe that this pre-dawn time brings, with the gradual awakening of the day, from the first hesitant piping to the full glory of the dawn chorus, The expression 'night birds' is so cleverly coined to suggest how the restlessness of dreams and self-doubt transition into the eternal sense of hope the new day brings,
I have tried to capture it once or twice in poems, but it is an elusive and transient thing, hard to pin down in words. A few years ago, I wrote this poem in an attempt to capture something of the atmosphere: https://fanstory.com/displaystory.jsp?id=813446
Comment Written 07-Jun-2021
reply by the author on 08-Jun-2021
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Hello Tony. I am so thankful for you reviewing me. I keep trying to figure what to say to express my amazement at your wonderful review but, I am beyond words to describe how I feel. I find your descriptions of my piece excellent in their portrayal of how deeply moving your reaction was.
That it is thrilling to receive an exceptional rating from you...no doubt about it.
Thank you and have a beautiful day,
Jesse
Comment from Gypsy Blue Rose
Night Birds Sing
by Jesse James Doty
Nice expression of your possibilities for my personal growth. It's good to have personal goals. I broke my ankle once and I realized how much I took walking for granted.
"At 5 am I hear the first night bird sing." If it's 5 am, it shouldn't be the first night bird ...it should be the last, right?
Well done my friend.
Extra Gypsy hugs
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2021
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Night Birds Sing
by Jesse James Doty
Nice expression of your possibilities for my personal growth. It's good to have personal goals. I broke my ankle once and I realized how much I took walking for granted.
"At 5 am I hear the first night bird sing." If it's 5 am, it shouldn't be the first night bird ...it should be the last, right?
Well done my friend.
Extra Gypsy hugs
Comment Written 07-Jun-2021
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2021
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Thank you, Gypsy, for your interesting review. I am sorry you broke your ankle. When something like that happens, it does give you a new perspective on life.
As far as the suggestion you have is concerned, it is the first singing of the night bird and not the last. I am not defending my piece...just explaining it to you.
Thank you for your kind words and the excellent rating, my friend.
Have a good afternoon,
Jesse
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Now I see what you mean.
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Good, I'm glad.
Jesse
Comment from Mrs. KT
Hello Jesse!
I, too, love to witness a new day's sunrise and listen to the birds as they greet the day.
Your writing resonates with me for my eyesight is none too sharp, and I know I rely more and more on my other senses to appreciate the world around me.
Please consider editing following:
Then, one after another joins in. Until the day breaks and other birds add their tunes and fill the morning with song and revelry.
to
Then, one after another joins in until the day breaks and other birds add their tunes and fill the morning with song and revelry.
As is, the line that begins with "Until the..." is a fragment, so it needs to be joined to the independent clause that precedes it.
Beautiful imagery!
Thank you for sharing!
diane
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2021
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Hello Jesse!
I, too, love to witness a new day's sunrise and listen to the birds as they greet the day.
Your writing resonates with me for my eyesight is none too sharp, and I know I rely more and more on my other senses to appreciate the world around me.
Please consider editing following:
Then, one after another joins in. Until the day breaks and other birds add their tunes and fill the morning with song and revelry.
to
Then, one after another joins in until the day breaks and other birds add their tunes and fill the morning with song and revelry.
As is, the line that begins with "Until the..." is a fragment, so it needs to be joined to the independent clause that precedes it.
Beautiful imagery!
Thank you for sharing!
diane
Comment Written 06-Jun-2021
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2021
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Hello Diane! Thanks for the helpful suggestion! I have already edited it to your suggestion...I thought I would do it before I answered your wonderful review.
I have never formally learned Grammar, and just wing it, as I have all of these years. I pick up helpful ideas from friendly folks like you. I would love to learn more about Grammar...if you have the time and inclination. Please, don't feel any pressure...I would love it if you could help me. Anyway, thanks for the help and
have a nice day,
Jesse
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My pleasure, Jesse!
I'd say you are "winging it" just fine, but should you ever have any questions, I would love to be of assistance.
Take Care!
diane
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Great...I will!
Have a good evening, my friend,
Jesse
Comment from Mike Stevens
Another fine write, Jesse--and I understand about your wants; I share the same one, to improve. Most times it gets you down, but no matter what, keep doing all you can to reach your goals. I wish you ultimate success
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2021
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Another fine write, Jesse--and I understand about your wants; I share the same one, to improve. Most times it gets you down, but no matter what, keep doing all you can to reach your goals. I wish you ultimate success
Comment Written 06-Jun-2021
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2021
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Thank you, Mike, for your encouraging review. I think everyone wants to achieve ultimate success in their goals of improvement. So, your wish is granted, my friend.
Thanks for your kind comments and your excellent rating.
Have a great day,
Jesse
Comment from nancy_e_davis
This is very inspirational. I am running out of steam and have a tendency to give in to my negative thoughts about my circumstances. I am losing both eyesight and hearing. Tire when I try to walk around. I am tied to the oxygen compensator and get caught on anything handy when I do walk around the house. Good Job, J.J. Nancy:)
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2021
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This is very inspirational. I am running out of steam and have a tendency to give in to my negative thoughts about my circumstances. I am losing both eyesight and hearing. Tire when I try to walk around. I am tied to the oxygen compensator and get caught on anything handy when I do walk around the house. Good Job, J.J. Nancy:)
Comment Written 06-Jun-2021
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2021
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Hello Nancy. I feel for you, my friend! Your situation sounds dire, and I wish I could come there and comfort you somehow. I am glad I inspired you, and I thank you for your kind words.
Wrap yourself in comforting thoughts coming from me.
Take care of yourself,
Jesse
Comment from Ric Myworld
Jessie, my friend, you've certainly put a lot of people to thinking about about those early morning hours as the whole world awakens to a new day. Having been up and out by 3:15 to 3:30 in the morning for most of my life, I can relate to everything you have shared. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2021
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Jessie, my friend, you've certainly put a lot of people to thinking about about those early morning hours as the whole world awakens to a new day. Having been up and out by 3:15 to 3:30 in the morning for most of my life, I can relate to everything you have shared. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 06-Jun-2021
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2021
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Another early riser! Yea! I personally do my best writing in the middle of the night. Or, in the wee hours of the morning, which is the time I wrote about, in my piece.
I am glad this resonates with you, my friend. Thanks for the excellent review.
Have a good evening,
Jesse
Comment from Leann DS
Your poem is great! You have such a positive attitude that is an inspiration to anyone who reads your words. Thank you so much for sharing this. You have given me a reminder to be grateful and to never give up. Thank you. Hugs and blessings.
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2021
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Your poem is great! You have such a positive attitude that is an inspiration to anyone who reads your words. Thank you so much for sharing this. You have given me a reminder to be grateful and to never give up. Thank you. Hugs and blessings.
Comment Written 06-Jun-2021
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2021
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Hello, Leann. Pardon me, for being late, with my reply. I love your positive attitude and, you give an excellent review, so I don't know why I took so long. I am glad I gave a reminder to be grateful and never give up. I appreciate the hugs and blessings very much.
Have a lovely evening,
Jesse
Comment from rama devi
Glorious morning! This translates your rapturous feelings so the reader feels the dawn's inspiration too. I envision you walking down paths of redwood forests and along the coastal beaches as well. Hope things continue to improve for you, dear Jesse.
The voicing is sincere and clear. Just a few spag suggestions to note:
*
At 5 am(,) I hear the first nightbird sing.
* Then, one after another joins in. Until the day breaks and other birds add their tunes and fill the morning with song and revelry.
Then, one after another joins in, until the day breaks and other birds add their tunes and fill the morning with song and revelry.
*
Soon after daybreak, the crows and ravens begin their caws, and croaks, as the morning tule fog rolls in from the hills of Humboldt County.
(remove commas in the caws and croaks section:
Soon after daybreak, the crows and ravens begin their caws and croaks as the morning tule fog rolls in from the hills of Humboldt County.
*
As I begin my morning routine, I realize how grateful I am for my keen hearing that makes up for my declining eyesight.
Please read this line aloud and notice how it repeats "I" three times and is slightly wordy. Here is a sample edit with trimming and tightening:
Beginning my morning routine, I feel grateful for my keen hearing, which makes up for my declining eyesight.
Please read both versions aloud to decide which you prefer.
*I hope to get out of this wheelchair soon, and walk with a walker and then, hopefully, with my already purchased, Walking Sticks.
This one can use a slight rearrangement in sentence mechanics for pacing flow and also not to repeat AND twice:
I hope to get out of this wheelchair, walk with a walker soon. Then, hopefully, I'll use my already-purchased Walking Sticks.
I love the closing note.
One suggestion (optional) to replace the word WALK with a descriptive verb just to not repeat the word used in previous sentences):
I look forward to the day when I can walk unaided along nature trails and put my toes in the sand of a nearby beach.
I look forward to the day when I can amble unaided along nature trails and put my toes in the sand of a nearby beach.
I like AMBLE there for the meaning as well as the alliterative effect. Just a thought.
I enjoyed reading this positive, upbeat and inspirational short vignette.
Blessings,
rd
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2021
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Glorious morning! This translates your rapturous feelings so the reader feels the dawn's inspiration too. I envision you walking down paths of redwood forests and along the coastal beaches as well. Hope things continue to improve for you, dear Jesse.
The voicing is sincere and clear. Just a few spag suggestions to note:
*
At 5 am(,) I hear the first nightbird sing.
* Then, one after another joins in. Until the day breaks and other birds add their tunes and fill the morning with song and revelry.
Then, one after another joins in, until the day breaks and other birds add their tunes and fill the morning with song and revelry.
*
Soon after daybreak, the crows and ravens begin their caws, and croaks, as the morning tule fog rolls in from the hills of Humboldt County.
(remove commas in the caws and croaks section:
Soon after daybreak, the crows and ravens begin their caws and croaks as the morning tule fog rolls in from the hills of Humboldt County.
*
As I begin my morning routine, I realize how grateful I am for my keen hearing that makes up for my declining eyesight.
Please read this line aloud and notice how it repeats "I" three times and is slightly wordy. Here is a sample edit with trimming and tightening:
Beginning my morning routine, I feel grateful for my keen hearing, which makes up for my declining eyesight.
Please read both versions aloud to decide which you prefer.
*I hope to get out of this wheelchair soon, and walk with a walker and then, hopefully, with my already purchased, Walking Sticks.
This one can use a slight rearrangement in sentence mechanics for pacing flow and also not to repeat AND twice:
I hope to get out of this wheelchair, walk with a walker soon. Then, hopefully, I'll use my already-purchased Walking Sticks.
I love the closing note.
One suggestion (optional) to replace the word WALK with a descriptive verb just to not repeat the word used in previous sentences):
I look forward to the day when I can walk unaided along nature trails and put my toes in the sand of a nearby beach.
I look forward to the day when I can amble unaided along nature trails and put my toes in the sand of a nearby beach.
I like AMBLE there for the meaning as well as the alliterative effect. Just a thought.
I enjoyed reading this positive, upbeat and inspirational short vignette.
Blessings,
rd
Comment Written 06-Jun-2021
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2021
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Hi Rama. I've been postponing my reply to your review to think about what I was going to say.
At first, when I posted this, I had reviews that loved it and suggested one revision, which I kindly accepted, and mostly, I edited it to their suggested idea.
After a few revisions, everyone but you loved it and gave me six stars or other kind words of praise for a job well done.
When it comes to your review, you offer so many revisions that, if I even did most of them, the prose wouldn't be mine anymore.
I hope you will understand when I tell you that I am going to pass on your suggestions. Thank you for the five-star rating and, have a great day.
Jesse
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Wow, Jesse, I'm immensely surprised by your response. My suggestions relate to grammar and punctuation, mostly, so they are corrections rather than rewrites.
I also noted praises as well as spag suggestions. I wish you would not take constructive critique as negative. After all these years, and so much editing work together, it surprises me greatly that you took offense at my review. Most people on Fanstory only offer praises and don't take the time to critique.
Reminder of my praises:
This translates your rapturous feelings so the reader feels the dawn's inspiration too. I envision you walking down paths of redwood forests and along the coastal beaches as well.
and
I love the closing note.
and
I enjoyed reading this positive, upbeat and inspirational short vignette.
That's a lot of praise you seemed not to notice...?
I'd like to further point out that I made ONE suggestion to use an alternative verb, which is optional, and that would be your choice, so still your own words . I simply offered an example word. The others are corrections based on spag rules and do not alter your actual words.
I know we are not supposed to defend out reviews, but due to our friendship, I felt it important to clarify, especially since you misunderstood my intent to be helpful.
Blessings! Sending positive energy your way, as always.
rd
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Hi Rama.
I am aware your intent was to be helpful...I just felt overwhelmed as I read your suggestions, one after another, line after line, screen after screen. I also know that others were impressed with my work and, although you gave many praises, I didn't want to go there with all your suggestions...spags, or otherwise.
Please understand my position!
I am under stress. I tore my knee up pretty bad, and I may have to have knee surgery before I can have the lower back surgery I have been waiting for months. I am doing Physical Therapy, but that has exasperated the situation further.
My new friend hasn't visited me in a while, and I feel all alone, with no one to turn to.
I hope we can continue our friendship.
I receive your positive energy and blessings and, send them back to you, my friend.
Take care,
Jesse
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So sorry to hear about your knee and lower back. Sending healing thoughts. Of course we can continue our friendship--that is forever, Jesse. I always wish you the best.
Just want to mention: when I review any person, I go line by line (just as I do professionally) and take the time to be as helpful as possible with an aim to be kind and selfless, so sometimes it stings when people interpret that as being the opposite of kind! I do understand, though, especially when you've been pleased by many sixes. The problem with Fanstory is that almost everyone gives high ratings and high praises, which is encouraging but won't help those who wish to improve in the craft and to eventually publish. It's nice, socially, and I have nothing against it for those who wish that style of sharing...but it's one of the reasons I no longer invest so much time here...aside from being busy with other things. I do visit to review on occasion, but only a few a week...
So if I miss any future posts, please do not take it personally, as I don't see all posts in my inbox.
My friendship is always there for you.
Blessings and tons of positive light-vibes!
Hugs,
rd
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Thanks for understanding, Rama.
When I review someone, I usually give encouragement, along with only one or two suggestions. If I have many more suggestions, I usually pass on reviewing the post.
That is just me, and my personal use of the role of reviewer.
Hugs and positive vibes to you as well, my friend!
Jesse
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Thanks for your kind words and positive vibes and hugs. Sending the same. I understand what you mean. I often do the same if it is a new person and I'm unsure how they will respond to constructive critique, but when it is a friend and editing client with whom I've worked for years, I never hesitate to offer my full editing service for free when reviewing work on FS. It's a compliment, my friend--not an insult--in that context!
Warmly,
rd
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I understand what you are saying, and I appreciate it but, I would still like it as I give it...in small quantities.
At this point in my life, I can only handle so many suggestions, or edits, before I get overwhelmed.
I'm sorry to disappoint you, my friend.
Take care,
Jesse
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NO worries...I appreciate your frankness. You have not disappointed me. No apology required!
Best,
rd
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Cool! Thank you so much for understanding.
Have a great day,
Jesse
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You too! :)
