The Chronicals Of Bethica: The Rise
Viewing comments for Chapter 6 "The Chronicles Of Bethica"Abram must defeat a deadly humanoid race of beings
12 total reviews
Comment from Ric Myworld
Well, darned if it doesn't look like Gangus understands how easily Brutus could have fallen under Behira's spell of controlled manipulation. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2021
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Well, darned if it doesn't look like Gangus understands how easily Brutus could have fallen under Behira's spell of controlled manipulation. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 13-Jul-2021
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2021
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Thank you for reading and reviewing.
Comment from Lulube
What an intense, confusing write with all the characters, as in your notes. How do you keep them all strauight. This section was not confusing for the two characters. Well, written in the dialogue, showed the purity in their characters and love for each other. Interesting read.
lulube
reply by the author on 08-Jun-2021
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What an intense, confusing write with all the characters, as in your notes. How do you keep them all strauight. This section was not confusing for the two characters. Well, written in the dialogue, showed the purity in their characters and love for each other. Interesting read.
lulube
Comment Written 08-Jun-2021
reply by the author on 08-Jun-2021
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Thank you so much for your review. Those other listed characters will only be mentioned in other chapters.
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welcome
lulube
Comment from justafan
Some may like the breaking into Part 1 and so on but lawd have mercy not me. I am so hooked on this story I read it too fast and I have to wait for the next installment. :)
I agree with Jay Squires, this is some of the best writing I have seen on here.
Now...get back to work, I'm hungry for more!! lol
Always
Justafan of yours
Missy
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2021
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Some may like the breaking into Part 1 and so on but lawd have mercy not me. I am so hooked on this story I read it too fast and I have to wait for the next installment. :)
I agree with Jay Squires, this is some of the best writing I have seen on here.
Now...get back to work, I'm hungry for more!! lol
Always
Justafan of yours
Missy
Comment Written 07-Jun-2021
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2021
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Ah, thank you, you've made my day. A couple of reviewers had said it was too long, so I tried to appease them, but the ones who complained have yet to read the part one version. So, I'm not sure what to do. lol
But thank you so much for reading, reviewing and so many stars.
Blessings
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Do you sweetie. Let me know when you publish this book because I want to REALLY BOOKCASE it. :)
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Thank you so much. I will contact you when it's published.
Comment from forestport12
Hey Amar...I love your style. I'm not a sci-fi guy, but I also know and respect a C.S. Lewis writer. I can see you have taken a page from his book. I love your engaging style and how you used dialogue in this chapter to reveal the characters and making them feel plausible and real. Best wishes.... And blessings around the bookends.
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2021
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Hey Amar...I love your style. I'm not a sci-fi guy, but I also know and respect a C.S. Lewis writer. I can see you have taken a page from his book. I love your engaging style and how you used dialogue in this chapter to reveal the characters and making them feel plausible and real. Best wishes.... And blessings around the bookends.
Comment Written 06-Jun-2021
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2021
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C. S. Lewis? You are too kind. "Smile" Thank you so much for your review. And blessings to you also.
Comment from lancellot
A very well written chapter. And yes, it would have worked. Men can be simpletons when I woman screams assault. That white knight effect takes hold.
notes:
["]But, Bree hira...we would have butchered an innocent man."
- add
His shoulders shook again.(")
- delete
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2021
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A very well written chapter. And yes, it would have worked. Men can be simpletons when I woman screams assault. That white knight effect takes hold.
notes:
["]But, Bree hira...we would have butchered an innocent man."
- add
His shoulders shook again.(")
- delete
Comment Written 06-Jun-2021
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2021
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Thank you so much. I made those corrections.
Comment from Jay Squires
I can only chide you for one thing: Why did you have to be so impatient and couldn't wait until the bewitching hour when the pentacle-fairy slips 6 more beauties under each of a hundred thousand pillows? This chapter is one of the best pieces of writing I've seen on FanStory!
I hate to make you suffer through the only sentence that made me pause in my journey to the end of a stunning chapter.
He tilted his head to one side and a half-smile spread across his face. [After what has been a textbook lesson on how to write, I have to seize upon this sentence. I'm sorry, but I have trouble with a half-smile spreading across his face. A whole smile--yes, certainly. A half-smile paints a grotesque picture in my imagination. Sorry, dear. A half-smile would spread across only half his face, and would produce a rictus.]
In lieu of a 6 star reward, I'm tossing a leprechaun dropping your way.
Blessings,
Jay
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2021
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I can only chide you for one thing: Why did you have to be so impatient and couldn't wait until the bewitching hour when the pentacle-fairy slips 6 more beauties under each of a hundred thousand pillows? This chapter is one of the best pieces of writing I've seen on FanStory!
I hate to make you suffer through the only sentence that made me pause in my journey to the end of a stunning chapter.
He tilted his head to one side and a half-smile spread across his face. [After what has been a textbook lesson on how to write, I have to seize upon this sentence. I'm sorry, but I have trouble with a half-smile spreading across his face. A whole smile--yes, certainly. A half-smile paints a grotesque picture in my imagination. Sorry, dear. A half-smile would spread across only half his face, and would produce a rictus.]
In lieu of a 6 star reward, I'm tossing a leprechaun dropping your way.
Blessings,
Jay
Comment Written 05-Jun-2021
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2021
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lol Thanks, Jay. A full smile involves a flash of teeth and half smile is no teeth but not a smirk.
Comment from duaneculbertson
Amahra,
I enjoyed your initial blocking of the scene. I could picture that vixen combing out her hair as she delayed answering his questions.
You reveal her character very well. I kind of like her, but she seems pretty ruthless and mercenary. When the captain showed integrity to resist the bribe, she threatened to fake a rape assault? Is that what is implied? Pretty wild! This woman seems eager to run hot and cold, perhaps even a desperate person.
The dialogue was convincing. I feel that some situations call for the adage "less is more" - and you do that well here.
Ex: "Gems...you offered him your jewels?"
"Yes," she said her eyes downcast.
"How many jewels?"
"Not many."
I would even eliminate "jewels" from the question: How may jewels? - since the man wants to know the answer immediately.
It seems a little unrealistic that she would pretend she could not remember if she offered two or three necklaces, but maybe you are just showing she is so cavalier about the whole thing.
Best,
Dave
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2021
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Amahra,
I enjoyed your initial blocking of the scene. I could picture that vixen combing out her hair as she delayed answering his questions.
You reveal her character very well. I kind of like her, but she seems pretty ruthless and mercenary. When the captain showed integrity to resist the bribe, she threatened to fake a rape assault? Is that what is implied? Pretty wild! This woman seems eager to run hot and cold, perhaps even a desperate person.
The dialogue was convincing. I feel that some situations call for the adage "less is more" - and you do that well here.
Ex: "Gems...you offered him your jewels?"
"Yes," she said her eyes downcast.
"How many jewels?"
"Not many."
I would even eliminate "jewels" from the question: How may jewels? - since the man wants to know the answer immediately.
It seems a little unrealistic that she would pretend she could not remember if she offered two or three necklaces, but maybe you are just showing she is so cavalier about the whole thing.
Best,
Dave
Comment Written 05-Jun-2021
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2021
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Thank you, Dave. I really like your suggestions.
Blessings.
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Yes, she is holding back. She knew exactly how many jewels, but skeptical to give details until she was pressed.
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I liked that moment, because it seems very real. Like she had not known if she would lie about it or not.
Comment from Brenda Henderson
The narrative is captivating and well written. There is excellent character and story development. The story has a good pace and does an excellent job capturing and maintaining the reader's attention throughout. The artwork chosen pairs well here. Good job!
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2021
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The narrative is captivating and well written. There is excellent character and story development. The story has a good pace and does an excellent job capturing and maintaining the reader's attention throughout. The artwork chosen pairs well here. Good job!
Comment Written 05-Jun-2021
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2021
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Thank you so much so much for your wonderful review. I really appreciate you.
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You're very welcome!
Comment from Lisa Marcelina
Hmmm, what an interesting story. I liked how the dialogue flowed as it was easy to tell who was speaking next. Sometimes when I am reading a novel, it is not always clear who is speaking next and I have to go back several times to identify the next speaker to understand the flow of the dialogue (hope I am making sense here).
In this case, I was able to read the story and enjoy it.
Writing fiction is not my strong point and I have great respect and admiration for fiction writers.
You are a very talented writer, and I wish you all the best in completing your book.
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2021
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Hmmm, what an interesting story. I liked how the dialogue flowed as it was easy to tell who was speaking next. Sometimes when I am reading a novel, it is not always clear who is speaking next and I have to go back several times to identify the next speaker to understand the flow of the dialogue (hope I am making sense here).
In this case, I was able to read the story and enjoy it.
Writing fiction is not my strong point and I have great respect and admiration for fiction writers.
You are a very talented writer, and I wish you all the best in completing your book.
Comment Written 05-Jun-2021
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2021
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Thank you so much. You've made my day.
Comment from barbara.wilkey
I love it. I wish I had a six left. It deserves it.
and slid into bed next to him, but said nothing. (beside him, it has to do with definition)
Finally, after sharing moments of his contorted humor, she settled next to him. (again, beside him.)
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2021
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I love it. I wish I had a six left. It deserves it.
and slid into bed next to him, but said nothing. (beside him, it has to do with definition)
Finally, after sharing moments of his contorted humor, she settled next to him. (again, beside him.)
Comment Written 05-Jun-2021
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2021
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Thank you, Barabra. I see to it. Glad you enjoyed it.