The Fae Nation
Viewing comments for Chapter 17 "The Battle Cry"Still just a germ of an idea that the moment
3 total reviews
Comment from Adri7enne
I do like your characters. I think you're channeling 'Bob' without too much effort. Lol! I also like how you imagine your characters reacting to totally imagined situations - the way the two elves walked out in offended dignity at Bob's assumption that an elf had written the graffiti - or was it at the offer of free rounds? Hard to tell with elves. Well done!
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2021
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I do like your characters. I think you're channeling 'Bob' without too much effort. Lol! I also like how you imagine your characters reacting to totally imagined situations - the way the two elves walked out in offended dignity at Bob's assumption that an elf had written the graffiti - or was it at the offer of free rounds? Hard to tell with elves. Well done!
Comment Written 05-Jun-2021
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2021
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Thanks. Glad you liked it. Isn't all fiction imagined situations?
Comment from Jay Squires
This is a fascinating story, Snodlander. This is my first time reading it, yet I know I'm in the presence of someone who's paid his (I'm assuming, though I suppose a woman could be Snodlander) dues. I felt comfortable reading your chapter from the first paragraph. The characters are well delineated, there is tension (though not always serious) between the characters: between Bob and Dawn for example. They are friends but there still exists a dramatic tension between them. It's what gives their scenes realism. You pace the tension well between Bob and the very proud elves. The graffiti is a character of sorts, as well; we just don't yet know its author. But it sits there and slowly vibrates its tension through the plotline. Tension is the unanswered question. Why the graffiti? Why'd the elves leave after they negotiated drinks for their knowledge? You've juggled all these tensions well.
I've made only a few notes as I read along. Use them if they are helpful. Ignore them if you like.
His bar was graffittied overnight. [His bar was GRAFFITIED overnight.]
Something in elvish.." [Never use two dots in an ellipsis. Always three dots unless it is the end of a complete sentence. Then it's four dots, three for the ellipsis denoting a longer pause than a comma, and one for the period to end the sentence. Never two, never more than four.]
. It is a thing of beauty, even when it's a threat or an insult. That-" [Sorry if I'm sounding like a grammarian, but I am an editor, and I can tell you that some reader/editors who have to go through hundreds of MSs a day, look for reasons to toss one in the slushpile. In this case, just as an ellipsis has 3 or 4 dots, an Em dash, used to show an interruption in speech, always has two dashes (--) which the Fanstory editnazi hates. Only use a single dash for a hyphen.]
Bob held up both his hands. "Woah. No offense meant, mate. ["Woah" isn't exactly wrong. I looked it up to be sure, and while it has some currency, "Whoa" is the preferred spelling. So, as with anything else, take it or leave it.]
I would certainly read the next chapter when it comes out.
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2021
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This is a fascinating story, Snodlander. This is my first time reading it, yet I know I'm in the presence of someone who's paid his (I'm assuming, though I suppose a woman could be Snodlander) dues. I felt comfortable reading your chapter from the first paragraph. The characters are well delineated, there is tension (though not always serious) between the characters: between Bob and Dawn for example. They are friends but there still exists a dramatic tension between them. It's what gives their scenes realism. You pace the tension well between Bob and the very proud elves. The graffiti is a character of sorts, as well; we just don't yet know its author. But it sits there and slowly vibrates its tension through the plotline. Tension is the unanswered question. Why the graffiti? Why'd the elves leave after they negotiated drinks for their knowledge? You've juggled all these tensions well.
I've made only a few notes as I read along. Use them if they are helpful. Ignore them if you like.
His bar was graffittied overnight. [His bar was GRAFFITIED overnight.]
Something in elvish.." [Never use two dots in an ellipsis. Always three dots unless it is the end of a complete sentence. Then it's four dots, three for the ellipsis denoting a longer pause than a comma, and one for the period to end the sentence. Never two, never more than four.]
. It is a thing of beauty, even when it's a threat or an insult. That-" [Sorry if I'm sounding like a grammarian, but I am an editor, and I can tell you that some reader/editors who have to go through hundreds of MSs a day, look for reasons to toss one in the slushpile. In this case, just as an ellipsis has 3 or 4 dots, an Em dash, used to show an interruption in speech, always has two dashes (--) which the Fanstory editnazi hates. Only use a single dash for a hyphen.]
Bob held up both his hands. "Woah. No offense meant, mate. ["Woah" isn't exactly wrong. I looked it up to be sure, and while it has some currency, "Whoa" is the preferred spelling. So, as with anything else, take it or leave it.]
I would certainly read the next chapter when it comes out.
Comment Written 04-Jun-2021
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2021
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Oops, thanks for the spag. I have new glasses and my laptop screen was a little dirty. That's my excuse for the accidental extra full stop. No elipses meant. As for the em dash, it's one in my wordprocessor. I shoiuld proof-read my posted story closer.
Thanks so much for the thorough review (even researching 'woah'). I appreciate it.
Comment from Leann DS
This is really great! I love the characters, and the dialogue does a terrific job in defining their personalities. Your descriptions are well done too, and the plot is interesting. Well done. Thank you for sharing, and hugs to you.
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2021
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This is really great! I love the characters, and the dialogue does a terrific job in defining their personalities. Your descriptions are well done too, and the plot is interesting. Well done. Thank you for sharing, and hugs to you.
Comment Written 04-Jun-2021
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2021
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You're very kind, thank you.