The Chronicals Of Bethica: The Rise
Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "The Chronicles Of Bethica"Abram must defeat a deadly humanoid race of beings
11 total reviews
Comment from Ric Myworld
I don't know how Celio was able to avoid being sucked down by the sinking ship, but that he didn't drown and brought a ship are what's important. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2021
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I don't know how Celio was able to avoid being sucked down by the sinking ship, but that he didn't drown and brought a ship are what's important. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 13-Jul-2021
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2021
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I thought a little mystery was good for the beginning story. Thanks, Rick.
Comment from elchupakabra
Two chapters in my biggest note for you is ANDBUTBUTAND - simple editing, go through and see how many phrases you start with but or and - they come off as throwaway thoughts you jotted down in passing like someone remembering random details while they tell me a story rather than a true narration. I'll save my final notes for chapter three, see you there, later daze.
reply by the author on 22-May-2021
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Two chapters in my biggest note for you is ANDBUTBUTAND - simple editing, go through and see how many phrases you start with but or and - they come off as throwaway thoughts you jotted down in passing like someone remembering random details while they tell me a story rather than a true narration. I'll save my final notes for chapter three, see you there, later daze.
Comment Written 21-May-2021
reply by the author on 22-May-2021
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Thank you for reading and reviewing my work.
Comment from robyn corum
A,
I have a child in my lap but I hope I can still do this. hahaha I enjoyed this portion of your story quite lot. I don't read a lot of fantasy, but your descriptions are vivid and creative and helped me fall right in. Nice!
I loved the fact that you throw so much at your characters. That's what I always teach and seldom see done. haha I thought this was really marvelous and look forward to more!
reply by the author on 19-May-2021
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A,
I have a child in my lap but I hope I can still do this. hahaha I enjoyed this portion of your story quite lot. I don't read a lot of fantasy, but your descriptions are vivid and creative and helped me fall right in. Nice!
I loved the fact that you throw so much at your characters. That's what I always teach and seldom see done. haha I thought this was really marvelous and look forward to more!
Comment Written 19-May-2021
reply by the author on 19-May-2021
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Thank you so much. I sincerely hope you enjoy each chapter.
Comment from irishauthorme
This is a jewel, compared to some of the other fantasy stories I have read here. Your characters come off as real, your settings promote a belief in your story, and you wrote some believable dialogue.
I will have to go back and read to catch up, but really liked this chapter.
Good work,
irish
reply by the author on 18-May-2021
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This is a jewel, compared to some of the other fantasy stories I have read here. Your characters come off as real, your settings promote a belief in your story, and you wrote some believable dialogue.
I will have to go back and read to catch up, but really liked this chapter.
Good work,
irish
Comment Written 18-May-2021
reply by the author on 18-May-2021
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Thank you very much, irish. I'm so glad you like the chapter.
Comment from TheTurtleDude
I just got into the book and It's already looking good. This chapter has proper tale-telling. The dialogue is also very nice. Overall great chapter. Looking forward to the next chapter.
TheTurtleDude
reply by the author on 18-May-2021
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I just got into the book and It's already looking good. This chapter has proper tale-telling. The dialogue is also very nice. Overall great chapter. Looking forward to the next chapter.
TheTurtleDude
Comment Written 18-May-2021
reply by the author on 18-May-2021
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Thank you very much.
Comment from Jay Squires
You are quite a storyteller, Amahra. It's been an almost non-stop thrill ride, with suspense at every turn.
I made some notes as I followed along:
It was made of fine metal--a silver eagle; its beak pointed left with one emerald eye and a sword as its tail.
[When I first read this sentence, I pictured the eagle facing front and when you said his beak pointed left, I adjusted my image to a bent beak, as odd as that sounds. You might consider the wording, "... as silver eagle in profile with an emerald eye ..." etc. This is not a major suggestion at all, just a consideration.]
Gangus had made certained that all in his company, [Gangus had made CERTAIN that all ...]
Everyone was told by the captain to stay in their cabins. [Almost always the active voice is more powerful: "The captain told everyone to stay in their cabins. Again, not major, but something to think about.]
the tall waves looked like giant bluefish foaming at the mouth [A gorgeous image, Amahra!]
Something bumped Gangus' leg [What an eerie image you painted with so few words.]
But Gangus' clan, minus Celio miraculously remained in tack. [... remained INTACT.]
I'm looking forward to the next chapter.
reply by the author on 17-May-2021
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You are quite a storyteller, Amahra. It's been an almost non-stop thrill ride, with suspense at every turn.
I made some notes as I followed along:
It was made of fine metal--a silver eagle; its beak pointed left with one emerald eye and a sword as its tail.
[When I first read this sentence, I pictured the eagle facing front and when you said his beak pointed left, I adjusted my image to a bent beak, as odd as that sounds. You might consider the wording, "... as silver eagle in profile with an emerald eye ..." etc. This is not a major suggestion at all, just a consideration.]
Gangus had made certained that all in his company, [Gangus had made CERTAIN that all ...]
Everyone was told by the captain to stay in their cabins. [Almost always the active voice is more powerful: "The captain told everyone to stay in their cabins. Again, not major, but something to think about.]
the tall waves looked like giant bluefish foaming at the mouth [A gorgeous image, Amahra!]
Something bumped Gangus' leg [What an eerie image you painted with so few words.]
But Gangus' clan, minus Celio miraculously remained in tack. [... remained INTACT.]
I'm looking forward to the next chapter.
Comment Written 17-May-2021
reply by the author on 17-May-2021
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Thank you for reading and reviewing. Your suggestions are excellent, Jay especially the eagle; I kept feeling the image I was trying to invoke wasn't clear but couldn't be sure how to correct it. I'll make the changes you suggested and work on that darn beak. lol
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Oh, I don't have to work on it; the word profile is fine. Thanks Jay.
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Thank you for your maturity. Many have bristled at any suggestion they should consider changing something.
Comment from padumachitta
hello
ah a formal quest, what better way than to have a tale spin into the future with lots of possibilities.
Well done, good dialogue that is appropriate.
Keep writing and stay safe.
reply by the author on 17-May-2021
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hello
ah a formal quest, what better way than to have a tale spin into the future with lots of possibilities.
Well done, good dialogue that is appropriate.
Keep writing and stay safe.
Comment Written 17-May-2021
reply by the author on 17-May-2021
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Thank you very much.
Comment from royowen
I've always been rather fond of epic journeys, something that my earlier life's reading was consumed with, you have created something like that, with nobles and their quests standing out with fascinating names and amazing places. Good characters and plot, well done, blessings Roy
reply by the author on 17-May-2021
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I've always been rather fond of epic journeys, something that my earlier life's reading was consumed with, you have created something like that, with nobles and their quests standing out with fascinating names and amazing places. Good characters and plot, well done, blessings Roy
Comment Written 17-May-2021
reply by the author on 17-May-2021
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Thank you, Roy. I'm glad you like this genre.
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Most welcome
Comment from davisr (Rhonda)
Hi Amahra,
I was glad to see your second book. I guess I missed the first chapter, unless that's the one I reviewed the other day, anyway, I loved this one. A few thoughts:
It was made of fine metal--a silver eagle; its beak pointed left with one emerald eye and a sword as its tail. ~ excellent description. I could absolutely picture the necklace.
the tall waves looked like giant bluefish foaming at the mouth and jumping in and out of the ocean. ~ great simile
Celio yelled. "Hold on!" The ship tilted forward. Celio stood on the edge of the boat, pulled out a small knife, and feverishly sawed the thick ropes that held the small boat to the ship. ~ You had a lot of good suspense. I picked out this line to illustrate my thought.
Suggestion: It might help to have a character sketch in your author's notes for the newbies who might be jumping onto your new novel (like me, lol).
You do a great job of catching us up with dialogue and description, but it helps, at least me, to focus on the characters.
Great job,
Rhonda
reply by the author on 17-May-2021
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Hi Amahra,
I was glad to see your second book. I guess I missed the first chapter, unless that's the one I reviewed the other day, anyway, I loved this one. A few thoughts:
It was made of fine metal--a silver eagle; its beak pointed left with one emerald eye and a sword as its tail. ~ excellent description. I could absolutely picture the necklace.
the tall waves looked like giant bluefish foaming at the mouth and jumping in and out of the ocean. ~ great simile
Celio yelled. "Hold on!" The ship tilted forward. Celio stood on the edge of the boat, pulled out a small knife, and feverishly sawed the thick ropes that held the small boat to the ship. ~ You had a lot of good suspense. I picked out this line to illustrate my thought.
Suggestion: It might help to have a character sketch in your author's notes for the newbies who might be jumping onto your new novel (like me, lol).
You do a great job of catching us up with dialogue and description, but it helps, at least me, to focus on the characters.
Great job,
Rhonda
Comment Written 17-May-2021
reply by the author on 17-May-2021
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Ok, you mean list the characters and who they are in every chapter? And thank you so much for reading, suggesting and for the six stars.
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Maybe not every chapter, but yeah, at least for the first few to gather new readers. No criticism intended, but it was suggested to me when I had a long novel. It helped bring in new readers, and older ones with short memories, hehe.
I really do love the book and was excited to find it on the site.
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Ok, thanks for your help, I'm adding those now. And speaking of short memories, (mine) don't get me started...lol
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Mine is so short, I have to do character caps on my own work to keep up, haha.
Thanks for adding them,
Rhonda
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And I did go back and check, and I did review the first chapter. I wasn?t certain if it was the end of the old, or beginning of the new.
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Just read the character recap. Very helpful!!
Comment from Iza Deleanu
This chapter sounds so much as the Titanic and the one person who tried keep all of them safe in the bottom got swollen by the ship. Thank you for sharing and good luck with your writings.
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 17-May-2021
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This chapter sounds so much as the Titanic and the one person who tried keep all of them safe in the bottom got swollen by the ship. Thank you for sharing and good luck with your writings.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 16-May-2021
reply by the author on 17-May-2021
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Thank you very much.