Japanese Poetry 2021
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Rainbows Hide"Japanese poetry club submissions
8 total reviews
Comment from Gypsy Blue Rose
Rainbows Hide
by Debra White
Hello, Debra,
Lovely haibun for our club. Good prose word count, 40 words, within format allowance. Good syllables count in haiku. I like the presentation too. I like the topic... good topic... I like the rainbow metaphor.
reply by the author on 16-May-2021
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Rainbows Hide
by Debra White
Hello, Debra,
Lovely haibun for our club. Good prose word count, 40 words, within format allowance. Good syllables count in haiku. I like the presentation too. I like the topic... good topic... I like the rainbow metaphor.
Comment Written 16-May-2021
reply by the author on 16-May-2021
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Thanks, Gypsy :)
It was my first ever attempt at writing a haibun, so I'm happy you enjoyed it.
Best wishes, Debra
Comment from lyenochka
There's so much deep truth in your haibun. You mastered this form. Your prose section is wonderfully poetic and your haiku section perfectly summarizes the need for both parties to make a relationship a beautiful thing.
reply by the author on 15-May-2021
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There's so much deep truth in your haibun. You mastered this form. Your prose section is wonderfully poetic and your haiku section perfectly summarizes the need for both parties to make a relationship a beautiful thing.
Comment Written 15-May-2021
reply by the author on 15-May-2021
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Hello Helen,
Thank you so much for your kind and understanding feedback :)
I'm glad that you enjoyed my haibun - it's my first one ever!
I also got notification that you gave it a bonus pump - thank you - I appreciate you :)
Best wishes as always, Debra x
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I think you did a wonderful haibun! You nailed the poetry in the prose part and many keep just prose but you captured the way haibuns should be done. Great job!
Comment from Elizabeth Emerald
Poignant and powerful--brilliant conception of how it takes two to make a rainbow, masterfully metaphor--rainbow makers once upon a time. Stunning closer.
reply by the author on 15-May-2021
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Poignant and powerful--brilliant conception of how it takes two to make a rainbow, masterfully metaphor--rainbow makers once upon a time. Stunning closer.
Comment Written 15-May-2021
reply by the author on 15-May-2021
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Hi Liz :) Thanks so much for your lovely feedback. My first attempt at haibun, glad you enjoyed it. I got some great pointers from Robyn which I'll try to implement next time I have a go.
Best wishes as always, Debra
Comment from robyn corum
Debra,
This is a really, really good haibun - a form that I ADORE. If you would permit me to make a couple of notes?
Since the haibun is SUCH a short form you have to make every ingredient work extra HARD for you. Think of this as three parts, right? You have the prose, the haiku, and the title. Together, these three ingredients paint a picture for the reader. Each of them do a part of the work, the heavy-lifting. Don't overlook this fact.
Here, your prose portion is truly excellent. Submission-worthy, even. And the first two lines of you haiku are superb. My question comes in on the third line. Since your prose portion is allll about the fact that you two had a hard time creating a mutual rainbow (which can't be made alone) - do you really want to use up an entire line of your haiku to go over this again?
The haiku is an opportunity to revisit this moment from a different angle. It doesn't even have to talk about the rainbow. It could speak about how a drought feels, right? Something similar that ADDS TO what the prose is saying. Just a thought.
And then you have the title -- and here again, you (sorry) have wasted an opportunity. You only repeated something already used. This is another chance to say something different- to ADD TO this vision of the picture you're trying to show the reader. THREE PARTS - use them all.
Thanks, buddy. Still worth a five.
reply by the author on 15-May-2021
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Debra,
This is a really, really good haibun - a form that I ADORE. If you would permit me to make a couple of notes?
Since the haibun is SUCH a short form you have to make every ingredient work extra HARD for you. Think of this as three parts, right? You have the prose, the haiku, and the title. Together, these three ingredients paint a picture for the reader. Each of them do a part of the work, the heavy-lifting. Don't overlook this fact.
Here, your prose portion is truly excellent. Submission-worthy, even. And the first two lines of you haiku are superb. My question comes in on the third line. Since your prose portion is allll about the fact that you two had a hard time creating a mutual rainbow (which can't be made alone) - do you really want to use up an entire line of your haiku to go over this again?
The haiku is an opportunity to revisit this moment from a different angle. It doesn't even have to talk about the rainbow. It could speak about how a drought feels, right? Something similar that ADDS TO what the prose is saying. Just a thought.
And then you have the title -- and here again, you (sorry) have wasted an opportunity. You only repeated something already used. This is another chance to say something different- to ADD TO this vision of the picture you're trying to show the reader. THREE PARTS - use them all.
Thanks, buddy. Still worth a five.
Comment Written 15-May-2021
reply by the author on 15-May-2021
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Hi Robyn :)
Thank you, thank you, thank you! This is my first time ever attempting to write a haibun and your feedback is invaluable.
I appreciate you and will take your help and advice forward to the next time I write one.
Again, thank you xx
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hahahhahaha You're welcome!
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I'm so glad you're not mad!
Comment from Jannypan (Jan)
You did a great job, Debra, with your club challenge poem. Your prose reads smoothly with much details. The haiku adds more depth to your well thought out words of it. All in all, it seems like a sad time for you, but hopefully, time has helped erase some of the hurt. I like the image though your words paint their own for readers
Thanks for sharing.
Respectfully, Jan
reply by the author on 15-May-2021
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You did a great job, Debra, with your club challenge poem. Your prose reads smoothly with much details. The haiku adds more depth to your well thought out words of it. All in all, it seems like a sad time for you, but hopefully, time has helped erase some of the hurt. I like the image though your words paint their own for readers
Thanks for sharing.
Respectfully, Jan
Comment Written 15-May-2021
reply by the author on 15-May-2021
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Hello Jan :)
Thank you so much for your lovely feedback. This is the first time I have written a haiku, so I'm delighted that it hit the mark!
You're right, it wasn't the best time for me, but it's all water under the bridge and life has since been kind :)
Best wishes as always, Debra
Comment from Dolly'sPoems
Staying in a relationship that is dull and grey is a recipe for disaster and life is too short not to introduce colour and vibrant connections, it is best to move on and welcome positive vibes, much enjoyed, love Dolly x
reply by the author on 15-May-2021
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Staying in a relationship that is dull and grey is a recipe for disaster and life is too short not to introduce colour and vibrant connections, it is best to move on and welcome positive vibes, much enjoyed, love Dolly x
Comment Written 15-May-2021
reply by the author on 15-May-2021
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Hello Dolly,
Thank you for your great feedback. I appreciate it :)
Best wishes as always, Debra x
Comment from Eternal Muse
I loved this. It was a perfect Haibun. Never tried one, but you really inspired me. This gave me goosebumps. You are right, no one can make rainbows in a relationship. It takes two. Alas, when rainbows hide, it often spells the end.
perpetual grey
colours November skies -
rainbows hide
Amazing imagery. You are very talented. I am impressed.
reply by the author on 15-May-2021
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I loved this. It was a perfect Haibun. Never tried one, but you really inspired me. This gave me goosebumps. You are right, no one can make rainbows in a relationship. It takes two. Alas, when rainbows hide, it often spells the end.
perpetual grey
colours November skies -
rainbows hide
Amazing imagery. You are very talented. I am impressed.
Comment Written 15-May-2021
reply by the author on 15-May-2021
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Thank you so much for your lovely review and generous star award. I'm very honoured :) This was my first time writing a haibun!
Best wishes, Debra
Comment from royowen
Yes indeed, the rainbow was God's sign that a flood would never take the earth again, but it's always been a sign that the storm was over and sun produces the beautiful colours, well done Debra, blessings Roy
reply by the author on 15-May-2021
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Yes indeed, the rainbow was God's sign that a flood would never take the earth again, but it's always been a sign that the storm was over and sun produces the beautiful colours, well done Debra, blessings Roy
Comment Written 15-May-2021
reply by the author on 15-May-2021
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Thank you, Roy, for your kind and thoughtful review. Best wishes as always, Debra :)
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Most welcome Debra,
