Aiona's Poems
Viewing comments for Chapter 121 "Flighty Lesson"Because my portfolio is too messy and I have OCD.
4 total reviews
Comment from dragonpoet
This could be taken both literally and figuratively. You could see a mother bird trying to teach her babies how to fly. Or a mother home schooling children. Int both cases one is willing to take on the challenge and one isn't.
Good luck in the contest.
Keep writing and stay healthy.
Joan
reply by the author on 09-May-2021
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This could be taken both literally and figuratively. You could see a mother bird trying to teach her babies how to fly. Or a mother home schooling children. Int both cases one is willing to take on the challenge and one isn't.
Good luck in the contest.
Keep writing and stay healthy.
Joan
Comment Written 09-May-2021
reply by the author on 09-May-2021
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LOL! Gosh, I didn't even think of it metaphorically. I like the way your mind works, Joan. Thanks for the review.
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My pleasure, Aiona. I try to see poems from all angles.
Joan
Comment from Jay Squires
This is a most fascinating haiku, Aiona, with the overlapping lines. I was wondering though, about the last line. (Well, I think I see the rationale for it: You wanted to keep all three lines ending in either two, too, or to for the homonym effect.) Anyway, without being critical of your original intent, I'll just toss it to you anyway... I was wondering why you didn't use the more obvious "afraid to be taught."
Still, your haiku is so clever, I can't imagine the judges passing it by. (By the way, I just now saw your Author note. Ha! It's good to know I used homonyms right! Good luck, Aiona!
reply by the author on 09-May-2021
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This is a most fascinating haiku, Aiona, with the overlapping lines. I was wondering though, about the last line. (Well, I think I see the rationale for it: You wanted to keep all three lines ending in either two, too, or to for the homonym effect.) Anyway, without being critical of your original intent, I'll just toss it to you anyway... I was wondering why you didn't use the more obvious "afraid to be taught."
Still, your haiku is so clever, I can't imagine the judges passing it by. (By the way, I just now saw your Author note. Ha! It's good to know I used homonyms right! Good luck, Aiona!
Comment Written 08-May-2021
reply by the author on 09-May-2021
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Yeah, someone mentioned in another review of a previous poem that they like poems that rhyme. I do too! So I thought I'd try to make a haiku that rhymes, and then I read the rules for haiku and it isn't even supposed to rhyme. So.... technically, I'm guessing this can't even be called a haiku..... But yeah, maybe I can make an internal rhyme? I dunno. OH! I have an idea. Thanks, Jay! Maybe "scared to be taught to" Revising now.....
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I revised it, but now it makes me think of that joke about a feisty Southern belle who tried to improve herself by enrolling in a prestigious charm school, where she immediately feels out of place.
Attempting to break the ice, the first thing does is to ask her new classmates, "Where y'all from?"
Instead of answering, all the women gasp and murmur amongst to themselves.
Finally one classmate pipes up, "Didn't you know that it's not proper to end sentences with a preposition?"
The Southern belle smiles at all the giggling women, and then asks again, "Where y'all from, bitches?"
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There ya freakin' go!
Comment from Ritasher
I like your creative approach here! A fun poem and a fun title given. It really sounds good as a 5/7/5 poem :)
I would just invite you to find a fitting image - I bet it would heighten the chance of your poem being noticed.
Also, since it is a haiku - not a 5/7/5 poem, I'd suggest looking up the haiku rules a bit more; the haiku shouldn't read as a sentence, also, there usually should be two separated ideas or feelings between the first two and the last line.
Overall, I think you did a good job with the poem, just have in mind that some haiku rules are exactly for the sake making it a haiku. :)
reply by the author on 09-May-2021
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I like your creative approach here! A fun poem and a fun title given. It really sounds good as a 5/7/5 poem :)
I would just invite you to find a fitting image - I bet it would heighten the chance of your poem being noticed.
Also, since it is a haiku - not a 5/7/5 poem, I'd suggest looking up the haiku rules a bit more; the haiku shouldn't read as a sentence, also, there usually should be two separated ideas or feelings between the first two and the last line.
Overall, I think you did a good job with the poem, just have in mind that some haiku rules are exactly for the sake making it a haiku. :)
Comment Written 08-May-2021
reply by the author on 09-May-2021
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Thanks for the review. Great suggestions too. I think I already broke the rules by making it rhyme. I will try to find a suitable picture though.
Comment from Bonnie Seach
The poem offers soothing reading. The word picture lifts one's thoughts up and away from the humdrum below. A peaceful interlude. When we are stressed and weary, gazing up at a clear blue sky, or the stars and moon at night for a few minutes, is relaxing and faith strengthening. Kind regards
reply by the author on 09-May-2021
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The poem offers soothing reading. The word picture lifts one's thoughts up and away from the humdrum below. A peaceful interlude. When we are stressed and weary, gazing up at a clear blue sky, or the stars and moon at night for a few minutes, is relaxing and faith strengthening. Kind regards
Comment Written 08-May-2021
reply by the author on 09-May-2021
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Thanks, Bonnie, for the review. I will try to find a suitable picture with the sky in mind!
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Thank you for your reply. I am learning how important our artwork is when submit a story or a poem. I wish you success. Hugs for you
