The Spirit of the Wind
Viewing comments for Chapter 34 "Foothills to Freedom"Newylwed homesteader Jane becomes a widow
8 total reviews
Comment from CrystieCookie999
This chapter describes a difficult turn of events for Jane. Returning a captive to the Indians seems a little strange, even to honor an alliance. Luckily it seems the captain had a change of heart, or had a loyalty to her all along.
Little fixes:
I would let you go, unfortunately this has put me between a rock and a hard place."
I think put a semi-colon after the word 'go' and a comma after 'unfortunately.'
Jane thrashed about on the horse and kicked it's sides, but the one young rebel with grey eyes and a peach fuzz face held the horse in place and walked her on the trail down the mountain.
Change it's to its
Unless you always use the British spelling of gray, I would change grey to gray
Maybe put a hyphen between peach and fuzz
He said nothing, his face looked soured, as if he forgot how to smile.
This sentence is a run-on. Try: He said nothing. His face looked soured, as if he had forgotten how to smile.
The rebels snaked their way down the mountain trail where Jane listened and heard the sound of the river flowing eastward where she expected it to roll into the foothills and open plains within a matter of hours.
I think put a comma after eastward
The one young rebel, barely a man had to nudge her from falling.
Add a comma after man, since that is a parenthetical phrase describing rebel.
He nodded, but quietly kept on.
Probably just take the comma out after nodded.
"What's your name?" She asked.
Change She to she.
"Captain and them, are my family.
Take comma out after them
Miss, please go relieve yourself, we must be on our way soon."
Replace comma after yourself with period and capitalize We in new sentence.
The Men along with their sinister grins mounted and they continued the trek on the trail until slipping through a crevice between boulders.
Uncapitalize Men to just men. Also, something about this is awkward. Maybe try, The men, most still grinning in a sinister way, mounted their horses again and continued the trek on the trail, until they came to a crevice between boulders that the entire group could slip through.
Suddenly the prairie opened up before them. Jane's eyes ached to see how close she was to the trail that could lead her home. Would he truly set me free? Did he say this to keep me in line?
Italicize Jane's thoughts.
The sky was robin blue with waver thin clouds on the horizon.
I think you mean: The sky was robin's egg blue, with wafer-thin clouds on the horizon.
She feared he told her she would be set free, to keep me calm. She was dizzy with fear.
Something about the change of pronoun is confusing. Try: She feared he had told her she would be set free only to keep her calm. She was dizzy with fear.
In the distant foothills, painted warriors rode on spotted horses. Jane didn't need to look twice to know a trade would take place between the confederate soldiers and the tribe.
Capitalize Confederate
Just then, Billy tugged on her horse and lead them into the bushes and on to another trail.
Change lead to led
She dared to look back, only to see the captain saluting her. It was then she knew, he intended to set her free and take his chances with the tribe.
Maybe try: She glanced backward, only to see the captain saluting her. It was then she knew he intended to set her free and take his chances with the tribe.
Billy lead Jane down an uneven trail of gravel where stones slipped beneath the horse.
Change lead to led
Put a comma after gravel
He pulled a knife from his sheath and cut the rope from her hands. "Captain changed his mind, he needed to keep the men in line, but told me to let you go when they all had their backs to you."
Put a semi-colon instead of a comma after mind
Take the comma out after line
Billy nodded. "Yes um, Ma'am."
Take out um
Several hard turns later she found herself in a meadow circled by white elms.
I think put a comma after meadow
She slowed to trot and slipped past the skinny elms until the flatlands of the prairie were within her grasp.
Insert a in front of trot
Trotting out into the clearing, Jane turned to see a scouting party of Indians.
I think just clarify: Trotting her horse out into the clearing,
That way it doesn't sound as if Jane is trotting without the horse.
She crawled to the muddy bank where a hand reached across to pull her to safety.
I think maybe stick a comma in there after bank
. She turned and was stunned to see the wide dark eyes of Redhawk.
Stick a comma in there after wide
Nice read as always!
reply by the author on 04-May-2021
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This chapter describes a difficult turn of events for Jane. Returning a captive to the Indians seems a little strange, even to honor an alliance. Luckily it seems the captain had a change of heart, or had a loyalty to her all along.
Little fixes:
I would let you go, unfortunately this has put me between a rock and a hard place."
I think put a semi-colon after the word 'go' and a comma after 'unfortunately.'
Jane thrashed about on the horse and kicked it's sides, but the one young rebel with grey eyes and a peach fuzz face held the horse in place and walked her on the trail down the mountain.
Change it's to its
Unless you always use the British spelling of gray, I would change grey to gray
Maybe put a hyphen between peach and fuzz
He said nothing, his face looked soured, as if he forgot how to smile.
This sentence is a run-on. Try: He said nothing. His face looked soured, as if he had forgotten how to smile.
The rebels snaked their way down the mountain trail where Jane listened and heard the sound of the river flowing eastward where she expected it to roll into the foothills and open plains within a matter of hours.
I think put a comma after eastward
The one young rebel, barely a man had to nudge her from falling.
Add a comma after man, since that is a parenthetical phrase describing rebel.
He nodded, but quietly kept on.
Probably just take the comma out after nodded.
"What's your name?" She asked.
Change She to she.
"Captain and them, are my family.
Take comma out after them
Miss, please go relieve yourself, we must be on our way soon."
Replace comma after yourself with period and capitalize We in new sentence.
The Men along with their sinister grins mounted and they continued the trek on the trail until slipping through a crevice between boulders.
Uncapitalize Men to just men. Also, something about this is awkward. Maybe try, The men, most still grinning in a sinister way, mounted their horses again and continued the trek on the trail, until they came to a crevice between boulders that the entire group could slip through.
Suddenly the prairie opened up before them. Jane's eyes ached to see how close she was to the trail that could lead her home. Would he truly set me free? Did he say this to keep me in line?
Italicize Jane's thoughts.
The sky was robin blue with waver thin clouds on the horizon.
I think you mean: The sky was robin's egg blue, with wafer-thin clouds on the horizon.
She feared he told her she would be set free, to keep me calm. She was dizzy with fear.
Something about the change of pronoun is confusing. Try: She feared he had told her she would be set free only to keep her calm. She was dizzy with fear.
In the distant foothills, painted warriors rode on spotted horses. Jane didn't need to look twice to know a trade would take place between the confederate soldiers and the tribe.
Capitalize Confederate
Just then, Billy tugged on her horse and lead them into the bushes and on to another trail.
Change lead to led
She dared to look back, only to see the captain saluting her. It was then she knew, he intended to set her free and take his chances with the tribe.
Maybe try: She glanced backward, only to see the captain saluting her. It was then she knew he intended to set her free and take his chances with the tribe.
Billy lead Jane down an uneven trail of gravel where stones slipped beneath the horse.
Change lead to led
Put a comma after gravel
He pulled a knife from his sheath and cut the rope from her hands. "Captain changed his mind, he needed to keep the men in line, but told me to let you go when they all had their backs to you."
Put a semi-colon instead of a comma after mind
Take the comma out after line
Billy nodded. "Yes um, Ma'am."
Take out um
Several hard turns later she found herself in a meadow circled by white elms.
I think put a comma after meadow
She slowed to trot and slipped past the skinny elms until the flatlands of the prairie were within her grasp.
Insert a in front of trot
Trotting out into the clearing, Jane turned to see a scouting party of Indians.
I think just clarify: Trotting her horse out into the clearing,
That way it doesn't sound as if Jane is trotting without the horse.
She crawled to the muddy bank where a hand reached across to pull her to safety.
I think maybe stick a comma in there after bank
. She turned and was stunned to see the wide dark eyes of Redhawk.
Stick a comma in there after wide
Nice read as always!
Comment Written 01-May-2021
reply by the author on 04-May-2021
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Thanks Kristy for all the good help. I will save it and use it. Thanks for the thumbs up!
Comment from Robert Zimmerman
Hello Stan.
There is a lot of intrigue in this chapter. There are three different threats to her and she managed to slip by each one of them. At least it appears that way.
Jane has not had one easy day from the beginning. It is a well chronicled life of the frontier woman struggling to stay alive on the American frontier.
Robert
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2021
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Hello Stan.
There is a lot of intrigue in this chapter. There are three different threats to her and she managed to slip by each one of them. At least it appears that way.
Jane has not had one easy day from the beginning. It is a well chronicled life of the frontier woman struggling to stay alive on the American frontier.
Robert
Comment Written 27-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2021
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Thanks Robert!
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You're welcome.
You might enjoy my post "Enough!!!!!"
I don't know if it still has any money left on it.
Comment from Mastery
Hi Stan. Thanks for another action-packed chapter. Lots of imagery in here and the closing "hook" is a dandy.
Suggestions: Change this as it sounds a bit out of kilter: "Then her eyes settled on the captain's sharkish ones." (settled on the Captains sharkish eyes." is fine.
And edit this part, Stosh. "
Jane awoke by the jerk of a rope around her waist. Hands bound, mouth gagged, she was unable to protest. With wild eyes and flared nostrils, she breathed in the dead rot of the forest floor. Then her eyes settled on the captain's sharkish ones.
He sat stoic and stiff on his horse, while the other men mounted theirs. Jane was tossed on a horse and held in place. Suggest: "He sat rather stiff on the horse while the men sat her in the saddle and mounted their own horses."
Also, "He said nothing, his face looked soured, as if he forgot how to smile. The captain whispered in the lad's ear and rode back to the front."
Try: He said nothing but had a sour look about him. The Captain whispered something in his ear and trotted back to the front."
just a few corrections will make this a great chapter. Bless you. Bob
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2021
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Hi Stan. Thanks for another action-packed chapter. Lots of imagery in here and the closing "hook" is a dandy.
Suggestions: Change this as it sounds a bit out of kilter: "Then her eyes settled on the captain's sharkish ones." (settled on the Captains sharkish eyes." is fine.
And edit this part, Stosh. "
Jane awoke by the jerk of a rope around her waist. Hands bound, mouth gagged, she was unable to protest. With wild eyes and flared nostrils, she breathed in the dead rot of the forest floor. Then her eyes settled on the captain's sharkish ones.
He sat stoic and stiff on his horse, while the other men mounted theirs. Jane was tossed on a horse and held in place. Suggest: "He sat rather stiff on the horse while the men sat her in the saddle and mounted their own horses."
Also, "He said nothing, his face looked soured, as if he forgot how to smile. The captain whispered in the lad's ear and rode back to the front."
Try: He said nothing but had a sour look about him. The Captain whispered something in his ear and trotted back to the front."
just a few corrections will make this a great chapter. Bless you. Bob
Comment Written 25-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2021
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Thanks Bob! Appreciate the constructive review and your honest support of this project. Blessed.
Comment from BethShelby
This is such a excellent story. You have put this lady thought a lot of adventure. I'm trying to remember if Redhawk is the Indian who she escaped from, or if he was another Indian friend. I thought she was about to be free, so surely she is not back in the hands of the Indians she was trying to escape from. He called her Mrs. Mccord so he is acknowledging her marriage to another man. I notice you ended this with him mentioning the title of your book Spirit of the Wind.
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2021
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This is such a excellent story. You have put this lady thought a lot of adventure. I'm trying to remember if Redhawk is the Indian who she escaped from, or if he was another Indian friend. I thought she was about to be free, so surely she is not back in the hands of the Indians she was trying to escape from. He called her Mrs. Mccord so he is acknowledging her marriage to another man. I notice you ended this with him mentioning the title of your book Spirit of the Wind.
Comment Written 25-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2021
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Thanks BEth!
Comment from Alaskastory
"Foothills to Freedom" is an encouraging chapter. I was thankful it showed a little sympathy from the men for Jane.
This is unclear. Did she fall off the horse and he ran off? Or did the horse trip? on this: "Her horse left her. She catapulted through the air..."
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2021
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"Foothills to Freedom" is an encouraging chapter. I was thankful it showed a little sympathy from the men for Jane.
This is unclear. Did she fall off the horse and he ran off? Or did the horse trip? on this: "Her horse left her. She catapulted through the air..."
Comment Written 25-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2021
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Thanks Marie!
Comment from royowen
It looks like after the captain and the young boy had engineered her escape, she has stumbled into friendly hands, I have enjoyed this great saga of yours, it's a great story, with memorable characters, particularly Running Deer. Well done, blessings Roy
reply by the author on 07-May-2021
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It looks like after the captain and the young boy had engineered her escape, she has stumbled into friendly hands, I have enjoyed this great saga of yours, it's a great story, with memorable characters, particularly Running Deer. Well done, blessings Roy
Comment Written 24-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 07-May-2021
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Thanks again for this review and my belated response.
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Bless you
Comment from robyn corum
Stan,
Well, awesome. Looks like she's made it back to the land of people she knows - or, well, at least they know her and know where she belongs. Awesome. It's about time. I imagine she will be pretty pleased to see the adventure is ending. IF she survives this part, that is.
Notes:
1.) "What's your name?" (s)he asked.
2.) The (m)en along with their sinister grins mounted and they continued the trek
3.) The sky was robin('s egg) blue with (wafer) thin clouds on the horizon
4.) She feared he told her she would be set free, to keep (her) calm.
5.) Just then, Billy tugged on her horse and (led) them into the bushes and on to another trail.
6.) Billy (led) Jane down an uneven trail of gravel
Neat!
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2021
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Stan,
Well, awesome. Looks like she's made it back to the land of people she knows - or, well, at least they know her and know where she belongs. Awesome. It's about time. I imagine she will be pretty pleased to see the adventure is ending. IF she survives this part, that is.
Notes:
1.) "What's your name?" (s)he asked.
2.) The (m)en along with their sinister grins mounted and they continued the trek
3.) The sky was robin('s egg) blue with (wafer) thin clouds on the horizon
4.) She feared he told her she would be set free, to keep (her) calm.
5.) Just then, Billy tugged on her horse and (led) them into the bushes and on to another trail.
6.) Billy (led) Jane down an uneven trail of gravel
Neat!
Comment Written 24-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2021
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Got this copied to.. I've got some work to do.
Comment from Ben Colder
Good one Stan. Love the way you brought her out of the situation with the Rebs. Poor lady, she has had one heck of a time trying to stay alive. Now folks, stay tuned into this station for the climax. Use Tide it washes everything from dirt to rock. LOL.
My blessings Bro.
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2021
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Good one Stan. Love the way you brought her out of the situation with the Rebs. Poor lady, she has had one heck of a time trying to stay alive. Now folks, stay tuned into this station for the climax. Use Tide it washes everything from dirt to rock. LOL.
My blessings Bro.
Comment Written 24-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2021
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Better than a tidal wave, Bro. LOL
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Yep. I would rather have a clear title to a $300,000 motor home.
