Small Towns
Old Town's and memories2 total reviews
Comment from Jannypan (Jan)
Your poem is interesting in its nostalgic feel. I enjoyed reding it. Your words are well-chosen and are filled with great imagery. I could see everything as I read.
May I suggest ~
title --Small Town's-->Towns
I was out driving through
some old town's, that I use to--->towns / used
run when I was young.
I came to a place on the
river, that is now a State Park.
I remember the dam I use--->used
to walk across,
most of the dam is gone now,
due to a flood.
The water still runs across
in the middle,
I took a walk up the path
behind the dam,
It all came rushing back
the flat rock's that the water run's--->rocks /runs
across.
I remembered I use to --->used
drive my car, out on the rock's--->rocks
and wash it.
Those were the day's of my--->days
youth.
I can still see that 55 chevy,
sitting in the water on those
flat rock's.--->rocks
The time of my life,
my girl by my side, we were young
and living the life.
The dam is still there, just not
complete.
You can't drive up the path now,
it's a State Park.
Progress is a beautiful thing.
The memories when there was--->were
no barricades to keep out
the cars have not faded.
A hot summer's day,
your car parked on the rocks
in the water.
My girl and I sitting on a--->me
blanket, with a hot dog and soda,
the good old day's gone--->days
but not forgotten.
The past is still present in the
heart's of young love.--->hearts
Old Town's---Towns
there's so many more
to explore.
I would add several line breaks (like small paragraphs)
I rate 5 because I believe you will revise.
Respectfully, Jan
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2021
  |
Your poem is interesting in its nostalgic feel. I enjoyed reding it. Your words are well-chosen and are filled with great imagery. I could see everything as I read.
May I suggest ~
title --Small Town's-->Towns
I was out driving through
some old town's, that I use to--->towns / used
run when I was young.
I came to a place on the
river, that is now a State Park.
I remember the dam I use--->used
to walk across,
most of the dam is gone now,
due to a flood.
The water still runs across
in the middle,
I took a walk up the path
behind the dam,
It all came rushing back
the flat rock's that the water run's--->rocks /runs
across.
I remembered I use to --->used
drive my car, out on the rock's--->rocks
and wash it.
Those were the day's of my--->days
youth.
I can still see that 55 chevy,
sitting in the water on those
flat rock's.--->rocks
The time of my life,
my girl by my side, we were young
and living the life.
The dam is still there, just not
complete.
You can't drive up the path now,
it's a State Park.
Progress is a beautiful thing.
The memories when there was--->were
no barricades to keep out
the cars have not faded.
A hot summer's day,
your car parked on the rocks
in the water.
My girl and I sitting on a--->me
blanket, with a hot dog and soda,
the good old day's gone--->days
but not forgotten.
The past is still present in the
heart's of young love.--->hearts
Old Town's---Towns
there's so many more
to explore.
I would add several line breaks (like small paragraphs)
I rate 5 because I believe you will revise.
Respectfully, Jan
Comment Written 24-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2021
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Thank you very much, Jan this was the first time in 54 years, that I have seen those rocks. a little overwhelmed, if I had typed it like I put on paper I would save the revision, You are right on all I just can't
put used in there. I'm going to write more of these story hope you review them you feedback is great I love it.
Comment from Melodie Michelle
EXCELLENT story however I would still suggest separating into paragraphs as it would be easier to read, more so than it all running together! I do see the difference however paragraphs are needed!!!
Otherwise EXCELLENT job and thank you so much for sharing;-)
Many blessings to you and your family;-)
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2021
|
EXCELLENT story however I would still suggest separating into paragraphs as it would be easier to read, more so than it all running together! I do see the difference however paragraphs are needed!!!
Otherwise EXCELLENT job and thank you so much for sharing;-)
Many blessings to you and your family;-)
Comment Written 24-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2021
-
Thank you so much, Melodie for a good review I also thought I should have used more breaks, but it's gone now,
I won't get excited about the girl.
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What do you mean it's gone now?
-
I sorry Melodie I thought it was gone but I did go back and edit hope it looks better if i had typedit the way i put on paper it would have been right,hope you look at it again.
