On the Edge of Deception
Viewing comments for Chapter 14 "On the Edge of Deception Pg 14"Mystery, Abuse and Crime
19 total reviews
Comment from dmt1967
This is your best chapter yet. I like the way you painted the scenes. I would have liked to be shown rather than told how scared 'Beth' was, though. Thank you for sharing and stay safe.
reply by the author on 23-Apr-2021
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This is your best chapter yet. I like the way you painted the scenes. I would have liked to be shown rather than told how scared 'Beth' was, though. Thank you for sharing and stay safe.
Comment Written 23-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 23-Apr-2021
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Wow - appreciate your kindness and the shiny stars. I hope you continue to find the same excitement in the other chapters. So much is yet to happen. Smiles and a big thank you - Carol
Comment from Mastery
Hi Carol. Good to see you are moving right along with your powerful story. Lots of intrigue throughout, like here.
"She hated driving the government car. Its presence in the neighborhood put everyone on edge, labeling her the bad guy. As she pulled to the curb, she could feel all the eyes giving her the once-over. When she reached the sidewalk, she could hear the murmurs, guessing why she would be there so early in the morning, assuming it wasn't good."
Good imagery here and there, like: "She shook her head in response. Out of the corner of her eye, she could see a police officer chatting with several people in the line. She didn't want to draw attention, so she moved toward the other end of the building."
Suggestions:
You do realize you really have no opening hook for this chapter, right?
I suggest you change this sentence: "Her heart was pounding wildly against her chest. TO (in her chest)
Good job. Bob
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2021
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Hi Carol. Good to see you are moving right along with your powerful story. Lots of intrigue throughout, like here.
"She hated driving the government car. Its presence in the neighborhood put everyone on edge, labeling her the bad guy. As she pulled to the curb, she could feel all the eyes giving her the once-over. When she reached the sidewalk, she could hear the murmurs, guessing why she would be there so early in the morning, assuming it wasn't good."
Good imagery here and there, like: "She shook her head in response. Out of the corner of her eye, she could see a police officer chatting with several people in the line. She didn't want to draw attention, so she moved toward the other end of the building."
Suggestions:
You do realize you really have no opening hook for this chapter, right?
I suggest you change this sentence: "Her heart was pounding wildly against her chest. TO (in her chest)
Good job. Bob
Comment Written 17-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2021
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Hi - Bob - Sorry for the delay but I was on my son's filming set all day yesterday.. it's crazy for an old lady, but seeing my son in action was something money will never be able to buy.
I'm glad you have read another chapter and found it to be a good story. As for the hook, I actually thought opening with the nightmare was the hook... So far, it's gone over exceptionally well. I did make the correction immediately with the heart. As always, I thank you. Smiles - Carol
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:) Bob
Comment from barbara.wilkey
Good! It was the right Bert. I am so hoping they can get together before any thing else happens to Beth. She needs good things in her life, not the bad anymore. I am looking for the next read.
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2021
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Good! It was the right Bert. I am so hoping they can get together before any thing else happens to Beth. She needs good things in her life, not the bad anymore. I am looking for the next read.
Comment Written 17-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2021
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Hi, Barbara - She's on the hunt and I hope she finds her before the police... we shall see. Thanks for reading and the thoughtful review. Smiles - Carol
Comment from --Turtle.
Looks like Beth and Bert missed paths, though Bert at least learns that the girl she'd come to check on coincided with being a girl she's been trying to find before others do, an ally perhaps... but fate keeping them in chase.
Nice use of them almost bumping into each other to play a little tension with the reader. Here we may root that Bert does find Beth, though... what will happen if she does get to Beth might not turn out as we hope.
My thoughts along the way:
cheeks and gagged at the smell of his 80-proof breath.
(a potent image of dream to keep the tension on Beth's troubles)
A faint light exposed the hallway[,] and a large red arrow with the word restrooms painted in white. (I think delete the comma if the light was exposing both the hallway and the arrow.)
She shivered and scanned the floor** for any other visitors.
(floor had an echo here)
"Would you like a muffin, dear? How about an orange or a banana?" The woman's smile was warm and inviting.
(is this woman behind a counter? or just standing near the basket. I couldn't place her location,... as the kitchen staff were more than one, and the use of The woman had a floating uncertainty) A woman behind the counter smiled, the gesture warm and inviting?
With no sighting of Maize, she moved {toward the door}. People were waking up and roaming around the room. Beth felt uncomfortable and {moved toward the door}. (Beth moves toward the door twice, gives a hiccup of motion here)
What if someone remembered her face? It was time to go!
(Build up of tension here. Beth is on the run again, but at least she had a safe sleep, if still troubled)
Bert wanted to get to the mission before going to work. She was dressed (Ah, I didn't realize Bert was a woman. I missed the gender pronoun or vocal cue, if you gave one last chapter.)
to stop. She called out for (someone named) Ethan to help her."
(or does Maize know this Ethan? using just Ethan made me wonder if Ethan is known to both Maize and Bert. )
"Beth, stay safe till I can catch up with you." She(Bert)? made the sign of the cross, whispered, "Amen.(,)" and pulled the car into traffic.
(typo here with the period)
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2021
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Looks like Beth and Bert missed paths, though Bert at least learns that the girl she'd come to check on coincided with being a girl she's been trying to find before others do, an ally perhaps... but fate keeping them in chase.
Nice use of them almost bumping into each other to play a little tension with the reader. Here we may root that Bert does find Beth, though... what will happen if she does get to Beth might not turn out as we hope.
My thoughts along the way:
cheeks and gagged at the smell of his 80-proof breath.
(a potent image of dream to keep the tension on Beth's troubles)
A faint light exposed the hallway[,] and a large red arrow with the word restrooms painted in white. (I think delete the comma if the light was exposing both the hallway and the arrow.)
She shivered and scanned the floor** for any other visitors.
(floor had an echo here)
"Would you like a muffin, dear? How about an orange or a banana?" The woman's smile was warm and inviting.
(is this woman behind a counter? or just standing near the basket. I couldn't place her location,... as the kitchen staff were more than one, and the use of The woman had a floating uncertainty) A woman behind the counter smiled, the gesture warm and inviting?
With no sighting of Maize, she moved {toward the door}. People were waking up and roaming around the room. Beth felt uncomfortable and {moved toward the door}. (Beth moves toward the door twice, gives a hiccup of motion here)
What if someone remembered her face? It was time to go!
(Build up of tension here. Beth is on the run again, but at least she had a safe sleep, if still troubled)
Bert wanted to get to the mission before going to work. She was dressed (Ah, I didn't realize Bert was a woman. I missed the gender pronoun or vocal cue, if you gave one last chapter.)
to stop. She called out for (someone named) Ethan to help her."
(or does Maize know this Ethan? using just Ethan made me wonder if Ethan is known to both Maize and Bert. )
"Beth, stay safe till I can catch up with you." She(Bert)? made the sign of the cross, whispered, "Amen.(,)" and pulled the car into traffic.
(typo here with the period)
Comment Written 17-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2021
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Thanks again - Everything you say makes sense to me after the fact. I appreciate your help. I made the changes and it does read better. Smiles - Carol
Comment from Ric Myworld
A race against time, which we can never control, always makes every story more exciting. And when it's someone's wellbeing that stands in the line of fire it ratchets up another notch. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2021
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A race against time, which we can never control, always makes every story more exciting. And when it's someone's wellbeing that stands in the line of fire it ratchets up another notch. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 17-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2021
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Hi! Sorry for my delay in getting back to you. I was on the film set all day and this morning I am stunned to see how many have read my stories. I am so appreciative that you are still reading and enjoying. I thank you.... Hope all is well. Smiles and hugs - Carol
Comment from Bluesatinbutterfly
Ya got me! At the very beginning of the story I thought it was real and Beth was in trouble! Then turns out to be a lady, thank goodness. I can't wait for the next gripping instalment.
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2021
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Ya got me! At the very beginning of the story I thought it was real and Beth was in trouble! Then turns out to be a lady, thank goodness. I can't wait for the next gripping instalment.
Comment Written 17-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2021
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Hurrah... I was hoping it was realistic enough so no one would know immediately... Bravo and especially fooling you! Thanks for the review. Smiles - Carol
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You really got me, well done.
Comment from lyenochka
Oh, she heard from Maize before she met with Ethan and Rachel. I hope our illustrious private investigator will have turned up something. Too bad she didn't stick around at the mission. I know - you needed to build the plot.
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2021
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Oh, she heard from Maize before she met with Ethan and Rachel. I hope our illustrious private investigator will have turned up something. Too bad she didn't stick around at the mission. I know - you needed to build the plot.
Comment Written 17-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2021
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Thanks for the laugh, Helen.... Yes, I needed to build the plot! I appreciate you reading and sticking with the story. Smiles - Carol
Comment from Iza Deleanu
Poor girl beaten, raped and alone running on the streets scared of her own shadow. Sleeping like a bunny ready to jump. Thank you for sharing and good luck with your writings.,
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2021
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Poor girl beaten, raped and alone running on the streets scared of her own shadow. Sleeping like a bunny ready to jump. Thank you for sharing and good luck with your writings.,
Comment Written 17-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2021
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Yes, beaten by her dad and raped by a stranger... can't imagine her trusting anyone. And then being betrayed by her only friend. Life has gotten unforgivably real. Smiles - Carol;
Comment from robyn corum
Carol,
Ugh. I forgot about Bert - the good 'guy'. Silly me. But I have to say I really thought Maize was spelled differently in the last chapter - or at least, in some places. Might want to double-check?
Good stuff!
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2021
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Carol,
Ugh. I forgot about Bert - the good 'guy'. Silly me. But I have to say I really thought Maize was spelled differently in the last chapter - or at least, in some places. Might want to double-check?
Good stuff!
Comment Written 16-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2021
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I did! I changed the spelling and then didn't do it everywhere. Thanks for catching that. thanks for reading and commenting. Smiles to you - Carol
Comment from Gert sherwood
On the Edge of Deception Pg 14
Hello Begin Again
You know how to keep one in suspense. I like the dialog and the way you made me wanting to read more.
Gert
g
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2021
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On the Edge of Deception Pg 14
Hello Begin Again
You know how to keep one in suspense. I like the dialog and the way you made me wanting to read more.
Gert
g
Comment Written 16-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2021
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Thanks so much Gert. I am thrilled that you continue to enjoy and follow the story. I appreciate your kindness. Smiles - Carol
