On the Edge of Deception
Viewing comments for Chapter 13 "On the Edge of Deception Pg 13"Mystery, Abuse and Crime
20 total reviews
Comment from Gabriella Smith
Wow, this was a pleasure to read! One day I hope I'll be able to write like this. :) How many pages are in this book? It's books like this I love to read.
Gabby
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2021
  |
Wow, this was a pleasure to read! One day I hope I'll be able to write like this. :) How many pages are in this book? It's books like this I love to read.
Gabby
Comment Written 18-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2021
-
Hi Gabby - Wow -- You floored me with your kind gesture this morning. So far I have written 16 chapters. If you would like to read them (don't feel obligated) but the story is riveting and changes from chapter to chapter. It's easy to find in my portfolio. i can't thank you enough for your kindness and awesome review. Smiles to you, Carol
Comment from karenina
I could have SWORN I read and reviewed this yesterday! This and the next chapter is when you replied I'd missed the beginning... (BOY HAD I!)--and I've pretty much spent Friday and this afternoon catching up...
Where oh where did my review go?
Well--at the risk it was a computer glitch and it's disappeared, let me just say that this chapter means SO MUCH MORE now that I've gone back to page 1 and fully immersed myself in this sea of mystery, crime, tragedy and deception...
If I was offered a million dollars I could not attempt a book...
Your skill set, blended with your incredible sense of putting your finger on the pulse of our world, is blending together to create one of the best stories I've had the good fortune to read since being here on FS...
And I've been here since 2007!
No six stars left! No worries...I'll catch up with ya, tomorrow when they reset!
Applause! You better OWN your talent my friend...
YOU have proven it and EARNED the accolades!
Karenina
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2021
 |
I could have SWORN I read and reviewed this yesterday! This and the next chapter is when you replied I'd missed the beginning... (BOY HAD I!)--and I've pretty much spent Friday and this afternoon catching up...
Where oh where did my review go?
Well--at the risk it was a computer glitch and it's disappeared, let me just say that this chapter means SO MUCH MORE now that I've gone back to page 1 and fully immersed myself in this sea of mystery, crime, tragedy and deception...
If I was offered a million dollars I could not attempt a book...
Your skill set, blended with your incredible sense of putting your finger on the pulse of our world, is blending together to create one of the best stories I've had the good fortune to read since being here on FS...
And I've been here since 2007!
No six stars left! No worries...I'll catch up with ya, tomorrow when they reset!
Applause! You better OWN your talent my friend...
YOU have proven it and EARNED the accolades!
Karenina
Comment Written 17-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2021
-
you are the very best, Karenina! you've touched my heart and my soul and helped me to believe in myself again. This morning when I talked to my cousin, Penny (she's a year older than me, had a stroke, and calls me at 6 am every morning) I was telling her about you and how wonderful you are. She said she hadn't heard me laugh like that in ages. Thank you for that! Smiles, Carol
-
Aw. That makes MY day! I think I'm just one of many reminding you how terrific you are! It's my honor!--Karenina
Comment from LJbutterfly
This is the first episode of this story I've read, and find it easy to understand even though I'm coming to it in the middle. Your detailed descriptions like, "Her withered brown face spoke of difficult times," helps the reader to visualize easily. There are levels of suspense. Where has Maize seen Beth before? I will keep reading.
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2021
|
This is the first episode of this story I've read, and find it easy to understand even though I'm coming to it in the middle. Your detailed descriptions like, "Her withered brown face spoke of difficult times," helps the reader to visualize easily. There are levels of suspense. Where has Maize seen Beth before? I will keep reading.
Comment Written 17-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2021
-
Hi - if you find time - reading the first chapters will give you a better in sight into the story, but it's not necessary. Maize remembers the face because Beth is a runaway accused of grand theft and assault on her own father. Not true, but people were eager to believe. She also was raped while on the streets. It's not been easy for her. I hope you will continue reading. Thank you - Carol
Comment from barbara.wilkey
I hope this is the same Bert who will help Beth. She needs a real friend. I am hoping Maize is that person too. I like this story. I look forward to reading. Thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2021
|
I hope this is the same Bert who will help Beth. She needs a real friend. I am hoping Maize is that person too. I like this story. I look forward to reading. Thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 17-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2021
-
Hi! Barbara Sorry for my delay in getting back to you. I was on the film set all day and this morning I am stunned to see how many have read my stories. I am so appreciative that you are still reading and enjoying. I thank you.... Hope all is well. Smiles and hugs - Carol
Comment from Ric Myworld
Well, as seems to be a habit for me, I get things out of order. But luckily, this chapter just get me back to how Beth ended up staying with Maize. LOL. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2021
|
Well, as seems to be a habit for me, I get things out of order. But luckily, this chapter just get me back to how Beth ended up staying with Maize. LOL. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 17-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2021
-
You are just so busy that you can't keep track of where you are, my friend. Thank you and sending you many smiles and hugs - Carol
Comment from --Turtle.
Hi, Carol,
I read this chapter and enjoyed, am aligning myself to the people and plot. This scene played out well, with me coming away understanding that Beth, in her distress and need, has stumbled into the helpful hands of Maize, perhaps an angel of the streets, who has taken Beth under her wing and called out for aide on Beth's behalf. I leave the chapter wondering if this help will add conflict or help Beth, and am going to the next scene with that hook in place.
Some of my thoughts along the way:
"I'm sorry." Beth let her head drop {down}(to her knees)?. "I was - it
(is her head dropping to her knees, or is her chin just dropping to her chest? I wasn't sure)
[']Embarrassed, Beth stuttered, "I ... I don't ... I don't have any money."
(stray punctuation?)
The drop-in center consisted of two large adjoining rooms. The walls
(This was a very strong paragraph, giving easy to see visuals)
eat all the food."
(Maize is quickly portrayed as a very likable woman. Gritty, soft, and kind... with a tough streak all in the same instant)
girl she had befriended. It wasn't the first time, nor would it be the last.
(narrator voice is effective in quickly aligning what is happening, allowing for the scene transition without confusion)
"I can't take your bed, Maize. I can sleep on the floor or in a chair." {Beth protested when Maize told her to sleep on the cot.}
(the action beat feels more like possibly a missplaced dialogue tag. Not sure, as this is up to you, but I figured to offer the suggestion:
"I can't take your bed, Maize," Beth protested when Maize told her to sleep on the cot. "I can sleep on the floor or in a chair."
She pulled the thin army blanket over Beth and realized the young girl
(I think this uses the floating pov well to transition from Beth being out of it to still be with Maize to notice Beth had already fallen asleep)
"Nah, she's out for the count. First thing in the morning oughtta be
(Things I'm taking away from what I'm reading, Maize is a rescuer, and though ... as I've not caught all story aspects, this might not be something Beth wants, it might be something she needs, so long as it doesn't land the poor girl in jail. It raises my curiosity of what will happen when the person she calls comes.)
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2021
|
Hi, Carol,
I read this chapter and enjoyed, am aligning myself to the people and plot. This scene played out well, with me coming away understanding that Beth, in her distress and need, has stumbled into the helpful hands of Maize, perhaps an angel of the streets, who has taken Beth under her wing and called out for aide on Beth's behalf. I leave the chapter wondering if this help will add conflict or help Beth, and am going to the next scene with that hook in place.
Some of my thoughts along the way:
"I'm sorry." Beth let her head drop {down}(to her knees)?. "I was - it
(is her head dropping to her knees, or is her chin just dropping to her chest? I wasn't sure)
[']Embarrassed, Beth stuttered, "I ... I don't ... I don't have any money."
(stray punctuation?)
The drop-in center consisted of two large adjoining rooms. The walls
(This was a very strong paragraph, giving easy to see visuals)
eat all the food."
(Maize is quickly portrayed as a very likable woman. Gritty, soft, and kind... with a tough streak all in the same instant)
girl she had befriended. It wasn't the first time, nor would it be the last.
(narrator voice is effective in quickly aligning what is happening, allowing for the scene transition without confusion)
"I can't take your bed, Maize. I can sleep on the floor or in a chair." {Beth protested when Maize told her to sleep on the cot.}
(the action beat feels more like possibly a missplaced dialogue tag. Not sure, as this is up to you, but I figured to offer the suggestion:
"I can't take your bed, Maize," Beth protested when Maize told her to sleep on the cot. "I can sleep on the floor or in a chair."
She pulled the thin army blanket over Beth and realized the young girl
(I think this uses the floating pov well to transition from Beth being out of it to still be with Maize to notice Beth had already fallen asleep)
"Nah, she's out for the count. First thing in the morning oughtta be
(Things I'm taking away from what I'm reading, Maize is a rescuer, and though ... as I've not caught all story aspects, this might not be something Beth wants, it might be something she needs, so long as it doesn't land the poor girl in jail. It raises my curiosity of what will happen when the person she calls comes.)
Comment Written 17-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2021
-
I love how you are telling me the good parts as well as the mistakes and why you think so. Turtle, you are the best. I don't often get anyone reviewing my work like you do and it really helps me understand what might be wrong and why you think what I did was right. Awesome - Carol
Comment from Bluesatinbutterfly
As ever, very interesting storyline. Is Maize a goody or a baddie? I am very unsure at this point. I hope she's a goody, but I am not betting on it. Thank you.
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2021
|
As ever, very interesting storyline. Is Maize a goody or a baddie? I am very unsure at this point. I hope she's a goody, but I am not betting on it. Thank you.
Comment Written 17-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2021
-
Maize is a goody especially when it comes to the you kids like Beth. She has the hotline right to Bert. Smiles - Carol
-
We like Maize a lot. I am having a leetle problem with her name however. I would have called her Maisie because Maize makes me think of a grain. That's probably just the Scot/English venacular.
Comment from Iza Deleanu
The girl us safe for now. Involuntarily she landed at the right place in fgs the right time. Thank you for sharing and good luck with your writings and the next chapter.
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2021
|
The girl us safe for now. Involuntarily she landed at the right place in fgs the right time. Thank you for sharing and good luck with your writings and the next chapter.
Comment Written 17-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2021
-
For now... but it's a temporary reprieve I fear. Thanks for stopping by and leaving me a kind review. Smiles - Carol
Comment from royowen
I wonder what Maize is up to, And who is Bert? I wonder what happened for her to finish up in the street, what's going to happen to her. After her cunning, but violent father has twisted the story in making poor Beth homeless, well done, blessings Roy
Typo : she's got (a) tough hide.
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2021
|
I wonder what Maize is up to, And who is Bert? I wonder what happened for her to finish up in the street, what's going to happen to her. After her cunning, but violent father has twisted the story in making poor Beth homeless, well done, blessings Roy
Typo : she's got (a) tough hide.
Comment Written 16-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2021
-
Hi, Roy - Thanks for continuing to follow and review my story. I greatly appreciate your time and your comments. Bert is a caseworker for DCFS and was on the case in the beginning when Beth's mother was killed. Her father I promise will be taken care of...not soon enough though. Smiles to you - Carol
-
Well done
Comment from robyn corum
Carol,
Yikes! I thought we were onto something good but you're left us on another cliff-hanger, waiting to see if Maze is gonna be a good girl or something else entirely. Thanks - nice!
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2021
|
Carol,
Yikes! I thought we were onto something good but you're left us on another cliff-hanger, waiting to see if Maze is gonna be a good girl or something else entirely. Thanks - nice!
Comment Written 16-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2021
-
Cliff hangers my middle name. LOL Thanks, Robyn for continuing to follow and review. I am glad that you are enjoying the story. Smiles - Carol
