On the Edge of Deception
Viewing comments for Chapter 12 "On the Edge of Deception - Pg12"Mystery, Abuse and Crime
17 total reviews
Comment from karenina
Oh the seedy underbelly of society....
Diseases, germs and crimes love to breed in dark places...
Like rape, and illicit drugs, and to easily acquired drugs...
The adrenalin rush of easy money at any cost to anyone but the perpetrator!
I've missed knowing how Beth is doing...
Which (again, skilled writing) is only heightening my interest in the REST of the story as it plays out.
Poor Jesse. (NOT!)---
I've become a reading vigilante!
Karenina
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2021
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Oh the seedy underbelly of society....
Diseases, germs and crimes love to breed in dark places...
Like rape, and illicit drugs, and to easily acquired drugs...
The adrenalin rush of easy money at any cost to anyone but the perpetrator!
I've missed knowing how Beth is doing...
Which (again, skilled writing) is only heightening my interest in the REST of the story as it plays out.
Poor Jesse. (NOT!)---
I've become a reading vigilante!
Karenina
Comment Written 17-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2021
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Yes, Jesse got what he had coming... I wouldn't wish death on anyone but his actions just forced my fingers to perpetrated his demise. LOl
one down!!! Smiles, Carol
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Can't write a crime novel without a little bloodshed. At least it was one of the bad guys! --Karenina
Comment from dmt1967
This is another great chapter. It was well written and showed more than it told. This is one of your better chapters as I felt myself getting lost within the pages, so to speak. Thank you for sharing and stay safe.
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2021
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This is another great chapter. It was well written and showed more than it told. This is one of your better chapters as I felt myself getting lost within the pages, so to speak. Thank you for sharing and stay safe.
Comment Written 14-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2021
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I certainly appreciate your kindness. I've had good and bad reviews on the necessity of this chapter, but to me it was right. I appreciate your reading and liking it. Smiles, Carol
Comment from eliz100
This is another great installment. It kept my interest from beginning to end. I am wondering about Beth. I continue to enjoy your use of space. I do not see any room for imprevement.
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2021
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This is another great installment. It kept my interest from beginning to end. I am wondering about Beth. I continue to enjoy your use of space. I do not see any room for imprevement.
Comment Written 12-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2021
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Thank you so much. I am writing and writing about poor Beth at this very moment. Wondering where her next step or mis-step will lead her. Thanks for reviewing and for asking about the lost child. Smiles to you. Carol
Comment from --Turtle.
Hi, Carol,
I read through this chapter. Fast pace and a scene with lots going down. The pov shifts from one person to the next, which sometimes I wasn't sure who I was with, but had a stable consistency with the changeovers.
A few thoughts I had along the way.
The Dispatcher nodded [her head] and continued to monitor the radio.
(not sure if you need 'her head' because nodding involves a specific head movement)
His bedside phone continued to ring. He swung his legs off the edge of {the bed}(his mattress) and answered, "Hello, Nate Rotello speaking."
(wondered if bed was echoing, if mattress would help with the echo)
"I'll transfer you to his phone. One moment, please."
(Ha! the one moment please made me chuckle... because it gives the feel like HE called her... though it was the other way around)
251. The vehicle(')s loaded with oxycontin. Know anything about that?"
(typo)
"Okay. Sure hope Halsted is okay."
(Not so much... I'm thinking. Poor Halsted.)
shook his head, "If those drugs had made it to the streets -"
(there'd have been a lot of money exchanging hands, but someone saw a stop to that. Hijack thwarted? By who or why... the police are uncertain.)
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2021
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Hi, Carol,
I read through this chapter. Fast pace and a scene with lots going down. The pov shifts from one person to the next, which sometimes I wasn't sure who I was with, but had a stable consistency with the changeovers.
A few thoughts I had along the way.
The Dispatcher nodded [her head] and continued to monitor the radio.
(not sure if you need 'her head' because nodding involves a specific head movement)
His bedside phone continued to ring. He swung his legs off the edge of {the bed}(his mattress) and answered, "Hello, Nate Rotello speaking."
(wondered if bed was echoing, if mattress would help with the echo)
"I'll transfer you to his phone. One moment, please."
(Ha! the one moment please made me chuckle... because it gives the feel like HE called her... though it was the other way around)
251. The vehicle(')s loaded with oxycontin. Know anything about that?"
(typo)
"Okay. Sure hope Halsted is okay."
(Not so much... I'm thinking. Poor Halsted.)
shook his head, "If those drugs had made it to the streets -"
(there'd have been a lot of money exchanging hands, but someone saw a stop to that. Hijack thwarted? By who or why... the police are uncertain.)
Comment Written 11-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2021
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Your thoughts were greatly appreciated because I was just trying to pared it down some. I changed with your suggestions, except the last - I'm not sure what you are saying. It was a drug company making a delivery and the hijackers stole the drugs...It went awry and the driver plus two hijackers were killed. A unsuspecting drunk had an accident without knowing the drugs were in the vehicle. (All this was in Page 11.) Now did I clear it up or does something still need to be changed? Nice to see you - Smiles - Carol
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Ah, there was no suggestion in the last part. I was thinking the dead bodies were done by a third party. I think the others dying by gunshot gave me a feeling a third party was involved. I think I mistook that the drugs were inside the drunk guys car, but now I'm not sure why I thought that.
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they are - He was drunk in the backseat when his friends pulled the heist. They got shot and he sped away, crashing down the highway. So you were right!
Comment from Judy Lawless
Oh, what a tangled web! I think I see where you're going, but I wait to see. This is another excellent chapter, with lots of detail to sort through. Looking forward to the next one.
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2021
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Oh, what a tangled web! I think I see where you're going, but I wait to see. This is another excellent chapter, with lots of detail to sort through. Looking forward to the next one.
Comment Written 11-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2021
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I can't tell you how much your kindness and shiny stars mean to me. I wasn't sure if it was coming across right or not. I tried to keep everything to a minimum, but it's a crime scene and things need to be followed through. Tyson is in a coma and the only witness to a crime he will be accused of being involved in...good luck with that one. Ethan will feel responsible and Beth is still wandering the streets. I need to get busy I guess. Thank you again. You are awesome. Smiles - Carol
Comment from lyenochka
That's a lot of frenzied dialogue here. I could almost hear the squawk of the radio calls. I wonder why they didn't check Tyson's cell phone - that would show Evan's call. Hopefully, the will realize that he has nothing to do with all this. Hope the truck driver is okay. I thought he drove off.
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2021
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That's a lot of frenzied dialogue here. I could almost hear the squawk of the radio calls. I wonder why they didn't check Tyson's cell phone - that would show Evan's call. Hopefully, the will realize that he has nothing to do with all this. Hope the truck driver is okay. I thought he drove off.
Comment Written 11-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2021
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It was Tyson who drove away.... He probably doesn't remember much if he even comes out of the coma... I'm not sure what will happen to our young man. Thanks for the review, Helen. Smiles and hugs - Carol
Comment from Raffaelina Lowcock
The people we know, we do not always know. Now Tyson, who isn't all that worthy, will find himself embroiled in a hijacking that he had nothing to do with. Yes, be careful who you know.
Ralf
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2021
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The people we know, we do not always know. Now Tyson, who isn't all that worthy, will find himself embroiled in a hijacking that he had nothing to do with. Yes, be careful who you know.
Ralf
Comment Written 11-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2021
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Yes, if he makes it through, he will be the only witness to the crime ...that is if he can remember it. The friends we keep can often lead us where we never meant to travel. Smiles to you - Carol
Comment from Mastery
Hi my friend. You have done a splendid job with this chapter, but I think you are trying too hard or something like that. The result is you are still overwriting (like exaggerating a bit when you are attempting to use detail.) Using detail is great, but you have to learn the fine art of knowing when it is too much.
Are you going into that quiet place and reading it OUT LOUD BEFORE YOU POST? I think not, Carol. Sorry. If you did that you would spare yourself so much trouble.. Trust me, please?.
In a scene like this one you need not be so technical with all of those numbers that you have included to convey communications between the m dispatcher and cop cars. Why? Not needed. (See my chapter called "Chicago Code 110) to see how I did it and compare that to yours, my friend. See the differences and try that. I would redo all of that, were it me.
Your storyline is still great and so is the dialogue and imagery. Keep at it, Carol. You haven the talented pen in your hand. Bob
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2021
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Hi my friend. You have done a splendid job with this chapter, but I think you are trying too hard or something like that. The result is you are still overwriting (like exaggerating a bit when you are attempting to use detail.) Using detail is great, but you have to learn the fine art of knowing when it is too much.
Are you going into that quiet place and reading it OUT LOUD BEFORE YOU POST? I think not, Carol. Sorry. If you did that you would spare yourself so much trouble.. Trust me, please?.
In a scene like this one you need not be so technical with all of those numbers that you have included to convey communications between the m dispatcher and cop cars. Why? Not needed. (See my chapter called "Chicago Code 110) to see how I did it and compare that to yours, my friend. See the differences and try that. I would redo all of that, were it me.
Your storyline is still great and so is the dialogue and imagery. Keep at it, Carol. You haven the talented pen in your hand. Bob
Comment Written 11-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2021
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When I read your stories I am attracted to the descriptions you use, but then you say I do too much. I am alone and I do read it out loud, but maybe I'm not sure of what I'm supposed to hear. I've paired it down some and I will go over it again. Thank you for your thoughts and your help. I used the radio call because my brain was scrambling for the hook you wanted - but I made it smaller. I can't write like you do, but I am trying to use your pointers to fine tune my own style. I appreciate you as always. Smiles - Carol
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Hi Carol. I will be more specific with the way to do that by using some examples of your writing versus doing it less, OKay?
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Thanks
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I'm sorry carrol. I feel bad if you don't think you can recognize good writing when yu hear it or see it.?? are you reading it OUT LOUD? If you can't do that I fear I won't be able to help you. (: Bob
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For what specifically, my friend? Bob
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Ouch! I can recognize good writing and I believe I do write good, not perfect but good. I have tried every suggestion and failed at some. I know I am wordy and I have pared it down. Reading it out loud doesn't change what my head hears or thinks. I'm sorry that I bothered you will all this. I appreciate what you have tried to do. Thanks
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Please don't be like this Carol. All I am saying is anyone who reads a page of their writing will either leave it as is or try to make it better. don't you agree?
I have not asked you to try to be as good or bad as me...my goodness.
I've not looked at our relationship like that. Just read tha tpart back to yourself and see how it comes across This: "I know I'm not as good as you are at writing" How can I take that, my friend? You started out great, then because you cannot get what I am trying to tell you, you want to throw stones? Bob
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Oh that was never meant as throwing stones - that was an honest true heartfelt feeling. You are confident and your writing is smooth and compelling. That's all I was trying to say. Apologies if you thought differently.
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Quite honestly. I am at a loss. I don't know what you expect of me when I can only suggest? Bob
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Thank you for all your time and patience.
Comment from Susan Newell
The story is moving right along and holding my interest while suspense builds, though I'm having a little trouble keeping track of all the cops, probably from reading in pieces, with much else in between. Edits at the beginning helped. Just a couple writing things:
Best to use ellipsis rather than hyphens for trailing off speech.
you in his office a.s.a.p. -- I think ASAP is preferred.
I'm looking forward to the next installment.
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2021
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The story is moving right along and holding my interest while suspense builds, though I'm having a little trouble keeping track of all the cops, probably from reading in pieces, with much else in between. Edits at the beginning helped. Just a couple writing things:
Best to use ellipsis rather than hyphens for trailing off speech.
you in his office a.s.a.p. -- I think ASAP is preferred.
I'm looking forward to the next installment.
Comment Written 11-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2021
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Thanks, Susan. I'll make those corrections and as always I appreciate your input. I thought the hyphens showed an interruption in the line of speech, but I'm probably wrong. I will check it out. Thanks again = Smiles from little old lady me....Carol
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You're welcome . . . From little old lady, me!
Comment from barbara.wilkey
Tyson is mostly innocent. He's only guilty of being drunk and stupid in a no stupid zone. I doubt he remembers enough of what happened to help anybody or help himself. I can't wait for more.
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2021
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Tyson is mostly innocent. He's only guilty of being drunk and stupid in a no stupid zone. I doubt he remembers enough of what happened to help anybody or help himself. I can't wait for more.
Comment Written 11-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2021
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I think the startling fear at the moment of shooting might give him glimpses, but not enough to save him. Only good investigation and luck will probably do that. Thanks for the review. Smiles - Carol
