Comment from Sugarray77

Excellent

I hope you do not mind that I try to play catch up. My garden and Garden Club have occupied a large portion of my time lately. This is a wonderful story and I am glad that you are continuing to post them. :)

Melissa

 Comment Written 25-Apr-2021

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reply by the author on 25-Apr-2021

I see you are burning the candle at both ends of the watering can. Lol. By all means play catchup with the story but please do not feel a need to review every chapter once the moneys gone. Mind you anything you say is appreciated.

Comment from robyn corum

Excellent

Jim,

By the time I got to your notes, I smiled. And breathed a great sigh of relief. I was afraid you were thinking you'd been around enough Americans to know how they behaved. I had automatically shared my thoughts - of course. hahaha

This was a cool chapter - glad our boy is getting the recognition he deserves.

Notes:
1.) I reckon that there organising committee were, proper glad when you come along wanting to set up an art stall.
--> no comma

2.) (S)haking his head, old Jonah wandered off in the direction of the beer tent.

3.) with the whiskers, that be Sir Harry Mortimer Bart.,' said the lad,
--> delete the full stop after 'Bart' - right?

4.) Sir Harry's youngest sister, Jesse, together with her Californian husband, publisher, Gerald Finch, and their eight(-)year(-)old daughter, Lorna,
--> you do this later, so you should do this now for consistency

5.) 'Jeez, Mom! It's the Hall sure enough!
--> I don't think this style of language would be appropriate to your time period. Kids started using this euphemism freely around the 50s here. See website below...
https://www.collinsdictionary.com/us/dictionary/english/jeez
--> AND any very rich American family would probably have really put on major airs, actually. Prim proper, stiff, not touching anything, looking down on everyone (esp the little girl.) I can see the dad or mom saying Hey, angel here's the hall where we're staying! Wouldn't you like to have that as a souvenir for back home? And the daughter turning her head away. You know that kind of thing.

6.) 'Hey d'you hear that, Jesse honey? Jericho Farm.
--> then who was the Sarah mentioned earlier? (See:)
--> The tour always took some time, since Sir Harry or Lady Sarah invariably spoke to each stall-holder.

Thanks - got one more to catch up on --

 Comment Written 08-Apr-2021

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reply by the author on 08-Apr-2021

Thank you for this detailed and helpful review. I know we are not supposed to 'defend' but you did ask in point (3): '3.) with the whiskers, that be Sir Harry Mortimer Bart.,' said the lad,
--> delete the full stop after 'Bart' - right?'

Well no, actually, not right. The period after
Bart denotes a contraction Bart. being a contraction of Baronet.

My authority in this case is 'A treatise on English Punctuation' that I found on the web. The example shows the use of a period followed by a comma. The comma being used as in a list:

'printed from the text of Geo. Stevens, Esq., and Edw. Malone, Esq.'

Esq. being a contraction of Esquire.

Particularly helpful was your item (5). But this leaves me with a problem, as I need to paint Lorna as a brat - she's going to stick her tongue out later - not because she's American, but because she's a precocious little brat! I am going to have to think seriously about this and how to reproduce the American accent in print. I may have to go out of period in order to do that. My technique with English accents is to base them on a few dialect words and to avoid both modifying vowel sounds and a snowstorm of apostrophes.

Pam (Respa) sent me a video of various Americans reading their poems so I could listen to the sounds of American voices but of course that was very formal. I wanna catch y'all with ya pants down - huh!

reply by robyn corum on 08-Apr-2021

I think that would still work. The child is being raised to be a perfect angel by her parents, esp mom. So while under mom's watchful eye (and whenever she would deem it appropriate herself, the brat would act rich and above everyone else and like moving her skirt and shoes away from the 'filth' of these regular people. She would not hesitate to say what she thinks either - even though her mom and dad would try to smooth things over. ' -cough-cough- Oh, you'll have to forgive her, she's not used to this sort of environment.'

BUT, she is also still an 8yo. So when it pleases her she could still stick out her tongue or throw a rock or whatever, but if mom looks or someone accuses her of it, she would deny it with her last breath and mom would absolutely believe it, because she does behave so perfectly.

These girls are raised for cotillions and taught the language of fans, you know.

reply by robyn corum on 08-Apr-2021

I think that would still work. The child is being raised to be a perfect angel by her parents, esp mom. So while under mom's watchful eye (and whenever she would deem it appropriate herself, the brat would act rich and above everyone else and like moving her skirt and shoes away from the 'filth' of these regular people. She would not hesitate to say what she thinks either - even though her mom and dad would try to smooth things over. ' -cough-cough- Oh, you'll have to forgive her, she's not used to this sort of environment.'

BUT, she is also still an 8yo. So when it pleases her she could still stick out her tongue or throw a rock or whatever, but if mom looks or someone accuses her of it, she would deny it with her last breath and mom would absolutely believe it, because she does behave so perfectly.

These girls are raised for cotillions and taught the language of fans, you know.

reply by robyn corum on 08-Apr-2021

I think that would still work. The child is being raised to be a perfect angel by her parents, esp mom. So while under mom's watchful eye (and whenever she would deem it appropriate herself, the brat would act rich and above everyone else and like moving her skirt and shoes away from the 'filth' of these regular people. She would not hesitate to say what she thinks either - even though her mom and dad would try to smooth things over. ' -cough-cough- Oh, you'll have to forgive her, she's not used to this sort of environment.'

BUT, she is also still an 8yo. So when it pleases her she could still stick out her tongue or throw a rock or whatever, but if mom looks or someone accuses her of it, she would deny it with her last breath and mom would absolutely believe it, because she does behave so perfectly.

These girls are raised for cotillions and taught the language of fans, you know.

Comment from Sanku

Excellent

That was a lovely trip through the fairgrounds. I didnt realise Henchard auctioning off his wife in a drunken stupor in Mayor of Casterbridge was regular affair in those days. I thought it was Hardy's characterisation thought I did wonder if it was legal.
Sir Mortimer's arrival was also amusing to read. Jeff has new doors opening for him with a letter arriving Jeff and possibly a hint of future romance.

 Comment Written 08-Apr-2021

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reply by the author on 08-Apr-2021

I don't suppose wife trading was legal strictly speaking but who would police laws like that back then. Set Google to work on 'Wife Selling' and you might be surprised what it turns up. Wikipedia provides a good overview. It certainly wasn't a product of Hardy's imagination.

Comment from Pearl Edwards

Excellent

It was easy to form a picture of the fair and Jack's hope that he'd sell some of his art. I could see little Lorna as a bit of a brat too with your descriptions. Another good chapter Jim,
cheers,
valda

 Comment Written 08-Apr-2021

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reply by the author on 08-Apr-2021

Thank you for this supportive review.

Comment from Pam (respa)

Excellent

-I like the artwork and
the story is very interesting.
-I'll try to help out with any
suggestions regarding 'Americanisms!'
-You describe the fair very well, and
make us feel like we are there,
going from booth to booth. I would have
been interested in the artwork of Jack, too.
-A good way to introduce new characters,
especially ones from American.
-You are the second person from the UK
to use the name Lorna for a character,
the other, Sandra. Lorna was my mother's name.
I wonder if it is a popular one over there?
-It sounds like Jack might be embarking
on a new career! He was in the right place
at the right time.
-In this paragraph, you used 'year' 3 times.
-I would make a new paragraph with
"Jack used the other material..."

 Comment Written 07-Apr-2021

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reply by the author on 08-Apr-2021

I really can't remember why I chose the name Lorna. It just came into my head back in 1992 when I created the character in the first draft. I have not heard it much recently but I think it has been perennially fairly popular. Thanks for the heads up on the triple use of 'year's.

reply by Pam (respa) on 08-Apr-2021

You are welcome, and thanks for the reply.

Comment from Elizabeth Emerald

Excellent

Re US dialect--I don't know about California in 1933--I'll hazard a guess that 'tis and 'o would be better rendered "it is" and "of" and "lookee here" would be just "look" and sugg: omit "why" before "I'll remember this day all of my life."

underway is one word (in US. In UK?)

All eyes turned towards Jack's stall, and he ducked down to adjust his picture display dissociating himself from the young couple, now scarlet with embarrassment. (Is jack the one embarrassed? If so, sugg:)

All eyes turned towards Jack's stall. Scarlet with embarrassment, he ducked down to adjust his picture display dissociating himself from the young couple.

 Comment Written 07-Apr-2021

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reply by the author on 07-Apr-2021

Thank you for your contribution to the accent question. There has been an interesting (for me) response to my plea.

I will address the confusion over the embarrassment when I am properly awake. Thank you for that.

As for under way as a single word, I have never seen that, probably because we don't use it as an adjective much, more as an adverb when, the dictionaries tell me, it should be two words. Lol.

Thank you for your review anyway, which was much appreciated as always.

Comment from Bluesatinbutterfly

Excellent

I'm afraid I can't help you with the American idiosyncrasies, but as far as I am concerned this is a jolly good read, paced well with great characterisation.

 Comment Written 06-Apr-2021

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reply by the author on 06-Apr-2021

Thank you very much I have had some help and lots of encouragement, like I got from reading your review, for which many thanks.

reply by Bluesatinbutterfly on 06-Apr-2021

It was my pleasure.

Comment from lyenochka

Excellent

Oh, I'm wondering if Lorna and Jack will get together sometime in the future. It seems now that Tommy no longer needs to worry about Jack's future career! Enjoyed your dialogues here.

Comment/Question/Typo:
into profit by putting theit (their)
friend had fetcher her over from his place (fetched?)

 Comment Written 06-Apr-2021

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reply by the author on 06-Apr-2021

But remember the date. Something called WW2 is only six years away and that proved something of a game-changer for a lot of folk.

Thank you very much for the kind review. I will sort those typos out when I am properly awake.

Comment from Sharon Davis

Excellent

An intriguing chapter with a cliffhanger ending regarding how the art stall at the fair will advance Jack's livelihood and connect the Americans to their past. Well written.

 Comment Written 05-Apr-2021

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reply by the author on 06-Apr-2021

Thank you for this supportive review. We will get a chance to read that letter on Wednesday.

Comment from Ulla

Excellent

Hi Jim, this is a great chapter and continuation to the story. Young jack is having some progress with his art albeit slowly. But now his luck seems to be turning with the American married to the English woman. Now, I'm half American. I talk to my American brother every week. I have travelled to America most of my life, but I will leave it to our American writers, to guide you on the language used. I grew up in Denmark, hence English became my second language, as you know. But I think you defended yourself quite well in this chapter. I mean with American side of it. Ulla:)))

 Comment Written 05-Apr-2021

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reply by the author on 05-Apr-2021

Thank you so much for this review. I have had some interesting advice on the accent thing.