The Spirit of the Wind
Viewing comments for Chapter 32 "Follow the River"Newylwed homesteader Jane becomes a widow
13 total reviews
Comment from Ben Colder
You, as always let the reader fell the character's pain and moment of despair. A very rare talent found among most writers and for sure here on Fan Story.
I applauded you for a job well done.
Now we shall see if friend or foe.
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2021
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You, as always let the reader fell the character's pain and moment of despair. A very rare talent found among most writers and for sure here on Fan Story.
I applauded you for a job well done.
Now we shall see if friend or foe.
Comment Written 04-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2021
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Thanks brother.
Comment from Mistydawn
What a fantastic chapter. It's so well-written, descriptive that I felt like I was there. The suspense of it all had me on the edge of my seat. I'm so glad Jane made it out of that alive. I can only hope that she can make it out of this too.
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2021
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What a fantastic chapter. It's so well-written, descriptive that I felt like I was there. The suspense of it all had me on the edge of my seat. I'm so glad Jane made it out of that alive. I can only hope that she can make it out of this too.
Comment Written 02-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2021
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I forgot to thank you again for this. Forgive my belated response.
Comment from Rdfrdmom2
forestport:
I could almost feel the atmosphere surrounding Jane as well as the fear brought on by so many different elements: weather, Indians, black bears, gnats, and now soldiers. I can't wait to read what happens next.
Rdfrdmom2
reply by the author on 03-Apr-2021
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forestport:
I could almost feel the atmosphere surrounding Jane as well as the fear brought on by so many different elements: weather, Indians, black bears, gnats, and now soldiers. I can't wait to read what happens next.
Rdfrdmom2
Comment Written 01-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 03-Apr-2021
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Thanks for the vote of confidence. Happy Easter.
Comment from Mastery
Hi Stan. I like the continuation here. It is well done overall.
Some fine writing too, like: "She stumbled along, following the pinprick of light until it appeared as a flickering fire, and then she clearly saw a flaming tongue licking the sky of a clearing beneath a host of stars bright as silver trinkets."
Suggestions: " when her legs caved again." Change to: "when her legs "gave out"
And: Rewrite this perhaps: "As the men lay in a circle with their saddles for a pillow, they passed a bottle. She hoped to wait long enough for them to get sloshed and steal some food, and maybe a horse. Icy air settled into the forest floor, building a wall of fog between her and the men.
To: "As the men lay in a circle, using their saddles for pillows, they passed a jug of whiskey. She would long enough for them to get drunk, and then steal a horse and some hardtack. Ice-cold air invaded the floor of the forest, creating a wall of fog between herself and the men.
Sorry, I have no sixes left already, my friend. (spend thrift I am.) Bob
reply by the author on 03-Apr-2021
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Hi Stan. I like the continuation here. It is well done overall.
Some fine writing too, like: "She stumbled along, following the pinprick of light until it appeared as a flickering fire, and then she clearly saw a flaming tongue licking the sky of a clearing beneath a host of stars bright as silver trinkets."
Suggestions: " when her legs caved again." Change to: "when her legs "gave out"
And: Rewrite this perhaps: "As the men lay in a circle with their saddles for a pillow, they passed a bottle. She hoped to wait long enough for them to get sloshed and steal some food, and maybe a horse. Icy air settled into the forest floor, building a wall of fog between her and the men.
To: "As the men lay in a circle, using their saddles for pillows, they passed a jug of whiskey. She would long enough for them to get drunk, and then steal a horse and some hardtack. Ice-cold air invaded the floor of the forest, creating a wall of fog between herself and the men.
Sorry, I have no sixes left already, my friend. (spend thrift I am.) Bob
Comment Written 30-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 03-Apr-2021
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Thanks for everything Bob. Happy Easter.
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Same to you dear friend. Bob
Comment from Robert Zimmerman
Hi Stan.
Your description of Jane recovering and moving after the fall is outstanding. As I have said before, to me your descriptives are "verbal/visuals" and carry the story so the reader can easily see the events.
Your details in the descriptions are outstanding.
Robert
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2021
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Hi Stan.
Your description of Jane recovering and moving after the fall is outstanding. As I have said before, to me your descriptives are "verbal/visuals" and carry the story so the reader can easily see the events.
Your details in the descriptions are outstanding.
Robert
Comment Written 30-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2021
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Thanks again for this input from the other week or so.
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You're welcome.
Comment from robyn corum
Stan,
Nice job. This was a really scary and yucky post for our girl. She's now completely on her own and at the mercy of the forest and her own wiles. It's sad that she has found humans but can't be sure she can trust them. --sigh--
Notes:
1.) Jane crawled into what looked like an abandoned bear(')s den from the
2.) Crawling out she took a broke(n) branch,
3.) enough to crawl into the uprooted tree(')s cavernous space
4.) She spooked a deer chewing on a leaf, sen(t) the animal scampering through the woods
Good job. Thanks!
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2021
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Stan,
Nice job. This was a really scary and yucky post for our girl. She's now completely on her own and at the mercy of the forest and her own wiles. It's sad that she has found humans but can't be sure she can trust them. --sigh--
Notes:
1.) Jane crawled into what looked like an abandoned bear(')s den from the
2.) Crawling out she took a broke(n) branch,
3.) enough to crawl into the uprooted tree(')s cavernous space
4.) She spooked a deer chewing on a leaf, sen(t) the animal scampering through the woods
Good job. Thanks!
Comment Written 30-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2021
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More work. Always appreciated. Blessings between the bookends!
Comment from BethShelby
What an ordeal, this poor lady is enduring. Jane is courageous and has a will to live. I home these soldiers are someone she can trust and that she doesn't get herself into another horrible situation. I love your story. You are an excellent writer.
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2021
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What an ordeal, this poor lady is enduring. Jane is courageous and has a will to live. I home these soldiers are someone she can trust and that she doesn't get herself into another horrible situation. I love your story. You are an excellent writer.
Comment Written 30-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2021
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Thanks, as always for your faithful encouragement and shinning a bright light on this tale of a woman's faith and courage.
Comment from CrystieCookie999
Great action and believable reactions. Most of us have no idea what it would be like to walk for miles in the wilderness.
I enjoy reading your writing.
Little fixes:
As she stumbled down the mountain, her muscles cramped and forced her to fall over writhing in pain.
Add comma after to fall over
But as soon as she stood she was light-headed with blurred vision.
I would put a comma after stood
Every snap of a twig in the woods or bird call brought a prickly fear to her beleaguered beating heart.
I would put a comma after beleaguered
Jane crawled into what looked like an abandoned bears den from the uplifted root of a deadfall tree.
Add an apostrophe: bear's den
Crawling out she took a broke branch, combing away her tracks until she felt safe enough to crawl into the uprooted trees cavernous space where she tucked herself into its surprising warmth.
Try:
Crawling out, she took a broken branch, combing away her tracks until she felt safe enough to crawl into the uprooted trees' cavernous space, where she tucked herself into its surprising warmth.
Despite the gnawing pain of her empty stomach, Her eyelids fell like steel trap doors where sleep brought its own escape from the realities of her desperate plight.
un-capitalize her eyelids
I would add a comma after steel trap doors
I think I would change 'spongey' to spongy on the description there next.
The bugs were relentless, sometimes flying past her parched lips and into her dry mouth or in her ears.
Love that description, no fixes :)
She stumbled over broken fallen branches until they cut her legs enough to act is a lure of sweat and blood for more gnats.
Try: broken, fallen branches
to act as a lure
Her heart clenched. She thought her eyes saw the shadow of a black bear along the murky waters edge.
murky water's edge
She stumbled along, following the pinprick of light until it appeared as a flickering fire, and then she clearly saw a flaming tongue licking the sky of a clearing beneath a host of stars bright as silver trinkets.
This is a borderline run-on. I would separate these sentences into two, if possible.
The unmistakable gray caps on a few, and one who seemed to be in charge had on a gray buttoned up coat.
This feels a little awkward.
Maybe try:
She surmised this due to the unmistakable gray caps on a few men, and one who seemed to be in charge had on a gray, buttoned-up coat.
She was cold and couldn't stop the rattling noise of her body and feared they'd hear it.
I think you mean rattling noise of her teeth
She kept to the dark shadows of the forest, swatting the bugs that thought of her as a blood sucking meal.
I would add a hyphen between blood and sucking.
Icy air settled into the forest floor, building a wall of fog between her and the men.
Love that final sentence!
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2021
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Great action and believable reactions. Most of us have no idea what it would be like to walk for miles in the wilderness.
I enjoy reading your writing.
Little fixes:
As she stumbled down the mountain, her muscles cramped and forced her to fall over writhing in pain.
Add comma after to fall over
But as soon as she stood she was light-headed with blurred vision.
I would put a comma after stood
Every snap of a twig in the woods or bird call brought a prickly fear to her beleaguered beating heart.
I would put a comma after beleaguered
Jane crawled into what looked like an abandoned bears den from the uplifted root of a deadfall tree.
Add an apostrophe: bear's den
Crawling out she took a broke branch, combing away her tracks until she felt safe enough to crawl into the uprooted trees cavernous space where she tucked herself into its surprising warmth.
Try:
Crawling out, she took a broken branch, combing away her tracks until she felt safe enough to crawl into the uprooted trees' cavernous space, where she tucked herself into its surprising warmth.
Despite the gnawing pain of her empty stomach, Her eyelids fell like steel trap doors where sleep brought its own escape from the realities of her desperate plight.
un-capitalize her eyelids
I would add a comma after steel trap doors
I think I would change 'spongey' to spongy on the description there next.
The bugs were relentless, sometimes flying past her parched lips and into her dry mouth or in her ears.
Love that description, no fixes :)
She stumbled over broken fallen branches until they cut her legs enough to act is a lure of sweat and blood for more gnats.
Try: broken, fallen branches
to act as a lure
Her heart clenched. She thought her eyes saw the shadow of a black bear along the murky waters edge.
murky water's edge
She stumbled along, following the pinprick of light until it appeared as a flickering fire, and then she clearly saw a flaming tongue licking the sky of a clearing beneath a host of stars bright as silver trinkets.
This is a borderline run-on. I would separate these sentences into two, if possible.
The unmistakable gray caps on a few, and one who seemed to be in charge had on a gray buttoned up coat.
This feels a little awkward.
Maybe try:
She surmised this due to the unmistakable gray caps on a few men, and one who seemed to be in charge had on a gray, buttoned-up coat.
She was cold and couldn't stop the rattling noise of her body and feared they'd hear it.
I think you mean rattling noise of her teeth
She kept to the dark shadows of the forest, swatting the bugs that thought of her as a blood sucking meal.
I would add a hyphen between blood and sucking.
Icy air settled into the forest floor, building a wall of fog between her and the men.
Love that final sentence!
Comment Written 30-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2021
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As always, thanks so much for your help. I'm saving it so I can make those fixes.
Comment from Sally Law
This was full of non-stop action. Jane is smart and hopefully the rebel soldiers will drink so much they will lose consciousness. Sounds like a good plan, although cold. Brrr....
One improvement for your consideration. beleaguered. I would use something simpler here, perhaps-- racing, heart.
I hope this is helpful and adds to your fine writing.
Sending you my best today as always,
Sal XOs...
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2021
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This was full of non-stop action. Jane is smart and hopefully the rebel soldiers will drink so much they will lose consciousness. Sounds like a good plan, although cold. Brrr....
One improvement for your consideration. beleaguered. I would use something simpler here, perhaps-- racing, heart.
I hope this is helpful and adds to your fine writing.
Sending you my best today as always,
Sal XOs...
Comment Written 29-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2021
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Thanks Sally.
Comment from Goodadvicechan
You did a good join telling this story... I have no issues in following the story. it is hard on Jane on the run road. She was scared the she might get caught...
I am interested in whether she could get away from the troop and stole some of their food...
Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2021
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You did a good join telling this story... I have no issues in following the story. it is hard on Jane on the run road. She was scared the she might get caught...
I am interested in whether she could get away from the troop and stole some of their food...
Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 29-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2021
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Thanks!
