Forever Alone
Mildred fell into cardiac arrest and passed away.2 total reviews
Comment from Dolly'sPoems
I am glad this is fiction, but this sometimes does happen in real life and I am thankful I have my family, a poignant flash fiction Gacie, love Dolly x
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I am glad this is fiction, but this sometimes does happen in real life and I am thankful I have my family, a poignant flash fiction Gacie, love Dolly x
Comment Written 16-Mar-2021
Comment from Susan Newell
Gracie, good for you for putting your writing out to be reviewed. For twelve-years-old, you have put out a good story line. However, when you have only eighty words to use, you must make every word count, and there are techniques to do that. Please take the following to be constructive criticism and a learning experience.
Usually, digits 1-9 are spelled out. I am going to show you an example of how you can say the same things with fewer words.
Three days ago, Elizabeth's mother, Mildred, was admitted to the hospital for a tumor removal.
I would like to see you go back and rewrite your story, saving words where you can, and telling more about the cardiac arrest, and perhaps attempts to revive her. Stop and think about how many times you have to repeat names.
I would also like you to think about who was doing the surgery and about your word choice of "confronted," which has an implication of being adversarial.
Please let me know if you do some additional work on this and I will take another look.
This is how I learned to write "tightly." Some of the teaching came from a newspaper editor. My first response was to be hurt and wonder what was "wrong" with my words. But in the long run, I became a much better writer.
 |
Gracie, good for you for putting your writing out to be reviewed. For twelve-years-old, you have put out a good story line. However, when you have only eighty words to use, you must make every word count, and there are techniques to do that. Please take the following to be constructive criticism and a learning experience.
Usually, digits 1-9 are spelled out. I am going to show you an example of how you can say the same things with fewer words.
Three days ago, Elizabeth's mother, Mildred, was admitted to the hospital for a tumor removal.
I would like to see you go back and rewrite your story, saving words where you can, and telling more about the cardiac arrest, and perhaps attempts to revive her. Stop and think about how many times you have to repeat names.
I would also like you to think about who was doing the surgery and about your word choice of "confronted," which has an implication of being adversarial.
Please let me know if you do some additional work on this and I will take another look.
This is how I learned to write "tightly." Some of the teaching came from a newspaper editor. My first response was to be hurt and wonder what was "wrong" with my words. But in the long run, I became a much better writer.
Comment Written 16-Mar-2021
