Hawkshaw: Chapter 1
This Chapter Introduces The Main Character27 total reviews
Comment from Suzanna Ray
Dear Brett, when you continue with this chapter in your next post, please be sure to include an illustration of a 'scene' style, because I have never heard of them. Perhaps they only have them in West Texas, In towns like Brubaker. (smile)
I am going to Fan you, so I make sure that I do not miss your next post, because I certainly want to know, what the terrible secret is.
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2021
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Dear Brett, when you continue with this chapter in your next post, please be sure to include an illustration of a 'scene' style, because I have never heard of them. Perhaps they only have them in West Texas, In towns like Brubaker. (smile)
I am going to Fan you, so I make sure that I do not miss your next post, because I certainly want to know, what the terrible secret is.
Comment Written 31-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2021
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Glad you enjoyed this posting. Appreciate the review.
Comment from Jay Squires
I always liked your relaxed, easygoing, style of writing, Brett. It seems to define a time that was also slower moving than our century. It's kind of fun to sit back with a cup of coffee and let your prose carry me. Thank you for the ride, my friend.
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2021
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I always liked your relaxed, easygoing, style of writing, Brett. It seems to define a time that was also slower moving than our century. It's kind of fun to sit back with a cup of coffee and let your prose carry me. Thank you for the ride, my friend.
Comment Written 31-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2021
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Always appreciate your reviews. They are so complementary.
Comment from kmoss
This is a well-written, interesting first chapter to a story. It has a good and strong beginning.
This part puzzled me:Contemplating, I scratched my blond hair. No, I did not have dandruff.
I do not understand the transition into the haircut. We know he was scratching his head while thinking. I do not think the dandruff line is necessary. Just an opinion, but I think a better transition could be used to get to the haircut paragraphs.
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2021
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This is a well-written, interesting first chapter to a story. It has a good and strong beginning.
This part puzzled me:Contemplating, I scratched my blond hair. No, I did not have dandruff.
I do not understand the transition into the haircut. We know he was scratching his head while thinking. I do not think the dandruff line is necessary. Just an opinion, but I think a better transition could be used to get to the haircut paragraphs.
Comment Written 31-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2021
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Glad you enjoyed this chapter. Appreciate your recommendation and the review.
Comment from Erika Seshadri
Good morning. I have mixed feelings about this piece. First of all, your writing is solid, and I love the barefoot thread throughout. I think it says a lot about your character's attitude toward life. I like it.
Here's what I didn't like so much:
Chinaman is a derogatory ethnic slur. Now, it's your writing, so you can obviously use whatever words you want. I'm just here to tell you that your work will appeal to a much wider audience if you don't include things like that.
Also, is the lamp really the only thing the mother has to remember a fourteen year career in the military? I find that hard to believe. I mean, anything is possible in fiction. But if you are going for believable, you might consider changing that.
Anyway, hope you find this helpful.
All the best.
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2021
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Good morning. I have mixed feelings about this piece. First of all, your writing is solid, and I love the barefoot thread throughout. I think it says a lot about your character's attitude toward life. I like it.
Here's what I didn't like so much:
Chinaman is a derogatory ethnic slur. Now, it's your writing, so you can obviously use whatever words you want. I'm just here to tell you that your work will appeal to a much wider audience if you don't include things like that.
Also, is the lamp really the only thing the mother has to remember a fourteen year career in the military? I find that hard to believe. I mean, anything is possible in fiction. But if you are going for believable, you might consider changing that.
Anyway, hope you find this helpful.
All the best.
Comment Written 29-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2021
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All I can say is your review is your opinion and you are certainly entitled to it.
Chinaman, used to describe a lamp in the shape of an Oriental rice farmer, in your humble opinion is a slur here? Wouldn't you say that is quite a stretch on your part?
Que sera sera.
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It's actually not my humble opinion. It's the general consensus of billions of people who realize the term Chinaman is an outdated and inappropriate way to refer to a Chinese person. If the lamp is a statue of a Chinese farmer, and you say, "look at my Chinaman lamp," you are using a slur. Google it and educate yourself if you don't understand the issue. Honestly, "Chinaman" has not been an appropriate term to use since my eighty-year old mother was a little girl.
Again, your story, your words. But if you want to improve your writing to appeal to a broader range of people, I highly recommend you take it out. That's all.
All the best.
Comment from Ritasher
Hello, Author!
I love your eloquent and picturesque writing style! Your characters are lively and their simplest experiences seem so real - just what I like in the stories (for me, there's nothing worse than unrealistic dialogues or blank characters). So I liked it and I wish you all the best :)
Sincerely, Rita.
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2021
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Hello, Author!
I love your eloquent and picturesque writing style! Your characters are lively and their simplest experiences seem so real - just what I like in the stories (for me, there's nothing worse than unrealistic dialogues or blank characters). So I liked it and I wish you all the best :)
Sincerely, Rita.
Comment Written 28-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2021
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Glad you enjoyed this chapter. Appreciate the review.
Comment from barbara.wilkey
This is a good write and I enjoyed reading. I can't wait for more.
"You mean Old Man Johannson?" The second one asked. (minor, but it read better, Johannson?" asked the second one.)
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2021
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This is a good write and I enjoyed reading. I can't wait for more.
"You mean Old Man Johannson?" The second one asked. (minor, but it read better, Johannson?" asked the second one.)
Comment Written 27-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2021
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Appreciate the review and the catch.
Comment from AJ McCall
Okay, this is very funny, and a bit confusing for me. You have a picture of a prairie dog or a gopher (I can't tell, please correct me.) But it's about a boy I guess, living in the country. The description is really good. My favorite part is where he said, it's been a while since he got spanked, lol. I think it's a good chapter overall. Good job.
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2021
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Okay, this is very funny, and a bit confusing for me. You have a picture of a prairie dog or a gopher (I can't tell, please correct me.) But it's about a boy I guess, living in the country. The description is really good. My favorite part is where he said, it's been a while since he got spanked, lol. I think it's a good chapter overall. Good job.
Comment Written 26-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2021
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Glad you enjoyed this chapter. Appreciate the review.
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You're welcome!
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
Now that I've read the first part, I have to read the next one. I want to see what you are going to do with this excellent piece of descriptive writing. Jaxson knows something, and I want to know what it is. Well done, Brett, I'll be watching out for the next part. :)) Sandra xx
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2021
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Now that I've read the first part, I have to read the next one. I want to see what you are going to do with this excellent piece of descriptive writing. Jaxson knows something, and I want to know what it is. Well done, Brett, I'll be watching out for the next part. :)) Sandra xx
Comment Written 26-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2021
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Glad you enjoyed this chapter. Appreciate the review.
Comment from Bluesatinbutterfly
I wonderful first chapter, I look forward to meeting your characters again and learning more about them. One point if I may. Would you be able to explain what a "scene style" is please?
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2021
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I wonderful first chapter, I look forward to meeting your characters again and learning more about them. One point if I may. Would you be able to explain what a "scene style" is please?
Comment Written 26-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2021
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Glad you enjoyed this chapter. A scene style features such attractions as choppy layers, straightened back-combed roots, long bangs swept over one eye, and dynamic sideburns. Appreciate the review.
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It was my pleasure, and I think I want a scene style too :)
Comment from DonandVicki
It was the lead sentence that pulled me in and encouraged me to read on. You have a gift for ending the chapter keeping the reader in suspense. I want to read more.
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2021
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It was the lead sentence that pulled me in and encouraged me to read on. You have a gift for ending the chapter keeping the reader in suspense. I want to read more.
Comment Written 25-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2021
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Glad you enjoyed the hook. Appreciate the review.
