Behold: the Cosmic Do-Over
Two Lives Knitted to a Continuum38 total reviews
Comment from Rdfrdmom2
Jay Squires:
It would appear the teller did slip her hand under the counter to alert the police to the robber even though it was at the cost of her life, very likely. I suspect showtime may be to get the heck out of the bank prior to the police arriving. Good luck in the contest.
Rdfrdmom2
reply by the author on 12-Mar-2021
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Jay Squires:
It would appear the teller did slip her hand under the counter to alert the police to the robber even though it was at the cost of her life, very likely. I suspect showtime may be to get the heck out of the bank prior to the police arriving. Good luck in the contest.
Rdfrdmom2
Comment Written 12-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 12-Mar-2021
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Thank you, Jan, for taking a shot at what was happening. Did you try reading it from the end to the beginning? I appreciate your well-wishes.
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No, but I will go back and do that. Jan
Comment from Goodadvicechan
What a splendid description of the teller; "Unseen, scattered white threads reweave under vanishing bud just as a silvery thread leaves her unblemished blouse, stretches across the counter surface, is sucked into the barrel." You deserve all the credits to bring out such writing.
Thank you for sharing this with us.
reply by the author on 12-Mar-2021
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What a splendid description of the teller; "Unseen, scattered white threads reweave under vanishing bud just as a silvery thread leaves her unblemished blouse, stretches across the counter surface, is sucked into the barrel." You deserve all the credits to bring out such writing.
Thank you for sharing this with us.
Comment Written 12-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 12-Mar-2021
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Thank you for your kind words and the shiny stars, Chan. I'm happy you enjoyed it.
Comment from Father Flaps
Hi Jay,
Wow! He's robbing a bank! All of a sudden, I got it. You were describing the teller... what she was (or might be) wearing... "pink-pantied pose" ... terrific alliteration there! A blemished white blouse.
And he has a gun under the newspaper...
"Don't! My note warned...!"
"Keep smiling."
I almost had it, anyway. Those last two words changed the whole idea,
"Show time!"
He was practicing on a dummy before the actual robbery, and pretty nervous in doing so, I might add. How will he do when he steps up to her, in person. Will she slip her painted nails under the counter, and push a warning button? Does the barrel of a gun mean nothing to her? It's the unforeseen that bothers him. He eyes his escape route, the self-opening door. He needs the cash. He's scared to death, "Spans lobby on spongy knees."
Isn't it something? Those very last two words change the story completely, for me anyway... if I'm right.
Maybe he's just pretending that he's going to rob the bank. Could his life be that boring? My life could be. Hey, it's a way to have some fun... for free! But I think this guy is for real, a nervous Clyde Barrow!
Nicely penned! And quite worthy of a six.
Good Luck in the Flash Fiction contest!
Actually, now that I think about it... he could use an accomplice... how about the bank teller? She could act the part, and he'd be a whole lot less nervous. The beauty of bank robbing today... you'd be wearing a mask anyway!
Cheers,
Kimbob
reply by the author on 12-Mar-2021
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Hi Jay,
Wow! He's robbing a bank! All of a sudden, I got it. You were describing the teller... what she was (or might be) wearing... "pink-pantied pose" ... terrific alliteration there! A blemished white blouse.
And he has a gun under the newspaper...
"Don't! My note warned...!"
"Keep smiling."
I almost had it, anyway. Those last two words changed the whole idea,
"Show time!"
He was practicing on a dummy before the actual robbery, and pretty nervous in doing so, I might add. How will he do when he steps up to her, in person. Will she slip her painted nails under the counter, and push a warning button? Does the barrel of a gun mean nothing to her? It's the unforeseen that bothers him. He eyes his escape route, the self-opening door. He needs the cash. He's scared to death, "Spans lobby on spongy knees."
Isn't it something? Those very last two words change the story completely, for me anyway... if I'm right.
Maybe he's just pretending that he's going to rob the bank. Could his life be that boring? My life could be. Hey, it's a way to have some fun... for free! But I think this guy is for real, a nervous Clyde Barrow!
Nicely penned! And quite worthy of a six.
Good Luck in the Flash Fiction contest!
Actually, now that I think about it... he could use an accomplice... how about the bank teller? She could act the part, and he'd be a whole lot less nervous. The beauty of bank robbing today... you'd be wearing a mask anyway!
Cheers,
Kimbob
Comment Written 12-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 12-Mar-2021
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Oh, Kimbob, don't tell me you didn't get my other answer. I was inspired and can't possibly remember all I told you in it. It spoke of your brilliance in the universe of your response, all the possibilities, and I could cry because I can't get back the flavor of my gratitude. How could that happen; I know I saved it. Your review was inspired, Kimbob, and I could see that and I answered in kind. All lost! Sorry, my friend. Gone! You don't know how much your chartreuse cross means to me. I truly did feel that it was a knighting by you.
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Hey, buddy... from now on, I'll address you as Sir Jay! How about that?
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Only in public, where it would be expected, as you know. In private you'd better call me Jay, Jaybird, or Junie.
Comment from T.A. Walk
You have a really cool way of stitching words and phrases together. Odd yet refreshing in its complete difference from the norm. I wish you well in the contest you've entered.
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2021
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You have a really cool way of stitching words and phrases together. Odd yet refreshing in its complete difference from the norm. I wish you well in the contest you've entered.
Comment Written 11-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2021
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Much obliged, T.A. for your kind words and the lovely stars.
Comment from Jeff Watkins
I read this story with a dim, flickering wit. Darkness precedes and follows each dim elucidation. BUT I think I do understand the conception of a process that seems chaotic yet guides toward some unknown end. This story could be read as a description of the creative process that uses me when I am giving birth to a story. What say you about my dim witted response? Jeff
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2021
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I read this story with a dim, flickering wit. Darkness precedes and follows each dim elucidation. BUT I think I do understand the conception of a process that seems chaotic yet guides toward some unknown end. This story could be read as a description of the creative process that uses me when I am giving birth to a story. What say you about my dim witted response? Jeff
Comment Written 11-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2021
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There is help for us, Jeff. There has to be! We just have to keep searching for it before we are overcome by those insidiously dark forces. I love your take on it being a grand metaphor for the creative process ... and how the creative process uses you. Love it!
Thanks, Jeff.
Comment from BethShelby
This sounds like a movie of an horrible event being played in reverse. Wouldn't it be great if this could happen when the some of the things that go so wrong could be erased taking us back to when all was well. Nicely written experimental piece.
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2021
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This sounds like a movie of an horrible event being played in reverse. Wouldn't it be great if this could happen when the some of the things that go so wrong could be erased taking us back to when all was well. Nicely written experimental piece.
Comment Written 11-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2021
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Beautiful, Beth! Of all my reviews, I believe yours came closest to what I was intending with the exercise. Thank you!
Comment from oliver818
I'm guessing it's a robbery? It's an interesting style and a nice piece but I'm still not sure exactly what's going on. Maybe you could add a little explanation at the end?
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2021
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I'm guessing it's a robbery? It's an interesting style and a nice piece but I'm still not sure exactly what's going on. Maybe you could add a little explanation at the end?
Comment Written 11-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2021
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The closest I could come to an explanation was what I wrote in the author's notes, and I was criticized by one for adding that. As I've said again and again, it should have been left in a folder on my computer's desktop labelled "writer's exercises," and not on Fanstory, particularly, not for a contest.
Comment from karenina
I am resisting all temptation to click on "view ratings" and see what other reviewers interpreted. Once I got rid of the "barrel" image as a wooded barrel with staves, et al--and the lightbulb went off that it was a gun--I was off to the races! Bank robbery correct? I raced to the end and then let my eyes scan more slowly from bottom to top--hence, the experiment with sequencing... "Show time" -- both a great ending and a double axel twist with a clean landing, back to the beginning. I'll be red in the face if I'm WAY off on this... But I'll take my chances. A 150 word Flash Fiction "palindrome" of sequencing! That's my take and I'm sticking to it! --Karenina
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2021
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I am resisting all temptation to click on "view ratings" and see what other reviewers interpreted. Once I got rid of the "barrel" image as a wooded barrel with staves, et al--and the lightbulb went off that it was a gun--I was off to the races! Bank robbery correct? I raced to the end and then let my eyes scan more slowly from bottom to top--hence, the experiment with sequencing... "Show time" -- both a great ending and a double axel twist with a clean landing, back to the beginning. I'll be red in the face if I'm WAY off on this... But I'll take my chances. A 150 word Flash Fiction "palindrome" of sequencing! That's my take and I'm sticking to it! --Karenina
Comment Written 10-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2021
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Ha! Thanks, Karenina. This little story ran the gamut in reviews. I regretting posting it since it was intended as an experiment only and really belonged on my computer's desktop in a folder marked "practice". I had no idea the meaning would fly all over the place. As I mentioned to one reviewer, it appears to be a Rorschach test. One, a woman, thought it depicted a girl being seduced with the various stages of the rose being her nipples.
It was very definitely a bank robbery, gone south. And you were right that you need to read it both ways to get the full effect of it, end to beginning (as it's written), and then from beginning to end, from the robber's point of view.
Once again, thanks for reading and for the lovely stars.
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Wow! Well THAT reviewer (of the roses and the nipples) has a far more extensive imagination than I! I'll have to circle back and see how others interpreted this now... No regrets for posting it! It was an interesting experiment... Readers ought to be challenged a bit when reading!--Karenina
Comment from F. William Lester
A very interesting picture. A good use of 150 words. I like the transition, but I did have one small question. In the end, was she walking toward the door on spongy legs or was he? Maybe a slight readjustment of the wording would make this clearer. Flash fiction is difficult and you did a nice job of getting your story across. Good luck in the contest. Stay well.
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2021
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A very interesting picture. A good use of 150 words. I like the transition, but I did have one small question. In the end, was she walking toward the door on spongy legs or was he? Maybe a slight readjustment of the wording would make this clearer. Flash fiction is difficult and you did a nice job of getting your story across. Good luck in the contest. Stay well.
Comment Written 10-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2021
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It was never she. She was only the teller. This is truly only an experiment in transition and sequencing. Perhaps if you read from the end to the beginning. Thank you so much for your kind words, well wishes and the stars.
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You're very welcome.
Comment from rjuselius
This is an intriguing piece of prose dear anonymous! Are we wolves or are se sheep? I don't think they can be related to each other. Wolves also live in packs and they learn how to live by copying their fellow relatives.
Anyhoo, thank you for sharing!
Good luck!
Blessings and a larger than life hug!
Rebekka x
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2021
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This is an intriguing piece of prose dear anonymous! Are we wolves or are se sheep? I don't think they can be related to each other. Wolves also live in packs and they learn how to live by copying their fellow relatives.
Anyhoo, thank you for sharing!
Good luck!
Blessings and a larger than life hug!
Rebekka x
Comment Written 10-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2021
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Many thanks, Rebekka! Both for your kind words and your stars. But anonymous? Haha.