Where Are All The Children
Viewing comments for Chapter 27 "Saving LIves"A vigilante takes down trafficing rings.
14 total reviews
Comment from royowen
The very thought of these things sparks images of the death camps in Germany and other places after the war, it beggars belief, but we do know that it hadn't, this level of inhumanity is indeed hard to believe, on so many levels man is capable of so much suffering and does not consider it in reverse. Well done with this, blessings Roy
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2021
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The very thought of these things sparks images of the death camps in Germany and other places after the war, it beggars belief, but we do know that it hadn't, this level of inhumanity is indeed hard to believe, on so many levels man is capable of so much suffering and does not consider it in reverse. Well done with this, blessings Roy
Comment Written 07-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2021
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Thank you so much for reading my chapter, and such a kind review. Work camps are like Germany's camps in a lot of ways. It's sad to think people can be so cold, heartless but it happens every day.
Thank you again for all your help, support, encouragement and friendship. It always means the world to me, take care.
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Well done
Comment from Liz O'Neill
Another play on words: "A heavy flow of traffic" I got goose bumps on this line: "You need to load up the girls and go while you still can." What a poignant episode. This brings out the heartlessness of their keepers. I just saw an article about a school system being looked into after parents have complained about the 6th graders writing an essay about the life of a slave.
Tell about your journey to your new home. Tell about your new family. Tell about what you do with your spare time when you're not working.
So now we could have them answer the same questions for your experience as a trafficking victim...Bwaaa
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2021
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Another play on words: "A heavy flow of traffic" I got goose bumps on this line: "You need to load up the girls and go while you still can." What a poignant episode. This brings out the heartlessness of their keepers. I just saw an article about a school system being looked into after parents have complained about the 6th graders writing an essay about the life of a slave.
Tell about your journey to your new home. Tell about your new family. Tell about what you do with your spare time when you're not working.
So now we could have them answer the same questions for your experience as a trafficking victim...Bwaaa
Comment Written 07-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2021
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Thank you so much for reading my chapter and for such a kind review. Those are great ideas moving forward, thank you for the suggestions.
Thank you again for all your help, support, encouragement and friendship. It always means to world to me, take care.
Comment from Leann DS
You have lots of good dialogue that is realistic and interesting. I think if you added in more non-dialogue, supportive content, your story would be greatly improved someone here told me to "show the reader, don't tell the reader. "I did not know what they meant at first, but basically, instead of saying something like:
She got out of the car and marched up to the front door.
You could say:
She squeezed her tiny Mazda into the parking space between two pick up trucks on the curb outside the house. She was trying to be quiet, but her door slammed loudly as she hurried to get to the children. She was wearing business attire, and she Wished she had worn more appropriate clothing for a rescue, but she was supposed to be in court today. When she got dressed this morning, she had no idea she was going to be facing the kidnappers at their holding site. Her heels clicked on the street as she hurried across, noticing two sheds in the yard, both padlocked and surrounded with high weeds, The grass pressed down in a pathway that led to the door denoting that someone had recently been in there.
That's not very good, above, but I just wanted you to get an idea of what I was talking about. if you have any questions, feel free to ask, and I will try to answer as best as I can.
I hope this is helpful. Thank you for sharing your story. Hugs and blessings to you.
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2021
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You have lots of good dialogue that is realistic and interesting. I think if you added in more non-dialogue, supportive content, your story would be greatly improved someone here told me to "show the reader, don't tell the reader. "I did not know what they meant at first, but basically, instead of saying something like:
She got out of the car and marched up to the front door.
You could say:
She squeezed her tiny Mazda into the parking space between two pick up trucks on the curb outside the house. She was trying to be quiet, but her door slammed loudly as she hurried to get to the children. She was wearing business attire, and she Wished she had worn more appropriate clothing for a rescue, but she was supposed to be in court today. When she got dressed this morning, she had no idea she was going to be facing the kidnappers at their holding site. Her heels clicked on the street as she hurried across, noticing two sheds in the yard, both padlocked and surrounded with high weeds, The grass pressed down in a pathway that led to the door denoting that someone had recently been in there.
That's not very good, above, but I just wanted you to get an idea of what I was talking about. if you have any questions, feel free to ask, and I will try to answer as best as I can.
I hope this is helpful. Thank you for sharing your story. Hugs and blessings to you.
Comment Written 07-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2021
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Thank you so much for reading my chapter and for your helpful suggestion. Calling me out for being lazy, not adding needed details. I've gone back and made a few changes. My 1100 word chapter is 1500. Here is an example.
A heavy flow of traffic zips past the two detectives as they listen to their suspect's conversation from the safety of their unmarked car. The white stone office buildings that surround them do little to block the glare of the bright mid-afternoon sun. Even the tall leafy shade trees do little to suppress the heat.
I do hope think that's better.
Thank you again for reading my chapter, such a warm review and for your suggestion. Your help is always greatly appreciated, take care.
Comment from Alcreator Litt Dear
This Chapter, in continuation, of the Mystery and Crime Fiction, speaks interestingly about the detectives and in terms of saving lives, appropriately thru' a solid taletelling, forwarded by plot development, fostered by appropriately sequential dialogues so realistic, ends with a sorry figure; well said, well done; thanks for sharing this. ALCREATOR
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2021
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This Chapter, in continuation, of the Mystery and Crime Fiction, speaks interestingly about the detectives and in terms of saving lives, appropriately thru' a solid taletelling, forwarded by plot development, fostered by appropriately sequential dialogues so realistic, ends with a sorry figure; well said, well done; thanks for sharing this. ALCREATOR
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 07-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2021
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Thank you so much for such a kind, extensive review. I'm glad you enjoyed the dialogue how the plot moved forward. It's sad to think something like this happens every day.
Thank you again for all your support, friendship. It always means a lot to me, take care.
