A Leap in Belief
Help may come from an unexpected source49 total reviews
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
i think the dialogue works well in this piece, although there are some other areas which you may wish to take a look at.
I made some notes as I read through-
intrusion jolted Mindy from her thoughts, destroying her suspended trance. She looked around to find this intruder- personally, I'd look at changing one of these, intrusion / intruder to avoid near repetition at this point.
She caught sight of the man's vision off to the side behind the railing. - I think this is a little awkward. She caught sight of his vision? It may be better to say something like she caught a glimpse of him from the corner of her eye.
"See, I've nothing with me. I'm too old to try and grab you, anyway. Please listen, I...." - it's more customary to use the dash to signal interruption rather than the ellipses which is more of a trailing off or omission.
A gust of wind arose, pushing Mindy dangerously closer to the edge.- just a minor point here on scene mechanics, unless it's a swirling breeze, which it usually isn't at the coast, earlier the breeze was blowing sea spray into her face, she was leaning into the breeze, now it's behind her.
"If Joey couldn't, how can I? I am a loser. I hear it every day of my life. Loser, loser," Mindy was sobbing uncontrollably now. - would end the dialogue section here with a period rather than a comma as what follows isn't really a speech tag.
Your death will destroy them on a level far longer than your suffering now.- consider swapping longer for deeper?
"Um, 'how bout we drive down to the café in town?" He said. "I know it's too early for lunch, but I need a break. This whole incident's bothering me a bit." - move the mark from before3 Hoe to before bout. Also, the tag here needs looked at. If it's a following tag from the first piece of dialohghue, it should be lower case. If it's proceeding one before the second, there should be a comma after said rather than a period.
I'm not totally sold on the change in perspective to the police officers. i get this is the device for the reveal but I think it makes the piece less powerful.
"Good, God! What happened?'- need to change the closing speech marks to the same form as the opening ones (single to double).
"But how? How could Mindy have known about Joey and Gerald? They both died before she was even born?" - the last sentence here didn't strike me as a question.
All the best
GMG
reply by the author on 24-Nov-2022
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Hi there,
i think the dialogue works well in this piece, although there are some other areas which you may wish to take a look at.
I made some notes as I read through-
intrusion jolted Mindy from her thoughts, destroying her suspended trance. She looked around to find this intruder- personally, I'd look at changing one of these, intrusion / intruder to avoid near repetition at this point.
She caught sight of the man's vision off to the side behind the railing. - I think this is a little awkward. She caught sight of his vision? It may be better to say something like she caught a glimpse of him from the corner of her eye.
"See, I've nothing with me. I'm too old to try and grab you, anyway. Please listen, I...." - it's more customary to use the dash to signal interruption rather than the ellipses which is more of a trailing off or omission.
A gust of wind arose, pushing Mindy dangerously closer to the edge.- just a minor point here on scene mechanics, unless it's a swirling breeze, which it usually isn't at the coast, earlier the breeze was blowing sea spray into her face, she was leaning into the breeze, now it's behind her.
"If Joey couldn't, how can I? I am a loser. I hear it every day of my life. Loser, loser," Mindy was sobbing uncontrollably now. - would end the dialogue section here with a period rather than a comma as what follows isn't really a speech tag.
Your death will destroy them on a level far longer than your suffering now.- consider swapping longer for deeper?
"Um, 'how bout we drive down to the café in town?" He said. "I know it's too early for lunch, but I need a break. This whole incident's bothering me a bit." - move the mark from before3 Hoe to before bout. Also, the tag here needs looked at. If it's a following tag from the first piece of dialohghue, it should be lower case. If it's proceeding one before the second, there should be a comma after said rather than a period.
I'm not totally sold on the change in perspective to the police officers. i get this is the device for the reveal but I think it makes the piece less powerful.
"Good, God! What happened?'- need to change the closing speech marks to the same form as the opening ones (single to double).
"But how? How could Mindy have known about Joey and Gerald? They both died before she was even born?" - the last sentence here didn't strike me as a question.
All the best
GMG
Comment Written 24-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 24-Nov-2022
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Greetings Giraffmang. Very good edit, I scanned this thing a dozen times, and still missed those errors.
My only disagreement is your thoughts on the ending. This story opens as a dramatic event leading to a conclusion, will the girl be saved? But if it keeps going with dramatic build-up, then ends with that, there's no aha moment. I let it conclude, then spring the, "Oh, I see. So that's what happened! To me, that's even more powerful.
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Absolutely right to stick to your ending. It was just as it struck me but it's your vision for the piece. lol
Personally I'd have just had a line afterwards with the two police officers for revelation or left it hanging but that's me!
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
This was an amazing story, and can see how it won the contest. I have heard of things like this happening in real life, and the way you've written this, it sounds so true. I'm thinking Gerald was there trying to stop the same thing that happened to his son happening to Mindy. What a lovely story, and I'm sure you'll win the other contest too. Please let us know! :)) Sandra xxx
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2022
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This was an amazing story, and can see how it won the contest. I have heard of things like this happening in real life, and the way you've written this, it sounds so true. I'm thinking Gerald was there trying to stop the same thing that happened to his son happening to Mindy. What a lovely story, and I'm sure you'll win the other contest too. Please let us know! :)) Sandra xxx
Comment Written 23-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2022
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Thanks Sandra, much appreaciated.
Comment from susand3022
Hi Brad,
Yes, I think it reads very well. It gave me chills when I realized that Gerald wasn't actually there in person. Super creepy, but cool. It's nice to have a Gerald standing by the jumper spot on the bridge to talk people down when they need it. ;)
Best of luck with the new contest!
Susan :)
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2022
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Hi Brad,
Yes, I think it reads very well. It gave me chills when I realized that Gerald wasn't actually there in person. Super creepy, but cool. It's nice to have a Gerald standing by the jumper spot on the bridge to talk people down when they need it. ;)
Best of luck with the new contest!
Susan :)
Comment Written 22-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2022
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Thanks, Susan, glad you liked it.
Comment from Pam Lonsdale
The line: No? It's too late. I'm not going back . . .
Why is there a question mark behind No?
When he asks her name, she offers it immediately. Maybe a pause, as he is a stranger that she has been telling to go away.
Brad, I really like this story a lot - a good ghost story instead of a spooky one. And with a happy ending.
Dialogue is good, just her giving up her name so easily seemed forced.
Good luck with your next competition!
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2022
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The line: No? It's too late. I'm not going back . . .
Why is there a question mark behind No?
When he asks her name, she offers it immediately. Maybe a pause, as he is a stranger that she has been telling to go away.
Brad, I really like this story a lot - a good ghost story instead of a spooky one. And with a happy ending.
Dialogue is good, just her giving up her name so easily seemed forced.
Good luck with your next competition!
Comment Written 21-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2022
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Thanks, Pam, much appreciated. I took off the question mark. It sort of worked when I wrote it? :>)
When she gave Gerald her name, I think by this point in the story she has some connection, albeit tenuous.
Check out, 'Flight to Fairbanks' on my site. This little story won a contest in the states, and one in England. My best ghost story I think.
I love ghost stories, I'm thinking of starting a book on them, the only problem is, I like to bring them in as a surprise, if the book is about ghosts, then the reader knows they're coming. Frustrating.
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That is a dilemma. I knew that Joey was Gerald's son early on, but didn't realize Gerald was a ghost. Duh! It's a ghost story!!
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Yes, at the very end the policeman tells us of the death of Gerald shortly after Joey's jump. It's just one short line. Maybe I should enhance that.
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No, I got it, just meant that I didn't see it coming. Don't change anything.
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Okay, Pam, I use FanStory for testing my stories, and I get a lot of good feedback from you writers here. I've rethought many a story from comments made.
Comment from Douglas Goff
Interesting and captivating.
Couple of things:
behind.
"Young lady, don't do this!" Came a man's voice from somewhere behind her. "Talk to me, okay?"
(Do this!" came a man's)
"No? Too late." I'm not going back. This is the only way out."
(Extra " in the middle)
"Yes! Mindy cried, "I can't live with this pain anymore." Tears on her face now gleaming in the bright sun, "I can't go back--there is no other way out!"
(" after Yes! )
(Period after sun. Not a comma)
a keen mind. There's a complete adventure before you--see it.
Missing " )
Great story!
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2022
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Interesting and captivating.
Couple of things:
behind.
"Young lady, don't do this!" Came a man's voice from somewhere behind her. "Talk to me, okay?"
(Do this!" came a man's)
"No? Too late." I'm not going back. This is the only way out."
(Extra " in the middle)
"Yes! Mindy cried, "I can't live with this pain anymore." Tears on her face now gleaming in the bright sun, "I can't go back--there is no other way out!"
(" after Yes! )
(Period after sun. Not a comma)
a keen mind. There's a complete adventure before you--see it.
Missing " )
Great story!
Comment Written 21-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2022
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Thank you, Douglas. I'll get after that.
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Great story. Simple edits .
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Thanks that tightens it up.
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Good work. If You want me to take another look, I don?t mind.
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Sure, I've caught a few from others, so maybe wait a while till I get them in. Thx
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I saw a few others but had to jump off. Great work!
Comment from Sandra Nelms-Ludwig
This is a well written story, and I can see why it won the FS contest. What I found that I felt you could do for improvement to the story is not make some of your sentences so wordy and be mindful of repeating ideas. Example I would write this sentence without the "far below" and several unnecessary word: Shrieking seagulls and the pounding surf against jagged rocks sang to her-to me is better because you mention only two sentences later the sheer drop off. What I am saying is tighten up your dialogue and supporting details. Why say in four sentences what you can say in two.
Substitute in these two areas what I have in parentheses: without my bad example lingering around (just write"here")."By her using bad already have the male character use a synonym for bad in this line ~put all those bad(negative) thoughts in a box.....
You were the only thing(person) we cared about." Thing used with a fragile teen would not be good. She already feels less than others.
This sentence doesn't make sense because they just meet her and do not know her or her problems, so maybe reword this ~They would take her home and talk to her mom and dad--helping them to understand her problems.
climbed up~ write just- climbed
drove back down- descended
Not seatmate- but patrol partner.
hinky on a suicide job-nervous about an attempted suicide
my partner then-my previous partner
Hopefully, this will be helpful to you in tightening up this story for the other competition. The visual fits perfectly. Good luck in the next contest.
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2022
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This is a well written story, and I can see why it won the FS contest. What I found that I felt you could do for improvement to the story is not make some of your sentences so wordy and be mindful of repeating ideas. Example I would write this sentence without the "far below" and several unnecessary word: Shrieking seagulls and the pounding surf against jagged rocks sang to her-to me is better because you mention only two sentences later the sheer drop off. What I am saying is tighten up your dialogue and supporting details. Why say in four sentences what you can say in two.
Substitute in these two areas what I have in parentheses: without my bad example lingering around (just write"here")."By her using bad already have the male character use a synonym for bad in this line ~put all those bad(negative) thoughts in a box.....
You were the only thing(person) we cared about." Thing used with a fragile teen would not be good. She already feels less than others.
This sentence doesn't make sense because they just meet her and do not know her or her problems, so maybe reword this ~They would take her home and talk to her mom and dad--helping them to understand her problems.
climbed up~ write just- climbed
drove back down- descended
Not seatmate- but patrol partner.
hinky on a suicide job-nervous about an attempted suicide
my partner then-my previous partner
Hopefully, this will be helpful to you in tightening up this story for the other competition. The visual fits perfectly. Good luck in the next contest.
Comment Written 21-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2022
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Hi Sandra, many thanks for your well-expressed critique. It's the exact 'thing' (there I go again!) I was looking for. I let my emotions drive the narrative when I should be watching the meanings. I've never stood at the cliff's edge, but I've wondered at it many times, as we all have I think, so the exact use of words is very important. I'm leaving 'hinky' in, though, I've seen officers in tough jobs, use their own language to distance themselves from the heartbreak they face daily, they have to, to go on. Your critique will help this story to become a more realistic presentation. Thank you so much.
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You are most welcome. I understand leaving hinky in because there is a lingo for every profession. Good luck!
Comment from Dawn Munro
Firstly, let me offer my congratulations on your win. Next, if I may, I'd like to explain my reviewing practices -- I review as I read, which means I do not 'sandwich' suggestions -- they happen as I spot them, and I comment as I go along too. I hope that is okay with you.
Suggestion number one has nothing to do with the writing (I am riveted), but with the presentation. When it is the protagonist's thought, italics are most commonly used.
"...She caught the man's vision..." -- I suggest, "She caught sight of the man..." or something similar. (His vision belongs to him, yes? Even if, as I suspect, he is a ghost.)
Okay, this next suggestion is going to be difficult to understand -- it is for me too, but it came directly from one of the most reputable traditional publishing houses editors -- the use of exclamation marks should always be limited to very short commands, like "Stop!" or "Don't!" or "Watch out!" Use them sparingly. (She actually took the time to use the famed 'red pen' throughout my submission, which doesn't happen often. I was stoked, and the lesson has stayed with me since.)
I love that you are not using speech tags for every sentence -- it's a rookie's mistake.
"Everybody, they all scorn me. I need to die--escape from what they say I am?" -- this is another bad habit, and rest assured, I do it too -- too often. But as fledgling writers, we are not allowed to break the rules. Your sentence is a sentence (although I know you were trying to inflect a tone of voice that was questioning, not stating). No question mark -- a period.
"You must tell them why you have come to this. They will listen then." Here I would be more explicit. For example, "You must tell them what you were planning today, and why. They will listen."
At this point, author, I will stop to explain something because I have so many suggestions you might think I am being overly picky. Believe me, I am riveted -- compelled to read more of this story. I only spend this much time on a review when I love the work.
Your pacing is wonderful, and you are anchoring your scenes beautifully.
"I knew a boy your age, whose name was Joey." There's nothing wrong with what you have written, but I want to share another writing technique I think you will like -- to keep a reader's interest, sentence length matters. Being careful that the trick is not over-used, thereby making the read 'choppy', a good author will vary sentence length. E.g. = "I knew a boy your age. His name was Joey."
"I can't live with this pain anymore." Tears on her face now gleaming in the bright sun,... " There is a problem with punctuation here, and I've added a word -- it should be, "Yes," Mindy cried, "I can't live with this pain anymore," (the) tears on her face now gleaming in the bright sun(.) "I can't go back -- there is no other way out!" << see? I love the darn things too. (LOL)
But enough picking. You are obviously skilled enough to do the rest of the tweaking yourself. I am going to just enjoy the rest of your wonderful tale. (I REALLY want to use an exclamation mark here...)
Oops -- this one I have to correct: "...far longer than your..."<< you meant the abbreviation of you are = you're, not the possessive "your"
Okay, I admit it -- I can't stop reviewing and suggesting -- " I come here to cry for Joey." Here, I can guess you are so in tune with your plot's character that you tend to have the ghost visitor speak as a ghost might = "I come..." Better you stay with the past tense of the verb because the reader doesn't know he is a ghost yet, yes? Let's keep it a surprise... More punch that way, agreed?
One more suggestion, and then I will stop -- really. But this one is a small plot flaw, stretching believability, although it's easy to fix. Pick more complicated names -- Joey is too common for police to say what they did, as is Gerald.
Well, I did spot another couple of places I could make suggestions, but by now I am sure you'll catch them. In any event, I am blown away -- your characters are authentic, your dialogue natural, and the plot outstanding. I see why this won!
reply by the author on 20-Nov-2022
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Firstly, let me offer my congratulations on your win. Next, if I may, I'd like to explain my reviewing practices -- I review as I read, which means I do not 'sandwich' suggestions -- they happen as I spot them, and I comment as I go along too. I hope that is okay with you.
Suggestion number one has nothing to do with the writing (I am riveted), but with the presentation. When it is the protagonist's thought, italics are most commonly used.
"...She caught the man's vision..." -- I suggest, "She caught sight of the man..." or something similar. (His vision belongs to him, yes? Even if, as I suspect, he is a ghost.)
Okay, this next suggestion is going to be difficult to understand -- it is for me too, but it came directly from one of the most reputable traditional publishing houses editors -- the use of exclamation marks should always be limited to very short commands, like "Stop!" or "Don't!" or "Watch out!" Use them sparingly. (She actually took the time to use the famed 'red pen' throughout my submission, which doesn't happen often. I was stoked, and the lesson has stayed with me since.)
I love that you are not using speech tags for every sentence -- it's a rookie's mistake.
"Everybody, they all scorn me. I need to die--escape from what they say I am?" -- this is another bad habit, and rest assured, I do it too -- too often. But as fledgling writers, we are not allowed to break the rules. Your sentence is a sentence (although I know you were trying to inflect a tone of voice that was questioning, not stating). No question mark -- a period.
"You must tell them why you have come to this. They will listen then." Here I would be more explicit. For example, "You must tell them what you were planning today, and why. They will listen."
At this point, author, I will stop to explain something because I have so many suggestions you might think I am being overly picky. Believe me, I am riveted -- compelled to read more of this story. I only spend this much time on a review when I love the work.
Your pacing is wonderful, and you are anchoring your scenes beautifully.
"I knew a boy your age, whose name was Joey." There's nothing wrong with what you have written, but I want to share another writing technique I think you will like -- to keep a reader's interest, sentence length matters. Being careful that the trick is not over-used, thereby making the read 'choppy', a good author will vary sentence length. E.g. = "I knew a boy your age. His name was Joey."
"I can't live with this pain anymore." Tears on her face now gleaming in the bright sun,... " There is a problem with punctuation here, and I've added a word -- it should be, "Yes," Mindy cried, "I can't live with this pain anymore," (the) tears on her face now gleaming in the bright sun(.) "I can't go back -- there is no other way out!" << see? I love the darn things too. (LOL)
But enough picking. You are obviously skilled enough to do the rest of the tweaking yourself. I am going to just enjoy the rest of your wonderful tale. (I REALLY want to use an exclamation mark here...)
Oops -- this one I have to correct: "...far longer than your..."<< you meant the abbreviation of you are = you're, not the possessive "your"
Okay, I admit it -- I can't stop reviewing and suggesting -- " I come here to cry for Joey." Here, I can guess you are so in tune with your plot's character that you tend to have the ghost visitor speak as a ghost might = "I come..." Better you stay with the past tense of the verb because the reader doesn't know he is a ghost yet, yes? Let's keep it a surprise... More punch that way, agreed?
One more suggestion, and then I will stop -- really. But this one is a small plot flaw, stretching believability, although it's easy to fix. Pick more complicated names -- Joey is too common for police to say what they did, as is Gerald.
Well, I did spot another couple of places I could make suggestions, but by now I am sure you'll catch them. In any event, I am blown away -- your characters are authentic, your dialogue natural, and the plot outstanding. I see why this won!
Comment Written 20-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 20-Nov-2022
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Wow, thank you, Ideasaregems. Can I call you that? You are exactly what I'm looking for, sheer talented professionalism. Give me time, I need to ingest your corrections completely. You are Brilliant!!!!
I'll get back to you. Brad
Comment from LJbutterfly
Congratulations on your well deserved win. This is a beautiful ghost story with a satisfying ending. I believe in strange things like the incident in your story. This is succinct and well written, with authentic dialogue. Well done.
reply by the author on 20-Nov-2022
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Congratulations on your well deserved win. This is a beautiful ghost story with a satisfying ending. I believe in strange things like the incident in your story. This is succinct and well written, with authentic dialogue. Well done.
Comment Written 20-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 20-Nov-2022
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Thanks, pretty butterfly, much appreciated.
Comment from Zue65
I just love this story. No wonder it is an all-time best seller and a Ghost Story contest winner. The dialogue and the conversations between the characters are on point and helped progressed the story until the end. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 20-Nov-2022
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I just love this story. No wonder it is an all-time best seller and a Ghost Story contest winner. The dialogue and the conversations between the characters are on point and helped progressed the story until the end. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 20-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 20-Nov-2022
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Thank you!
Comment from Wayne Fowler
I like it.
kids like her. - I don't know why, but 'kids like her' sounds a tiny bit off-putting to me. Like she's nothing special. Maybe 'kids who see no way out'.
I'm a bit confused. I thought that you couldn't post the same story more than once. Or is it that you can't enter in 2 different contests?
Best wishes.
reply by the author on 20-Nov-2022
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I like it.
kids like her. - I don't know why, but 'kids like her' sounds a tiny bit off-putting to me. Like she's nothing special. Maybe 'kids who see no way out'.
I'm a bit confused. I thought that you couldn't post the same story more than once. Or is it that you can't enter in 2 different contests?
Best wishes.
Comment Written 20-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 20-Nov-2022
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Thanks, Wayne, will look for kids 'like her,' don't remember writing that. Oh yes, you can repost but not in a contest. I placed it for feed back, as I'm going to enter it in a national contest.
