Comment from equestrik

Exceptional

This is beautiful writing and a beautiful presentation of both visual and your poe. I was deeply touched by this. I am so truly sorry for your incredible loss.

 Comment Written 09-Feb-2021

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reply by the author on 09-Feb-2021

Oh my goodness! Thank you, equestrix, for your encouraging review, and of course for all the stars. But especially, thank you for your sympathetic words. It's been a challenging time. I never imagined that simple, happy memories could also bring such longing and grief.

Comment from Iza Deleanu

Excellent

A birthday that wanted to be celebrated with mundane things as you call it: 'oday I rose and raked some sun-streaked leaves,
and listened to their fragile, fading call:
a dry and helpless whispered breath. Dear heart,
you always told me that your only wish
was just to make me happy" Thank you for sharing and good luck with the contest.

 Comment Written 08-Feb-2021

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reply by the author on 08-Feb-2021

Thank you, Iza. That birthday was a difficult day, for sure. Thank you for your comment.

Comment from robyn corum

Excellent

Dear Mystery Writer,

I cannot imagine what you must be feeling or suffering through. The loss of my spouse would be too much to even consider. Though I do think you have expressed your thoughts and feelings (emotions) super well here for the contest, and I really loved the use of the leaves and fall as a metaphor, the poem never really fell into either iambic or pentametric lines for me.

The meter was bumpy throughout (sorry!) and several of the lines ended with 11 syllables (and not in the feminine way, to my way of thinking?)

You might consider an edit or possibly take that part out of your notes - or even just ignore me altogether. *smile*

Thanks so much-

 Comment Written 08-Feb-2021

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reply by the author on 08-Feb-2021

Thank you for your very kind words, Robyn. This has been a bumpy ride, one that I wasn't prepared for, if that's even possible.

Since it has been such a bumpy ride, I've substituted a few anapests for iambs where appropriate. My cat, of course, hates that; she wants all Iambs (cat food) all the time! Many, many sonnets in iambic pentameter substitute other feet within the lines, such as dactyls and anapests, sometimes giving them more than 10 syllables. They are still poems in iambic pentameter because they consist of five feet of predominately iambs. Besides, strict iambic pentameter reminds me of falling asleep on a train:

A bump a bump a bump a bump a bump,
a bump a bump a bump a bump a bump.

I'm sorry; I know I'm not 'sposed to defend my work. I really appreciate your comments. You're telling me that the varied metrical feet in some of the lines were distracting, and that's important to know. I maybe should have used a different form, but I love sonnets! Thanks again for the helpful review. My cat I'll ignore, not anyone who takes the time to read and comment!

Comment from Hannah Baller

Good

I feel the raw emotion of your pain - this is real. I am so sorry for your loss.
The emotions of depression you have captured really well here and you're correct in finding joy in simple tasks when something traumatic happens.
My only comment would be the layout, space it out a little: I am dyslexic so struggled to read the poem as all the lines were spaced too close together. Readability is important :)
Thank you so much for sharing this poem, it's very special.

 Comment Written 08-Feb-2021

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reply by the author on 08-Feb-2021

Hannah, thank you so much! I never thought about line spacing. I'm so sorry. It's a difficult poem to break up into stanzas because of the enjambment I've used throughout. Maybe I can just add more space between all the lines. I'll have to play with that. Thank you for the suggestion and for taking the time to read and comment.

reply by Hannah Baller on 09-Feb-2021

No problem, again, it is a brilliant poem thank you for sharing