Sleep Tight - part three
Don't let the...24 total reviews
Comment from davisr (Rhonda)
Oh my gosh, G, you sure pulled me into your story. I'll go back and read the first ones as well. Wow, who is this "senior citizen" across the hall?? And what is happening to poor Sean? This is pure suspense, my friend.
Take care,
Rhonda
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2021
  |
Oh my gosh, G, you sure pulled me into your story. I'll go back and read the first ones as well. Wow, who is this "senior citizen" across the hall?? And what is happening to poor Sean? This is pure suspense, my friend.
Take care,
Rhonda
Comment Written 06-Feb-2021
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2021
-
He's a loon. Lol
Comment from Hannah Baller
I liked this story and can see you have put a lot of thought into this, so thank you for putting it out there for us to read. I enjoyed the premise of the story, it just needs some tweaking in parts.
"...bar the reddish spot..." - what's this reddish spot? It hasn't been mentioned before, so seems a little vague.
When referring to the para with: "...There were no apparent wounds on his legs..." From what I've read thus far, this character has only had pins and needles, maybe refer to a dream where he felt actual pain? Or a memory that confused them.
"...Sean ran a hand over the old, stained mattress but to no avail." - what's he looking for? it's a little odd that we are following something without really knowing what's going on. What's with the panic and confusion about his legs, and why does he link this issue with the old man down the hallway?
I appreciated the air of mystery at the end, this isn't the first time the old man has been disturbed by this boy, but it's frustrating about knowing what's being referred to - you don't want to frustrate the reader too much, just a little tease here and there.
The environment should be introduced early on in the first paragraph to set the scene, so the mention of a doss house would've been helpful as I had in my mind this boy was living on his own in his own flat/house, and had to retrace my steps and re-read the story.
I really liked: "...muted red numbers..." it is a great way to describe that hazy view of an alarm clock in the early hours of the morning. The quality in overall description is good, and the use of language in this manner is well-written, just ensure that the description is linked well to the topic. It's so easy to run off into a tangent, and I know this is a part 3, but to readers who are reading this for the first time, hints and referrals to what has passed will be great for you.
Again thank you so much for this story, it was good to read!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2021
 |
I liked this story and can see you have put a lot of thought into this, so thank you for putting it out there for us to read. I enjoyed the premise of the story, it just needs some tweaking in parts.
"...bar the reddish spot..." - what's this reddish spot? It hasn't been mentioned before, so seems a little vague.
When referring to the para with: "...There were no apparent wounds on his legs..." From what I've read thus far, this character has only had pins and needles, maybe refer to a dream where he felt actual pain? Or a memory that confused them.
"...Sean ran a hand over the old, stained mattress but to no avail." - what's he looking for? it's a little odd that we are following something without really knowing what's going on. What's with the panic and confusion about his legs, and why does he link this issue with the old man down the hallway?
I appreciated the air of mystery at the end, this isn't the first time the old man has been disturbed by this boy, but it's frustrating about knowing what's being referred to - you don't want to frustrate the reader too much, just a little tease here and there.
The environment should be introduced early on in the first paragraph to set the scene, so the mention of a doss house would've been helpful as I had in my mind this boy was living on his own in his own flat/house, and had to retrace my steps and re-read the story.
I really liked: "...muted red numbers..." it is a great way to describe that hazy view of an alarm clock in the early hours of the morning. The quality in overall description is good, and the use of language in this manner is well-written, just ensure that the description is linked well to the topic. It's so easy to run off into a tangent, and I know this is a part 3, but to readers who are reading this for the first time, hints and referrals to what has passed will be great for you.
Again thank you so much for this story, it was good to read!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 06-Feb-2021
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2021
-
Please don't read again. If you'd bothered to follow the whole story you might understand. If I give clues hints the whole way through it would be ridiculous.
-
All that needs to happen is to just mention a brief descriptive sentence in the beginning. I did this 'blinded' so couldn't view the whole story. I hope you can take on the feedback, it will help. Thank you once again :)
-
Your feedback isnt useful. You don't understand it because you haven't read it all. I really don't need your advice on how this site works.
-
It is a shame you can't take the feedback, but I appreciate your honesty.
-
I can take feedback. Don't mistake your opinion for fact. You come on site passing out all these very low reviews and ratings to folk without really getting it.
It holds no validity.
-
Surely the point is to help people improve their work? The amount of reviews I've given thus far has been positive with constructive feedback in each review. I'm not here to simper to people, and have high standards which are in line with the code of practice for the website. Not sure what more to say really, sorry you disagree.
-
I don't disagree with the sentiment just the conduct. As I asked you before, just avoid my work. You are not helpful.
-
Thank you for the mute. Saves me wasting my own
Comment from Sugarray77
Another good excerpt in this dark drama... or dark because it is night ;). I liked the build up of tension, pain and confusion.. all combining into a mystery, as I am sure is your intention. Great writing, as always, and I look forward to seeing what the old man has to say.
Melissa
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2021
|
Another good excerpt in this dark drama... or dark because it is night ;). I liked the build up of tension, pain and confusion.. all combining into a mystery, as I am sure is your intention. Great writing, as always, and I look forward to seeing what the old man has to say.
Melissa
Comment Written 06-Feb-2021
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2021
-
Yep. It's a mystery. Lol much appreciated.G
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
This is really spooky, Gareth. Some 'thing' is out to get him, but what? Everything in his life has changed, and although we think it can't get worse, it is. What does that elderly man have to do with it? I don't think his part is just to add substance, he's there for a reason. What was the blue haze? But mostly, what is in that bed? I wouldn't get in it again. In fact, I think I'd rather sleep on a bench in a park! Excellent part, and I eagerly away the next one. :)) Sandra.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2021
|
This is really spooky, Gareth. Some 'thing' is out to get him, but what? Everything in his life has changed, and although we think it can't get worse, it is. What does that elderly man have to do with it? I don't think his part is just to add substance, he's there for a reason. What was the blue haze? But mostly, what is in that bed? I wouldn't get in it again. In fact, I think I'd rather sleep on a bench in a park! Excellent part, and I eagerly away the next one. :)) Sandra.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 06-Feb-2021
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2021
-
Who knows? Not me. I just hope it all works by the end. Lol
-
Oh, that's not good!! LOL.
