Befriended
High School 25th Reunion8 total reviews
Comment from Sharon Nolen
Good story here. When you started it, I had the impression you were talking about a recent high school graduate; probably because he still lived at home. The story made me wonder why no one wanted to have anything to do with him. It left me with questions, like, why wasn't he working?
When the story ended, I started to think, this guy is still living at home? What made me think that was the fact that he was going to his 25th class reunion. Then I really started wondering, why is he still at home and not working?
But the most baffling part was when he entered the reunion and received a standing ovation from friends (who he didn't know as friend).
Now my question is, why were they giving him a standing ovation?
Hmmm.. makes you wonder.
So my final question is, is this a part of a longer story?
It was an enjoyable read.
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2021
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Good story here. When you started it, I had the impression you were talking about a recent high school graduate; probably because he still lived at home. The story made me wonder why no one wanted to have anything to do with him. It left me with questions, like, why wasn't he working?
When the story ended, I started to think, this guy is still living at home? What made me think that was the fact that he was going to his 25th class reunion. Then I really started wondering, why is he still at home and not working?
But the most baffling part was when he entered the reunion and received a standing ovation from friends (who he didn't know as friend).
Now my question is, why were they giving him a standing ovation?
Hmmm.. makes you wonder.
So my final question is, is this a part of a longer story?
It was an enjoyable read.
Comment Written 26-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2021
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No. I'm glad you enjoyed my story. Thank you!
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You're welcome.
Comment from Raffaelina Lowcock
It is a scenario that could possibly happen, once in a million. Too bad. He doesn't seem to be doing anything that would invite friendship, so what can he really expect?
NB:
but he hasn't (gain) any friends. He>>s/b 'gained'
them, but (give) him the cold>> s/b 'they gave'
Ralf
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2021
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It is a scenario that could possibly happen, once in a million. Too bad. He doesn't seem to be doing anything that would invite friendship, so what can he really expect?
NB:
but he hasn't (gain) any friends. He>>s/b 'gained'
them, but (give) him the cold>> s/b 'they gave'
Ralf
Comment Written 25-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2021
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Thanks! I have fixed the mistakes. I'm happy you enjoyed it!
Comment from LJbutterfly
This is a great subject that you are writing about, but it needs a little more detail. When you're limited to only 250 words, each word you choose has to introduce, describe, tell story, and draw a conclusion. The shorter the story, the more conscious you have to be of the words you choose. It's called "writing tight." Your story is good and you're on your way to becomming a great fiction writer. Best wishes in the contest.
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2021
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This is a great subject that you are writing about, but it needs a little more detail. When you're limited to only 250 words, each word you choose has to introduce, describe, tell story, and draw a conclusion. The shorter the story, the more conscious you have to be of the words you choose. It's called "writing tight." Your story is good and you're on your way to becomming a great fiction writer. Best wishes in the contest.
Comment Written 22-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2021
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Thanks! Thanks for the compliment!
Comment from Mary Vigasin
I see you tightened your story. So I changed rating
This needs a little work. Good story but you need a little more emotion in the introduction of Buddy. Believe me when I say I was like Buddy.
Why did Buddy not gain any friends? Was he awkward, shy? Did he not fit in with the other classmates because his interest were nerdy? Where other guys were playing football, Buddy was reading, playing chess, loved science? His classmates refused to talk to him why? probably did not find him interesting? handsome? awkward around girls? gay? With me, being new, I was invited to hang around with the in crowd, but when the tougher girls started to follow me around school and taunting me, the in crowd forgot my name and avoided me being afraid they would be dragged into my problems.
Let me know what you think and we can discuss, If you totally disagree, I will up my rating for an interesting story.
Mary
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2021
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I see you tightened your story. So I changed rating
This needs a little work. Good story but you need a little more emotion in the introduction of Buddy. Believe me when I say I was like Buddy.
Why did Buddy not gain any friends? Was he awkward, shy? Did he not fit in with the other classmates because his interest were nerdy? Where other guys were playing football, Buddy was reading, playing chess, loved science? His classmates refused to talk to him why? probably did not find him interesting? handsome? awkward around girls? gay? With me, being new, I was invited to hang around with the in crowd, but when the tougher girls started to follow me around school and taunting me, the in crowd forgot my name and avoided me being afraid they would be dragged into my problems.
Let me know what you think and we can discuss, If you totally disagree, I will up my rating for an interesting story.
Mary
Comment Written 21-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2021
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Thanks! I can't change because it has to be 250 words of a story. Thanks anyway!
Comment from Irish Rain
Oh, so sweet.
I think Buddy never realized how
truly special he is, and thank goodness
his friends finally realized this,
and want to make amends.
Life is looking up for Buddy!!
Blessings...
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2021
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Oh, so sweet.
I think Buddy never realized how
truly special he is, and thank goodness
his friends finally realized this,
and want to make amends.
Life is looking up for Buddy!!
Blessings...
Comment Written 21-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2021
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Thanks!
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Have a happy tomorrow!!!
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Thanks, my friend! Have a great day! :)
Comment from Judy Lawless
Hi Raul. This is an interesting story that many of us can relate to. I have a few suggestions:
Check your use of tense. You switch back and forth from present to past. i.e. Buddy (has - remove) graduated from high school(,) but (he) didn't gain (hasn't might work better than didn't gain here) any friends. He still lives with his parents. As a result, his former classmates refuse(d - remove the "d" to make it present tense) to talk to him. He tried (again, change to present tense) to befriend them(,) but (gave - give) him the cold shoulder. This is when he thinks that he's through with those people.
I think that if you go through the rest of the story to look for these things (tense and commas) and fix them, it will make for a better read.
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2021
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Hi Raul. This is an interesting story that many of us can relate to. I have a few suggestions:
Check your use of tense. You switch back and forth from present to past. i.e. Buddy (has - remove) graduated from high school(,) but (he) didn't gain (hasn't might work better than didn't gain here) any friends. He still lives with his parents. As a result, his former classmates refuse(d - remove the "d" to make it present tense) to talk to him. He tried (again, change to present tense) to befriend them(,) but (gave - give) him the cold shoulder. This is when he thinks that he's through with those people.
I think that if you go through the rest of the story to look for these things (tense and commas) and fix them, it will make for a better read.
Comment Written 21-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2021
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Thanks! I have fixed it. Thank you for the help. I think it reads better. Please check it.
Comment from l.raven
Hi Raul, time can heal many things my sweet friend...
and growing up gives us wisdom to live by...I love your story
told you...and the perfect picture...very well written you...love Linda xxoo
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2021
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Hi Raul, time can heal many things my sweet friend...
and growing up gives us wisdom to live by...I love your story
told you...and the perfect picture...very well written you...love Linda xxoo
Comment Written 21-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2021
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Thanks! I'm glad you enjoyed it.
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your so welcome my sweet friend...xxoo love
Comment from nomi338
Much to my own surprise, I have found that the way I saw myself when I was a young man, does not resemble the way I was viewed by others. I was totally shocked to find that there were some girls, more than one or two who actually thought that I was cute. I never suspected that. I was so painfully shy that I never found the courage to even approach them. This story proves how foolish it is to suppose without evidence that we are not liked.
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2021
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Much to my own surprise, I have found that the way I saw myself when I was a young man, does not resemble the way I was viewed by others. I was totally shocked to find that there were some girls, more than one or two who actually thought that I was cute. I never suspected that. I was so painfully shy that I never found the courage to even approach them. This story proves how foolish it is to suppose without evidence that we are not liked.
Comment Written 21-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2021
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Thanks! Yes, you're right. It does prove a point.
