All in the Family
Blood's Deep, Oh So Deep42 total reviews
Comment from Jean Lutz1
Another excellent work of words from yesterday, today and tomorrow if it comes. Could be my words, your words or a chorus of souls -- not lonely, just embracing aloneness. Best wishes with your entry.
reply by the author on 10-Feb-2021
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Another excellent work of words from yesterday, today and tomorrow if it comes. Could be my words, your words or a chorus of souls -- not lonely, just embracing aloneness. Best wishes with your entry.
Comment Written 10-Feb-2021
reply by the author on 10-Feb-2021
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Thanks for the best wishes on the contest. It didn't do well, unfortunately. But it was a fun challenge.
Comment from Jeff Watkins
I entered this contest, and now I know why you won and I didn't. The voices of the speakers come through loud and clear. The skill here is remarkable.
However, I find that dialogue only form requires so much effort to keep in mind who is speaking that I lose my focus on character and story.
reply by the author on 08-Feb-2021
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I entered this contest, and now I know why you won and I didn't. The voices of the speakers come through loud and clear. The skill here is remarkable.
However, I find that dialogue only form requires so much effort to keep in mind who is speaking that I lose my focus on character and story.
Comment Written 08-Feb-2021
reply by the author on 08-Feb-2021
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"Dialogue only" does take concentration. Thank you, Jeff for the compliment, but I didn't win. I didn't even place or show. But I still liked my submission.
Comment from --Turtle.
Solid job with this piece, connecting with siblings and family drama. Gathering around the bedside, and children ... even in the end, wanting approval, love... connection. Being denied. The gaps between given disappointments and beliefs. All captured nicely in dialog only. Pure dialog.
Strong drama. By the end, there's the culmination of wonderings. Did the father kill mother? Maybe not intentionally. Mental illness ... and meds... uhg, guilt ... wanting to blame someone. So many toxic emotions and now, for Robert... there's only acceptance and moving on. No wonder his damn's... as last chances slip beyond reach. Even if he wants to blame the father for all the toxic that came from him. ...
Like I said, all lovely muddled into dialog here.
(I also thought of a meme from star wars. And a moment from my own personal past.
The star wars meme... when Yoda up and died (and meme'rs blamed Luke's incessent questions) Here, the kids are all fussing around Father, and he finds the strength to let go peacefully. Lay there and listen to the kids squabbling voices a bit more, or die...
The other was when my aunt was in home hospice, and my cousins being a bit special... arguing, and the point when, one of them demanded that maybe her mom needed a bit of privacy for a moment. So she could die in peace, that she probably didn't want to be rude and die with everyone there. Being shoved outside and standing on the sidewalk in a large group... me suggesting maybe at least 'someone' should be inside the house? And watching all her kids sibling wrestle to get back inside.)
Few thoughts along the way:
"The show would've been canceled."
(This made me chuckle. To this point, the conversation has given a strong tone of siblings gathered around a dying and flawed father figure. Once maybe iron-strong, and even more iron-minded. By here, it's clear that one of the siblings is gay, and he and the father did not see eye to eye on the mater.
Side note I thought about here... being glad to be free of the shackles of being 'disgraced' or worried about my child's future orientation. Not that long ago, my daughter told me she was going to marry another girl. I asked, why's that... and her logic was very cute and also showing of her current pain in this isolated time. She was planning on marrying a girl, so they could have babies at the same time, so the siblings could be the same age. Only child syndrome. Wanting siblings and wanting them as quick as possible. The quickest way would be to marry a girl so they could start making them at the same time. But ... I'm way off thought here.)
a comparatively normal, balanced life, to suddenly flush her meds down
(In truth, this feels kind of like the normal family, skeletons in the closet. Mental illness, homosexuality, and twisted drama. Not showing up to weddings, funerals... affairs. Not wanting to believe suicide could truly have no reason... the possibility that domestic issues could result in pushing someone over the edge. The imperfections of life and death... and getting over it all, or not.)
I'm late to reading, but still enjoyed very much.
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2021
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Solid job with this piece, connecting with siblings and family drama. Gathering around the bedside, and children ... even in the end, wanting approval, love... connection. Being denied. The gaps between given disappointments and beliefs. All captured nicely in dialog only. Pure dialog.
Strong drama. By the end, there's the culmination of wonderings. Did the father kill mother? Maybe not intentionally. Mental illness ... and meds... uhg, guilt ... wanting to blame someone. So many toxic emotions and now, for Robert... there's only acceptance and moving on. No wonder his damn's... as last chances slip beyond reach. Even if he wants to blame the father for all the toxic that came from him. ...
Like I said, all lovely muddled into dialog here.
(I also thought of a meme from star wars. And a moment from my own personal past.
The star wars meme... when Yoda up and died (and meme'rs blamed Luke's incessent questions) Here, the kids are all fussing around Father, and he finds the strength to let go peacefully. Lay there and listen to the kids squabbling voices a bit more, or die...
The other was when my aunt was in home hospice, and my cousins being a bit special... arguing, and the point when, one of them demanded that maybe her mom needed a bit of privacy for a moment. So she could die in peace, that she probably didn't want to be rude and die with everyone there. Being shoved outside and standing on the sidewalk in a large group... me suggesting maybe at least 'someone' should be inside the house? And watching all her kids sibling wrestle to get back inside.)
Few thoughts along the way:
"The show would've been canceled."
(This made me chuckle. To this point, the conversation has given a strong tone of siblings gathered around a dying and flawed father figure. Once maybe iron-strong, and even more iron-minded. By here, it's clear that one of the siblings is gay, and he and the father did not see eye to eye on the mater.
Side note I thought about here... being glad to be free of the shackles of being 'disgraced' or worried about my child's future orientation. Not that long ago, my daughter told me she was going to marry another girl. I asked, why's that... and her logic was very cute and also showing of her current pain in this isolated time. She was planning on marrying a girl, so they could have babies at the same time, so the siblings could be the same age. Only child syndrome. Wanting siblings and wanting them as quick as possible. The quickest way would be to marry a girl so they could start making them at the same time. But ... I'm way off thought here.)
a comparatively normal, balanced life, to suddenly flush her meds down
(In truth, this feels kind of like the normal family, skeletons in the closet. Mental illness, homosexuality, and twisted drama. Not showing up to weddings, funerals... affairs. Not wanting to believe suicide could truly have no reason... the possibility that domestic issues could result in pushing someone over the edge. The imperfections of life and death... and getting over it all, or not.)
I'm late to reading, but still enjoyed very much.
Comment Written 06-Feb-2021
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2021
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Thank you so much. Turtle. About your side-note. Your daughter sounds young. Is she actually gay, or a 10-year-old finding a solution to a child's problem? I ask because my daughter (now 46) is gay, but she doesn't seem to have any desire for children.
Once again, thanks for your wonderfully complete review and your 6 stars.
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My daughter is only 7.
She could be gay, kind of runs in my family so... who knows, but more likely just a kid. She's had 5 'boyfriend crushes' already, ugh. One or two each school year, so I figure she's just identifying solutions to the problem of one baby at a time unless they are twins.
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Yeah, it sounded like a non-sexually oriented conundrum.
Comment from Father Flaps
Hi Jay,
When someone is passing away, families come together for the event. And they bring all the dirt with them... strained relationships, ghosts in the closets, memories revisited, things that should have been said... but weren't, etc. It's awkward, and then (finally) it's over. And each person has to deal with the loss in his/her own way.
I especially liked these lines from Robert,
"He's a hollow shell of a boat. Oarless. Adrift in the weeds. Look at him. His mouth sagging open. No longer able to hold that firm, authoritarian jaw. Now there's only a faraway flicker left in him. And that's waiting to be snuffed out."
I remember when my father-in-law passed. It was very difficult. I loved him like my own father. Death is so ... final.
I sense the tension throughout your piece, feelings unexpressed.
I wish you had a bit of explanation in there though. It was hard to follow from just the dialogue. I had to go back and read it a second time. I actually jotted down the names of the brothers and sisters to try to understand the scene better. I wonder if it might have been easier to understand as a script? Then it would be clearer to know who was speaking. But then it wouldn't have been acceptable for this particular contest, "Dialogue Only".
I really enjoyed the part of the conversation about Archie Bunker. And imagining what Archie would have said, would have done... if Gloria had been a lesbian. Prejudiced to the nth degree, Archie might have said a lot. But would he? Could he slam his own daughter with accusations? name calling? Meathead was an easy target. But his own daughter, if Meathead had been Melanie?
I enjoyed Archie for the humor. He was so prejudiced, he didn't even realize what he was saying most of the time.
And the PB & J... with mayo??? Who could possibly eat that?
Here's what I gathered after the second reading...
George (Dad) and his wife had 3 kids, all adults now.
Two sisters... Violet was the oldest, and Alice.
Robert (the poet) was the son, and he was homosexual, married to an artist (Howie), who the mother accepted, but George did not, could not. It caused a rift in the family.
George was just 72 years old. (That's only 2 years older than me!)
His wife died 7 years earlier, possibly at the age of 64 (give or take a couple of years).
"All In The Family" is a great title for your entry. Another could be "Family Ties".
Good Luck in the contest!
Cheers,
Kimbob
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2021
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Hi Jay,
When someone is passing away, families come together for the event. And they bring all the dirt with them... strained relationships, ghosts in the closets, memories revisited, things that should have been said... but weren't, etc. It's awkward, and then (finally) it's over. And each person has to deal with the loss in his/her own way.
I especially liked these lines from Robert,
"He's a hollow shell of a boat. Oarless. Adrift in the weeds. Look at him. His mouth sagging open. No longer able to hold that firm, authoritarian jaw. Now there's only a faraway flicker left in him. And that's waiting to be snuffed out."
I remember when my father-in-law passed. It was very difficult. I loved him like my own father. Death is so ... final.
I sense the tension throughout your piece, feelings unexpressed.
I wish you had a bit of explanation in there though. It was hard to follow from just the dialogue. I had to go back and read it a second time. I actually jotted down the names of the brothers and sisters to try to understand the scene better. I wonder if it might have been easier to understand as a script? Then it would be clearer to know who was speaking. But then it wouldn't have been acceptable for this particular contest, "Dialogue Only".
I really enjoyed the part of the conversation about Archie Bunker. And imagining what Archie would have said, would have done... if Gloria had been a lesbian. Prejudiced to the nth degree, Archie might have said a lot. But would he? Could he slam his own daughter with accusations? name calling? Meathead was an easy target. But his own daughter, if Meathead had been Melanie?
I enjoyed Archie for the humor. He was so prejudiced, he didn't even realize what he was saying most of the time.
And the PB & J... with mayo??? Who could possibly eat that?
Here's what I gathered after the second reading...
George (Dad) and his wife had 3 kids, all adults now.
Two sisters... Violet was the oldest, and Alice.
Robert (the poet) was the son, and he was homosexual, married to an artist (Howie), who the mother accepted, but George did not, could not. It caused a rift in the family.
George was just 72 years old. (That's only 2 years older than me!)
His wife died 7 years earlier, possibly at the age of 64 (give or take a couple of years).
"All In The Family" is a great title for your entry. Another could be "Family Ties".
Good Luck in the contest!
Cheers,
Kimbob
Comment Written 27-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2021
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Such a thoroughly complete review, Kimbob. I didn't realize how complex the story was until you offered your exposition. This is so worthy of the reviewer recognition referral, and I would be giving you one if I had one. Your name goes on my list for the first of next month.
As far as the drawbacks to a dialogue-only story, I didn't find out until after I had written and submitted it that dialogue tags are allowed. I don't think many others are aware of that either. Personally, I think it's a horrible allowance.
At any rate, thank you, my dear friend, for taking the time to really crack the code to this piece. I appreciate you!
Comment from Rosemary Everson1
'All in the family' sure brings back many memories. I guess there is one thing about dying in peace, it's nice if someone is there to hold a loved ones hand. Even if they say nothing at the very last minute, they close their eyes peacefully.
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2021
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'All in the family' sure brings back many memories. I guess there is one thing about dying in peace, it's nice if someone is there to hold a loved ones hand. Even if they say nothing at the very last minute, they close their eyes peacefully.
Comment Written 27-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2021
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Ah, yes, Thank you, Rosemary. That's the way it should be, huh? I appreciate your reading this and your lovely stars.
Comment from Bill Schott
This gathering of siblings presents some believable dialogue among the doting daughter Alice, black sheep Bobby, and negotiating Violet.
Robert's gay marriage was apparently a wedge that never narrowed.
The conversation seems appropriate for the occasion, and it all works together with what I'd expect except Violet's short talk with Dad. I'm not sure whether he's talking, she's talking as his 'bird', or what. It seems to have appeared here with other reaction from Violet.
The end comes and all but Robert seem to accept that with ease. I guess one last word from the man was somehow needed.
Sorry it took so long to get to this, Jay. I have to give myself some time to see all that's here.
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2021
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This gathering of siblings presents some believable dialogue among the doting daughter Alice, black sheep Bobby, and negotiating Violet.
Robert's gay marriage was apparently a wedge that never narrowed.
The conversation seems appropriate for the occasion, and it all works together with what I'd expect except Violet's short talk with Dad. I'm not sure whether he's talking, she's talking as his 'bird', or what. It seems to have appeared here with other reaction from Violet.
The end comes and all but Robert seem to accept that with ease. I guess one last word from the man was somehow needed.
Sorry it took so long to get to this, Jay. I have to give myself some time to see all that's here.
Comment Written 27-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2021
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Bill, no apology is ever needed. You are always so kind with your reviews, for which I'm forever indebted. About that odd placement of the dad's dialogue with Vi, it was more filler, truth be known, since I was in the awkward position of having Vi alone with not enough time passage before Alice can return with the eats. What's a guy gonna do? Why, he's gonna have the dead come to life. Apparently it didn't cause any huge problems with the readers. You were the only one who mentioned it. (So mum's the word, pal).
Thanks also for the beautiful order of the chartreuse cross.
Comment from Leann DS
Skillful dialogue showing so many components in this specific dysfunctional family. It clearly illustrates family roles, many emotions as they fluctuate throughout the story, and even the personalities of the parents who are not included in the dialogue. Very well done. Hugs.
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2021
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Skillful dialogue showing so many components in this specific dysfunctional family. It clearly illustrates family roles, many emotions as they fluctuate throughout the story, and even the personalities of the parents who are not included in the dialogue. Very well done. Hugs.
Comment Written 27-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2021
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THank you, Leann. Your kind words and stars are appreciated.
Comment from Mastery
It seemed like a long one, jay but a very good story no matter the length. Was this based on a true event in your life, Jay? It seems so base...like you really lived it. The dialogue is super throughout. It all seemed so natural. Good job, my friend. Bob
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2021
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It seemed like a long one, jay but a very good story no matter the length. Was this based on a true event in your life, Jay? It seems so base...like you really lived it. The dialogue is super throughout. It all seemed so natural. Good job, my friend. Bob
Comment Written 26-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2021
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I was the father. No, I was just kidding. But thank you, Bob, for reading it. I just found out after laboring so hard on it that dialogue tags are allowable, which I think is stupid. Anyway, thanks for the lovely six stars.
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:) Bob
Comment from CR Delport
Very well written. Its interesting with strong characters and good dialogue. I didn't find any errors. There are a few places I would have been a little less wordy, but that's me, it seems to work for you. for instance ... A man wrestling with his personal demons? ... Arent all demons personal? A man wrestling with his demons? just a suggestion.
Good job.
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2021
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Very well written. Its interesting with strong characters and good dialogue. I didn't find any errors. There are a few places I would have been a little less wordy, but that's me, it seems to work for you. for instance ... A man wrestling with his personal demons? ... Arent all demons personal? A man wrestling with his demons? just a suggestion.
Good job.
Comment Written 26-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2021
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Thank you so much, C.R. for your kindness and your observations. I will have to hide my writerly persona behind Robert, who is a bit of a wordy fellow. In the particular instance you pointed out, I did want "personal" so it would contrast with his claim of the "social" requirement the public needed for book sales. But thank you for looking for ways to tighten my prose.
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Thank you so much, C.R. for your kindness and your observations. I will have to hide my writerly persona behind Robert, who is a bit of a wordy fellow. In the particular instance you pointed out, I did want "personal" so it would contrast with his claim of the "social" requirement the public needed for book sales. But thank you for looking for ways to tighten my prose.
Comment from country ranch writer
People think only of their selves when some one is dying. You have to make time fir one day you will regret not being there.
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2021
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People think only of their selves when some one is dying. You have to make time fir one day you will regret not being there.
Comment Written 26-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2021
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Many thanks BJ. I appreciate your kind words and the stars.
