There Was a Knock on the Door
a short story10 total reviews
Comment from Sharon Nolen
Wow this one took me by surprise, both at the beginning and at the end.
The ending was fine in itself, but I was a little lost. As a reader, when I read the sentence "I woke up later where I fell. My house was emptied of anything valuable and I had a cookie in my hand", I was a little confused. Did you actually fall or were you attacked? I asked because it seemed as if you were robbed. I didn't know what to make of it. But the ending was definitely not what I was expecting, which is what makes it intriguing for me. Good job!
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2021
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Wow this one took me by surprise, both at the beginning and at the end.
The ending was fine in itself, but I was a little lost. As a reader, when I read the sentence "I woke up later where I fell. My house was emptied of anything valuable and I had a cookie in my hand", I was a little confused. Did you actually fall or were you attacked? I asked because it seemed as if you were robbed. I didn't know what to make of it. But the ending was definitely not what I was expecting, which is what makes it intriguing for me. Good job!
Comment Written 19-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2021
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Hi, Sharon. With the preceding lines:
"Sure, well, where is she?"
"Behind you, Dummy!"
I had hoped you would infer a second person behind him who may have clocked him.
Happy day.
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Oh ok. I was a little slow. Thanks for pointing that out. You're right. Somebody had to clock him. Well, you did do a great job.
Comment from rockmann
The big question is, of course, what kind of cookie was it? The naked girl was 90? And this guy fell for it? Hmmmm. He should probably get his eyes examined! Nice short story. Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2021
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The big question is, of course, what kind of cookie was it? The naked girl was 90? And this guy fell for it? Hmmmm. He should probably get his eyes examined! Nice short story. Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 17-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2021
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Some people are cookie-blind, I guess.
Comment from tempeste
Ciao mystery poet, you now have 6 votes.
This is the best line:
Being an intelligent man, I immediately discerned that this woman needed help.
I enjoyed the humour
...finding a cookie in your hand ...
Could have suggested that the burglars felt sorry for ripping off such a polite man ( biggrin)
... in all honesty though, I don't think I would have eaten the cookie.
You're lucky the two, just as a last prank,didn't put laxative in the cookie.
( biggrin)
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2021
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Ciao mystery poet, you now have 6 votes.
This is the best line:
Being an intelligent man, I immediately discerned that this woman needed help.
I enjoyed the humour
...finding a cookie in your hand ...
Could have suggested that the burglars felt sorry for ripping off such a polite man ( biggrin)
... in all honesty though, I don't think I would have eaten the cookie.
You're lucky the two, just as a last prank,didn't put laxative in the cookie.
( biggrin)
Comment Written 17-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2021
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Thank you, t, for the great review and support.
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You are welcome .. it was a creative entry !
Comment from Goodadvicechan
This is an interesting story. You are a good story teller. The story is well written from the door knock to losing everything.
Just a thought, I would not use a ninety year old as bait. I still gave a five.
Happy writing.
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2021
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This is an interesting story. You are a good story teller. The story is well written from the door knock to losing everything.
Just a thought, I would not use a ninety year old as bait. I still gave a five.
Happy writing.
Comment Written 17-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2021
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She was actually eighty-seven. Thank you for the great review.
Comment from Mary Vigasin
I love this. First it made me so sad about an elderly lady with dementia and was expecting this sad story of her to carry it through. But then the rug is pulled out from under the reader.
This was clever, fun and creative.
Good luck in the contest.
Regards,
mary
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2021
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I love this. First it made me so sad about an elderly lady with dementia and was expecting this sad story of her to carry it through. But then the rug is pulled out from under the reader.
This was clever, fun and creative.
Good luck in the contest.
Regards,
mary
Comment Written 16-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2021
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Thanks, Mary
Comment from Katherine M. (k-11)
This is an extremely spooky story, that set my nerves jangling right from the information that a naked ninety year old lady was on the doorstep.
The only bit that could benefit from being tightened up is:
I woke up later where I fell. My house was emptied of anything valuable and I had a cookie in my hand.
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2021
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This is an extremely spooky story, that set my nerves jangling right from the information that a naked ninety year old lady was on the doorstep.
The only bit that could benefit from being tightened up is:
I woke up later where I fell. My house was emptied of anything valuable and I had a cookie in my hand.
Comment Written 16-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2021
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Yes. I wanted word count and I was in a hurry.
Comment from sunnilicious
Wow, that's some story. A bad one indeed, but well thought out as it was clearly written. Strong, naked, old lady... Crazy story. That story turn a sharp turn. And you ate the evidence, cookie. You shocked me. Good work. Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2021
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Wow, that's some story. A bad one indeed, but well thought out as it was clearly written. Strong, naked, old lady... Crazy story. That story turn a sharp turn. And you ate the evidence, cookie. You shocked me. Good work. Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 16-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2021
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Thanks, sunnilicious
Comment from Wendy G
That is a striking story - please forgive the pun. It is well-written, and imaginative, and it built up gently to the ending which was quite unexpected! Sending good wishes for the contest.
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2021
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That is a striking story - please forgive the pun. It is well-written, and imaginative, and it built up gently to the ending which was quite unexpected! Sending good wishes for the contest.
Comment Written 16-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2021
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Thank you, Wendy.
Comment from Iza Deleanu
This is a very funny story despite the tragedy and at least they let you live. I laughed reading this part: "I woke up later where I fell. My house was emptied of anything valuable and I had a cookie in my hand.
I called the police and ate the cookie." Thank you for sharing and good luck with your writings.
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2021
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This is a very funny story despite the tragedy and at least they let you live. I laughed reading this part: "I woke up later where I fell. My house was emptied of anything valuable and I had a cookie in my hand.
I called the police and ate the cookie." Thank you for sharing and good luck with your writings.
Comment Written 16-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2021
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Thanks, Iza
Comment from LeftHandedScribe
"I called the police and ate the cookie." I got that this could have been the evidence...whatever it means, it's a brilliant closing line. So much intrigue and tension in this wonderful poem.
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2021
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"I called the police and ate the cookie." I got that this could have been the evidence...whatever it means, it's a brilliant closing line. So much intrigue and tension in this wonderful poem.
Comment Written 16-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2021
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Thanks, LHS
