The Spirit of the Wind
Viewing comments for Chapter 20 "A Christmas Tree"Newylwed homesteader Jane becomes a widow
14 total reviews
Comment from CrystieCookie999
Very strong chapter. Love this description: And in the evening the vast horizon glittered as if there were clusters of diamonds we could skim from the snow's surface.
This is going to be a review that focuses on comma usage.
The moon and stars reflected from the snow so we could see almost as good as day.
Put a comma after snow, since there are two independent clauses here.
With Mr. Greeley to feed the livestock Jake was left with time on his hands, but I didn't mind.
I would put a comma after livestock.
He liked to whittle with wood to pass the time, as we often sat with my son in a circle warmed by a glowing fire.
I would suggest putting a comma after circle for the sake of a little breath.
He'd even whittled a miniature replica of the manger scene along with a baby Jesus.
I would suggest putting a comma after scene.
I took the time to knit some stocking to hang over the fireplace.
Change singular stocking to plural stockings.
That night he looked at me and I could almost hear his mind churning like a wheelhouse grinding.
I would put a comma after That night he looked at me
and also after churning
I woke next morning to a gentle snow falling with edge of frost on the window of my bedroom.
I think I would say "an edge of frost" so just add the article 'an' in front of that phrase.
"Did I fail to tell you common sense and faith do best hand and hand?"
I think you mean 'do best hand in hand' there. So just change and to in.
Little Josh came running up to me with his matted hair, and tried the sleep from his eyes.
I must admit, I am not sure why it is 'tried' there. It must be an archaic use of the word.
You are almost to heavy lift. Why you are heavier than a sack of corn?"
Change 'to heavy' to too heavy.
I would put a comma after Why since it is a soft-spoken interjection.
I noted Sky had plucked the feathers of our goose named Molly, and had the bird set to boil.
I think you mean Skye and not Sky, to keep character name consistent. Also, you can take out the comma after Molly. (just double verb)
As the day wore on, I watched the rim of the sun fade away in the west.
Very nice sentence and still to the point.
I pinned my hopes to the north and prayed in my rocker where I strained to see across the open prairie in the fading light.
I would put a comma after rocker for a breathing spot.
My son fell asleep on our rug, playing with cowboy and Indian men, Jake had whittled from wood.
I would say: My son fell asleep on our rug, too tired to keep playing with the cowboy and Indian men that Jake had whittled from wood.
As the night crawled along, Skye placed a shawl over my shoulder.
Nice touch here.
My eyes fell like lead curtains and I dozed.
You want a comma after curtains to separate the two independent clauses.
A rap on the door rattled my senses.
Boy, this is poetic!
It took my breadth.
breath
Skye slid the bar from the door. When she opened it, thick flakes fluttered in the brush of cold air.
Great description.
But no one stood before us unless it were a ghost.
I think I might put a long dash between us and unless, or at least a comma.
I yelled. "who's out there?
"Who's out there?"
Josh leaped into his arms. "Pappa!"
"Papa!"
Mr. Greeley stepped inside along with Jake, doing the jig to shake the snow off.
(Laughing, ha).
After Jake set me down and let me breathe, I spoke. "Hang your coats on a nail and warm yourselves by the fire."
put a comma after nail
"Do you mind if I invite some guests?" asked Jake with sheepish grin.
put article 'a' in front of sheepish grin
"For Lands Sake, you mean for Christmas?"
land's sake
Standing in the doorway, was Redhawk and Joseph.
Take comma out after doorway and say:
Standing in the doorway were Redhawk and Joseph.
"Merry Christmas and make yourselves at home."
Put a comma after Christmas to separate two independent thoughts. This one is debatable, though.
That night the men told stories about how they followed the glow of the evening sky from the north star to the milky way, like a painted sky of trinkets leading them home where they presented gifts of fur.
Capitalize Milky Way
I would put a comma after home
When Jake and I retired behind our door, he slipped my Christmas gift into my hand, a necklace made of gold.
Try: As Jake and I retired behind our door, slipped my Christmas gift into my hand. It was a necklace made of gold.
What a great post for this time of year.
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2020
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Very strong chapter. Love this description: And in the evening the vast horizon glittered as if there were clusters of diamonds we could skim from the snow's surface.
This is going to be a review that focuses on comma usage.
The moon and stars reflected from the snow so we could see almost as good as day.
Put a comma after snow, since there are two independent clauses here.
With Mr. Greeley to feed the livestock Jake was left with time on his hands, but I didn't mind.
I would put a comma after livestock.
He liked to whittle with wood to pass the time, as we often sat with my son in a circle warmed by a glowing fire.
I would suggest putting a comma after circle for the sake of a little breath.
He'd even whittled a miniature replica of the manger scene along with a baby Jesus.
I would suggest putting a comma after scene.
I took the time to knit some stocking to hang over the fireplace.
Change singular stocking to plural stockings.
That night he looked at me and I could almost hear his mind churning like a wheelhouse grinding.
I would put a comma after That night he looked at me
and also after churning
I woke next morning to a gentle snow falling with edge of frost on the window of my bedroom.
I think I would say "an edge of frost" so just add the article 'an' in front of that phrase.
"Did I fail to tell you common sense and faith do best hand and hand?"
I think you mean 'do best hand in hand' there. So just change and to in.
Little Josh came running up to me with his matted hair, and tried the sleep from his eyes.
I must admit, I am not sure why it is 'tried' there. It must be an archaic use of the word.
You are almost to heavy lift. Why you are heavier than a sack of corn?"
Change 'to heavy' to too heavy.
I would put a comma after Why since it is a soft-spoken interjection.
I noted Sky had plucked the feathers of our goose named Molly, and had the bird set to boil.
I think you mean Skye and not Sky, to keep character name consistent. Also, you can take out the comma after Molly. (just double verb)
As the day wore on, I watched the rim of the sun fade away in the west.
Very nice sentence and still to the point.
I pinned my hopes to the north and prayed in my rocker where I strained to see across the open prairie in the fading light.
I would put a comma after rocker for a breathing spot.
My son fell asleep on our rug, playing with cowboy and Indian men, Jake had whittled from wood.
I would say: My son fell asleep on our rug, too tired to keep playing with the cowboy and Indian men that Jake had whittled from wood.
As the night crawled along, Skye placed a shawl over my shoulder.
Nice touch here.
My eyes fell like lead curtains and I dozed.
You want a comma after curtains to separate the two independent clauses.
A rap on the door rattled my senses.
Boy, this is poetic!
It took my breadth.
breath
Skye slid the bar from the door. When she opened it, thick flakes fluttered in the brush of cold air.
Great description.
But no one stood before us unless it were a ghost.
I think I might put a long dash between us and unless, or at least a comma.
I yelled. "who's out there?
"Who's out there?"
Josh leaped into his arms. "Pappa!"
"Papa!"
Mr. Greeley stepped inside along with Jake, doing the jig to shake the snow off.
(Laughing, ha).
After Jake set me down and let me breathe, I spoke. "Hang your coats on a nail and warm yourselves by the fire."
put a comma after nail
"Do you mind if I invite some guests?" asked Jake with sheepish grin.
put article 'a' in front of sheepish grin
"For Lands Sake, you mean for Christmas?"
land's sake
Standing in the doorway, was Redhawk and Joseph.
Take comma out after doorway and say:
Standing in the doorway were Redhawk and Joseph.
"Merry Christmas and make yourselves at home."
Put a comma after Christmas to separate two independent thoughts. This one is debatable, though.
That night the men told stories about how they followed the glow of the evening sky from the north star to the milky way, like a painted sky of trinkets leading them home where they presented gifts of fur.
Capitalize Milky Way
I would put a comma after home
When Jake and I retired behind our door, he slipped my Christmas gift into my hand, a necklace made of gold.
Try: As Jake and I retired behind our door, slipped my Christmas gift into my hand. It was a necklace made of gold.
What a great post for this time of year.
Comment Written 06-Dec-2020
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2020
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Thanks Christie. Sometimes I don't think I deserve that golden cross. But I appreciate the help and always welcome it. I'm saving the message post so I can go back. I'm glad you saw those places in the work that needed stitching!
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No problem. I like reading your stuff.
Comment from Alaskastory
"A Christmas Tree" shows a nice move with Jake's health improved.
Did you mean pried or dried in "tried the sleep from his eyes"?
Did you mean --too heavy to lift instead of "almost to heavy lift"?
Enjoyable chapter.
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2020
  |
"A Christmas Tree" shows a nice move with Jake's health improved.
Did you mean pried or dried in "tried the sleep from his eyes"?
Did you mean --too heavy to lift instead of "almost to heavy lift"?
Enjoyable chapter.
Comment Written 06-Dec-2020
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2020
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Yes, I need to change it. Thanks!
Comment from RetroStarfish
This is a nicely told story, and can almost stand alone, since most of the characters are explained. I especially like the dialogue, which is engaging, yet true to the setting and time. There are some minor typos - Skye is misspelled in the 12 paragraph and later: I yelled. "who's out there?
It should read: I yelled, "Who's out there?"
These are minor points in a great chapter and a pleasure to review.
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2020
|
This is a nicely told story, and can almost stand alone, since most of the characters are explained. I especially like the dialogue, which is engaging, yet true to the setting and time. There are some minor typos - Skye is misspelled in the 12 paragraph and later: I yelled. "who's out there?
It should read: I yelled, "Who's out there?"
These are minor points in a great chapter and a pleasure to review.
Comment Written 05-Dec-2020
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2020
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Thanks! Appreciate all your help and detailed review.
Comment from royowen
A great seasonal story, with not only Jake returning but bringing Redhawk and Joseph with him, apparently Joseph's grandfather had died. And Redhawk has taken him in. Well done, my friend, blessings Roy
Typo : it took my (breadth) breath?
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2020
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A great seasonal story, with not only Jake returning but bringing Redhawk and Joseph with him, apparently Joseph's grandfather had died. And Redhawk has taken him in. Well done, my friend, blessings Roy
Typo : it took my (breadth) breath?
Comment Written 02-Dec-2020
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2020
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Thanks for the feedback. I need to clarify that part about his grandfather. Blessings ahead.
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Yes, well done
Comment from Mistydawn
It looks like it's going to be a great Christmas for them after all. I'm so glad to see that it's going so well. At least for a short while. Your story is well-written, very interesting, realistic. I could hear the wind whistling when she opened the door. I felt her fear, not knowing who was out there. I'm glad it was only Jake.
There is one sentence you might want to look at Why you are heavier than a sack of c? Overall, great job.
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2020
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It looks like it's going to be a great Christmas for them after all. I'm so glad to see that it's going so well. At least for a short while. Your story is well-written, very interesting, realistic. I could hear the wind whistling when she opened the door. I felt her fear, not knowing who was out there. I'm glad it was only Jake.
There is one sentence you might want to look at Why you are heavier than a sack of c? Overall, great job.
Comment Written 02-Dec-2020
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2020
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Oh, thanks. I forgot to fix that. That golden cross is so lovely to see. Humbly, grateful.
Comment from Joanne Gill-Maddick
Beautifully written story. Glad it had a happy ending. As I was ready I was anticipating something had happened to Jake . Very interesting keeps the reader wondering. Very well done.
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2020
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Beautifully written story. Glad it had a happy ending. As I was ready I was anticipating something had happened to Jake . Very interesting keeps the reader wondering. Very well done.
Comment Written 02-Dec-2020
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2020
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Thanks so much. Not a lot of action in it, so I worried that I didn't make it intriguing enough.
Comment from Robert Zimmerman
Hi Stan.
As you normally do, the descriptive narrative is well done. I like the bit of conflict you put into the chapter when Jane expressed concern for Jake being off to get the tree. Slipping doubt into the reader's mind is a great technique. You resolved it when he came through the front door.
The jewelry is a very nice touch. It reinforces the warmth between the two of them.
Robert
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2020
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Hi Stan.
As you normally do, the descriptive narrative is well done. I like the bit of conflict you put into the chapter when Jane expressed concern for Jake being off to get the tree. Slipping doubt into the reader's mind is a great technique. You resolved it when he came through the front door.
The jewelry is a very nice touch. It reinforces the warmth between the two of them.
Robert
Comment Written 02-Dec-2020
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2020
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Thanks, Robert. I appreciate the specific details like you mentioned about the jewelry. It really helps to know if it resonated.
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You're welcome Stan.
Comment from Sally Law
This is such a wonderful chapter and in time for Christmas. Your scene descriptions were so well-penned. It reminds me of my younger years when the tree was the only decoration we had. We all looked forward to it immensely.
One typo: Land's sake.
Sending you my best today as always, and Christmas blessings
Sal XOs...
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2020
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This is such a wonderful chapter and in time for Christmas. Your scene descriptions were so well-penned. It reminds me of my younger years when the tree was the only decoration we had. We all looked forward to it immensely.
One typo: Land's sake.
Sending you my best today as always, and Christmas blessings
Sal XOs...
Comment Written 02-Dec-2020
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2020
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Thanks for stopping by. I appreciate and look forward to hearing from you. I've got to reciprocate. I've fallen behind. My real world gets in the way! LOL
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Life does get busy. Hurry back soon!!
Sal :))
Comment from BethShelby
This is a beautifully written Christmas story. I really enjoyed it. I was thinking that the boy's blind grandfather was still alive in the last chapter when Red Hawk decided to stay with them. Maybe I was wrong. I assume he passed away.
Why you are heavier than a sack of c Did you forget to finish this?
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2020
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This is a beautifully written Christmas story. I really enjoyed it. I was thinking that the boy's blind grandfather was still alive in the last chapter when Red Hawk decided to stay with them. Maybe I was wrong. I assume he passed away.
Why you are heavier than a sack of c Did you forget to finish this?
Comment Written 02-Dec-2020
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2020
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Thanks, Beth! Yes, I must fix typo.
Comment from thaities, Rebecca V.
So happy to read this posting. It's been a long time. Now that December has rolled around, this story is in perfect timing for the Christmas season. Well done!
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2020
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So happy to read this posting. It's been a long time. Now that December has rolled around, this story is in perfect timing for the Christmas season. Well done!
Comment Written 02-Dec-2020
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2020
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Thanks, Rebecca. I always love to hear from a fellow western writer. I need to catch up. My real world got in the way! LOL
