Viewing the World With Fresh Eyes
Viewing comments for Chapter 10 "The Neighbor's Chinkapin Tree"The fifteen Years of My Life
18 total reviews
Comment from RetroStarfish
This is a great story. Lots of nice elements building to the end and the incident involving the titular chinkapin tree.
It's a little over wordy and clunky in a few places, such as the beginning:
"My mother was a person who believed it was written somewhere in stone that all neighbors were special and should be handled with the utmost care. She went out of her way to make sure our family never offenced any of ours." A more direct way of saying this would be "My mother believed it was written in stone that all neighbors ... Living in a rural area, we had only one neighbor and she went out of her way to make sure we didn't offend them."
reply by the author on 01-Dec-2020
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This is a great story. Lots of nice elements building to the end and the incident involving the titular chinkapin tree.
It's a little over wordy and clunky in a few places, such as the beginning:
"My mother was a person who believed it was written somewhere in stone that all neighbors were special and should be handled with the utmost care. She went out of her way to make sure our family never offenced any of ours." A more direct way of saying this would be "My mother believed it was written in stone that all neighbors ... Living in a rural area, we had only one neighbor and she went out of her way to make sure we didn't offend them."
Comment Written 01-Dec-2020
reply by the author on 01-Dec-2020
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Thanks for the review. I'm disappointed your only giving a four star rating because it will mean I will lose one of my six star ratings. I made it deliberately wordy because that is the way this Southern girl narrator would talk, but I can change it if you think it would help.
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I hit save by accident when I was not yet finished the review. With a typo in the second sentence and conflicting information (all our neighbors, when it turns out there was only one neighbor etc) I just couldn't give it 5 stars. I had other examples, but want you to know I loved the ending.
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We did have other neighbors. My mom considered anyone with five miles a neighbor. That was the one that bothered me the most. The fiction part is the dialogue. On this site, everyone helps point out the errors and we fix them without counting off. It's okay. I understand.
Comment from robyn corum
Dear Mystery Writer,
This piece was really well-composed and delightfully-paced. I was raised at a time when these behaviors were still the rule, too. *smile*
Notes:
1.) I only made it a few feet (before) he was on me again.
2.) unaware of what I'd gone through. "Did you get any nuts? she called."
--> unaware of what I'd gone through. "Did you get any nuts?(") she called.
Thanks and good luck!
reply by the author on 01-Dec-2020
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Dear Mystery Writer,
This piece was really well-composed and delightfully-paced. I was raised at a time when these behaviors were still the rule, too. *smile*
Notes:
1.) I only made it a few feet (before) he was on me again.
2.) unaware of what I'd gone through. "Did you get any nuts? she called."
--> unaware of what I'd gone through. "Did you get any nuts?(") she called.
Thanks and good luck!
Comment Written 01-Dec-2020
reply by the author on 01-Dec-2020
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Thank you so much for the review and comments. I especially appreciated you noticing those spots the needed attention.
:-)
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welcome!
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
Wow! I was fighting him all the way I was reading! I double checked this was fiction, it was so realistic! Very well done, some mothers never learn, do they? Lol. Good luck in the contest. It's a really strong entry. Sandra xx
reply by the author on 01-Dec-2020
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Wow! I was fighting him all the way I was reading! I double checked this was fiction, it was so realistic! Very well done, some mothers never learn, do they? Lol. Good luck in the contest. It's a really strong entry. Sandra xx
Comment Written 01-Dec-2020
reply by the author on 01-Dec-2020
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Thank you so much for the review and comments. Let's say it fiction based on a true story.
:-)
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I thought it might have been. They say write what you know about, and it does come through. xxx
Comment from estory
There's tons of tension in this piece, between the daughter and match maker mom, and with the overbearing neighbor who tries to take advantage of the young girl. You had a real powerful scene there where she struggles to get away from him. Very vivid and it put us right there in the middle of the action. The dialogue with the mother, always considerate of the neighbors, was also full of taught tension. It really paints a colorful portrait of this estranged mother and daughter. estory
reply by the author on 01-Dec-2020
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There's tons of tension in this piece, between the daughter and match maker mom, and with the overbearing neighbor who tries to take advantage of the young girl. You had a real powerful scene there where she struggles to get away from him. Very vivid and it put us right there in the middle of the action. The dialogue with the mother, always considerate of the neighbors, was also full of taught tension. It really paints a colorful portrait of this estranged mother and daughter. estory
Comment Written 01-Dec-2020
reply by the author on 01-Dec-2020
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Thank you so much for reviewing and commenting on this story. I enjoyed reading your comments and I appreciate you sharing your thoughts.
:-)
Comment from Cybertron1986
Beautiful story with a beautiful and engaging storyline. I loved the pacing here and the characters that you developed well to the end. It flows well and I was engaged with the messages of growth and human relationships. Gorgeous!
reply by the author on 30-Nov-2020
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Beautiful story with a beautiful and engaging storyline. I loved the pacing here and the characters that you developed well to the end. It flows well and I was engaged with the messages of growth and human relationships. Gorgeous!
Comment Written 30-Nov-2020
reply by the author on 30-Nov-2020
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Thank you so much for the delightful review. I really appreciate your comments.
:-)
Comment from Wendy G
What a story! I liked the way that whatever happened you reminded the reader of your mother's philosophy of not offending the neighbours. Such politeness, in the face of rude and offensive behaviour by the neighbours. Best wishes for the competition!
reply by the author on 30-Nov-2020
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What a story! I liked the way that whatever happened you reminded the reader of your mother's philosophy of not offending the neighbours. Such politeness, in the face of rude and offensive behaviour by the neighbours. Best wishes for the competition!
Comment Written 30-Nov-2020
reply by the author on 30-Nov-2020
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Thank you so much for the great review and the good wishes. I'm so glad you like it.
:-)
Comment from Elizabeth Emerald
Masterful work! Brilliant narration and vivid depiction of characters and events. Dark humor re the roses and the punchline; the attack scene is chilling! This may well be a winner.
the unmost [utmost] care. She went out of her way to make sure our family never offenced [offended] anyone. [omit: any of ours in any way].
The Caulwells[omit comma] were a fairly prosperous farm family[semicolon] Henry and Miss Mamie were getting up in years
Their three children was [were] another matter.
She came over to my grandmothers [grandmother's] house
and asked if it would be all right if I came with him [period]
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 30-Nov-2020
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Masterful work! Brilliant narration and vivid depiction of characters and events. Dark humor re the roses and the punchline; the attack scene is chilling! This may well be a winner.
the unmost [utmost] care. She went out of her way to make sure our family never offenced [offended] anyone. [omit: any of ours in any way].
The Caulwells[omit comma] were a fairly prosperous farm family[semicolon] Henry and Miss Mamie were getting up in years
Their three children was [were] another matter.
She came over to my grandmothers [grandmother's] house
and asked if it would be all right if I came with him [period]
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 30-Nov-2020
reply by the author on 30-Nov-2020
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Thank you for the excellent review and the editing helps. I'm so glad you caught these errors.
:-)
Comment from Michael Ludwinder
This is a very well written story. I was hoping this wasn't going to go where it did at the end. Disappointed in Henry. I though the mother's reaction was typical and disappointing. But back to the story. You do a wonderful job of developing it. I like how you first introduce how your mother feels about neighbors. A bit of foreshadowing there. Next you introduce him with the marbles. Perfect. And finally the full story takes place and it's scary. Excellent job. Well written.
reply by the author on 30-Nov-2020
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This is a very well written story. I was hoping this wasn't going to go where it did at the end. Disappointed in Henry. I though the mother's reaction was typical and disappointing. But back to the story. You do a wonderful job of developing it. I like how you first introduce how your mother feels about neighbors. A bit of foreshadowing there. Next you introduce him with the marbles. Perfect. And finally the full story takes place and it's scary. Excellent job. Well written.
Comment Written 30-Nov-2020
reply by the author on 30-Nov-2020
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Thank you so much for the great review and nice comments. I especially appreciate the six stars.
;-)
