Betrayal
Viewing comments for Chapter 10 "Betrayal Chapter 10"In the title.
41 total reviews
Comment from Jessica Borras
I knew I was going to love Monica! The beginning of this chapter threw me off a tiny bit, I thought maybe I'd jumped ahead a chapter. But way to go, throwing us right into the action like that!
I only have two suggestions for this chapter.
The line "The looks from people passing by ranged from humorous to disgust", I could be wrong but I think it should either be "humorous to disgusted" or "humor to disgust". And the paragraph where Monica's thinking "Perhaps the waiters at the restaurant will remember them. There's bound to be a simple explanation. After all, it's not like it's been hours." I'm wondering if "days" would be better than "hours", since it actually has been a few hours since they left the restaurant.
Otherwise, this is a very well written chapter. :) The line "Fear squeezed her throat as she struggled to breathe."... I very much love that line. :)
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2021
  |
I knew I was going to love Monica! The beginning of this chapter threw me off a tiny bit, I thought maybe I'd jumped ahead a chapter. But way to go, throwing us right into the action like that!
I only have two suggestions for this chapter.
The line "The looks from people passing by ranged from humorous to disgust", I could be wrong but I think it should either be "humorous to disgusted" or "humor to disgust". And the paragraph where Monica's thinking "Perhaps the waiters at the restaurant will remember them. There's bound to be a simple explanation. After all, it's not like it's been hours." I'm wondering if "days" would be better than "hours", since it actually has been a few hours since they left the restaurant.
Otherwise, this is a very well written chapter. :) The line "Fear squeezed her throat as she struggled to breathe."... I very much love that line. :)
Comment Written 06-Jul-2021
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2021
-
Thank you again, dear Jessica. I've made the corrections. In the restaurant, I've changed that around a bit, as well as changing 'hours' to 'days'. It now reads...
...Perhaps the waiters at the restaurant will remember them, after all, it?s not like it?s been days. There?s bound to be a simple explanation...
Thank you, my friend, I can't thank you enough for your help. Warm hugs. Sandra xxx
Comment from Begin Again
Monica is an Ace of a friend for sure. Having someone that worried about you. I wonder if my own children would even have given it a thought...at least until they needed something. Bravo for Monica! But now where does she even start.
reply by the author on 13-Mar-2021
|
Monica is an Ace of a friend for sure. Having someone that worried about you. I wonder if my own children would even have given it a thought...at least until they needed something. Bravo for Monica! But now where does she even start.
Comment Written 13-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 13-Mar-2021
-
Now, you've just asked the question I've often wondered. By the time my children found out I was missing, I'd be long gone! :))
-
I promise to send someone looking for you.... because I can't swim that far. LOL
-
LOL! I feel so much better now!! Lol. I'll do the same for you. :))
Comment from DSchlosser
This is something scary that I encountered with my time in the Marines. One of my buddy's brother had been drugged and he disappeared one night when he went out drinking. All three of us were Marines, but his brother was stationed at another facility ten miles from us.
I went searching with my friend to find his brother after they considered him AWOL, and he ended up turning up a couple days later in an alley half-naked with all his money gone.
This chapter is really well done. At first you don't feel that panic until more time passes by. Then the dread sets in when the person doesn't follow a regular routine and just doesn't come back or call anyone.
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2021
|
This is something scary that I encountered with my time in the Marines. One of my buddy's brother had been drugged and he disappeared one night when he went out drinking. All three of us were Marines, but his brother was stationed at another facility ten miles from us.
I went searching with my friend to find his brother after they considered him AWOL, and he ended up turning up a couple days later in an alley half-naked with all his money gone.
This chapter is really well done. At first you don't feel that panic until more time passes by. Then the dread sets in when the person doesn't follow a regular routine and just doesn't come back or call anyone.
Comment Written 25-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2021
-
I can't imagine the horror your friend's brother went through, I hope they didn't charge him with going AWOL when that wasn't true. I'm glad you both found him.
Thank you again, David, for another lovely review, especially for saying how well I've written the thoughts and feelings of my character. That means a lot to me. Have a lovely day, my friend. Warm hugs. Sandra xxx
Comment from giraffmang
Hi Sandra,
I'm not sure how it'll play out overall with the different points of view. There's three now, Tania, Grant and Colin. One thing I would say though is that I wouldn't mix them in any given chapter or instalment. it would get confusing - head-hopping should be avoided. Now it's onto the fourth pov. this could become very tricky very quickly.
automatically assuming the worst.
By the time Colin finally reached his car, his arm had gone numb. He took out the car key from his jacket pocket and unlocked the doors. None too gently, - careful with the adverb usage.
Perhaps the waiters at the restaurant will remember them. There's bound to be a simple explanation. After all, it's not like it's been hours - I didn't really get the sense of this last sentence. It had been hours, five hours. Maybe it's just me not getting it.
Lot of tension in this instalment.
All the best
G
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2021
|
Hi Sandra,
I'm not sure how it'll play out overall with the different points of view. There's three now, Tania, Grant and Colin. One thing I would say though is that I wouldn't mix them in any given chapter or instalment. it would get confusing - head-hopping should be avoided. Now it's onto the fourth pov. this could become very tricky very quickly.
automatically assuming the worst.
By the time Colin finally reached his car, his arm had gone numb. He took out the car key from his jacket pocket and unlocked the doors. None too gently, - careful with the adverb usage.
Perhaps the waiters at the restaurant will remember them. There's bound to be a simple explanation. After all, it's not like it's been hours - I didn't really get the sense of this last sentence. It had been hours, five hours. Maybe it's just me not getting it.
Lot of tension in this instalment.
All the best
G
Comment Written 24-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2021
-
I can see me spending a good few days sorting the head-hopping out. It's easy to forget things like that when ploughing on through the story. But, the big edits are going to begin now. All your help is invaluable, Gareth. I'll have a best seller by the time I've finished! (One can dream, lol) Another huge thank you, my friend. :)) Sandra xx
Comment from DeboraDyess
Okay, I'm home, I'm stuck at the house with COVID and I'm going to GET CAUGHT UP!
Loving this story. Collin is SUCH a villain! I hope he fries!(Or at least gets caught!)
Couple of things:
She let out, what she hoped would sound like >> No comma. It separates the subject and the verb.
The cold breeze was whipping up into a gusty gale, nipping at peoples' faces. >> Love this line! Just had to walk the dog, and I had a bit of that gusty gale whipping about me, as well. :) But, since you use 'face' in the next sentence, why not change this 'faces' to 'coats' or something less specific?
People WEREN'T assuming the worst, though. The worst is what was happening to her. AUGH! Why didn't someone stop Collin and ask him questions!?
what he recognised was an artist's carrying tube. >> Don't know that we need 'he recognized as'. We know he's a wanna-be archetect. He'd obviously know what an artist's tube looked like.
When he gave it a little shake, he knew there was something inside. >>I can't even tell you exactly why, but this sentence seems cumbersome. I think I'd change it like this: "Giving it a little shake, he pursed his lips (or furrowed his brow). Something was inside.' And that's not to say it even NEEDS to change.
better than try to fool me >> better than to try to fool me
OH, he's so EVIL!
Love the description of MOnicas apprehension. WELL DONE!
Loving it still and moving on...
Blessings and see you next page,
Debs
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2020
|
Okay, I'm home, I'm stuck at the house with COVID and I'm going to GET CAUGHT UP!
Loving this story. Collin is SUCH a villain! I hope he fries!(Or at least gets caught!)
Couple of things:
She let out, what she hoped would sound like >> No comma. It separates the subject and the verb.
The cold breeze was whipping up into a gusty gale, nipping at peoples' faces. >> Love this line! Just had to walk the dog, and I had a bit of that gusty gale whipping about me, as well. :) But, since you use 'face' in the next sentence, why not change this 'faces' to 'coats' or something less specific?
People WEREN'T assuming the worst, though. The worst is what was happening to her. AUGH! Why didn't someone stop Collin and ask him questions!?
what he recognised was an artist's carrying tube. >> Don't know that we need 'he recognized as'. We know he's a wanna-be archetect. He'd obviously know what an artist's tube looked like.
When he gave it a little shake, he knew there was something inside. >>I can't even tell you exactly why, but this sentence seems cumbersome. I think I'd change it like this: "Giving it a little shake, he pursed his lips (or furrowed his brow). Something was inside.' And that's not to say it even NEEDS to change.
better than try to fool me >> better than to try to fool me
OH, he's so EVIL!
Love the description of MOnicas apprehension. WELL DONE!
Loving it still and moving on...
Blessings and see you next page,
Debs
Comment Written 30-Dec-2020
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2020
-
Aw, thanks for coming and reading the back parts. You didn't miss many. How are you feeling now? You are the first person I 'know' that has the virus! I hope you get over it quickly. Your brain is still good, and your eyes are still quick at spotting where a sentence can be improved. I'v gone through them before replying. Thank you so much my wonderful friend. I really appreciate your help. Have a wonderful New Year! :)) Sandra xxx
-
We're getting better. I actually have been walking the dog all except a couple of days while I've been ill. Steve is'nt faring quite as well, but we're both better.
Crazy thing s, our son (the professional athlete) got this back in July and was SICK, sick. HIs business partner, the captain of the women's team, took him to the doctor and then refused to take him home to his cabin (out in the middle of nowhere) so she got it, too. And they're both 100% about health and fitness and nutrition. I guess viruses don't really care.
Anyhow, stay away from this! It's a nasty-tempered bug!
:)
-
You just take care and don't go near anyone. We are in total lock down again. The whole of England and Scotland. I'm wondering when this is going to end. I hope your son is better now, this virus doesn't care how fit we are, just open your mouth and it will happily climb in. :(
When you feel up to it, part 15 is up. I want you to get the member dollars this time! Take care, my friend. xxx
Comment from estory
You have a great way of telling these stories through multiple perspectives, and this is no exception. You give us the determined, angry motives of the criminal, drugging Tania and dragging her from the restaurant to the car. Dropping evidence along the way. We really see his plotting and the motivations behind it all as he pours his inner thoughts onto the page. And then we get the friend's point of view, her suspicions raised as she finds the laptop misplaced, and then finds the tell tale shoe. Alarm bells going off. One thing that seems a bit strange is that nobody in the restaurant or passers by seem concerned by the suddenly drugged girl. I think someone would ask questions...estory
reply by the author on 03-Dec-2020
|
You have a great way of telling these stories through multiple perspectives, and this is no exception. You give us the determined, angry motives of the criminal, drugging Tania and dragging her from the restaurant to the car. Dropping evidence along the way. We really see his plotting and the motivations behind it all as he pours his inner thoughts onto the page. And then we get the friend's point of view, her suspicions raised as she finds the laptop misplaced, and then finds the tell tale shoe. Alarm bells going off. One thing that seems a bit strange is that nobody in the restaurant or passers by seem concerned by the suddenly drugged girl. I think someone would ask questions...estory
Comment Written 03-Dec-2020
reply by the author on 03-Dec-2020
-
Thank you so much for another lovely review, my friend. I'm so pleased you like the way I'm writing the story.
Regarding the points you raised at the end. There is a part where passers-by looked on in disgust thinking Tania was drunk. Even Colin was annoyed that they would automatically think the worst. Then later, when Monica went into the restaurant, the waiter expressed his concern when he noticed she didn't look well. But Colin seemed to be in a rush to get her out the resataurant and that coach load of people were coming in just as they were leaving.
But, now you have mentioned your concerns, and I can see where you're coming from, I will add some more questions and answers.
Thank you so much, my friend. I do appreciate your helpful review. :)) Sandra xx
Comment from Sanku
This was not what I expected. I am sure you will spin a better surprise to relieve us. Though she has not left her plan with Grant , he would at least remember the rough sketch....I tis really getting exciting.
reply by the author on 03-Dec-2020
 |
This was not what I expected. I am sure you will spin a better surprise to relieve us. Though she has not left her plan with Grant , he would at least remember the rough sketch....I tis really getting exciting.
Comment Written 03-Dec-2020
reply by the author on 03-Dec-2020
-
Aw, thank you so much for this really wonderful review, Sanku, and for the lovely six star award. Your enthusiasm is so appreciated, my friend, thank you! Warm hugs! Sandra xx
Comment from rspoet
Hello Sandra,
A tense chapter with a surprising turn of events.
You've escalated the story to a completely different level.
It's now a major crime drama. Colin is guilty of not only drugging
Tania, but also of assault and kidnapping.
You seem to have a subconscious "Sir John" fixation. :)
It's hard to see how Colin could possibly think this "plan"
could work. Perhaps Sandra knows.
Monica should be calling the police and the chase will begin.
Maybe Tania's cell phone or laptop has a tracking device.
At least she has a tape recorder going.
You're getting great reviews and rating.
Now you know what readers want. LOL
Well done
Best wishes to all.
Robert
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2020
|
Hello Sandra,
A tense chapter with a surprising turn of events.
You've escalated the story to a completely different level.
It's now a major crime drama. Colin is guilty of not only drugging
Tania, but also of assault and kidnapping.
You seem to have a subconscious "Sir John" fixation. :)
It's hard to see how Colin could possibly think this "plan"
could work. Perhaps Sandra knows.
Monica should be calling the police and the chase will begin.
Maybe Tania's cell phone or laptop has a tracking device.
At least she has a tape recorder going.
You're getting great reviews and rating.
Now you know what readers want. LOL
Well done
Best wishes to all.
Robert
Comment Written 02-Dec-2020
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2020
-
Hi Robert.
I've been totally overwhelmed at how this part has been received. It shot straight up to number one in the Ranked Chapters!! It will be nice if people continue to enjoy this book. Your reference to Sir John made me laugh. I do seem to have one in all my older peoples' books; but they were all nice in Eric's.
So, you are right, now I know what the readers want. LOL. Actually, they all loved to hate Sir John, so I must remember, my readers love a bit of violence!
Thank you so much for this lovely review, and for the wonderful six stars! Some things you've mentioned are coming, but not in the way you'd think! There you go, now you can put your guessing cap on. Sending you a hug, my friend. :)) Sandra xxx
Comment from roof35
I had to go back and start at chapter one so I could get up on this story. It is up to your usual outstanding talent. I get a kick out of the difference in British phrases and American phrases. I am looking forward to your next chapter.
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2020
|
I had to go back and start at chapter one so I could get up on this story. It is up to your usual outstanding talent. I get a kick out of the difference in British phrases and American phrases. I am looking forward to your next chapter.
Comment Written 01-Dec-2020
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2020
-
You went back and read from chapter one! That was so nice of you, Judy. Thank you so very much for this incredible review and for the six star award. What a lovely surprise to wake up to. Have a wonderful day, my friend. Warm hugs, Sandra xx
Comment from Susan X Smith
This story is chock full of suspense. I was able to enjoy it, although I came in at the middle. The cast of names below did help. I can't wait to find out what happens next.
reply by the author on 01-Dec-2020
|
This story is chock full of suspense. I was able to enjoy it, although I came in at the middle. The cast of names below did help. I can't wait to find out what happens next.
Comment Written 30-Nov-2020
reply by the author on 01-Dec-2020
-
Thank you so much for coming in to join the story, Susan. I know how hard it can be to get into the plot sometimes. Your review was so encouraging, and I thank you for that. I'm so pleased you enjoyed this part. Warm hugs, Sandra xxx