Betrayal
Viewing comments for Chapter 8 "Betrayal Chapter 8"In the title.
41 total reviews
Comment from Jessica Borras
Hello again! I'm so ready for Tania to take on this Colin fellow! I already dislike him, so fantastic writing on your part <3
There were a few tiny things, like the sentence "Tania gingerly picked up her mobile, and cringed as she slowly put it to her ear.'Hello?'" needs a space before hello, and " 'I just don't trust that man" has an extra quotation mark, but those are just tiny things.
The only real suggestion I have for this chapter is a point-of-view thing. I know, I'm a little obsessed with proper POV, but only because I struggle with it so much myself! Now when I read ANYthing it's something I pay super close attention to. So the paragraph "The expression, famous last words, flashed through Monica's mind. As much as she'd been the one to suggest the meeting, a sudden chill filled with a sense of unease, wormed its way inside and quashed any confidence she'd previously held." takes us into Monica's POV. It pulls me away from Tania, and what Tania is feeling. Don't get me wrong, I love Monica's character, but maybe there's a way her doubts can be shown, instead?
Your paragraph "Monica stood back and gazed at her friend. All fun and laughter now forgotten. Her eyes clouded as she fought a losing battle to hide her apprehension. 'Please be careful, Tania. I don't trust him.'" does this SO WELL. Showing instead of telling, I absolutely love it.
The only other thing is the phrase "git-features". I feel like this is because I'm American, but I googled it and Google told me absolutely nothing lol
Sandra, I can't say it enough. I'm absolutely loving your story. <3 Looking forward to reading more!
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2021
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Hello again! I'm so ready for Tania to take on this Colin fellow! I already dislike him, so fantastic writing on your part <3
There were a few tiny things, like the sentence "Tania gingerly picked up her mobile, and cringed as she slowly put it to her ear.'Hello?'" needs a space before hello, and " 'I just don't trust that man" has an extra quotation mark, but those are just tiny things.
The only real suggestion I have for this chapter is a point-of-view thing. I know, I'm a little obsessed with proper POV, but only because I struggle with it so much myself! Now when I read ANYthing it's something I pay super close attention to. So the paragraph "The expression, famous last words, flashed through Monica's mind. As much as she'd been the one to suggest the meeting, a sudden chill filled with a sense of unease, wormed its way inside and quashed any confidence she'd previously held." takes us into Monica's POV. It pulls me away from Tania, and what Tania is feeling. Don't get me wrong, I love Monica's character, but maybe there's a way her doubts can be shown, instead?
Your paragraph "Monica stood back and gazed at her friend. All fun and laughter now forgotten. Her eyes clouded as she fought a losing battle to hide her apprehension. 'Please be careful, Tania. I don't trust him.'" does this SO WELL. Showing instead of telling, I absolutely love it.
The only other thing is the phrase "git-features". I feel like this is because I'm American, but I googled it and Google told me absolutely nothing lol
Sandra, I can't say it enough. I'm absolutely loving your story. <3 Looking forward to reading more!
Comment Written 30-Jun-2021
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2021
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Another brilliant review, Jessica. I'm copying and pasting you reviews into my MS Word docs so I can do the edits there and not make a mistake on this FS copy. then I'll copy them back into the them. I've made so many errors doing corrections of the months, lol, it's stupid of me, I know. You are being such a great help to me, Jessica. You are seeing things I missed and my other reviewers. (And the were good, too!) Thank you, my friend, you've been wonderful. :)) Sandra xxx
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You're so very welcome! It's fun, because I'm enjoying your chapters so much that I actually read through them the first time, and then have to go back through to check to proofread lol
I always worry that it'll seem like I'm nit-picking but at the same time, it's what I would want from anybody reading my own work. <3
Comment from Begin Again
Colin has got to be up to something and it isn't going to be good. Hope Tonia can hold her own against him, but something tells me there is going to be more trouble than she was looking for.
reply by the author on 12-Mar-2021
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Colin has got to be up to something and it isn't going to be good. Hope Tonia can hold her own against him, but something tells me there is going to be more trouble than she was looking for.
Comment Written 12-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 12-Mar-2021
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Yep, he's a nasty piece of work. You'll soon see how much. Thanks again, Carol. :)) xx
Comment from giraffmang
Hi Sandra,
Monica is a useful character to carry and drive on a lot of the exposition for the story. The relationship they share is very close.
put it to her ear.'Hello?'- need spacing before the dialogue.
Monica moved further back into the sofa - generally I think it's farther for physical distance, although this may be going out of fashion.
'Hearing his voice again brought back all the worry. 'I just don't trust that man. I hate the idea of you being alone with him.' - There's three speech marks in this sentence.
The expression, famous last words, flashed - maybe not off-set this with commas, issue the quotes or italics. Otherwise it looks like an aside which disturbs the sentence.
Tania searched Monica's face, and tried to transfer some of her own fragile confidence into her friend. - but a couple of lines before - a sudden chill filled with a sense of unease, wormed its way inside and quashed any confidence she'd previously held. - this is a little inconsistent in description.
I did have a query over the digital recorder. I thought last instalment it said voice activated. maybe I got that wrong but if so it wouldn't be reliable in the setting they're using it. Too many voices, including Colin's and waiting staff. if not voice activated and it's in a hidden skirt pocket, activating may make for some odd movements. Just something to think about.
good stuff as always.
G
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2021
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Hi Sandra,
Monica is a useful character to carry and drive on a lot of the exposition for the story. The relationship they share is very close.
put it to her ear.'Hello?'- need spacing before the dialogue.
Monica moved further back into the sofa - generally I think it's farther for physical distance, although this may be going out of fashion.
'Hearing his voice again brought back all the worry. 'I just don't trust that man. I hate the idea of you being alone with him.' - There's three speech marks in this sentence.
The expression, famous last words, flashed - maybe not off-set this with commas, issue the quotes or italics. Otherwise it looks like an aside which disturbs the sentence.
Tania searched Monica's face, and tried to transfer some of her own fragile confidence into her friend. - but a couple of lines before - a sudden chill filled with a sense of unease, wormed its way inside and quashed any confidence she'd previously held. - this is a little inconsistent in description.
I did have a query over the digital recorder. I thought last instalment it said voice activated. maybe I got that wrong but if so it wouldn't be reliable in the setting they're using it. Too many voices, including Colin's and waiting staff. if not voice activated and it's in a hidden skirt pocket, activating may make for some odd movements. Just something to think about.
good stuff as always.
G
Comment Written 24-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2021
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I went and Googled further and farther, in fact I do it every time I use one of them. It shows UK English using 'further' more than the US. But it looks like farther would be more consistant with other countries, so I'm going to change it to that.
Monica has the loss of confidence ... Tania is the one who tries to transfer some of the little confidence she has left to Monica.
I'm going to change the wording of them, though, because the similarities are too close together. (thank goodnes you came along before I'd finished the book!!)
The recorder, I've gone over that so many times in my head, and still can't get it right. I need it to play a part later. So, I'll have to think of another way to activate it. Perhaps she can slip her hand in and turn it on discreetly.
I don't know how to thank you for all this time you are putting into my chapters, Gareth, but I do thank you, and appreciate you so much. Warm hugs, my friend. When I get my next load of nominations, you will definitely be getting one. :)) Sandra xxx
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lol no worries
Comment from DSchlosser
I feel sort of like watching a horror movie here when you see the person aiming to go check out the noise they heard outside or something.
Anytime I hear that someone has changed in life, you know they pretty much really haven't I had a friend that sounded this way after he turned into a bad seed.
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2021
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I feel sort of like watching a horror movie here when you see the person aiming to go check out the noise they heard outside or something.
Anytime I hear that someone has changed in life, you know they pretty much really haven't I had a friend that sounded this way after he turned into a bad seed.
Comment Written 22-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2021
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Well, you know already that Colin didn't change, he is definitely not a nice guy. David, that was so sweet of you to give me a six for this part, thank you so much. You are really kind. Warmest hugs, my friend. :) Sandra xx
Comment from alexisleech
Nor do I. The sleaze ball will have something up his sleeve, that's for sure. You portray the friendship between Tania and Monica so well, it reminds me of one of my dearest friendships. That kind of camaraderie is few and far between, but when you find it, it is the most precious thing in the world. Sooooooo behind with my reviewing at the moment, so I will rush on to your next chapter before John asks me to do anything else!
Alexis xxx
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2020
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Nor do I. The sleaze ball will have something up his sleeve, that's for sure. You portray the friendship between Tania and Monica so well, it reminds me of one of my dearest friendships. That kind of camaraderie is few and far between, but when you find it, it is the most precious thing in the world. Sooooooo behind with my reviewing at the moment, so I will rush on to your next chapter before John asks me to do anything else!
Alexis xxx
Comment Written 25-Nov-2020
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2020
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I modelled their friendship on a friendship I have, it's so special and I'd be lost without her. :)) Thank you so much for this lovely review, Alexis, and for those shiny stars. I really do appreciate them both. Now, then, you really must not keep John waiting! LOL. Lots of love and hugs, my dear friend. :)) Sandra xx
Comment from Sanku
I share Monica's concern .The man is untrustworthy and I am very eager to reader how Tania handles him.Very high readability since the words smoothly flow..Waiting for the next
reply by the author on 19-Nov-2020
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I share Monica's concern .The man is untrustworthy and I am very eager to reader how Tania handles him.Very high readability since the words smoothly flow..Waiting for the next
Comment Written 19-Nov-2020
reply by the author on 19-Nov-2020
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You'll soon be learning a lot more about Colin, he's quite a charmer until you get to know him. Thank you so much, my friend, for reading and sharing your thoughts on this part. I really appreciated it. Warm hugs, Sandra xx
Comment from DeboraDyess
I LOVE that the girls are whispering, even though they haven't even answered the phone yet! lol. Very real-life!
changed,' he told her. Then with a little >> No need for the 'he told her'. Leave it out and just say, >> changed,' Then with a little >> Just my own bias against speech tags! lol
back all the worry. I just don't trust that man. >> Oh, do I know this feeling. My daughter's nightmare ex... Yuck! But you did miss quotation marks. :) >> back all the worry. 'I just don't trust that man.
Love 'a whisper of a smile'. Well said!
He'll have to apologise to me then, won't he?' >> IS this a rhetorical question? Here in the US, a rhetorical question ends with a period. NOt sure if your rules are the same on this or different. But it doesn't seem like Tania is actually expecting an answer to this, like shes just confirming her own thoughts.
I'm absolutely loving reading the expressions and words that are not a part of my everyday. But this one left me a bit puzzled. What does 'git-features.' mean? I can guess, probably, but I want to get it right because I plan on using it soon! lol
much giggling, and lah-di-dah >> Comma not needed.
gazed at Tania. All fun and laughter >> Is there a reason you made this a separate sentence instead of a comma and continuation of the previous one? It felt fragmented. Oi! I sound like spell check!
This is such a fun chapter, but you build suspense in, as well. Monica's apprehension leaves the reader wondering if Collin is actually an evil man to the degree that Tania needs to be cautious for her safety. Excellent!
Blessings and hugs,
Debs
reply by the author on 19-Nov-2020
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I LOVE that the girls are whispering, even though they haven't even answered the phone yet! lol. Very real-life!
changed,' he told her. Then with a little >> No need for the 'he told her'. Leave it out and just say, >> changed,' Then with a little >> Just my own bias against speech tags! lol
back all the worry. I just don't trust that man. >> Oh, do I know this feeling. My daughter's nightmare ex... Yuck! But you did miss quotation marks. :) >> back all the worry. 'I just don't trust that man.
Love 'a whisper of a smile'. Well said!
He'll have to apologise to me then, won't he?' >> IS this a rhetorical question? Here in the US, a rhetorical question ends with a period. NOt sure if your rules are the same on this or different. But it doesn't seem like Tania is actually expecting an answer to this, like shes just confirming her own thoughts.
I'm absolutely loving reading the expressions and words that are not a part of my everyday. But this one left me a bit puzzled. What does 'git-features.' mean? I can guess, probably, but I want to get it right because I plan on using it soon! lol
much giggling, and lah-di-dah >> Comma not needed.
gazed at Tania. All fun and laughter >> Is there a reason you made this a separate sentence instead of a comma and continuation of the previous one? It felt fragmented. Oi! I sound like spell check!
This is such a fun chapter, but you build suspense in, as well. Monica's apprehension leaves the reader wondering if Collin is actually an evil man to the degree that Tania needs to be cautious for her safety. Excellent!
Blessings and hugs,
Debs
Comment Written 19-Nov-2020
reply by the author on 19-Nov-2020
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What a lovely review, Debs, thank you so very much. I've made the corrections, and thanks for spotting the missing quote mark. I'm over the moon you are enjoying my novel.
Git-features...
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Git is a term of insult with origins in English denoting an unpleasant, silly, incompetent, annoying, senile, elderly or childish person. As a mild oath it is roughly on a par with prat and marginally less pejorative than berk. Git is more severe than twit or idiot.
Putting it together with 'features' shows a strong dislike of that person's . I don't think it's used anywhere else other that England. I like it!!
I looked up the original meaning of 'prat' and thought you might like to read about it. We don't really know what we are actually calling people when we say something in fun.
According to Oxford Dictionaries, we started using ?prat? to mean idiot in 1960, but before that, it was a 16th century word for buttocks. So when you call someone a prat, you're also calling them an arse. This is another delightful description of someone who's painfully stupid... 😯🤐🤣
Thanks again, my dear friend. Warm hiugs Sandra. xxx 😘
Comment from Jannypan (Jan)
You set up a good situation for the next chapter, Sandra. I enjoyed reading this one. Your writing was easy to follow. I really like the conversation of Monica and Tania as they plan their 'attack.' Everything seems to be well-discussed and appropriate. I still would not trust Colin like Monica said.
Thanks for sharing.
Respectfully, Jan
reply by the author on 19-Nov-2020
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You set up a good situation for the next chapter, Sandra. I enjoyed reading this one. Your writing was easy to follow. I really like the conversation of Monica and Tania as they plan their 'attack.' Everything seems to be well-discussed and appropriate. I still would not trust Colin like Monica said.
Thanks for sharing.
Respectfully, Jan
Comment Written 18-Nov-2020
reply by the author on 19-Nov-2020
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Hi Jan, thank you so much for another of your lovely reviews. No one really trusts Colin. He's not a nice person.
I hope you are keeping well, my friend, sending you a hug. Love Sandra xxx
Comment from rspoet
Hello Sandra,
The slippery feel of the con man begins to appear.
(if you remove the 'li' from Colin, you get 'con'!)
If the scheme of Tania and Monica works, it will make short work of Colin,
somehow, I suspect, something will go wrong. It always does.
Otherwise the story would end after thirty pages.
Monica is right: 'Please be careful, Tania. I don't trust him.'
But I trust you to make it all happen just like it is supposed to.
Another great chapter.
Best wishes. Stay safe, my friend.
Robert
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reply by the author on 19-Nov-2020
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Hello Sandra,
The slippery feel of the con man begins to appear.
(if you remove the 'li' from Colin, you get 'con'!)
If the scheme of Tania and Monica works, it will make short work of Colin,
somehow, I suspect, something will go wrong. It always does.
Otherwise the story would end after thirty pages.
Monica is right: 'Please be careful, Tania. I don't trust him.'
But I trust you to make it all happen just like it is supposed to.
Another great chapter.
Best wishes. Stay safe, my friend.
Robert
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Comment Written 18-Nov-2020
reply by the author on 19-Nov-2020
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I love that: Colin, Con! The 'li' is short for, 'liar' Lol.
Thank you so much for another wonderful review, Robert, and all those beautiful stars. Does anything go to plan? Hmm, I'm sure Tania will be prepared for the worst ... won't she?? We'll soon find out, I'm just waiting for Tania to tell me, so I can tell you!
Warmest hugs, my friend. You stay safe and well, too! Sandra xxx
Comment from tfawcus
These two scheming women are having a lot of fun! I like the way you keep foreshadowing the possibility of something going wrong but, like Tania, I can't see what could. Now I'll just have to wait for the next instalment to find out!
reply by the author on 19-Nov-2020
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These two scheming women are having a lot of fun! I like the way you keep foreshadowing the possibility of something going wrong but, like Tania, I can't see what could. Now I'll just have to wait for the next instalment to find out!
Comment Written 18-Nov-2020
reply by the author on 19-Nov-2020
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Thank you so much for the six stars, Tony!! 😍 As the adapted saying of Robert Burns, 'To a Mouse' ...'The best laid schemes o' mice an' men...' We shall see what happens. Thank you, my friend, for your continued support of my novel. I really do appreciate you. Warm hugs. Sandra xxx