Betrayal
Viewing comments for Chapter 7 "Betrayal Chapter 7"In the title.
42 total reviews
Comment from Jessica Borras
Hello, again! I'm super excited to get back into your story! I can't wait to see how Tania handles Collin, and I'm really enjoying Monica's character. I like that she tells it like it is. Just a few tiny things I noticed...
There were a few commas that I think you could have gone without. I just recently learned that I use too many myself (lol) and when they were removed, my sentences flowed so much better. "they took their glasses and the rest of the wine, into Tania's small lounge and flopped on the sofa" is an example of one, as is "No, to the coffee." I honestly ready the latter as "No, to the coffee!" like "Let's go get that coffee!"
The only other thing is Tania's conversation with Rachael. So, this is just my opinion and please take it with a grain of salt... But I was sort of pulled out of Tania's point of view and thrown into Monica's with the one -sided Rachael conversation. This is just a suggestion, but I would maybe consider something along the line of "Tania could barely get a word in with her friend, Rachael, rambling frantically on the other end." You do really well with summing it up when Tania explains the conversation to Monica, so I'm not sure you'd need more than that.
Again, just an opinion. You're a fantastic writer, and I'm really enjoying this book so far!
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2021
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Hello, again! I'm super excited to get back into your story! I can't wait to see how Tania handles Collin, and I'm really enjoying Monica's character. I like that she tells it like it is. Just a few tiny things I noticed...
There were a few commas that I think you could have gone without. I just recently learned that I use too many myself (lol) and when they were removed, my sentences flowed so much better. "they took their glasses and the rest of the wine, into Tania's small lounge and flopped on the sofa" is an example of one, as is "No, to the coffee." I honestly ready the latter as "No, to the coffee!" like "Let's go get that coffee!"
The only other thing is Tania's conversation with Rachael. So, this is just my opinion and please take it with a grain of salt... But I was sort of pulled out of Tania's point of view and thrown into Monica's with the one -sided Rachael conversation. This is just a suggestion, but I would maybe consider something along the line of "Tania could barely get a word in with her friend, Rachael, rambling frantically on the other end." You do really well with summing it up when Tania explains the conversation to Monica, so I'm not sure you'd need more than that.
Again, just an opinion. You're a fantastic writer, and I'm really enjoying this book so far!
Comment Written 30-Jun-2021
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2021
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Thank you so much for this excellent review, Jessica. I'm actually editing the first chapters now, so this has come just at the right moment. (Are you a mind reader???) Lol. I'm going to sort those areas out now, more so after your brilliant sugestions. Thank you, my friend. I'm so pleased you're enjoying the story. Warm hugs. Sandra xx
Comment from Begin Again
I love the way you paint every detail into the picture, the movements, the small things. Every little detail that adds to the reading - like seeing in action on a tv screen instead of on paper. I thought I use to write like that, but I appear to have lost that. reading your descriptions have made me more aware of my own failings - I'll work on them.
reply by the author on 12-Mar-2021
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I love the way you paint every detail into the picture, the movements, the small things. Every little detail that adds to the reading - like seeing in action on a tv screen instead of on paper. I thought I use to write like that, but I appear to have lost that. reading your descriptions have made me more aware of my own failings - I'll work on them.
Comment Written 12-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 12-Mar-2021
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No, your story is fabulous, and I love how you put us into the picture. That's a lovely compliment, though, that it's like watching it on the tele. Thank you! Now my face is cracking up with a huge smile. :))
Comment from giraffmang
Hi Sandra,
Another good chapter here, keeping things moving along through the dialogue between Tania and Monica. Working well.
'Oh, yes! Just what the doctor ordered.' Monica kicked off her shoes, and followed Tania over to the kitchen table to sort out their meals. "Yours was chicken in black bean sauce, right? Here you go. There's your egg fried rice and ... and these two ... are mine.'
While Monica dished out their meals, Tania poured them both a glass of wine. Before tucking in, they clinked glasses. 'Cheers!' - I was just reading some of my literature on writing. boring I know but a lot of folk espouse the deleting of this kind of information from dialogue if it isn't germane. Is it important to know what they were eating there. It's to do with removing incidental detailing which actually isn't that exciting or noteworthy. I don't know, just thought I'd mention it.
Tania was trying to pick up some rice with her chopsticks, but failing miserably. 'How on earth do the Chinese use these for rice? Damnit, I'm getting a spoon.' - presumably Tania has had Chinese food before, so why would she bother with this ritual. It seems to be there just for the reader and to break up the dialogue. We wouldn't do this.
All the best
G
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2021
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Hi Sandra,
Another good chapter here, keeping things moving along through the dialogue between Tania and Monica. Working well.
'Oh, yes! Just what the doctor ordered.' Monica kicked off her shoes, and followed Tania over to the kitchen table to sort out their meals. "Yours was chicken in black bean sauce, right? Here you go. There's your egg fried rice and ... and these two ... are mine.'
While Monica dished out their meals, Tania poured them both a glass of wine. Before tucking in, they clinked glasses. 'Cheers!' - I was just reading some of my literature on writing. boring I know but a lot of folk espouse the deleting of this kind of information from dialogue if it isn't germane. Is it important to know what they were eating there. It's to do with removing incidental detailing which actually isn't that exciting or noteworthy. I don't know, just thought I'd mention it.
Tania was trying to pick up some rice with her chopsticks, but failing miserably. 'How on earth do the Chinese use these for rice? Damnit, I'm getting a spoon.' - presumably Tania has had Chinese food before, so why would she bother with this ritual. It seems to be there just for the reader and to break up the dialogue. We wouldn't do this.
All the best
G
Comment Written 24-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2021
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Hi again! Thank you for another helpful review, Gareth!
I will sort those food parts out, remove them altogether, leaving them to chat as they eat. And I'll remember that for the future. :)) I'll sort out the computer bit, too. It's so nice of you to do this, my friend. Thank you so much. Warm hugs and much love, Sandra xx
Comment from DSchlosser
This was a good chapter to read. It was good to see Tania calmed down a bit and showing more of a personal side to her.
The only thing I had found in this chapter was a closed quotation mark around the beginning of a quote: "mumbled. 'Hang on.' She"
This was near the beginning of the chapter. Nothing else wrong that I saw.
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2021
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This was a good chapter to read. It was good to see Tania calmed down a bit and showing more of a personal side to her.
The only thing I had found in this chapter was a closed quotation mark around the beginning of a quote: "mumbled. 'Hang on.' She"
This was near the beginning of the chapter. Nothing else wrong that I saw.
Comment Written 20-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2021
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You have good eyes! Thank you, David, I'll also check that out on my MS Word doc. I'm glad you liked this part. Warm hugs, my friend. :)) Sandra xx
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I wish my eyes were as good with my own writing. I leave mistakes all over the place that other people catch.
Comment from Rosemary Everson1
The phone rang and who was it on the other end? I'll have to wait until the next chapter, won't I? I like the idea that this little lady is sticking up for herself. Each of us have to look up to her; whether it works out or doesn't after she talks to Colin is another chapter in itself.
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2020
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The phone rang and who was it on the other end? I'll have to wait until the next chapter, won't I? I like the idea that this little lady is sticking up for herself. Each of us have to look up to her; whether it works out or doesn't after she talks to Colin is another chapter in itself.
Comment Written 18-Nov-2020
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2020
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Thank you so much for going back to read chapter 7, Rosemary, and for your lovely review. Tania is tougher than they think. I'm glad you are enjoying my story, my friend. Warm hugs. Sandra xx
Comment from tfawcus
At first, I wondered about the domestic details but, as I read on, I came to realise what a perfect foil they were for the discussion between Tania and Monica, helping to maintain both the narrative tension and the authenticity.
The one side of the telephone conversation was also brilliantly handled - so real.
Skilled writing. I'd be taking my hat off to you if I was wearing one.
I'm reading a book at the moment called The Thursday Murder Club by Richard Osman. It's hilarious in a very British sort of way. I think you'd love it. Sarkems recommended it to me.
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2020
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At first, I wondered about the domestic details but, as I read on, I came to realise what a perfect foil they were for the discussion between Tania and Monica, helping to maintain both the narrative tension and the authenticity.
The one side of the telephone conversation was also brilliantly handled - so real.
Skilled writing. I'd be taking my hat off to you if I was wearing one.
I'm reading a book at the moment called The Thursday Murder Club by Richard Osman. It's hilarious in a very British sort of way. I think you'd love it. Sarkems recommended it to me.
Comment Written 13-Nov-2020
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2020
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Well, Tony, that is such a compliment! Thank you so very much. I have to give the reviewers on Fanstory the credit for helping me with my writing. When I began with the short stories, back a few years now, they really lambusted my grammer, the fact I was telling now showing. Loads of things, you've all helped me so much. So to get your review today just showed me how much I've improved. Thank you also for the lovely six stars, Tony, and this lovely review, I'm a very happy bunny. :)) Sandra xx
I've made a note of that book, and will get it. We'll know we've made it when someone starts to recommend our books! :))
Comment from alexisleech
Another great chapter, Sandra. You managed to include enough detail to set the scene, without being long-winded or boring. This Colin guy sounds like a real creep! I'm looking forward to hearing what he's got to say for himself.
Alexis xxx
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2020
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Another great chapter, Sandra. You managed to include enough detail to set the scene, without being long-winded or boring. This Colin guy sounds like a real creep! I'm looking forward to hearing what he's got to say for himself.
Alexis xxx
Comment Written 12-Nov-2020
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2020
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Thank you so very much for the lovely six stars, Alexis, and for the great comments. Yes, he is a slimeball. :)) I'm so pleased you are enjoying this story. Sending you a humongous hug, my dear friend. :)) Sandra xxxx
Comment from Roxanna Andrews
Oh my. I guess Grant will know that his half brother stole the plans from Tania now. What a very bad man. =] Great as always. I saw no errors and look forward to what's next.
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2020
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Oh my. I guess Grant will know that his half brother stole the plans from Tania now. What a very bad man. =] Great as always. I saw no errors and look forward to what's next.
Comment Written 11-Nov-2020
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2020
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Thanks so much, Rox. Things will get worse before they get better, in more ways than one! Stay tuned! Warm hugs, my friend, and have a lovely day. :)) Sandra xx
Comment from Y. M. Roger
So, the brother's an even bigger worm than imagined, eh? Wow. Too bad you can't just soak him in cold water to get rid of him, huh? LOL!! ;) Another great chapter here, my lady, and wonderful setting of backstory we'd suspected til now but it's now clear. Also great overall feel for the bond between Monica and Tania -- good job all round! ;) Thanx for sharing and look forward to next week! ;) Yvette
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2020
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So, the brother's an even bigger worm than imagined, eh? Wow. Too bad you can't just soak him in cold water to get rid of him, huh? LOL!! ;) Another great chapter here, my lady, and wonderful setting of backstory we'd suspected til now but it's now clear. Also great overall feel for the bond between Monica and Tania -- good job all round! ;) Thanx for sharing and look forward to next week! ;) Yvette
Comment Written 11-Nov-2020
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2020
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Thank you so much for this lovely review, Yvette, and all those shiny stars. You'll soon find out what Colin is like, he will be appearing soon. He's a character that you'll love to hate. :)) Thank you again, my dear friend. :)) Sandra xx
Comment from rspoet
Hello Sandra.
Another excellent addition to the book that fills in details before the confrontation. The dialogue read smoothly, though you Brits have a strange way of using the English language. LOL
We used to watch a British sit-com where they would talk about having an "eat-in." Something we call take-out food. Your term, take-away, is a little closer to our.
I'll have to try 'tucking in' at dinner tonight.
I like the use of these terms, though a U S editor might get wobbly about them. :)
Excellent cliffhanger ending, right on cue.
Well done.
Best wishes.
Robert.
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2020
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Hello Sandra.
Another excellent addition to the book that fills in details before the confrontation. The dialogue read smoothly, though you Brits have a strange way of using the English language. LOL
We used to watch a British sit-com where they would talk about having an "eat-in." Something we call take-out food. Your term, take-away, is a little closer to our.
I'll have to try 'tucking in' at dinner tonight.
I like the use of these terms, though a U S editor might get wobbly about them. :)
Excellent cliffhanger ending, right on cue.
Well done.
Best wishes.
Robert.
Comment Written 11-Nov-2020
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2020
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LOL! I'll Another one is to 'get stuck in' or 'let's get cracking' both those expressions are to do with getting on with your work. Where as, 'tuck in' is start to eat. We have loads, and they do make an English speaking story come alive and sound more authentic depening on the character. That's my excuse for using them, and apart from that, I use them! Lol. I've always been a colourful person.
Thank you so very much for this lovely fun review, I do enjoy them, And a big hug, my friend, for the six shining stars. I'm glad you liked the ending, it came right on cue, didn't it! LOL :)) Sandra xx
