Looking for Orion - 2
Viewing comments for Chapter 38 "The Visit - part 2"Brothers fight for faith ... and for their lives.
8 total reviews
Comment from roof35
Really good chapter in the book. I like that the doctor and Cody seem to be moving toward a relationship. Now, if they can just get the bad guys. Nicely done.
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2020
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Really good chapter in the book. I like that the doctor and Cody seem to be moving toward a relationship. Now, if they can just get the bad guys. Nicely done.
Comment Written 18-Oct-2020
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2020
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Thank you! Getting the bad guys is coming right up! :)
Blessings,
Deb
Comment from thaities, Rebecca V.
It is true sometimes that being home after a stay in the hospital can be more stressful. This is a great story, and I am happy to see it continuing. Cody is on the mend, thankfully.
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2020
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It is true sometimes that being home after a stay in the hospital can be more stressful. This is a great story, and I am happy to see it continuing. Cody is on the mend, thankfully.
Comment Written 17-Oct-2020
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2020
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Thank you! I plan to post another chapter tomorrow, if work allows. :)
Thank you for faithfully reading!
Blessings,
Deb
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Great!
Comment from lyenochka
I like your use of jokes to lighten the tension that the family is going through. I also liked how you contrast Jack's verbal assurance to his mother but how he really reacted when suddenly woken up that he is constantly in fear of being attacked. Great display of feeling through the actions! And even the repetition of the grandfather clock personifies time as it is always ticking away for people who are anxious.
Comments:
get his prescription filed." (filled)
I had trouble keeping up with who is talking because the people mentioned in the action tags are not the people talking:
She turned to Rachel (Who is "she" ? The paragraph started with Abby. But as I read it, it seems it's not Abby talking to "Mom" but Cody. Seems like you want to interject here that it's Cody talking not "She."
Abby smiled, bait taken. "Who's there?" (It's Michael who said "Who's there?" right?)
reply by the author on 16-Oct-2020
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I like your use of jokes to lighten the tension that the family is going through. I also liked how you contrast Jack's verbal assurance to his mother but how he really reacted when suddenly woken up that he is constantly in fear of being attacked. Great display of feeling through the actions! And even the repetition of the grandfather clock personifies time as it is always ticking away for people who are anxious.
Comments:
get his prescription filed." (filled)
I had trouble keeping up with who is talking because the people mentioned in the action tags are not the people talking:
She turned to Rachel (Who is "she" ? The paragraph started with Abby. But as I read it, it seems it's not Abby talking to "Mom" but Cody. Seems like you want to interject here that it's Cody talking not "She."
Abby smiled, bait taken. "Who's there?" (It's Michael who said "Who's there?" right?)
Comment Written 16-Oct-2020
reply by the author on 16-Oct-2020
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Thank you, Helen. :) I fixed the errors. The first was completely a misspelling - thank yu. The second was a spacing issue, but I did add that it was Cody speaking, just to make sure it was clear. In the knock-knock joke, MIchael started. Of course, there's no way to 'start' `a knoci-knock joke it you dn't know what's supposed to come next, which was Abby's joke on him. :)
Thanks so much!
Blessings,
Deb
Comment from robyn corum
Deb,
Nice chapter. I really enjoyed the comraderie and family closeness - you have a gift for that part of the writing, especially. Though it's all reaaallly good. *smile*
Some notes:
1.) he cocked his eyebrows, mimicking his mother, "not in my house."
--> just checking - 'cause Cody said this first not mom - was he mimicking her words or her attitude/facial expressions?
2.) So he goes off to get his prescription fil(l)ed."
3.) "No, it's not(,)" Abby protested, giving in to the giggles
--> this is being used as a speech tag
4.) Travis' laughter, which actually did]] turn out to be contagious.
--> remove extra marks?
5.) Cody, she heard Michael cry, "Dad, it was a set up! How did you fall for such a dumb trap? He shot you!"
--> it was waaay later before I realized he was talking about a game and not real life. I think, if you made that more clear before he says it, it would really hit the reader in the gut. (??)
6.) He loo(k)ed down and read the verse from Deuteronomy
7.) and nodded slowly. "Thank you, M(o)m."
8.) His fledgling faith struggled with the thought that evil
--> here you're talking about his faith slowly regrowing - but in the previous chapters I know I mentioned it looked like he was falling back into it pretty fast. This moment seems contradictory to the previous behaviors and things he's said, unless you've edited that part? Just a continuity issue.
Thnaks!
reply by the author on 16-Oct-2020
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Deb,
Nice chapter. I really enjoyed the comraderie and family closeness - you have a gift for that part of the writing, especially. Though it's all reaaallly good. *smile*
Some notes:
1.) he cocked his eyebrows, mimicking his mother, "not in my house."
--> just checking - 'cause Cody said this first not mom - was he mimicking her words or her attitude/facial expressions?
2.) So he goes off to get his prescription fil(l)ed."
3.) "No, it's not(,)" Abby protested, giving in to the giggles
--> this is being used as a speech tag
4.) Travis' laughter, which actually did]] turn out to be contagious.
--> remove extra marks?
5.) Cody, she heard Michael cry, "Dad, it was a set up! How did you fall for such a dumb trap? He shot you!"
--> it was waaay later before I realized he was talking about a game and not real life. I think, if you made that more clear before he says it, it would really hit the reader in the gut. (??)
6.) He loo(k)ed down and read the verse from Deuteronomy
7.) and nodded slowly. "Thank you, M(o)m."
8.) His fledgling faith struggled with the thought that evil
--> here you're talking about his faith slowly regrowing - but in the previous chapters I know I mentioned it looked like he was falling back into it pretty fast. This moment seems contradictory to the previous behaviors and things he's said, unless you've edited that part? Just a continuity issue.
Thnaks!
Comment Written 16-Oct-2020
reply by the author on 16-Oct-2020
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Oi! Lots of fixed. I"ve got them done, nd the previous segment, too.
On #5, I was trying to get the reader in the gut by NOT letting them know it was a game ahead of time, to experience it as Rachel did. It didn't work? Okay...Hmm...I'll, go take another look and see if I can make it punchier. :)
Got em all done - thank you for your sharp eye.
Many thanks, as always,
Blessings,
Deb.
Comment from AJ McCall
Abby and Cody are definitely onto each other. And that hair flipping scene was so cute! (They didn't realize the similarity of their movements...) I love the way you describe a family's usual banter and conversations and habits...especially the part when Rachel told Michael not to forget his towel...again. lol. I think Cody was my favorite in this chapter. He's the mature younger brother while Jack is the michevious, funny older brother who sometimes needs someone to tell him not to say anything. (Reminds me of my dad.)
The tension of the brothers' coming back for Cody and Jack is perfect. Then there's the factor of everyone wanting things go back to normal, but when will they? Will they ever? I can't wait to see when Cody and Abby will see each other again, maybe alone this time? Wink, wink!
Just some errors I noticed:
Thank you, (MOm.")
...which actually (did]]) turn out to be contagious.
Travis - Jack and Laine's boy, also (12.Frank Aulers) - FBI agent assigned to the Lehman case
Can't wait to read the next chapter!!
reply by the author on 16-Oct-2020
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Abby and Cody are definitely onto each other. And that hair flipping scene was so cute! (They didn't realize the similarity of their movements...) I love the way you describe a family's usual banter and conversations and habits...especially the part when Rachel told Michael not to forget his towel...again. lol. I think Cody was my favorite in this chapter. He's the mature younger brother while Jack is the michevious, funny older brother who sometimes needs someone to tell him not to say anything. (Reminds me of my dad.)
The tension of the brothers' coming back for Cody and Jack is perfect. Then there's the factor of everyone wanting things go back to normal, but when will they? Will they ever? I can't wait to see when Cody and Abby will see each other again, maybe alone this time? Wink, wink!
Just some errors I noticed:
Thank you, (MOm.")
...which actually (did]]) turn out to be contagious.
Travis - Jack and Laine's boy, also (12.Frank Aulers) - FBI agent assigned to the Lehman case
Can't wait to read the next chapter!!
Comment Written 16-Oct-2020
reply by the author on 16-Oct-2020
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Lol
I'll try to get it up tonight, AJ, but it's my grandson's 12th birthday and tomorrow is my...um...slightly-over-40th birthday. HA! (I'll be 60, but that's just slightly over 40 right?)
I tried to think 'Hallmark' instead of 'SWAT' when I wrote for Abby and Cody, so I'm glad to hear that it felt a bit that way.
And thank you for the exceptional rating, AJ! That's so cool. I appreciate it mucho.
Blessings and have a great weekend,
Deb
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You're welcome, Deb! And happy birthday to your grandson! And you'll be 60? That's really slightly over 40 lol! You're welcome again!
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OH, good! That means I'm only slightly overweight, too! lol!! Girl, I love your MATH!!
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:) You're too funny Deb! :)
Comment from royowen
As in previous episodes you have a great handle on the family banter and the closeness with which you've woven the narrative and characters together is an inspiration in your writing is good to behold, you've done a very good, great balance in this "breather" episode, well done, blessings Roy
reply by the author on 16-Oct-2020
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As in previous episodes you have a great handle on the family banter and the closeness with which you've woven the narrative and characters together is an inspiration in your writing is good to behold, you've done a very good, great balance in this "breather" episode, well done, blessings Roy
Comment Written 16-Oct-2020
reply by the author on 16-Oct-2020
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Thank you! I appreciate you reading and reviewing.
kind words.
Blessings and have a super weekend!
Debs
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Well done
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
Not a nice way to live, is it? Now Abby is part of the group that needs protection, the atmosphere will get worse. Rachel is right to be concerned. This was a lovely chapter, that started out tense, then we had some laughter ... genuine for a moment there, but then the fear came back. Well done, Debs, you wrote this beautifully. :)) Sandra xx
reply by the author on 16-Oct-2020
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Not a nice way to live, is it? Now Abby is part of the group that needs protection, the atmosphere will get worse. Rachel is right to be concerned. This was a lovely chapter, that started out tense, then we had some laughter ... genuine for a moment there, but then the fear came back. Well done, Debs, you wrote this beautifully. :)) Sandra xx
Comment Written 16-Oct-2020
reply by the author on 16-Oct-2020
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THank you. I always so appreciate your comments and continued reading. :)
kind words.
Blessings and have a super weekend!
Debs
Comment from Fonda Little
Mistake I found, "The chemistry between the young doctor and Cody I obvious, even to the children", after Cody change the word I to is
Also the font made your story a little hard to read.
The Lord led me to this verse after I read this,
Deuteronomy 3:22 New International Version (NIV)
22 Do not be afraid of them; the Lord your God himself will fight for you."
reply by the author on 16-Oct-2020
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Mistake I found, "The chemistry between the young doctor and Cody I obvious, even to the children", after Cody change the word I to is
Also the font made your story a little hard to read.
The Lord led me to this verse after I read this,
Deuteronomy 3:22 New International Version (NIV)
22 Do not be afraid of them; the Lord your God himself will fight for you."
Comment Written 16-Oct-2020
reply by the author on 16-Oct-2020
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Fonda, the fact that God gave you a verse after reading this is the best and most beautiful thing I've read in reviews. I"m going to rewrite the end of this chapter just a bit and put the verse from Deuteronomy in. There were several Bible verses in the early chapters and I've struggled with what to put in these chapters before I seek publication. Thank you for giving me this one. I know right where to put it.
And thank you for catching that goof! I'll go change it now. :)
Blessings and have a great weekend,
Debs
