Steve's Story-Poems
Viewing comments for Chapter 4 "Brief History of the Old Testament"A collection of my poems
90 total reviews
Comment from Alisa_K
Amazing! Bravo! Love it! A short version of the events for those who are too lazy to read thousands of pages! Well done! Make sure to check some of your mistakes and typos that I have corrected below:
1. Last line in the fourth stanza (One son a killer, one a victim.) could be changed to something like:
"One son's a killer, and one's a victim." Or something like that.
2. "The Hebrew families were all spared." I'd take out "all". It sounds better and doesn't change the meaning.
3. "Pursuing soldiers all were drowned." Switch "all" and "were". -Pursuing soldiers were all drowned.-
4. Check the periods at the end of each stanza. A couple of stanzas miss a period.
Thanks.
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2011
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Amazing! Bravo! Love it! A short version of the events for those who are too lazy to read thousands of pages! Well done! Make sure to check some of your mistakes and typos that I have corrected below:
1. Last line in the fourth stanza (One son a killer, one a victim.) could be changed to something like:
"One son's a killer, and one's a victim." Or something like that.
2. "The Hebrew families were all spared." I'd take out "all". It sounds better and doesn't change the meaning.
3. "Pursuing soldiers all were drowned." Switch "all" and "were". -Pursuing soldiers were all drowned.-
4. Check the periods at the end of each stanza. A couple of stanzas miss a period.
Thanks.
Comment Written 19-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2011
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Thanks, Alisa. I'll definitely take another look - the 'families' one will be down to sloppy pronunciation, where I only give it 2 syllables.
'all were' versus 'were all' - I actually changed it round this way just before posting - it means the stress falls on the more important 'all' rather than the meaningless auxiliary verb.
Comment from barkingdog
This is a very clever idea to put a bible moment in each verse. How great would this be for a bible class. Give them one verse a week to take home and study for the next class. By the end of the series of classes they would have the whole poem. Also, would be great to read to children, a little bit at at time.
It rhymes beautifully and reads smoothly and rather quickly.
Very nice.
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2011
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This is a very clever idea to put a bible moment in each verse. How great would this be for a bible class. Give them one verse a week to take home and study for the next class. By the end of the series of classes they would have the whole poem. Also, would be great to read to children, a little bit at at time.
It rhymes beautifully and reads smoothly and rather quickly.
Very nice.
Comment Written 19-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2011
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Thank you. I didn't think of its suitability for kids - some of the stories are so pared back to fit them in, it requires some prior knowlege just to get the point, but in the right hands, it could work...
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True. Bible school?
Comment from The Stranger
well that was a most entertaining view of Gods attitude towards his ever growing workload, thoroughly enjoyable througout, I shall wear a smile now, thank you!
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2011
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well that was a most entertaining view of Gods attitude towards his ever growing workload, thoroughly enjoyable througout, I shall wear a smile now, thank you!
Comment Written 19-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2011
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Thank you - more to come.
Comment from angel123
This poem is very well written. It is informative and somewhat humorous and I enjoyed reading it. Great artwork choice! It enhanced your poem. It held my attention and you don't need to make any changes.
angel123
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2011
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This poem is very well written. It is informative and somewhat humorous and I enjoyed reading it. Great artwork choice! It enhanced your poem. It held my attention and you don't need to make any changes.
angel123
Comment Written 19-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2011
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Thank you - more to come.
Comment from the blue pixel
Bloody hysterical and should be in in the faith contest where it would either be greatly appreciated or you would be stoned in the public quadrangle. LOL. Speaking as one of the chosen people and never having read the old testamant, MY bible, I loved your quick trip. it taught me stuff I should have known already. It is not very very funny and clever, but the rhyme and the metre are spot on. I don't know if you have read a gentlemsn called the Rhymelord on FS but you would both love each other's work. J
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2011
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Bloody hysterical and should be in in the faith contest where it would either be greatly appreciated or you would be stoned in the public quadrangle. LOL. Speaking as one of the chosen people and never having read the old testamant, MY bible, I loved your quick trip. it taught me stuff I should have known already. It is not very very funny and clever, but the rhyme and the metre are spot on. I don't know if you have read a gentlemsn called the Rhymelord on FS but you would both love each other's work. J
Comment Written 19-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2011
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Thanks, Carol - I learnt a fair bit too - most of which got left out for the sake of brevity!
I didn't know that you weere Jewish...
Yes, I have come across RhymeLord's work, and yes it is great!
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I imagined you did quite a lot of research for this wonderful poem Steve and the only time I tell people I am Jewish is when they post religious stuff that I can't relate to and actually feel quite uncomfortable with and I tell them that I will be unble to review poems with religious content. Your title initially worried me but I should have known better and found I was thoroughly delighted instead. xx Carol
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I am actually the most un-religious person I know - I have probably given the wrong impression of myself by choosing the Bible to write about. Like you I tend to duck religious works - it's not easy to tell someone you don't have any belief in what they clearly base their life around.
Steve
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Your poem told me you weren't too serious about religion Steve. I didn't mean to imply I thought you carried a bible under your arm. lol. You are so right about approching people about relgious stuff but I just can't, dare I say, abide, (there, I said it) asnd promised myself to allow myself the luxury of not even trying to read them even when posted by someone I review regularly and it seems that I have done it the right way as this has always been accepted well by them. xx Carol
Comment from DIS-illusioned
--Creative and humorous rendition to the Biblical creation story.
--Nice rhymes, structure and rhythmic flow.
--"A universe in six days flat!
I'll need a day off after that."
LOL! Such hard work. :)
--"troubles to afflict'em "
afflict 'em (separate).
--"God sent more troubles to afflict'em"
Hmm! Was it 'God' that sent this?
--""Should see the one that got away!")
Should have seen ...
--Masterful! Brilliantly narrated! Witty, yet true to the Biblical accounts. Very well done.
--Touch up the very few typos and grammar ticks, and this'll be a sure 6 (no pun intended).
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2011
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--Creative and humorous rendition to the Biblical creation story.
--Nice rhymes, structure and rhythmic flow.
--"A universe in six days flat!
I'll need a day off after that."
LOL! Such hard work. :)
--"troubles to afflict'em "
afflict 'em (separate).
--"God sent more troubles to afflict'em"
Hmm! Was it 'God' that sent this?
--""Should see the one that got away!")
Should have seen ...
--Masterful! Brilliantly narrated! Witty, yet true to the Biblical accounts. Very well done.
--Touch up the very few typos and grammar ticks, and this'll be a sure 6 (no pun intended).
Comment Written 19-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2011
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Thank you for the reviews and typo spotting - more hystericals to come.
Comment from nancyjam
This is wonderful. I love how you
managed to get so much in and rhyme it.
There were some very funny lines along the
way. I've never heard the Old Testament quite
so entertaining. Great job.
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2011
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This is wonderful. I love how you
managed to get so much in and rhyme it.
There were some very funny lines along the
way. I've never heard the Old Testament quite
so entertaining. Great job.
Comment Written 19-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2011
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Thank you, Nancy - more to come.
Comment from margota
Excellent poem of the history of the old Testament. The poem flows and rhymes well. The reader, that knows the Bible can identify with the authenticity of the information that is put in current day language. Great job!
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2011
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Excellent poem of the history of the old Testament. The poem flows and rhymes well. The reader, that knows the Bible can identify with the authenticity of the information that is put in current day language. Great job!
Comment Written 19-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2011
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Thank you - I was trying not to offend, so I wanted to get the basic story right at least
Comment from jackpeg
Hooray for every verse in this wonderful epic! Cecil B. DeMille would be proud of you. I once wrote a couplet for every O.T. Book, but this is a far more ambitious accomplishment. I'd give you a six if one was available, even after the terrible rhyme of "bolt/salt." Nice piece of verse, Kiwi.
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2011
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Hooray for every verse in this wonderful epic! Cecil B. DeMille would be proud of you. I once wrote a couplet for every O.T. Book, but this is a far more ambitious accomplishment. I'd give you a six if one was available, even after the terrible rhyme of "bolt/salt." Nice piece of verse, Kiwi.
Comment Written 19-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2011
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Thank you - more to come. Must be my kiwi ears make bolt and salt a valid rhyme.
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I thought later that bolt/salt might be a language pronunciation thing. We would rhyme bolt with colt, and salt with halt. Does that make sense when you pronounce them? Whatever, I enjoyed your "Brief History..." immnensely.
Comment from DonandVicki
A good black and white description of the old testament. Nice inventive use of meter and stanza structure. The black and white art enhances your prose...don
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reply by the author on 19-Apr-2011
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A good black and white description of the old testament. Nice inventive use of meter and stanza structure. The black and white art enhances your prose...don
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 19-Apr-2011
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2011
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Thank you - more to come.