Comment from rosehill (Wendy)

Exceptional

Brilliant work here Steve. You are right, it is interesting that we both speak of monsters - though in totally opposite genres. Your monster had crawled inside the former drunk in the form of the guilt that gnawed and its cousin, the fear of discovery and retribution. Your descriptions are intense and so easily recognizable in their reality. The only flaw I found was this line which is short a syllable:

While(needs a beat here) snow-flakes helter-skelter

But I loved :

We the aimless and the nameless
'cross the stranger's shadowed stare
With my guilt in grim pursuit

Skilled ending that is not maudlin, but gently reassuring and a comforting release from the poem's well-framed tension. Another atta-boy for ya from my very own bag of sixes.

 Comment Written 08-Nov-2013

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reply by the author on 11-Nov-2013

Thanks, Wendy.

I rely on the fact that most readers can stretch 'while' out to two syllables. There was originally a 'the' in there, but it got edited out when I realised I had snow falling in three consecutive stanzas!

I was/am uncertain of the ending - it's not really me, although many of FanStory will gobble it up! One reviewer has asked If I would like to be called Righteous Steve from now on!

Thanks again.

Steve

reply by rosehill (Wendy) on 12-Nov-2013

Hey Steve, Yes, the real Steve would have put a funny twist or quirky event at the end. I think that is why you did it so well. It isn't screaming from the rooftops or in your face, considering what you are alluding to, not overly religious, but hopeful. I really liked it and Righteous Steve is far better than Wrongteous Steve. - Wendy

Comment from jgirlie152

Exceptional

Oh my six stars!!! I am still shivering from this fantastic work you have created. It tells such a deep-felt story in a beautifully scripted way. It flows along, nothing missing in this at all, congratulations on a job well done.
Joan

 Comment Written 08-Nov-2013

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reply by the author on 11-Nov-2013

Joan, thanks so much for the enthusiastic review and all the stars.

Steve

Comment from Tomes Johnston

Excellent

This is a dark and disturbing poem that the author has created with this piece of writing. This man has paid for past indiscretions, but thankfully, he was saved by a final act of sacrifice.

 Comment Written 08-Nov-2013

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reply by the author on 11-Nov-2013

Thanks, Tomes.

Steve

reply by Tomes Johnston on 11-Nov-2013

My pleasure.

Comment from livelylinda

Exceptional

kiwisteveh: Oh, what a mighty story! I usually don't care for poetry which is this long (16 stanzas), because I get bored half way through. However, this poem kept my interest and rolled smoothly along to the end. We do have to pay for our mistakes and this man paid willingly. It is a fabulous story. livelylinda

 Comment Written 08-Nov-2013

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reply by the author on 11-Nov-2013

Thanks, Linda.

In my usual chaotic way, I started out with no idea where I was going and the story just evolved....

Steve

Comment from nancy_e_davis

Excellent

"Suddenly when lightening crashing"[Suggested change]
"Lit up the woods with ghostly flare"
"I could see my doom go flashing"
"'Cross the stranger's shadowed stare." [just a suggestion]

Wow! A very powerful poem. That one stanza needs tweeking only if you agree. This is really a dynamite poem and I think it deserves a six! So please accect my virtual six. Nancy

 Comment Written 08-Nov-2013

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reply by the author on 11-Nov-2013

Nancy, thanks for the encouraging words and the suggestions, plus the virtual six - I should know not to post these masterpieces at the end of the week when all the sixes have been spent!

Steve

Comment from LadyCosgrove

Excellent

This is a fabulous tale! So compelling to read, and grips the attention like a vice. You never disappoint.
LC

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 Comment Written 08-Nov-2013

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reply by the author on 11-Nov-2013

Thank you, my Lady!

Steve

Comment from kenni

Excellent

You really have me thinking on this one. It's so well written, so dramatic, and the story unfolds like life before me as I read the lines, twice, and I'll read them again. I'll bookcase it and return to later when I can give it more time. The stranger is the metaphor, but---
Best of luck. kenni

 Comment Written 08-Nov-2013

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reply by the author on 11-Nov-2013

Thanks, Kenni

Steve

Comment from brentman99

Exceptional

A very nice poem with a picture that seems to fit more as you read it, rather than from the start. I liked the way it flowed and enjoyed the message and redemption at the end. I was only going to give five stars, but the redemption part made me go with six. Well done. Thanks for sharing it with us, Brent.

 Comment Written 08-Nov-2013

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reply by the author on 11-Nov-2013

Thanks for the upgrade!

Steve

Comment from Adri7enne

Excellent

A story filled with pathos and tragedy. The plot developed in easy rhymes, with good flow and a steady meter. I enjoyed the read. Good luck in the contest, steveh.

 Comment Written 08-Nov-2013

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reply by the author on 11-Nov-2013

Thank you, Adrienne!

Steve

Comment from phoenix13447

Excellent

Oh my... you actually made the hair on my arms stand up. What a harrowing tale beautifully visualized in words and presented as a story of redemption. I wish you luck in the contest...we are competitors and I salute your prowess.

 Comment Written 08-Nov-2013

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reply by the author on 11-Nov-2013

Thank you.

This has given several readers goose-bumps, so I guess that's a good sign.

Steve