All Those Puzzling Pieces
Viewing comments for Chapter 43 "We, the Peaceful Watchers"What makes a life? How do the pieces fit?
87 total reviews
Comment from J. Dark
I was awestruck by this poem. You have created so many head-turning phrases in it that prick my conscious and wake me up. "Carve those curls of power" was genius, and images of hills of aqua water and milk 'n' cream laced foam have genuinely delighted my rainy UK morning. Must confess that "brown backs and biceps ripple with intent" nearly got me on the next plane to Hawaii!!! This is a really special piece of work, Sharyn, and I was literally gob-smacked when I read your author's note that this is your first attempt at blank verse! This piece clearly stands out as one of the best poems I have read on this website for me. An absolute joy.
I'm so, so sorry this site still won't let me give you six stars because of the silly thirty day rule, but rest assured, I want to give you seven anyway, so here they come - *******.
Kindest of regards,
Mrs D :-)
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2012
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I was awestruck by this poem. You have created so many head-turning phrases in it that prick my conscious and wake me up. "Carve those curls of power" was genius, and images of hills of aqua water and milk 'n' cream laced foam have genuinely delighted my rainy UK morning. Must confess that "brown backs and biceps ripple with intent" nearly got me on the next plane to Hawaii!!! This is a really special piece of work, Sharyn, and I was literally gob-smacked when I read your author's note that this is your first attempt at blank verse! This piece clearly stands out as one of the best poems I have read on this website for me. An absolute joy.
I'm so, so sorry this site still won't let me give you six stars because of the silly thirty day rule, but rest assured, I want to give you seven anyway, so here they come - *******.
Kindest of regards,
Mrs D :-)
Comment Written 25-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2012
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That's so lovely of you Mrs D! You just made my night and I'll now sleep like a beatific baby! And I'll take a virtual SEVEN any day from you - thank you so much ! :) Sharyn
Comment from juliedickson55
Lovely waves...I love the rhythmic waves.
Nice descriptive quality:
"hills of aqua waters build and crest"
"milk'n'cream-laced foam"
I can easily picture the surfers in my mind...nicely done.
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2012
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Lovely waves...I love the rhythmic waves.
Nice descriptive quality:
"hills of aqua waters build and crest"
"milk'n'cream-laced foam"
I can easily picture the surfers in my mind...nicely done.
Comment Written 25-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2012
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thx julie! :) Sharyn
Comment from rhymelord
Dear Sharyn,
Why you should worry, I have no idea. With the skill you have traditionally shown in rhymed, metred verse, blank verse should be a walk in the park and so you have proved to be. Once the question of metre is out of the way (by the way I read your interchange with rama devi and you are both right but I think she was a bit "righter" than you to appeal to an American reader), one turns to the subject and expression of the poem and here you score a big plus also. Your imagery is powerful and I love he picture conjured up by "rolling thunder roars". Great writing and to follow on your suggested comment, but of course, expressing it in iambic pentameter and the vernacular:
"So, Shakespeare eat your Pommy heart out, mate"
Regards
Reg
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2012
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Dear Sharyn,
Why you should worry, I have no idea. With the skill you have traditionally shown in rhymed, metred verse, blank verse should be a walk in the park and so you have proved to be. Once the question of metre is out of the way (by the way I read your interchange with rama devi and you are both right but I think she was a bit "righter" than you to appeal to an American reader), one turns to the subject and expression of the poem and here you score a big plus also. Your imagery is powerful and I love he picture conjured up by "rolling thunder roars". Great writing and to follow on your suggested comment, but of course, expressing it in iambic pentameter and the vernacular:
"So, Shakespeare eat your Pommy heart out, mate"
Regards
Reg
Comment Written 25-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2012
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thanks Reg for a good, thorough review ... and I did change that line, just to keep rd happy because yes, dammit, she was probably "righter" - though an Aussie would probably put equal emphasis on both or they'd be inter-changeable, but hey, we're purists, right? Bless you! Sharyn
Comment from paul O'Brien
Brillianr!!
I can read the iambs -no trouble at all
Heavily iamb weighted but with other meter there as well to gain the rythm and mood
the pic suits the poem
I'm sure eveyone will agree with your-
" We, the peaceful watchers, feel the joy
of time when life was wild as ocean wave,
and every breath had possibilities.
"My love, come with me, gently take my hand
Let's vow to live this way, from now to end."
Paul
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2012
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Brillianr!!
I can read the iambs -no trouble at all
Heavily iamb weighted but with other meter there as well to gain the rythm and mood
the pic suits the poem
I'm sure eveyone will agree with your-
" We, the peaceful watchers, feel the joy
of time when life was wild as ocean wave,
and every breath had possibilities.
"My love, come with me, gently take my hand
Let's vow to live this way, from now to end."
Paul
Comment Written 25-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2012
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yeah Paul! glad you can read the iambs here - though no other meters are present as far as I know - so glad you enjoyed dear! :) Sharyn
Comment from misscookie
I thought your artwork was awesome it's a perfect match for your poem.
I cold vision all the action and the thrill riding those high waves. You hadmyattention fronm the foirst line to the last.
Thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2012
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I thought your artwork was awesome it's a perfect match for your poem.
I cold vision all the action and the thrill riding those high waves. You hadmyattention fronm the foirst line to the last.
Thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 25-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2012
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thx misscookie!
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Your very welcome.
Until next time.
Comment from EMB
Ha! Shakespeare can go chew on a dirty quill, for all I care. This is good stuff. This poem seems like the Keanu Reeves character in Point Break would love. But this is dangerously beautiful. I, for one, have always had a healthy dose of fear when the ocean is this way. :D
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2012
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Ha! Shakespeare can go chew on a dirty quill, for all I care. This is good stuff. This poem seems like the Keanu Reeves character in Point Break would love. But this is dangerously beautiful. I, for one, have always had a healthy dose of fear when the ocean is this way. :D
Comment Written 25-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2012
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me too! I'm the sort who ends up with my nose in the sand and my feet sticking up at odd angles - not so, however, my son, who is a fish! :)
Comment from c_lucas
Blank verse and Free verse are two of the more difficult forms. More so if the poet is use to a more strict forms. I would give this a B+. I've read it thrice, but I am not comfortable with it.
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2012
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Blank verse and Free verse are two of the more difficult forms. More so if the poet is use to a more strict forms. I would give this a B+. I've read it thrice, but I am not comfortable with it.
Comment Written 25-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2012
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what the hell are you talking about Charlie? it's in perfect iambic pentameter and is blank verse!
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I stand corrected. Sorry.
Comment from OLA THOMAS
This is a magical build up, a fince crescendo! You tactically began the journey as a mere beach-surfing adventure of youths and masterly achieved a build-up to a fine link with nolstagiac nature of man- looking back to the glorious days. I sincerely enjoy the 'link' and the deep message in the last two lines:
'My love, come with me, gently take my hand
Let's vow to live this way, from now to end. I also like: 'Anticipation - inspiration's breath-'
ola thomas
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2012
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This is a magical build up, a fince crescendo! You tactically began the journey as a mere beach-surfing adventure of youths and masterly achieved a build-up to a fine link with nolstagiac nature of man- looking back to the glorious days. I sincerely enjoy the 'link' and the deep message in the last two lines:
'My love, come with me, gently take my hand
Let's vow to live this way, from now to end. I also like: 'Anticipation - inspiration's breath-'
ola thomas
Comment Written 25-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2012
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thx Ola! :) Sharyn
Comment from rama devi
Wonderful descriptive write with almost flawless meter and superb use of poetic devices for phonetic appeal--assonance, consonance and alliteration abound and make up for no rhyming. Very good blank verse style.
The only line that did not have perfect iambic flow and scansion is this:
A light trade wind plays through my careless hair,
and it might be simply a matter of diction, but I hear the word trade wind with the emphasis on TRADE, not wind.
Suggestion:
Light trade wind plays within my careless hair,
or
A trade wind gently plays through careless hair,
This is masterfully crafted, rich in auditory nuance (read aloud) and visuals, too:
Along the coast, the rolling thunder roars
Delight of adolescent glory boys
who seize their boards, swim out to meet the surf,
Brown backs and biceps ripple with intent
to carve those curls of power without fear,
and think for just a moment they can win
the splendor of the thirty second thrill.
LOVE THIS LINE-
Anticipation - inspiration's breath -
As hills of aqua waters build and crest
nice simile-
They laugh and slide down milk'n'cream-laced foam
Superb alliteration-
So, fluid ... flying - slide and skim to shore
With spirits lifted up to brilliant sky.
Poignant line--nostalgic, even: (makes good title too)
We, the peaceful watchers, feel the joy
of time when life was wild as ocean wave,
and every breath had possibilities.
nice closing couplet:
My love, come with me, gently take my hand
Let's vow to live this way, from now to end.
Almost a six!
Bravo
Warmly, rd
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2012
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Wonderful descriptive write with almost flawless meter and superb use of poetic devices for phonetic appeal--assonance, consonance and alliteration abound and make up for no rhyming. Very good blank verse style.
The only line that did not have perfect iambic flow and scansion is this:
A light trade wind plays through my careless hair,
and it might be simply a matter of diction, but I hear the word trade wind with the emphasis on TRADE, not wind.
Suggestion:
Light trade wind plays within my careless hair,
or
A trade wind gently plays through careless hair,
This is masterfully crafted, rich in auditory nuance (read aloud) and visuals, too:
Along the coast, the rolling thunder roars
Delight of adolescent glory boys
who seize their boards, swim out to meet the surf,
Brown backs and biceps ripple with intent
to carve those curls of power without fear,
and think for just a moment they can win
the splendor of the thirty second thrill.
LOVE THIS LINE-
Anticipation - inspiration's breath -
As hills of aqua waters build and crest
nice simile-
They laugh and slide down milk'n'cream-laced foam
Superb alliteration-
So, fluid ... flying - slide and skim to shore
With spirits lifted up to brilliant sky.
Poignant line--nostalgic, even: (makes good title too)
We, the peaceful watchers, feel the joy
of time when life was wild as ocean wave,
and every breath had possibilities.
nice closing couplet:
My love, come with me, gently take my hand
Let's vow to live this way, from now to end.
Almost a six!
Bravo
Warmly, rd
Comment Written 25-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2012
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no way rd! "Light trade wind plays within my careless hair," - the strong syllable would be on "Light" so it wouldn't work at all with iambs. And your 2nd suggestion wouldn't work either, as I establish the "we" early in the piece. The line I have is actually a perfect iamb - the emphasis is on "light" - so no "almost" sixes with this one my dear!!! it's a goodie! :)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
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Sorry dear but the emphasis on light is not a problem. The problem is the emphasis on WIND in trade wind.
A light trade wind plays through my careless hair,
a LGIHT tradeWIND plays THROUGH my CAREless HAIR
Trade wind is usually said with the accent on TRADE, not wind.
My suggestions may not work, but the line still needs revision in my opinion. Sorry!
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ok - you're right - Americans do pronounce if TRADE wind, dammit ... so take another peek if you would and tell me if my new line works! :)
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if you pronounce it differently, it's fine to keep as is. I do not know the diction in AU. :)
But I will of course take a peek at the new line...on my way. Love,r d
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Perfect. I think it's a keeper and nicely alliterative. Love, rd
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oh good! if you're happy, I'm happy! :)
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;-)) and I'm happy if YOU'RE happy!
Comment from Heaven Bound
Nicely done. I couldn't help but think about our trip to Kauai this summer and seeing the locals trying to master the big one. We didn't see any waves as big as those you were describing, but the wind was blowing pretty good the entire time we were there. Enjoyable.
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2012
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Nicely done. I couldn't help but think about our trip to Kauai this summer and seeing the locals trying to master the big one. We didn't see any waves as big as those you were describing, but the wind was blowing pretty good the entire time we were there. Enjoyable.
Comment Written 25-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2012
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It was HUGE here on Sunday HB - my 15 1/2 year old went out with his board and with his friends ... all these beautiful "young men" so close to being grown up - it was a gorgeous day. :) Sharyn