Comment from B.B. Rose

Exceptional

Wow! Thanks for this work. You've captured an age rather brilliantly as well as a part of that time that I have never, fortunately, had to endure. (I'm a LOWL -- little old white lady). Your imagery is specific and spot on.
"Part of me imagines
my body's chalked outline.
Prejudice and passions
strangle and intertwine."

Great stuff. You appear to me to have talent, but lots of people have talent so keep on learning and writing and I truly believe you will enjoy a fine new career. As a tiny thought, you might have played off of the 45s (records) and the shop owner with a 45...but that might be too subtle in a song.

Anyway, good luck! Warm regards, B.B. Rose

 Comment Written 08-Oct-2017

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reply by the author on 10-Oct-2017

Yes, B.B. Rose, because the shop owner aimed what might have been a .45 at me, I could have played off of 45s the records, but the premonition is there. In one line I write "Forty-fives ev'rywhere!" In a following line a real gun comes out, giving a subtle twist to .45.

I am grateful that I captured the points and a low point of the era.

Thanks for noting my spot on memory. As I stated in my song, decades after the incident, I returned to the shop and imagined my chalked outline in front of it.

Thank you for giving my song its first six star review and for encouraging me to keep writing. Right now, I am listening to an audiobook version of Chaucer's The Canterbury Tales for the first time. I am still learning. Yes, I may have a new career, and a fine one, at that. Thanks again.

Comment from flylikeaneagle

Excellent

I like your repeats --The record of life spins. Who loses or wins?
Great class and flash back of your memories. I'm glad you are ok.
Sometimes, we need to talk about our past to heal. Did you become
a DJ? I have my albums. I love to dance and listen to music.

Blue eyes and a barrel
target my sweating head.
I stare at the muzzle
and fear I'll soon be dead.

Good awareness of the dangers of a gun. Why aren't these guns stopped?
Too many innocent have been killed. Now, with Las Vegas. They just wanted
to hear music. God bless them.

Great entry. Well written with rhymes and beat. flylikeaneagle - nancy

 Comment Written 08-Oct-2017

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reply by the author on 10-Oct-2017

Yes, Nancy, those people in Vegas just wanted to hear the music and me in L.A. decades ago just wanted to buy the music, but then the guns come out. Thank you for noting your favorite stanza about the dangers of guns.

No, I never became a DJ, but I am writing my own songs now. Thank you for your review.

Comment from kiwigirl2821

Excellent

I think I know who you are based on the style of this one. It is an amazingly good write and it should do well in the contest. I love social awareness pieces. Good luck. xoxo Kiwi

This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.

 Comment Written 08-Oct-2017

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reply by the author on 10-Oct-2017

Thank you, Kiwi, for your review and for wishing me well in the contest. One fellow student in my songwriting class said that my writing is so distinctive that there is no other songwriter like me.

Thanks also for giving my song its first review,

Mystery Songwriter