Old Decrepit Woman Revised.
Written about a painting I saw.177 total reviews
Comment from azwildrosa
a great write to a great painting. i can feel the pain in this poem. it drew me in keeping me going wanting to read more. bravo on your write and thank you for sharing. best wishes to you on your writing journey.
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2011
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a great write to a great painting. i can feel the pain in this poem. it drew me in keeping me going wanting to read more. bravo on your write and thank you for sharing. best wishes to you on your writing journey.
Comment Written 25-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2011
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Thank you AZ.
Comment from poetry4all
I really liked your analogy of the woman's fate from the appearance, and the ware of age as her youthful year are taken her to excepting her fate.very good.Keep writing and keep inspiring
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2011
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I really liked your analogy of the woman's fate from the appearance, and the ware of age as her youthful year are taken her to excepting her fate.very good.Keep writing and keep inspiring
Comment Written 25-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2011
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Thank you Poetry.
Comment from HAWordsmith
Loved this piece, you really brought the plight to the page. The only thing out of place is the reference to Poseidon and the poor daughter of Eve. Since we are sweltering in the Mexican heat in this piece, I think it would be more effective to use their God of death, perhaps Mictlantecuhtli or La Santa Muerte.
There are also a few things that can be cleaned up a bit, ie
"Old decrepit woman, they've thrown you into the snake pit.
They've stolen all of your possessions and all of your land." would become:
Old decrepit woman, they've thrown you into the snake pit,
stolen your possessions and all of your land.
I understand that you are repeating "they've" and "all of your" for emphasis, however, the action having been done is emphasis enough and we already know who is doing it, kind of. IMHO
I really enjoyed reading this piece, you brought me right into the landscape. Thank you for this posting and many blessings.
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2011
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Loved this piece, you really brought the plight to the page. The only thing out of place is the reference to Poseidon and the poor daughter of Eve. Since we are sweltering in the Mexican heat in this piece, I think it would be more effective to use their God of death, perhaps Mictlantecuhtli or La Santa Muerte.
There are also a few things that can be cleaned up a bit, ie
"Old decrepit woman, they've thrown you into the snake pit.
They've stolen all of your possessions and all of your land." would become:
Old decrepit woman, they've thrown you into the snake pit,
stolen your possessions and all of your land.
I understand that you are repeating "they've" and "all of your" for emphasis, however, the action having been done is emphasis enough and we already know who is doing it, kind of. IMHO
I really enjoyed reading this piece, you brought me right into the landscape. Thank you for this posting and many blessings.
Comment Written 25-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2011
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Thanks for the advice. And the review Hawordsmith.
Comment from Hareem.S
Awesome work! This is elegantly written and the words are carefully chosen. The structure, style, expression and ryhme everything is impeccable. Moreover, i love the theme. You need to be apathtic to write tis kinda thing. You are indeed very creative, a beautiful and poignant story penned down just from a picture. And it explains the sad truth which is all around us these days. Great work!
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2011
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Awesome work! This is elegantly written and the words are carefully chosen. The structure, style, expression and ryhme everything is impeccable. Moreover, i love the theme. You need to be apathtic to write tis kinda thing. You are indeed very creative, a beautiful and poignant story penned down just from a picture. And it explains the sad truth which is all around us these days. Great work!
Comment Written 25-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2011
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thank you Hareem.
Comment from Cheryl Daphine
Very well done free verse. You described the woman in the picture fantastically. I am sure ther are multitudes in this deplorable condition. Lots of heart and passion in your words. We are told in the bible to,"Tend to the widows' more than once.
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2011
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Very well done free verse. You described the woman in the picture fantastically. I am sure ther are multitudes in this deplorable condition. Lots of heart and passion in your words. We are told in the bible to,"Tend to the widows' more than once.
Comment Written 25-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2011
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Thank you Daph.
Comment from MyYiaYia
I loved this poem, even though I have a question about one part and have certain lines I thought were exceptional. I wondered about her bruised and beaten baby, only because she is so old, it would have to be a 'grand' instead. I loved the line 'Like a raisin losing its breath'. This was such a suitable description of the picture and a very unique one, in my opinion. Your author's notes were very informative and I thank you for the detailing of the 'Ekphrastic'. Well done. Deb :0)
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2011
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I loved this poem, even though I have a question about one part and have certain lines I thought were exceptional. I wondered about her bruised and beaten baby, only because she is so old, it would have to be a 'grand' instead. I loved the line 'Like a raisin losing its breath'. This was such a suitable description of the picture and a very unique one, in my opinion. Your author's notes were very informative and I thank you for the detailing of the 'Ekphrastic'. Well done. Deb :0)
Comment Written 25-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2011
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Thanks Deb
Comment from Ultra Demos
Old decrepit woman, perishing in the sweltering Mexican sands.
She looks like she is from MUMBAI :)
A very haunting but profound way of bringing alive poetry.
I loved these lines.
Old decrepit woman, weltering, ravished and ripped apart
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Like a raisin losing its breath.
Old decrepit woman, here comes putrid Poseidon.
Poor Daughter of Eve, prepare yourself for death.
Great job!
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2011
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Old decrepit woman, perishing in the sweltering Mexican sands.
She looks like she is from MUMBAI :)
A very haunting but profound way of bringing alive poetry.
I loved these lines.
Old decrepit woman, weltering, ravished and ripped apart
.
Like a raisin losing its breath.
Old decrepit woman, here comes putrid Poseidon.
Poor Daughter of Eve, prepare yourself for death.
Great job!
Comment Written 25-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2011
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Thank you demos.
Comment from God's Writer
A very interesting poem. I thought it interesting how you started each phrase with the same words. It rally cemented the poem together. The mind pictures you created are awesome. Thank you for the wonderful trip!!!!!!!
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2011
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A very interesting poem. I thought it interesting how you started each phrase with the same words. It rally cemented the poem together. The mind pictures you created are awesome. Thank you for the wonderful trip!!!!!!!
Comment Written 25-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2011
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thank you poet.
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Thank you for sharing.
Comment from moyramouse
It's fascinating how paintings say different things to different people. This lady's face says a hard life, but she is strong and proud. Look how upright she holds herself, look how directly she looks you in the eye. I would think from her clothing she comes from India or Pakistan as she is wearing a sari. I didn't really understand how she could be 'the woes of all your prayers and grieving' - did you mean she stand for all you feel is unfair about society? Similarly, where does the baby come in? She is well past childbearing age. In line 2 she is shivering, in line 3 she is sweltering. The raisin simile is interesting but the connection is difficult to make as raisins do not breathe - I get the wrinkled and dried up element which is implied. I was interested in your choice of the adjective 'putrid' to describe Poseidon. I think maybe it was in the cause of alliteration as to describe Poseidon as putrid is rather far-fetched and I cannot think on any aspect of this Greek god which would lead you to think him putrid. Conversely I enjoyed your 'daughter of Eve'
I think these lines worked well
Old decrepit woman, they've thrown you into the snake pit.
They've stolen all of your possessions and all of your land.
Old decrepit woman, your soul cries goodbye.
The line about the worms relies too heavily on hyperbole
and the line 'it is always the innocent ones that must die' is very confusing because we all have to die so by implication we are all innocent.
I feel I have been really schoolmarmish with this review and for that I apologise. I think perhaps you allowed too many aspects to intrude with this poem instead of concentrating on the lady and the way she approaches death with a stoic dignity. xxxmouse
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2011
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It's fascinating how paintings say different things to different people. This lady's face says a hard life, but she is strong and proud. Look how upright she holds herself, look how directly she looks you in the eye. I would think from her clothing she comes from India or Pakistan as she is wearing a sari. I didn't really understand how she could be 'the woes of all your prayers and grieving' - did you mean she stand for all you feel is unfair about society? Similarly, where does the baby come in? She is well past childbearing age. In line 2 she is shivering, in line 3 she is sweltering. The raisin simile is interesting but the connection is difficult to make as raisins do not breathe - I get the wrinkled and dried up element which is implied. I was interested in your choice of the adjective 'putrid' to describe Poseidon. I think maybe it was in the cause of alliteration as to describe Poseidon as putrid is rather far-fetched and I cannot think on any aspect of this Greek god which would lead you to think him putrid. Conversely I enjoyed your 'daughter of Eve'
I think these lines worked well
Old decrepit woman, they've thrown you into the snake pit.
They've stolen all of your possessions and all of your land.
Old decrepit woman, your soul cries goodbye.
The line about the worms relies too heavily on hyperbole
and the line 'it is always the innocent ones that must die' is very confusing because we all have to die so by implication we are all innocent.
I feel I have been really schoolmarmish with this review and for that I apologise. I think perhaps you allowed too many aspects to intrude with this poem instead of concentrating on the lady and the way she approaches death with a stoic dignity. xxxmouse
Comment Written 25-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2011
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Thank you Moyra. Actually the baby is supposed to be her granddaughter. Thank you for your advice and your honesty. Yeah I should've just used him as a symbol of death instead of bringing him in as a character. Thank you for your review.
Comment from Charmane
You did an awesome job with your indepth acknowledgement of this portrait.I see a very old and tired frame of an elderly woman. Her face seems to share a story of years of hard labor and frustration.
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2011
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You did an awesome job with your indepth acknowledgement of this portrait.I see a very old and tired frame of an elderly woman. Her face seems to share a story of years of hard labor and frustration.
Comment Written 25-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2011
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Thank you Charmane.