Death's Sadness
A sad day.121 total reviews
Comment from mediumhead
this is very thoughtful, the use of the word stopped feels so final and made me stop in my tracks. The image you have used works so well. Thank you for sharing this.
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this is very thoughtful, the use of the word stopped feels so final and made me stop in my tracks. The image you have used works so well. Thank you for sharing this.
Comment Written 15-Jun-2011
Comment from rama devi
So sorry for your loss (unless this is fictional). This 5-7-5 poem conveys a strong feeling of sadness and grief with direct wording.
I do have some suggestions to improve this in terms of tense usage and word economy.
In a short poem like this style, it is best to make each syllable get maximum mileage and to avoid unnecessary filler words.
Also, line two is grammatically awkward to my ear--Grammatically, it feels like it wants another verb...felt saddened, or was saddened.
but my suggestion is to find a stronger verb altogether. The line as it is TELLS the reader how people felt. But the art of poetic writing is to aim for SHOWING the reader--or revealing.
His life stopped today.
All the world deeply saddened
For the greatness lost.
I hope you do not ind if I take the liberty to offer an example--start with the same first line but find imagery to illustrate the second two lines without 'stating' them.
His life stopped today.
The sky rained tear-fountains
for the bright light lost.
I think your poem is good, but could be much better if you use the art of showing rather than telling.
Best wishes,
rama devi
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So sorry for your loss (unless this is fictional). This 5-7-5 poem conveys a strong feeling of sadness and grief with direct wording.
I do have some suggestions to improve this in terms of tense usage and word economy.
In a short poem like this style, it is best to make each syllable get maximum mileage and to avoid unnecessary filler words.
Also, line two is grammatically awkward to my ear--Grammatically, it feels like it wants another verb...felt saddened, or was saddened.
but my suggestion is to find a stronger verb altogether. The line as it is TELLS the reader how people felt. But the art of poetic writing is to aim for SHOWING the reader--or revealing.
His life stopped today.
All the world deeply saddened
For the greatness lost.
I hope you do not ind if I take the liberty to offer an example--start with the same first line but find imagery to illustrate the second two lines without 'stating' them.
His life stopped today.
The sky rained tear-fountains
for the bright light lost.
I think your poem is good, but could be much better if you use the art of showing rather than telling.
Best wishes,
rama devi
Comment Written 15-Jun-2011
Comment from zauthor
I liked the poem. I think that shock of the first line (the ending of life) gave way appropriately to the rest of the poem. I would like to know where the sadness came from when looking at this picture. To me the picture seems to tell a story of a new hopeful day.
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I liked the poem. I think that shock of the first line (the ending of life) gave way appropriately to the rest of the poem. I would like to know where the sadness came from when looking at this picture. To me the picture seems to tell a story of a new hopeful day.
Comment Written 15-Jun-2011
Comment from daymanrayne
I would have voted if that was a contest piece just now because I have been around a lot of people I have lost and just saw a flash of that in those short words...Great job
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I would have voted if that was a contest piece just now because I have been around a lot of people I have lost and just saw a flash of that in those short words...Great job
Comment Written 15-Jun-2011
Comment from dejohnsrld (Debbie)
such a sad poem but so true. That is how it feels when someone you care about leaves this world. Good luck in the contest!!! Debbie
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such a sad poem but so true. That is how it feels when someone you care about leaves this world. Good luck in the contest!!! Debbie
Comment Written 15-Jun-2011
Comment from InterestingRon
This so short poem has such a lot to say.
Every single day people are dying, and in each home loved ones are left behind trying to cope. It's happened three times to me in my immediate family, so your words really touched me.
Ron
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This so short poem has such a lot to say.
Every single day people are dying, and in each home loved ones are left behind trying to cope. It's happened three times to me in my immediate family, so your words really touched me.
Ron
Comment Written 15-Jun-2011
Comment from chita
You have good imagery and a good flow with your poem-you accomplished your goal of saddness--I love where you write(As the world deeply saddened) a well penned write-great job.
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You have good imagery and a good flow with your poem-you accomplished your goal of saddness--I love where you write(As the world deeply saddened) a well penned write-great job.
Comment Written 15-Jun-2011
Comment from DonandVicki
I am impressed by your very moving and sad, yet lovely tribute to whom I'm not sure who the great person is, Jesus, a loved one? This is what poetry is all about to make the lover of poetry think. Don
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I am impressed by your very moving and sad, yet lovely tribute to whom I'm not sure who the great person is, Jesus, a loved one? This is what poetry is all about to make the lover of poetry think. Don
Comment Written 15-Jun-2011
Comment from el twelve
well written and congrats on the award, these short poems are great because one says so much in so few words. The words and flow were smooth for easy reading
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well written and congrats on the award, these short poems are great because one says so much in so few words. The words and flow were smooth for easy reading
Comment Written 15-Jun-2011
Comment from heyjude
boomachicka, a nicely crafted 5-7-5 poem for the contest.
Yes, it is sad when we lose men or women of greatness
who truly change the world around them for the better.
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boomachicka, a nicely crafted 5-7-5 poem for the contest.
Yes, it is sad when we lose men or women of greatness
who truly change the world around them for the better.
Comment Written 15-Jun-2011