Steve's Story-Poems
Viewing comments for Chapter 6 "Smiler Jack"A collection of my poems
75 total reviews
Comment from jackpeg
This brough tears to my eyes, Kiwi. After the first verse, I began reading it in Aussie dialect, at least version of it. The wording and the story line is masterful. I had trouble with the meter in a few places. The lines are heptameter, seven accents, but the line toward the bottom, "I told her I was sorry for leading her such a dance." "I told her I was sorry I had stumbled at the dance." No, that scans better, but is not quite the right sentiment. Hope you work on it. SUPER super piece o' work, Mate.
reply by the author on 28-May-2011
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This brough tears to my eyes, Kiwi. After the first verse, I began reading it in Aussie dialect, at least version of it. The wording and the story line is masterful. I had trouble with the meter in a few places. The lines are heptameter, seven accents, but the line toward the bottom, "I told her I was sorry for leading her such a dance." "I told her I was sorry I had stumbled at the dance." No, that scans better, but is not quite the right sentiment. Hope you work on it. SUPER super piece o' work, Mate.
Comment Written 28-May-2011
reply by the author on 28-May-2011
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Thank you for the six stars and the warm review - it means a lot coming from you.
I worked on this a bit - more than my usual hasty scrawl! I'm hoping to enter it in our local bush poetry competition.
I originally had 'leading such a dance' and then I added 'her' thinking I could get away with it (which I can if I read it myself) so I appreciate your view that it has to change.
Thanks again.
Steve
Comment from jehanned
This is so well played. I was riveted through every word. I like stories like these, tell a man's story, build details quickly, and end in a life changing way in a few short stages. Leaves hope for others out there that there is always a way home.
reply by the author on 28-May-2011
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This is so well played. I was riveted through every word. I like stories like these, tell a man's story, build details quickly, and end in a life changing way in a few short stages. Leaves hope for others out there that there is always a way home.
Comment Written 28-May-2011
reply by the author on 28-May-2011
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Thank you - this one has been brewing for a while - I usually write my pieces in a few minutes. I know the standard is always high in these contests so I thought I'd better give it my best shot. Glad you enjoyed it.
Steve
Comment from RavensWord
I am not studying literary criticism. My only qualification to review this poem is that I have ears and eyes. And I liked what I read.
Sure it was full of metaphors but it was also down to earth with the atmosphere almost being palatable. There's nothing new about the situation; love lost, love regained, but carrying your reader along a meandering path twisting from present to past then back again in a succinct way was just plain good reading. Kudos.
reply by the author on 28-May-2011
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I am not studying literary criticism. My only qualification to review this poem is that I have ears and eyes. And I liked what I read.
Sure it was full of metaphors but it was also down to earth with the atmosphere almost being palatable. There's nothing new about the situation; love lost, love regained, but carrying your reader along a meandering path twisting from present to past then back again in a succinct way was just plain good reading. Kudos.
Comment Written 28-May-2011
reply by the author on 28-May-2011
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Thank you so much. I'm glad you are not a literary critic - the poem's not intended for them! Actually it's headed for a 'bush poetry' competition, hopefully to be read aloud to a bunch of people who don't usually read or listen to poetry!
Steve
Comment from writerwish
Nice ghost story. Held my interest all the way through this poem. I was surprised when the bar tender answered him and told him it was a ghost. Nice flow to poem.
reply by the author on 28-May-2011
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Nice ghost story. Held my interest all the way through this poem. I was surprised when the bar tender answered him and told him it was a ghost. Nice flow to poem.
Comment Written 28-May-2011
reply by the author on 28-May-2011
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Thank you for your kind review.
Steve
Comment from moyramouse
Steve you have really gone to town on this poem. I was totally engrossed with the story and his surprise when Smiler Jack turned out to be dead. You gave us humour, pathos, history all within one poem. I could hear the Oz drawl and smiled when he promised to give up his demons ( well 2 of them) - could he have deliberately left out womanizing? I think so. It all ended happily ever after..... Good luck in the competition - it's a really good entry. xxmouse
reply by the author on 28-May-2011
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Steve you have really gone to town on this poem. I was totally engrossed with the story and his surprise when Smiler Jack turned out to be dead. You gave us humour, pathos, history all within one poem. I could hear the Oz drawl and smiled when he promised to give up his demons ( well 2 of them) - could he have deliberately left out womanizing? I think so. It all ended happily ever after..... Good luck in the competition - it's a really good entry. xxmouse
Comment Written 28-May-2011
reply by the author on 28-May-2011
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Thank you - there were lots of decisions to make - it could have been much longer. I couldn't 'get' the ending at first - all that would come was a hilarious alternative one which I may post later just for fun.
You and Heidi are the only ones to spot that he didn't promise to give up womanizing - a man has to have some small pleasures, even if it was only because it didn't fit into the metre.
Thanks again.
Steve
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Ahha! What does that tell you about us?????
We listen carefully to what our men say....may be sometimes
like elephants we never forget......definitely a female trait
I'm sure you can think of a few more reasons!! Heidi always spots connections, she is a very good reader and reviewer, not letting us get away with anything. I actually had a fab review from her where she complimented me on no grammatical errors for a change. She keeps me on the straight and narrow. I had hoped you had deliberately left out the 'womanizing' because that was one step too far. Telling me it didn't fit into the metre was too much information - leave me my imagination:):)xxmouse
Comment from Thoughtician
Very, very good. You had my attention at the go and didn't let me loose 'til it was ended! I raise my pen to you sir. Best wishes.
reply by the author on 28-May-2011
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Very, very good. You had my attention at the go and didn't let me loose 'til it was ended! I raise my pen to you sir. Best wishes.
Comment Written 28-May-2011
reply by the author on 28-May-2011
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Thank you - you see this is about as close as I get to the 'raw meat', and I don't even believe in ghosts!
Steve
Comment from Piggies Grandma
This was really well done. I enjoyed reading your poem and thought it was well thought out and very cleverly written. It had a lot of emotion and feeling in it.
Good luck with the contest.
reply by the author on 28-May-2011
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This was really well done. I enjoyed reading your poem and thought it was well thought out and very cleverly written. It had a lot of emotion and feeling in it.
Good luck with the contest.
Comment Written 28-May-2011
reply by the author on 28-May-2011
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Thank you - glad you enjoyed it.
Steve
Comment from DIS-illusioned
--"I was deep in contemplation at the bottom of a beer."
Nice metaphoric imagery.
--"My wife had up and left me, took the dog and took the kids,"
Sad.
--"And inside a voice was saying, "There's no reason to go on."
Ah, yes. That ever lurking 'friend'.
--Wow! Old Jack did go through some 'shit' in life, didn't he. (Pardon my French).
--Smiler Jack, the good ghost (Is that an oxymoron? Always thought of ghosts as just spooks).
reply by the author on 28-May-2011
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--"I was deep in contemplation at the bottom of a beer."
Nice metaphoric imagery.
--"My wife had up and left me, took the dog and took the kids,"
Sad.
--"And inside a voice was saying, "There's no reason to go on."
Ah, yes. That ever lurking 'friend'.
--Wow! Old Jack did go through some 'shit' in life, didn't he. (Pardon my French).
--Smiler Jack, the good ghost (Is that an oxymoron? Always thought of ghosts as just spooks).
Comment Written 28-May-2011
reply by the author on 28-May-2011
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Thanks for reading - yes, poor old Jack had a lot of troubles (though I did slip in a few good years too while his son was growing up)
Comment from kymjo
I really enjoyed your poem/story. I was touched deeply by it and am quite impressed at the research you did to make sure all was correct. Good luck in the contest. By all rights, I really do not think you need luck. You should have it in the bag.
If I thought your humor was great, this is amazing. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 28-May-2011
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I really enjoyed your poem/story. I was touched deeply by it and am quite impressed at the research you did to make sure all was correct. Good luck in the contest. By all rights, I really do not think you need luck. You should have it in the bag.
If I thought your humor was great, this is amazing. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 28-May-2011
reply by the author on 28-May-2011
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Thank you - no counting chickens in these contests - there are some excellent writers out there and ther are still several weeks to go!
The humour is always lurking - before I 'got' this ending I had an alternative one which still has my wife and I sniggering...
Comment from midonnablossoms
The poem was inspiring , I appreciate it, I've only seen some words that I think I've gone confuse with;
In the 6th Stanza, 7th line :
It's twenty nears(twenty years?) now since she died; I miss her every day."
The Smiler paused and wiped his eye and turned his gaze away.
-I think it should be that way "twenty years not twenty nears?". That's what I've noticed.
But besides, the poem was good and I can feel the implied feelings there :)
anything worth having is worth waiting for...patience, Faith, trust and love will keep them alive...
Remember no matter what happens in your life , how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow and sometimes you do get a second chance.The writer seems to tell that to the readers.
Using Structuralism Approach in Literary Criticism, I may say that the Poem is merely a poetic story and Binary Oppositions are shown, there the father once lose hope because he loses everything and a wiseman appears to be Smiler Jack who gives hope to him, while using Russian Formalism in criticizing the poem, the devices such as "bearing the device" wherein we can visualize flashbacks and Flash forwards also the distortion of the narrative structure could have been used.
I am currently studying Literary Criticism and I find it good to be my review on how to criticize poems and other literary piece.
Hope it helped!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 28-May-2011
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The poem was inspiring , I appreciate it, I've only seen some words that I think I've gone confuse with;
In the 6th Stanza, 7th line :
It's twenty nears(twenty years?) now since she died; I miss her every day."
The Smiler paused and wiped his eye and turned his gaze away.
-I think it should be that way "twenty years not twenty nears?". That's what I've noticed.
But besides, the poem was good and I can feel the implied feelings there :)
anything worth having is worth waiting for...patience, Faith, trust and love will keep them alive...
Remember no matter what happens in your life , how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow and sometimes you do get a second chance.The writer seems to tell that to the readers.
Using Structuralism Approach in Literary Criticism, I may say that the Poem is merely a poetic story and Binary Oppositions are shown, there the father once lose hope because he loses everything and a wiseman appears to be Smiler Jack who gives hope to him, while using Russian Formalism in criticizing the poem, the devices such as "bearing the device" wherein we can visualize flashbacks and Flash forwards also the distortion of the narrative structure could have been used.
I am currently studying Literary Criticism and I find it good to be my review on how to criticize poems and other literary piece.
Hope it helped!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 28-May-2011
reply by the author on 28-May-2011
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Thanks for the review and for spotting the typo in 'nears' - I will fix it. Good luck with your studies!
Steve