How This Critter Crits
Viewing comments for Chapter 6 "Micro-Critter and the Eavesdropper"GROWTH? ADULATION? HURRY -- CHOOSE!
94 total reviews
Comment from Credence
Thank you jaysquires for sharing invaluable lessons in honing my craft, not so much at a critic, but as a writer. I look forward to reading your next installment...or anything else you write. Credence
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2007
  |
Thank you jaysquires for sharing invaluable lessons in honing my craft, not so much at a critic, but as a writer. I look forward to reading your next installment...or anything else you write. Credence
Comment Written 21-Jan-2007
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2007
-
It is so kind of you Credence to thank me for what you got out of this chapter when it is I who should be thanking you for taking the time to read it. Please stay aboard for the remaining segments.
Jay
Comment from cutie
very informative writing, all arrangement is very well done and very useful
very efficiently written, all paragraphs are very well designed and formatted, good moving
there are a lot of gems and instructions, all are precious lessons for reader, great
very good impressions and explanations are so expressively written
professional narrations and pointing outs, vivid and also understandable, effective, also good shift and rhythm
all structuring is very well made,
theme is well followed and enriched by examples and comments,
very well descripted sentences are really admirable and giving very good advices, so good telling and the way reflecting all knowledgebase is appreciative.
no any problem or error, thank you very much for writing this nice work
kisses!!!!!!!
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2007
|
very informative writing, all arrangement is very well done and very useful
very efficiently written, all paragraphs are very well designed and formatted, good moving
there are a lot of gems and instructions, all are precious lessons for reader, great
very good impressions and explanations are so expressively written
professional narrations and pointing outs, vivid and also understandable, effective, also good shift and rhythm
all structuring is very well made,
theme is well followed and enriched by examples and comments,
very well descripted sentences are really admirable and giving very good advices, so good telling and the way reflecting all knowledgebase is appreciative.
no any problem or error, thank you very much for writing this nice work
kisses!!!!!!!
Comment Written 21-Jan-2007
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2007
-
I don't think the crits of any of my chapters are complete until I receive the comments of Charmy Chuckle. Thank you so much and please stay tuned. I'm hoping the coming chapters are informative and interesting to read.
Jay
Comment from zenzippy
All I can say is hurry up with the next chapter, please! I need major help with the dialogue in "The Warriors of Zenland". I haven't a clue, the secrets of dialogue, however, it seems to me I'll be learning them in your coming chapters. You are exceptional at explaining things in a way that are even easy for me, a Chico State graduate, to understand. In fact, none of my English teachers at Chico came even a tiny bit close to as informative as your chapters so far. Thanks so much for your teaching skills. I can honestly say I want to be the first to buy your book, as long as it doesn't flutter to the ground like a wounded Cardinal. So far, I just want more. Thanks. Zenzippy.
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2007
 |
All I can say is hurry up with the next chapter, please! I need major help with the dialogue in "The Warriors of Zenland". I haven't a clue, the secrets of dialogue, however, it seems to me I'll be learning them in your coming chapters. You are exceptional at explaining things in a way that are even easy for me, a Chico State graduate, to understand. In fact, none of my English teachers at Chico came even a tiny bit close to as informative as your chapters so far. Thanks so much for your teaching skills. I can honestly say I want to be the first to buy your book, as long as it doesn't flutter to the ground like a wounded Cardinal. So far, I just want more. Thanks. Zenzippy.
Comment Written 21-Jan-2007
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2007
-
Zenzippy, you make this old literary warrior want to lay down my shield and cry out of appreciation of your commentary. You don't know how happy you've made me. You know, I was a teacher in the sixties, but gave it up when the students kept falling out of their seats. Of course they were strung out on drugs, but I always felt that part of it was my teaching skills, or lack thereof. I think you're too hard on yourself, incidentally. Your dialogue is great. Don't forget, I've read a couple of your pieces already. Thanks again -- heartily!
Jay
Comment from DeboraDyess
' If you make careful mental notes, however, of the hundred and eighty who ignore or sneer or snarl at you, or call you a pervert -- and especially if you note the nuances in how something is said or left unsaid -- won't you be feeding a rich diet to that unconscious birthing-bed of creativity in your mind?' Pretty lengthy sentence...interesting and well-thought out, but daunting for some readers, I would think. Perhaps, because of the topic, your average reader won't skip a word here or there, but with 'just readers' it would be a bit much to chew.
'Then, like a competent casting director(,) you'll be able to say, "Thank you ....'
'And, the publisher will be ...' no comma
'...on one character or both or all' Did you intentionally repeat this phrase in the same paragraph? Or...at least, I think it was in the same para...
And, he'll settle for nothing less.' again, no comma after 'and'.
' Sooner or later, though, now that the writer has your attention, you're going to want to know (and if the writer is savvy at his craft, he's going to intuit precisely when that need to know is most intense, and is, at that precise moment, going to lay out for you on the page), just what is holding the other in such a thrall of terror -- or what that incongruous smile is concealing.' This whole para is one sentnece. It is a wordy read...gotta tell you that, even though I'm an avid reader and published writer, it was a tough one for me to get through. Now, that may be because it's getting late, I just got oout of a pretty intense class and I have a vision impairment (which makes reading a bit harder for me). But a bit of rewording would make it much more managable. You tend to interrupt yourself as you lay out a sentence. Occasionally it is charming, gives personality to the piece. But if you do it ever other paragraph or so it's distracting. And, as I said, maybe it's just the hour and the brain drain of the class...
Since you've just said the name of '"A Child's Christmas In Wales,"' you don't need to repeat it again so soon. Avoid repetition.
'The reader's attention and his patience are going to wear thin with too much of even the most gorgeous description.' I think that's what you're doing to yourself...You're delving in a little too far to make a fairly simple point. For me, at least, it seems overbaked. So, in the interest of fair play I'm going to come back to this in the morrow when my mind is clear and my soul is rested. I hate giving harsh reviews when I'm not certain I'm in the right. As for the rating, that will change if I realize my review is a result of a long day. And, as I tell most of the folks I read, if you want to know whether to listen to my opinion or not, read something I've written; it would be a shame for you to take me too seriously and then discover that my writing leaves you ice cold. Until morning, MamaDeb
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
' Few Stories are going to sustain themselves long without a visit by what is to the left of the equation.' You capped the word 'story' (2nd word of the sentence). Also, the whold equation (both sides of the equal sign) is the equation. So, perhaps, '...(on) the left side of the equation.' would be more specific
'But to continue with the bunny or the cardinal much longer, the writer had better start inventing names for them. ' Great line! Also, the next line--good
'And, at that point...' I'd either say 'And,...' or 'At that point...' I don't know that you need both. And, I think because you later say '...and quickly.' I'd drop the 'And' from the beginning of the sentence.
'Whether bunny sex, cardinal (of the bird variety) sex, or human sex, ...' oh, so clever...althought I might have put 'cardinal sex (the bird variety)... Not a big difference, jsut personal choice.
Sex paragraph--I'm not sure you expanded what you meant by 'exclusively undertaken' well enough. Why is it not story? (I am playking, as usual, devil's advocate). I don't know that you supported your arguement or point fully in this paragraph. If it were being turned in to me by a student I'd give it back for further expansion.
'... in animals, mammals, birds and insects, to communicate.' The word animal is a redundancy, since you then list the animal categories.
'... just for a moment, to take a little different slant on what dialogue is. ' Not 100%, but I don't think you need this comma
'...on stuff that's really none of his business.' I might sugggest, '...on stuff that in real life would be none of his business.' I really like the concept you're building here. I might find another phrase than 'none of your business' just to avoid repetition (unless you're inteintionally doing the repeated phrase). ONly thing is...is there another phrase that means that tot the same degree?...hmmm....
'The bridge between the two is the imagination, the writer's and the reader's individual ability to visualize and agree together as to what those letters that are strung together in various lengths and separated by strange marks and spaces, mean, and not only what they mean but what image they splash up in some theatre a little above and behind our eyes.' WHEW! That's a big bite. You have such beautiful imagry here (I especially like 'the theatre a little above and behind the eyes'). But I'm falling over all the words to get there. How 'bout, 'The bridge between the two is the imagination. The writer and the reader must individually visualize and agree together as to what those letters, all strung together in various lengths, separated by strange marks and spaces, mean. And not only what they mean(,) but what image they splash up in some theatre a little above and behind our eyes.' Almost the same--almost. It is the same meal, just cut up a tiny bit more.
'...we're just eavesdropping on what the writer ...' Since you've used the eavesdrop concept quite a bit, why not change it to 'Peeping Toms': 'Still and all, we're just Peeping Toms, picking up on what the writer wants us to see and hear.'
'What he can do -- what he must do -- is make certain that his offering is not one more of those distractions.' That's one of those 'BINGO!' lines.
Okay, Jay...I raised the star not for the thumbs up to Tom (basically because I don't know what a thumbs up would do for me...), but becasue the rest of the piece had qualities that are quite redeeming. I stand by the earlier review--you are painting such elaborate pictures with such a big brush that we miss the artistry...and the point of the picture. Tone that down, or find a way to rearrange the images and words to make a more enticing flow. You have some really good stuff in here--it would be a shame for it to be lost among the extra details. MamaDeb
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2007
 |
' If you make careful mental notes, however, of the hundred and eighty who ignore or sneer or snarl at you, or call you a pervert -- and especially if you note the nuances in how something is said or left unsaid -- won't you be feeding a rich diet to that unconscious birthing-bed of creativity in your mind?' Pretty lengthy sentence...interesting and well-thought out, but daunting for some readers, I would think. Perhaps, because of the topic, your average reader won't skip a word here or there, but with 'just readers' it would be a bit much to chew.
'Then, like a competent casting director(,) you'll be able to say, "Thank you ....'
'And, the publisher will be ...' no comma
'...on one character or both or all' Did you intentionally repeat this phrase in the same paragraph? Or...at least, I think it was in the same para...
And, he'll settle for nothing less.' again, no comma after 'and'.
' Sooner or later, though, now that the writer has your attention, you're going to want to know (and if the writer is savvy at his craft, he's going to intuit precisely when that need to know is most intense, and is, at that precise moment, going to lay out for you on the page), just what is holding the other in such a thrall of terror -- or what that incongruous smile is concealing.' This whole para is one sentnece. It is a wordy read...gotta tell you that, even though I'm an avid reader and published writer, it was a tough one for me to get through. Now, that may be because it's getting late, I just got oout of a pretty intense class and I have a vision impairment (which makes reading a bit harder for me). But a bit of rewording would make it much more managable. You tend to interrupt yourself as you lay out a sentence. Occasionally it is charming, gives personality to the piece. But if you do it ever other paragraph or so it's distracting. And, as I said, maybe it's just the hour and the brain drain of the class...
Since you've just said the name of '"A Child's Christmas In Wales,"' you don't need to repeat it again so soon. Avoid repetition.
'The reader's attention and his patience are going to wear thin with too much of even the most gorgeous description.' I think that's what you're doing to yourself...You're delving in a little too far to make a fairly simple point. For me, at least, it seems overbaked. So, in the interest of fair play I'm going to come back to this in the morrow when my mind is clear and my soul is rested. I hate giving harsh reviews when I'm not certain I'm in the right. As for the rating, that will change if I realize my review is a result of a long day. And, as I tell most of the folks I read, if you want to know whether to listen to my opinion or not, read something I've written; it would be a shame for you to take me too seriously and then discover that my writing leaves you ice cold. Until morning, MamaDeb
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
' Few Stories are going to sustain themselves long without a visit by what is to the left of the equation.' You capped the word 'story' (2nd word of the sentence). Also, the whold equation (both sides of the equal sign) is the equation. So, perhaps, '...(on) the left side of the equation.' would be more specific
'But to continue with the bunny or the cardinal much longer, the writer had better start inventing names for them. ' Great line! Also, the next line--good
'And, at that point...' I'd either say 'And,...' or 'At that point...' I don't know that you need both. And, I think because you later say '...and quickly.' I'd drop the 'And' from the beginning of the sentence.
'Whether bunny sex, cardinal (of the bird variety) sex, or human sex, ...' oh, so clever...althought I might have put 'cardinal sex (the bird variety)... Not a big difference, jsut personal choice.
Sex paragraph--I'm not sure you expanded what you meant by 'exclusively undertaken' well enough. Why is it not story? (I am playking, as usual, devil's advocate). I don't know that you supported your arguement or point fully in this paragraph. If it were being turned in to me by a student I'd give it back for further expansion.
'... in animals, mammals, birds and insects, to communicate.' The word animal is a redundancy, since you then list the animal categories.
'... just for a moment, to take a little different slant on what dialogue is. ' Not 100%, but I don't think you need this comma
'...on stuff that's really none of his business.' I might sugggest, '...on stuff that in real life would be none of his business.' I really like the concept you're building here. I might find another phrase than 'none of your business' just to avoid repetition (unless you're inteintionally doing the repeated phrase). ONly thing is...is there another phrase that means that tot the same degree?...hmmm....
'The bridge between the two is the imagination, the writer's and the reader's individual ability to visualize and agree together as to what those letters that are strung together in various lengths and separated by strange marks and spaces, mean, and not only what they mean but what image they splash up in some theatre a little above and behind our eyes.' WHEW! That's a big bite. You have such beautiful imagry here (I especially like 'the theatre a little above and behind the eyes'). But I'm falling over all the words to get there. How 'bout, 'The bridge between the two is the imagination. The writer and the reader must individually visualize and agree together as to what those letters, all strung together in various lengths, separated by strange marks and spaces, mean. And not only what they mean(,) but what image they splash up in some theatre a little above and behind our eyes.' Almost the same--almost. It is the same meal, just cut up a tiny bit more.
'...we're just eavesdropping on what the writer ...' Since you've used the eavesdrop concept quite a bit, why not change it to 'Peeping Toms': 'Still and all, we're just Peeping Toms, picking up on what the writer wants us to see and hear.'
'What he can do -- what he must do -- is make certain that his offering is not one more of those distractions.' That's one of those 'BINGO!' lines.
Okay, Jay...I raised the star not for the thumbs up to Tom (basically because I don't know what a thumbs up would do for me...), but becasue the rest of the piece had qualities that are quite redeeming. I stand by the earlier review--you are painting such elaborate pictures with such a big brush that we miss the artistry...and the point of the picture. Tone that down, or find a way to rearrange the images and words to make a more enticing flow. You have some really good stuff in here--it would be a shame for it to be lost among the extra details. MamaDeb
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 21-Jan-2007
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2007
-
Mama Deb, thank you for your close read and trenchent comentary. On the contrary, there is much validity to what you said. I wouldn't (if I were you) change any of your comments or the general thrust of your crit after re-reading. You might be second-guessing a really valuable and honest contribution to my improvement. As a matter of fact, if you add one star as a result of your re-reading I'll petition Tom to pull your "thumbs up." On the other hand if you see more nits and drop it to a 2 star -- I'll be gunning for you.
Jay
Jay
-
Well, Jay, since I'm a native Texan 'gunning for me' isn't exactly a new concept...not that I'm cantakerous (how in the world do you spell that, anyway?) or ornery...just a bit 'from the hip'. Your work is too good to drop it any stars at all. You have some very valid points you're making. I'll finish up pretty quick. Have to go fetch groceries for my clan (4 kids and a wonderful granddaughter, my honey and I) but the kids are in the middle of 'National Treasure'. Think that gives me plenty of time to re--read, re-consider and finsih up. Have a good one, Deb
Comment from mikedoty
I liked this peice of work. Thanks for sharing it. It was great. I hope to read more of your stuff. I don't know that I'd change a thing. Thanks once again!
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2007
|
I liked this peice of work. Thanks for sharing it. It was great. I hope to read more of your stuff. I don't know that I'd change a thing. Thanks once again!
Comment Written 20-Jan-2007
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2007
-
Thank you, mike, for your kind words. There will be more coming. I hope to have you aboard.
Jay
Comment from mmichelle97219
Bravo! Bravo, my friend. Another fine addition to a very education and enlightening work. I always learn so much when I read this additions. I think it is carefully written no not make the reader feel like a know-nothing idiot. Thanks so much for the posting. I look forward to the next one.
Michelle
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2007
|
Bravo! Bravo, my friend. Another fine addition to a very education and enlightening work. I always learn so much when I read this additions. I think it is carefully written no not make the reader feel like a know-nothing idiot. Thanks so much for the posting. I look forward to the next one.
Michelle
Comment Written 20-Jan-2007
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2007
-
Thank you so very much, Michelle. I really appreciate your readership. There will be more coming. Please jump aboard and enjoy the ride.
Jay
Comment from bookishfabler
Hey Jay, how've you been? Long time no see. I have been following how a critter crits from the beginning. This is no less imformative than the rest. Though, It is abit wordy, especially the beginning. But if you didn't write that way, you wouldn't be true to your own voice. I found this very imformative. I like the interpetation with the bunny and cardinals. I think you did a good job. Looking forward to the next installment.
Peace
Bookishfabler
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2007
|
Hey Jay, how've you been? Long time no see. I have been following how a critter crits from the beginning. This is no less imformative than the rest. Though, It is abit wordy, especially the beginning. But if you didn't write that way, you wouldn't be true to your own voice. I found this very imformative. I like the interpetation with the bunny and cardinals. I think you did a good job. Looking forward to the next installment.
Peace
Bookishfabler
Comment Written 20-Jan-2007
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2007
-
Welcome back bookishfabler! Commentary from writers like you make my work all the more worthwhile. There will be many more chapters. I hope you will find them helpful.
Jay
Comment from balance67
Wow, what a mouthful. Yet, I must admit, it was informative and engaging.
The installment of eavesdropping is interesting. You make a valid argument, stating that a person who reads in dialogue happening between two characters is similar to sitting on a park bench, listening to two people talking in real life. I've rarely looked at it that way, but it's nice to see the parallel.
The dealings with characters and conflict also sparked my interest. You mentioned that 'drama' is the motivator for the people to get involved with characters, and not to rely much on outdoor details (such as the wonderful examples of being in a blizzard) because it'll eventually bore the reader. It's common for writers to follow these guidelines, especially those who are new to writing, because there is much information and experience to be gained.
The flow, plain and clear language (not an offense...a high complement), and sparse bits of humor (like the 'special bookstores picketed once a year' in talking about sex, and pouring over Dylan Thomas's "A Child's Christmas in Wales") moved and amused me throughout. I learned a little more about writing from reading your guide. Thank you for providing us writers with your wisdom. And I wish you luck in getting published. Excellent work!
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2007
|
Wow, what a mouthful. Yet, I must admit, it was informative and engaging.
The installment of eavesdropping is interesting. You make a valid argument, stating that a person who reads in dialogue happening between two characters is similar to sitting on a park bench, listening to two people talking in real life. I've rarely looked at it that way, but it's nice to see the parallel.
The dealings with characters and conflict also sparked my interest. You mentioned that 'drama' is the motivator for the people to get involved with characters, and not to rely much on outdoor details (such as the wonderful examples of being in a blizzard) because it'll eventually bore the reader. It's common for writers to follow these guidelines, especially those who are new to writing, because there is much information and experience to be gained.
The flow, plain and clear language (not an offense...a high complement), and sparse bits of humor (like the 'special bookstores picketed once a year' in talking about sex, and pouring over Dylan Thomas's "A Child's Christmas in Wales") moved and amused me throughout. I learned a little more about writing from reading your guide. Thank you for providing us writers with your wisdom. And I wish you luck in getting published. Excellent work!
Comment Written 20-Jan-2007
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2007
-
Balance, reading words from obviously dedicated wirters like you, and hearing that in some way you find it helpful and interesting, make facing the blank page of the next chapter worthwhile. Thank you so very, very much.
Jay
-
Not a problem. It's my pleasure. Best of luck with the guide (if I haven't said that already). Take care.
Comment from Signaler
Hello jaysquires, This is truly a most interesting article. Since I am writing my first novel at this very moment. I found your comments to be right on the money for the way I write. I kept patting myself on the back. 'See old girl, you're not doing so bad after all.' I thought. I can't find a thing I feel is amiss. Most informative and so now, I'm off to read the rest of the story. (Did someone hear Paul Harvey just now?) Good Work!
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2007
|
Hello jaysquires, This is truly a most interesting article. Since I am writing my first novel at this very moment. I found your comments to be right on the money for the way I write. I kept patting myself on the back. 'See old girl, you're not doing so bad after all.' I thought. I can't find a thing I feel is amiss. Most informative and so now, I'm off to read the rest of the story. (Did someone hear Paul Harvey just now?) Good Work!
Comment Written 20-Jan-2007
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2007
-
How strange this is, Signaler... This crit came at the end of all the ones you did, yet from the context it seems it was the first you wrote. I can't tell you how wonderful it has been to have you along for the ride. There will be many more chapters in the months ahead. I hope I can have you join me. Best wishes on your writing.
Jay
Comment from cmay44
WELL JAYSQUIRES
ALTHOUGH I'VE NEVER WRITTEN A NOVEL OF ANY KIND, ONLY POETRY AND SHORT STORIES, THIS WAS VERY INTERESETING FOR ME TO READ AND GAVE ME MUCH GOOD INFORMATION TO HELP ME EVEN IN WRITING A SHORT STORY. VERY THOUGHTFUL OF YOU TO POST THIS TO HELP EVERYONE. EXCELLENT WORK.
GOD BLESS YOU
CAROLYN
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2007
|
WELL JAYSQUIRES
ALTHOUGH I'VE NEVER WRITTEN A NOVEL OF ANY KIND, ONLY POETRY AND SHORT STORIES, THIS WAS VERY INTERESETING FOR ME TO READ AND GAVE ME MUCH GOOD INFORMATION TO HELP ME EVEN IN WRITING A SHORT STORY. VERY THOUGHTFUL OF YOU TO POST THIS TO HELP EVERYONE. EXCELLENT WORK.
GOD BLESS YOU
CAROLYN
Comment Written 20-Jan-2007
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2007
-
God Bless you, too, Carolyn for your kind words. I do hope you'll visit future editions to this and maybe even dip into some of the back ones. Come often, you are always welcome.
Jay