2015 Haiku
Viewing comments for Chapter 35 "haiku suite (on a warm day)"A collection of haiku I wrote in 2015
55 total reviews
Comment from Benjamin Valencia
Hi..The zen stream of thought was a refreshing image this morning as I get to hear the streams of water in your poem. That waterfall serving as birth control for the birds mating calls was a bit funny. Nice write. Cheers.
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2015
  |
Hi..The zen stream of thought was a refreshing image this morning as I get to hear the streams of water in your poem. That waterfall serving as birth control for the birds mating calls was a bit funny. Nice write. Cheers.
Comment Written 22-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2015
-
Thank Benjamin I really appreciate the review and kind words :)
Comment from syndactl
Thank you for including your notes on this one, because I was about to lecture you on proper syllable counts for haikus. :)
All in all, you painted a good picture with your words, managing to create distinct imagery in each stanza that still flowed together well. Two lines stuck out to me as needing a little work, though:
zen's stream of thought
Reading it aloud, it's nearly impossible to say "zen's stream" fluidly - you could really cut out the "'s" and use zen as an adjective to get the same picture without hampering the flow of it.
birth control
This one just sticks out as odd - I understand exactly what you're trying to convey with it, but the starkness of the line doesn't fit well with the rest of the lines. I'd recommend rewriting it to display the frustration that the other two lines imply but still fit into the general flow.
All in all, very good job and good luck in the contest.
Andrew
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2015
|
Thank you for including your notes on this one, because I was about to lecture you on proper syllable counts for haikus. :)
All in all, you painted a good picture with your words, managing to create distinct imagery in each stanza that still flowed together well. Two lines stuck out to me as needing a little work, though:
zen's stream of thought
Reading it aloud, it's nearly impossible to say "zen's stream" fluidly - you could really cut out the "'s" and use zen as an adjective to get the same picture without hampering the flow of it.
birth control
This one just sticks out as odd - I understand exactly what you're trying to convey with it, but the starkness of the line doesn't fit well with the rest of the lines. I'd recommend rewriting it to display the frustration that the other two lines imply but still fit into the general flow.
All in all, very good job and good luck in the contest.
Andrew
Comment Written 22-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2015
-
Thank syndactl, I really appreciate the review and kind words :) I like your suggestion for the zen line. The last line it is a love it or hate it. Out of 20 people, 2 didn't like it but 18 did. I think I will stick with it.
Comment from prettybluebirds
Excellent. This is a very nice poem. Simple tor read and understand. This should do well in the contest. I wish you good luck. It certainly covers the subject well
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2015
|
Excellent. This is a very nice poem. Simple tor read and understand. This should do well in the contest. I wish you good luck. It certainly covers the subject well
Comment Written 22-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2015
-
thank you prettybluebirds :)
Comment from rspoet
This is a fine haiku suite
that meets all requirements as near as I can tell
Excellent concrete imagery
and very good grammatical connection
Present tense and s/l/s
Syllables are good at 17 or less
you even have (kigo) seasonal reference
Good satori lines
though I don't think the sound of the waterfall
will diminish the birth rate
Very well done
Good luck in the contest
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2015
|
This is a fine haiku suite
that meets all requirements as near as I can tell
Excellent concrete imagery
and very good grammatical connection
Present tense and s/l/s
Syllables are good at 17 or less
you even have (kigo) seasonal reference
Good satori lines
though I don't think the sound of the waterfall
will diminish the birth rate
Very well done
Good luck in the contest
Comment Written 22-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2015
-
thank you rspoet, the birth control was a joke
Comment from TAB_that's me
In the first one, the word 'cool' would work better at the beginning 2nd line in my opinion. Good play on words with stream in the satori.
Great imagery throughout. good luck.
Teresa
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2015
|
In the first one, the word 'cool' would work better at the beginning 2nd line in my opinion. Good play on words with stream in the satori.
Great imagery throughout. good luck.
Teresa
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 22-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2015
-
Thank you Teresa, I appreciate the feedback and review. :)