Comment from Kenneth Schaal

Excellent

A common tale, but true, my friend, I sing this song to you.
A wonderful old story reminding me of a Red Skeleton Christmas special. The story telling and the craftsmanship used to tell it is exceptional. Best of luck. Kenny

 Comment Written 22-Feb-2014

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reply by the author on 24-Feb-2014

Thanks, Kenny.

You had me going there for a minute picturing a very bony red skeleton!

Steve

reply by Kenneth Schaal on 24-Feb-2014

No, not that kind--He used to play the 'old hobo' trying to get arrested at Christmas eve.

Comment from GracieAnn

Excellent

kiwisteveh, I found these lines to be full of reversal play on words, irony and humor. Was Philosophy Jones,
just a bag of bones from the world of the In-Betweens,
make his stretched ends meet,
is she deaf to his mute pleas,
on stony ground his seed had been invested,
and the last line with humorous ironic answer to prayer.
Sometimes we do not realize what we are praying for. LOL Well done. :0 GracieAnn

 Comment Written 22-Feb-2014

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reply by the author on 24-Feb-2014

Thanks, GA

Yes, life has its own ways of handing out irony.

Steve

Comment from rama devi

Excellent

Wish I had a six for you, Steve - and I will be very surprised if this does not win the contest. Great story, cleverly told in a fine rhymed narrative style that is so musical it sounds like a song.

It's almost 2 am, so I am not going to take time to list all the amazing nuances you've deftly woven into every single line of this masterfully crafted write, but you do know that I noticed them all--the internal rhyming 9superb!) and alliteration,consonance, assonance etc. Superb rhyming. Perfect meter and flow. Impressive write.

the only one spot I have two minor suggestions for is this:


Oh, the shouts and cries, then the tumult dies,
Philosophy's caught with ease.
There his victim stands with his fate in her hands;
is she deaf to his mute pleas?

1) suggest a dash instead of commas at the end of line one
2) suggest changing MUTE to MUTED for even better flow.

The internal rhymes are so well timed. Loved reading this!

You should win.

Kudos and Bravo

Warmly, rd

 Comment Written 22-Feb-2014

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reply by the author on 24-Feb-2014

Rama, thanks for another fine reviews - your suggestions are noted.

This is the contest I would most like to win, but I always seem to get trumped - maybe this time, although they could count it against me that the story is not original.

Steve

reply by rama devi on 25-Feb-2014

Best of luck in the contest. :)

Comment from tfawcus

Excellent

I have a few O Henry stories in the jumble at my bedside! He's a marvellous author, one who has given me many a chuckle. Your paraphrase of Soapy is masterly. It rolls along with just the right rhythm for reading aloud, though scribblings jarred a bit. A minor road bump. I liked 'broken and broke' and 'the world of the In-Betweens' and you retained both the humour and the pathos.

 Comment Written 22-Feb-2014

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reply by the author on 24-Feb-2014

Thanks, Tony.

I modelled the meter on 'The Cremation of Sam Magee' and actually found it harder than I anticipated so decided to relax it. I had 'words' instead of 'scribblings' I think but made a judgement call on it.

I have been reminded that the original story was 'The Cop and the Anthem' which I guess you know since you have found the name of the main character.

Steve

Comment from Lovinia

Excellent

Hi Steve

Priceless!!! What an amazing story teller and poet you are. Of course, you know we are now all reviewing our entries willing them to match the quality of the benchmark you set??? LOL

I loved your Ode to the Sea, and now this ... the humour is wonderful and the story a blast ...... I almost thought Philosophy Jones was in for a frozen night. :))

Superb artwork ... it could have been drawn for your poem. I love the lean and icy presentation all to set the tone as the reader delves into your tale. I suppose my story poem with two geese in love will not par this. Hahahah! Don't panic, it's not entered. LOL

Your rhythm, rhyme and meter is as outstanding as usual. I laughed my head of when the lady was so charitable about her purse and ruined all well laid plans. Hehehehe! Your story romped along with its lovely imagery (though cold and icy and not so nice for those out on the streets) and PJ's wayward journey to his nice warm cell. A wonderful poem for the contest and certainly a contender for top placement. Good luck. My chilli are producing..... "blow your head off" variety for him and 'milder green' ones for her. Hugs - Lovi xoxoxo

 Comment Written 22-Feb-2014

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reply by the author on 24-Feb-2014

Lovi, thanks again for the wonderfully warm and generous review.

This is the contest I most want to win, but I always seem to get trumped by something better....

We have one large bottle of dried chilis on the shelf and I should gird my loins (but not touch them!) for another batch one day soon.

Steve

reply by Lovinia on 27-Feb-2014

Hey Steve

You too???? LOL ... good luck to us both ... we'll know soon enough. I haven't come across that many other entries ... never know what to expect.

I meant to PM with extra congrats for your Ode to the Sea -- a stunner! pure magic!

You always come up with something to shake my confidence. LOL

I put one long green chilli just picked) in my curry and two small dried reds (last year's batch) ... just right.

We are even reaping some strawbs, and baby eggplant (they went in the curry). I might go in for some kumara next.

I've just ben drooling over some New Zealand self-drive holidays ... wow you have some scenery over there. The best of luck in the contest. :)))
Hugs - Lovi xoxox

reply by the author on 27-Feb-2014

You put strawbs in your curry??!

Ours are nearly finished but have been feeding us for two months. Other successes: grapes, passionfruit, baby capsicums, beans.
ot so good: potatoes, peas, lettuce (goes to seed)

And yes, we have more than our share of picture postcard scenery. Australia does too - it's just spread out a lot more!

Gonna have a go at free verse now - I suck at that!

Steve

Comment from Giddy Nielsen-Sweep

Excellent

Another fantastic poem, Steve. A great one to be performed in our lounge room with an audience. Philosophy Jones is a great hero who responds well for the performer in classic form. Giddy

 Comment Written 21-Feb-2014

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reply by the author on 24-Feb-2014

Thanks, Giddy

You'll have to let me know how the performance went!

Steve

Comment from Irish Rain

Excellent

This is absolutely magnificent! The absolute best story in a poem I have ever read on here! I wish I had six stars for you...they wouldn't be enough...I look forward to see your name on the home page in a few days....One suggestion, before they judge, and it may just be my eyes...twas his second home...you spelled it secomd? Blessings tonight!

 Comment Written 21-Feb-2014

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reply by the author on 23-Feb-2014

Jo, thanks for the rave review - so glad you enjoyed this so much.

And no it wasn't your eyes, it was mine - fixed now.

Steve

Comment from Carolyn 'Deaton' Stephens

Excellent

And, in our modern day times, who has any idea how many homeless would love to spend that 'cozy' night in jail. Well done, :-) Carolyn

 Comment Written 21-Feb-2014

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reply by the author on 23-Feb-2014

Thanks, Carolyn.

Steve

Comment from Sam Mendonca

Excellent

A very well written poem giving the reader a very good desciption of the life on the streets through the eyes of a homeless person.

The photo certainly got my attention to find out what the content of the poem was about.

 Comment Written 21-Feb-2014

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reply by the author on 23-Feb-2014

Thank you, Sam.

Steve

Comment from Ben Colder

Excellent

Now this is humor poetry. I enjoyed this very much. Very clean and worded well. The rhythm is right on. I find no fault. Had I six stars you would have them. Shalom my friend.

 Comment Written 21-Feb-2014

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reply by the author on 23-Feb-2014

Ben, thanks for the warm review and the virtual sixer.

Steve