Steve's Story-Poems
Viewing comments for Chapter 24 "Mounting Evidence"A collection of my poems
56 total reviews
Comment from rama devi
You had fun with this! Excellent combination of rhymes and slant rhymes in this true to form and witty romp. Excellent enjambment give a fluid flow while keeping the i rhythmic bounce.
The only tiny stumbles I had were where it felt like 'missing' commas would aid the flow, feel more grammatically precise or add dramatic pause.
*
I never touched the girl(,) I swear;
*you know(,) he really should be fired.
*us through a window (--)n the raw
(for dramatic pause)
This is clever
I don't know how her underwear
got in my car behind the seat....
I did not cheat.
And this is a great slant rhyme-
That's counterfeit.
Also creative-imaginative and whimsically witty-
And Tom, that Private Eye you hired,
you know he really should be fired.
Those dodgy pics from eighty feet
are incomplete.
Clever rhymes-
You have a friend who claims she saw
us through a window in the raw.
Your friends, I have to say, my sweet,
are indiscreet.
Funny- and clever rhyming-
the evidence is gone, petite,
I hit delete.
I like how the closing has a twist of defeat-
And now you say you tracked us here,
but look, I am alone, my dear.
You see her butt beneath the sheet?
Oh, damn! Defeat!
LOL
Amusing write.
Good luck in the contest
Warmly, rd
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2012
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You had fun with this! Excellent combination of rhymes and slant rhymes in this true to form and witty romp. Excellent enjambment give a fluid flow while keeping the i rhythmic bounce.
The only tiny stumbles I had were where it felt like 'missing' commas would aid the flow, feel more grammatically precise or add dramatic pause.
*
I never touched the girl(,) I swear;
*you know(,) he really should be fired.
*us through a window (--)n the raw
(for dramatic pause)
This is clever
I don't know how her underwear
got in my car behind the seat....
I did not cheat.
And this is a great slant rhyme-
That's counterfeit.
Also creative-imaginative and whimsically witty-
And Tom, that Private Eye you hired,
you know he really should be fired.
Those dodgy pics from eighty feet
are incomplete.
Clever rhymes-
You have a friend who claims she saw
us through a window in the raw.
Your friends, I have to say, my sweet,
are indiscreet.
Funny- and clever rhyming-
the evidence is gone, petite,
I hit delete.
I like how the closing has a twist of defeat-
And now you say you tracked us here,
but look, I am alone, my dear.
You see her butt beneath the sheet?
Oh, damn! Defeat!
LOL
Amusing write.
Good luck in the contest
Warmly, rd
Comment Written 25-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2012
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Thanks for the thoroughly considered review. You are probably right about the commas - I submitted in a bit of a hurry - and you are kind calling counterfeit a slant rhyme - most people just call it a mistake! :o)
Steve
Comment from mshirachot
What a hearty morning laugh this "small pun" provided. It is amazing to me how men think that women are so naive as to believe outright and blatant lies. It heartens me that I can laugh at this having been through something similar many years ago...laughter is a bit of evidence I am either more healed...or simply crazy as a loon. LOL
As I read the poem, my only trouble spot was "counterfeit", but I added a funny "French" accent and then it fit much better with the "eet" rhyme scheme.
This is a GREAT entry for the contest. I wish you the best!
Blessings to you.
Marsha
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2012
|
What a hearty morning laugh this "small pun" provided. It is amazing to me how men think that women are so naive as to believe outright and blatant lies. It heartens me that I can laugh at this having been through something similar many years ago...laughter is a bit of evidence I am either more healed...or simply crazy as a loon. LOL
As I read the poem, my only trouble spot was "counterfeit", but I added a funny "French" accent and then it fit much better with the "eet" rhyme scheme.
This is a GREAT entry for the contest. I wish you the best!
Blessings to you.
Marsha
Comment Written 25-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2012
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Thanks, Marsha - I had fun with this.
The only upsetting thing is how many FanStorians related to it from personal experience!
Steve
Comment from LadyCosgrove
A bit close to home for me at the moment ...but heck, it's still funny! You certainly have a way with the words and humour is definitely your forte.
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2012
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A bit close to home for me at the moment ...but heck, it's still funny! You certainly have a way with the words and humour is definitely your forte.
Comment Written 25-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2012
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Thank you - good to see you back and writing.
Sorry if I hit a nerve - It was a little upsetting to see how many similar comments I got.
Steve
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Good to be back :o)
Comment from Dodey
How Fantstic is this hillarious poem..Brilliant rhyme and flow and clearest of imagery lol..It dances down the page in songlike fashion..I so love humorous poetry..I have read it twice already and it is of the funniest works I have read in a long while..The ending is off the wall good and I can see from it how you got your title lol..The great picture fits perfect with the content, and the whole layout is more than appealing ..Can you write another for the ladies please...lol.I am imaging an illustrated book filled with humorous poems of yours like this one.....Bravo my friend..VERY BEST OF LUCK IN THE CONTEST..So deserving of 6 stars and more if I were able...Kind regards..Dee
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2012
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How Fantstic is this hillarious poem..Brilliant rhyme and flow and clearest of imagery lol..It dances down the page in songlike fashion..I so love humorous poetry..I have read it twice already and it is of the funniest works I have read in a long while..The ending is off the wall good and I can see from it how you got your title lol..The great picture fits perfect with the content, and the whole layout is more than appealing ..Can you write another for the ladies please...lol.I am imaging an illustrated book filled with humorous poems of yours like this one.....Bravo my friend..VERY BEST OF LUCK IN THE CONTEST..So deserving of 6 stars and more if I were able...Kind regards..Dee
Comment Written 25-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2012
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Thanks, Dee.
I must have been reviewing your sensual piece as you were writing this - plenty of other weird and wonderful humour in my portfolio if/when you have time to poke around in there.
Goldilocks is the most recent, but if you go back far enough you will find Pardon My French and Latin and little gems like Country Justice.
Steve
Comment from humpwhistle
This is pretty funny, Steve--starting with your title.
I like this form. The four syllable last lines provide
a distinctive break between stanzas.
Counterfeit?
Good luck at the polls.
Peace, Lee
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2012
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This is pretty funny, Steve--starting with your title.
I like this form. The four syllable last lines provide
a distinctive break between stanzas.
Counterfeit?
Good luck at the polls.
Peace, Lee
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 25-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2012
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Yeah, you got me - I can't find anyone who pronouced it counterfeet - must be that poetic licence I had printed down at the copy shop...
Steve
Comment from visionary1234
oh bummer, it won't let me give you a six - I had one left, too, dammit! I love your clever clever stuff Steve! An absolute delight! As always, I appreciate your wonderful wit dear! :))))))))))))Sharyn
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2012
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oh bummer, it won't let me give you a six - I had one left, too, dammit! I love your clever clever stuff Steve! An absolute delight! As always, I appreciate your wonderful wit dear! :))))))))))))Sharyn
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 25-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2012
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Thank you for the virtual six - just to rub salt in, because yours was the first review, it put one of those 'this rating does not count' messages on it!
Steve
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what? you man they don't count the first review? I thought they just knocked off the top one, knocked off the lowest one, and the "score" was taken over the rest? You'd only lose my six if some twit gave you a 4???
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No, I think you are right, it's the best and the wordst) but since I only got 5s and 6s for that poem and yours was the first 5, that's the one that gets the chop - not that it matters in that case because the average stays the same