Steve's Story-Poems
Viewing comments for Chapter 15 "Lafferty's Last Ride"A collection of my poems
85 total reviews
Comment from patsolstad
WOW! This was a LOT longer than I expected it would be, but I read it to the very end. I'm so impressed with your knowledge. Your rhythm seemed to be a bit off in some of the lines, but if I re-read them again I could usually get it to 'sound' right. I'd suggest that you have a friend read the whole thing to you and see where s/he stumbles. Then you'll know the lines you might consider adjusting. I like so much of what you did. You put words together in a delightful, charming way. I must admit, though, that the last part of the last line in the first stanza doesn't work for me ('...like the subject of my verse'). It 'pulled' me out of the story. I was able to get right back in again, but that phrase, to me, is so unlike the others. Maybe what bothers me most is the 'my.' But, on the whole, this was a great read. Good luck!
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reply by the author on 04-Nov-2011
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WOW! This was a LOT longer than I expected it would be, but I read it to the very end. I'm so impressed with your knowledge. Your rhythm seemed to be a bit off in some of the lines, but if I re-read them again I could usually get it to 'sound' right. I'd suggest that you have a friend read the whole thing to you and see where s/he stumbles. Then you'll know the lines you might consider adjusting. I like so much of what you did. You put words together in a delightful, charming way. I must admit, though, that the last part of the last line in the first stanza doesn't work for me ('...like the subject of my verse'). It 'pulled' me out of the story. I was able to get right back in again, but that phrase, to me, is so unlike the others. Maybe what bothers me most is the 'my.' But, on the whole, this was a great read. Good luck!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 04-Nov-2011
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2011
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Thanks for reviewing - yes, it's long, so thank you for persevering!
I can see what you mean about that line pulling you out of the story. I thought it would be OK since it was near the start just to give a glimpse of author's perspective, but I will revisit it to see if I can tweak it.
Steve
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You're so welcome...again, it's a great story! Keep writing....
Comment from duchessofdrumborg
'L----- Last Ride' is indeed an epic saga, as far as the different forms of poetry are described. This talented poet has with craft and skill, told of the heroic adventures of his character with much research and a great deal of empathy. This was an extremely interesting work to both read and review.
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2011
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'L----- Last Ride' is indeed an epic saga, as far as the different forms of poetry are described. This talented poet has with craft and skill, told of the heroic adventures of his character with much research and a great deal of empathy. This was an extremely interesting work to both read and review.
Comment Written 04-Nov-2011
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2011
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Thank you, Duchess - I appreciate the time taken to read and review and the kind words.
Steve
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Steve, you're very welcome.
With my best wishes, the Duchess
P.S. How long did it take you to write this epic saga?
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I suspect about 5 weeks off and on. I think I started during school holidays in September and we're five weeks into the term now...
It was the sort of thing where I felt leaving it for a few days and then coming back with a fresh eye helped. I'd probably still be going if not for the pressure of the competition deadline...
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You did a fabulous job with it. This one was obviously a labour of love.....
Comment from the blue pixel
You have put my lousy 10 cent bonus from my boo boo in The Watery Garden to good use Steve. This is quite a saga. Your story takes us from Lafferty's humble beginnings, kept a secret from others but the reader, to his heroic acts and yet, love remains the last frontier and perhaps most fulfilling of them all especially when lovers from such different worlds find a way to love each other. What a great lesson is to be learned here and like all tragic love stories, she dies. And at the end of your tale, we learn what we always knew and should have. that it is what's inside that counts. Your patience and attention to detail and accuracy with few exceptions, is truly amazing. xx Pix
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2011
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You have put my lousy 10 cent bonus from my boo boo in The Watery Garden to good use Steve. This is quite a saga. Your story takes us from Lafferty's humble beginnings, kept a secret from others but the reader, to his heroic acts and yet, love remains the last frontier and perhaps most fulfilling of them all especially when lovers from such different worlds find a way to love each other. What a great lesson is to be learned here and like all tragic love stories, she dies. And at the end of your tale, we learn what we always knew and should have. that it is what's inside that counts. Your patience and attention to detail and accuracy with few exceptions, is truly amazing. xx Pix
Comment Written 04-Nov-2011
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2011
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Thank you - I have been saving up my pennies for a while as I worked on this - didn't want to go to all that effort and then have poor old Lafferty languishing on page 5!
Not sure if the judges will go for it, but they may award marks for effort!
Steve
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I think the judges are Tom and his cat Steve. At least that's my excuse for never winning these site contests and they are the only one I enter these days. The only thing that may get in your way is the length of it but there is nothing to fault in the writing, that's for sure. xx Pix
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I think the judges are Tom and his cat Steve. At least that's my excuse for never winning these site contests and they are the only one I enter these days. The only thing that may get in your way is the length of it but there is nothing to fault in the writing, that's for sure. xx Pix
Comment from KathyH
Wow!! what a monumental effort you have in this piece. The historical component is fascinating and the human factor endearing. Your form and flow, as usual, are impeccable. Very nicely done...good luck in the contest. Kathy
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2011
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Wow!! what a monumental effort you have in this piece. The historical component is fascinating and the human factor endearing. Your form and flow, as usual, are impeccable. Very nicely done...good luck in the contest. Kathy
Comment Written 04-Nov-2011
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2011
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Thanks, Kathy. I appreciate you taking the time to read my epic! I grew quite attached to my hero over the time it took to write this - I can now imagine what it must be like for a novelist who gets close to his characters...
Steve
Comment from jgirlie152
This is truly excellent, a wonderful story which I have never heard, perhaps just bits and pieces. Your epic poem is extremely well written with much information to absorb, most interesting throughout and a pleasure to read.
Best wishes, this should win the contest.
Joan
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2011
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This is truly excellent, a wonderful story which I have never heard, perhaps just bits and pieces. Your epic poem is extremely well written with much information to absorb, most interesting throughout and a pleasure to read.
Best wishes, this should win the contest.
Joan
Comment Written 04-Nov-2011
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2011
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Thank you for the kind words, Joan - I am glad you found the story informative and entertaining.
As for the contest, I am not holding my breath - there are always a number of excellent entries - hopefully they'll give credit for perseverance and effort!
Steve
Comment from tazzyM
Wow amazing work.
U have put a lot of thought and research into this piece and that is clear to see.
And you have done an excellent job to keep the same flow going through the whole thing. a great feat in itself.
I think you have done an excellent job on this.
thank you so much for sharing this great piece of work
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2011
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Wow amazing work.
U have put a lot of thought and research into this piece and that is clear to see.
And you have done an excellent job to keep the same flow going through the whole thing. a great feat in itself.
I think you have done an excellent job on this.
thank you so much for sharing this great piece of work
Comment Written 04-Nov-2011
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2011
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Thanks for the kind words and the time taken to read and review - I appreciate it.
Steve
Comment from Bellydanser
What a monumental effort, Kiwisteveh, and you pulled it off very well! It has the feel of a classic tale, metered and rhymed, with all of the elements of good fiction. Action, adventure, love, heartache and...humor. Love these lines thrown in:
"And they sprinkled lotus blossoms in the waters of the Nile;
As their love is consummated, let us turn aside a while."
How gentlemanly of you. ;)
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2011
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What a monumental effort, Kiwisteveh, and you pulled it off very well! It has the feel of a classic tale, metered and rhymed, with all of the elements of good fiction. Action, adventure, love, heartache and...humor. Love these lines thrown in:
"And they sprinkled lotus blossoms in the waters of the Nile;
As their love is consummated, let us turn aside a while."
How gentlemanly of you. ;)
Comment Written 04-Nov-2011
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2011
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Now we'll never know if he had a tattered volume of the Kama Sutra salvaged from Lucknow, tucked away through the drama at Rorke's Drift and carried with him to Khartoum!
Thanks for your kind words and the time taken to read and review this lengthy piece - I appreciate it.
Steve
Comment from Cheryl Daphine
Yes I would say it is a bit of an epic. You covered a lot of information and wrangled it all very nicely into a poem. Very good notes,and storyline. A sad ending to the tale. Well done and best wishes in the contest.
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2011
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Yes I would say it is a bit of an epic. You covered a lot of information and wrangled it all very nicely into a poem. Very good notes,and storyline. A sad ending to the tale. Well done and best wishes in the contest.
Comment Written 04-Nov-2011
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2011
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Thank you for taking the time to read and review this lengthy piece - I appreciate it.
Steve
Comment from humpwhistle
Steve! You have outdone yourself! I am so sorry that I entered this contest. You have written an historical epic.
Your Lafferty is indeed a hero. Great poetry, and admirable history. I concede.
Peace to you and Lafferty, Lee
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2011
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Steve! You have outdone yourself! I am so sorry that I entered this contest. You have written an historical epic.
Your Lafferty is indeed a hero. Great poetry, and admirable history. I concede.
Peace to you and Lafferty, Lee
Comment Written 04-Nov-2011
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2011
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I warned you it was epic - he just kept wanting to carry on! Thank God he's resting now.
As for the contest, I have learnt not to count chickens - all it takes is one judge to say, "This is too bloody long!"
I have checked out your poem - maybe message is stronger than story.... I will review soon.
I have also seen a grand kids' poem by J. P. Egry - diametrically opposed to Lafferty's adventures, but I'm guessing a strong contender...
All I can say is I gave it my best shot.
Steve
Comment from Maustin
A very informative and historical read. You definitely accomplished the heart of your work. Your author notes were extremely beneficial for such a detailed work. The artwork served as a nice enhancement to work. Interesting history and story told.
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2011
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A very informative and historical read. You definitely accomplished the heart of your work. Your author notes were extremely beneficial for such a detailed work. The artwork served as a nice enhancement to work. Interesting history and story told.
Comment Written 04-Nov-2011
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2011
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Thank you so much for taking the time to read and review my lengthy piece - I didn't warn people at the start in case no one even began to read - hopefully once you start the story hooks you in.
Steve
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So welcome Steve